Friday....one week to go!!!

If He had to use physical force all the time to get me to comply with what He wants then wouldnt that imply im not submissive?, being dominated (in the context of a M/s relationship) isnt about having to be physically forced to do something, dictionary definition of submissive: inclined or ready to submit; unresistingly. I dont need to be beaten/forced into submission i submit to Him willingly, that being said im not perfect and on occassions i have verbally attempted to resist but as said before in previous post this gets me nowhere. I do the things i may not want to do because to put it simply i dont have a choice, i chose to become His slave willingly and i suppose it could be said that was one of the last choices i was able to make in our relationship.

A quote from Him which He posted in blog in reply to a verbal tantrum i had:

"having chosen to be a SLAVE, you gave up all rights, within our agreed limits, to decide what you will and will not do"

That about sums it up really.

Wednesday 27 February

Switching or changing roles to be honest is something i dont understand in the sense that being dominant or submissive is a personality trait, ie. you are either one or the other, thats not saying that a submissive cant be assertive or a dominant cant be passive but in the context of bdsm as far as im concerned how can one go from being dominant say in one session to submissive in the next. That being said there are situations where people have started off as either D or s but then discovered they are happier or more suited to the opposite role, that i can understand but to regularly switch i cant.

So no we dont switch, that would definitley be a deal breaker for me but its something i dont think/worry about because i know 100% that it will never happen, thankfully. Occasionally He has mentioned that He may want me to hurt another (simply because i think it amuses Him) and its something i always have and always will protest against, i have no desire to dominate or hurt someone im quite happy and content being on the receiving end (yes even when its something i dont like). So then there is the dilemma of what if im told to, i cant refuse well i could but that would just incur punishment for not obeying, on one occassion i was told to pinch another womens nipples, i didnt like it, didnt want to do it regardless of whether she liked it or not..i was not happy at all.

As for physically fighting back, with Him no it has never crossed my mind to do so and i doubt it will, i have on occassions verbally attempted to avoid something and its pointless gets me nowhere just makes things worse. There has been only one occassion that i can think of where i have attempted to refuse to comply, the last time we was together i clamped my legs together when i was told to open them and i resisted, He slapped my face (which i like, but if i had still refused i have no doubt it would be something i didnt) so really its pointless, im never going to win if He makes His mind up im doing something...im doing it.

Monday 25th February

I understand what you mean about how we all have to start somewhere, as of course i did myself, i think it is easier for a submissive starting out than it is for a Dominant simply because i would say in most cases submissives would seek someone with experience. This certainly applied to me, i wanted someone that was confident in their abilities and themselves and this i believe comes with experience, and also because i was unsure of what my own abilities were (it is all very well fantasizing about being dominated and being in pain etc but the reality could have proved too much). First time round on looking for someone i didnt place much importance on experience, i dont regret my first experiences even though it didnt work out because it confirmed to me that i was indeed submissive and i enjoyed being dominated , it didnt work because we wasnt compatible and i do believe now that i had or would have outgrown him in the respect that i wanted to be taken a lot further than i know he was capable of.

So when i eventually started seeking again it was very important to me that it be with somone who was experienced and at the least open minded, someone who i could tell my darkest fantasisies to and they wouldnt run a mile freaking out, i got lucky, very lucky i met Him and cliche i know but i trusted Him almost immediatley and i also trusted my gut instinct, it felt right and well it was and is. Age well yes thats important to me but then i have always even in vanilla life preferred the older man, as i said before in the post you originally referred to i wouldnt have considered anyone younger than myself no matter how nice they may have been, it would have been a polite thanks but no thanks. So i guess you could say that makes me ageist and even now if mixing with other couples and anyone that we may do in the future my preference is a lot older than me the only difference now is i dont have a choice, thats up to Him.

Sunday 24th February

Intelligence is important to me because i enjoy listening to people who are interesting and knowledgeable, i like learning about new things as i tend to have an active mind sometimes to the point where i get distracted very easily and flitter from one subject to the next if it catches my interest. Outside of bdsm (in vanilla life) i tend to surround myself with people who are reasonably intelligent and able to hold thought provoking conversations, im not interested in celebrity gossip or trivia although yes i admit i do like a good gossip with my girly friends and enjoy having a laugh with them.

It also depends on how you define intelligence, is it based on how many qualifications someone has? or what their IQ is? Personally this holds no importance to me, some of my closest friends have no formal qualifications yet they are interesting and often engage me in a good topical debate (they know i love a good debate). Im not claiming that im really intelligent, im not but i can converse confidently and what i dont know about a subject im not afraid to admit to not knowing and i like to learn, listening and being willing/wanting to broaden your knowledge is what is important to me.

As to being dominated by someone intelligent, yes this is definitley of importance to me, i couldnt have respect for someone who holds no value for knowledge, He is more intelligent than me and interests me (outside of bdsm) as well as in of course. Although on a lighter note it can be frustrating as it often seems like He has an answer for everything, everytime i think i have a good valid argument He shoots it down in minutes.

Its late now so i will try to reply to your other question tomorrow.

friday 22 Feb

Its not that i am offended by any questions that are posted in blog, just that i have come accross timewasters and its made me wary especially when i know nothing of whom is asking the questions, but i will try answer them if their sensible.

I can honestly say i dont know why i am the way i am, i remember reading a book in my middle to late teens by Ann Rice although she used another name (cant remember off hand what) and it was about a girl (sleeping beauty) who was taken as a slave and used sexually as well as being beaten regularly, and i found it very erotic and it did arouse me. I consequently read the follow ups and eventually read the Story of O which at the time of reading it i found very intriguing, and it became something i later fantasized about. Didnt admit to anyone about this because well it goes against the norm and i didnt want to be seen as a freak and i didnt have the knowledge and understanding and i guess confidence to explore any further.

As to how i got to where i am now well the internet has a lot to do with that, the feelings i had (ie, wanting to be dominated etc) never went away and i just used to trawl the internet for information and eventually plucked up the courage to place a profile on a bdsm site. To cut a long story short i did meet with someone, didnt work out but i did realise it was something i definitley wanted to explore more of so after a while placed another profile met Him and well here i am.

If i really dont want to do something i would need to have a very good reason why not, "not feeling like it" for example is not a good reason, He can be reasonable and i think it would depend on what it was and the circumstances for example if im unwell then i would think that would alter His decision. I can express how i feel about something and why i would prefer not to have to do (whatever) and it is then His responsibility to determine whether or not i do or dont, and i have to trust His judgement.

punishment decided

He has decided i will be birched as punishment, i didnt see that coming hadnt anticipated it at all so it did come as a shock, i think i wish i didnt know because now im going to dwell on it as i have read about birchings and well there very unpleasant, the thought of its bad enough.

I deserve it because i disobeyed Him which was disrespectful especially made worse by the fact it wasnt once but a couple of occasions so i cant argue that He is being unreasonable as He isnt being. Its not just the birching that causes me concern i have this feeling that it is going to be a difficult weekend and im going to find out just how cruel He can be and that scares me. Dont really have anything more to say on the subject, He isnt going to change His mind so im just going to have to be very mindful of my behaviour from now until then so as not to increase the severity of the weekend.

last reply to annonymous

blimey annonymous dont give up do you?

First of all im assuming you are using the word abuse in a negative context, ie. a women being beaten by her partner and living in fear of his temper and mood swings, which is abuse and sadly very common. The difference between that scenario and the nature of mine and His relationship is at all times He is in control of Himself and the situation, He has never struck me in temper or anger in fact i have not known Him to be angry or indeed lose His temper with me at all, its not in His nature. Putting punishments aside for the time being, i am very comfortable in asking Him to beat me and i very often do and being that He is a sadist very rarely if at all has He refused my requests, so yes overall i enjoy it and get very aroused, but its not just the pain its the environment, i like to be controlled/dominated so as much as it may appear to be a one-sided relationship i get just as much out of it as He does, albeit in a different context.

As for hating Him, no. I have on occassion told Him i do and swore at Him in response to what He may be doing to me, but the reality is im usually afterwards very compliant and content because im getting what i need and i have touched on this subject in previous posts in many ways i enjoy being treated in what i guess you would deem an abusive manner.

right this will be the last reply to any comments you may choose to make.

for annonymous

ok annonymous i will give you the benefit of the doubt and reply to your queries.

No, He did not make me remove the post, although He did make me realise that i had responded a little more harsh than was called for so i decided to remove it, He does have access to this blog and if He wanted it removed then He could and would. Our names dont appear as we know who we are, He is Master and i am slave are names are irrelevant and in most blogs of this type of content rarely are real names used.

The question of consent can vary from one persons idea to the next so i can only say how i feel about it and how it reflects on us. I chose to be His slave and therefore knew i was giving up the "right" to pick and choose what He can do to me (within pre-agreed limits) of which there are few anyway. I could refuse to accept the punishment He decides but that would be seriously detrimental to our relationship, i know how i behaved was wrong and therefore accept the consequences, do i want it?....no of course i dont, its not going to be nice but thats the point, do i need it?......yes because i disobeyed and it has been a re-occuring fault of mine. Im scared of course i am but thats a natural instinct when facing something you know your not going to like or are unsure of, but once its over well hopefully then i get to do the things i like doing.

He doesnt post on the blog although He has made one comment on one of the entries (cant remember offhand which one), if He wanted to post im sure He would but the blog was set up originally for me to put down my thoughts /ramblings and to chart how our relationship has progressed really, also it has the added benefit that im allowed to write what i like without worrying that it will incur punishment if i say something inappropriate (although i suspect that would go out the window if i went too far).

oh whatever

ok im not just a little bit nervous, im a little bit scared of what he is going to do and im torn between wanting to know and not wanting to know, im not sure whats worse, but what is worse is the fact that He is loving the fact that im nervous and im not finding it funny at all. I do know He is most likely expecting me to try and worm my way out if it and im not going to well not at the moment probably will try as the date draws closer, i am though determined that i will not beg Him not to do whatever He decides to do simply because it doesnt work and why give Him any more enjoyment than He is going to get anyway, ok i know the probability is high that i will but bloody hell im getting to be too predictible, its like He knows whats going through my mind before i have even said anything.

What bloody got me though was when He said i have no tolerance in reference to not being able to stay quiet when im being beaten, bloody charming i would like to see Him stay quiet when getting bloody whacked although did think better of pointing this out, but yes i admit i do find it difficult i do try though because i dont like being gagged and anyway screaming is a better option than swearing at Him which is also a probability and that wouldnt go down well.

Anyway did have a chuckle to myself last night, i found a bdsm checklist that i had filled in a few years ago, of what i would do, consider and definitley not do, and to my amusement pain was ticked on the definitley not do and here i am now with a bloody goddam sadist.

an explanation

Before Christmas (in November i think) i had masturbated without your permission and it had happened a few times and you told me as punishment i would get 50 strokes of the whip when we got together in the January. I was scared and the threat/thought was enough i didnt touch myself at all and i think nor did i ask permission to masturbate, for the first time i was shitting myself at the prospect of being punished in a way i really knew i wouldnt like, which is the whole point.

When the weekend arrived the punishment never happened, it was mentioned briefly but not carried out, i think with what had happened in vanilla life those distractions played a part in the fact that you was not your usual self which was understandable. I suppose being honest i became complacement i figured that i got away with it before i could again and i know i have to a certain degree not forgotten my place but neglected it and i dont want that because im happy and content being your slave, and i know i deserve to be treated severely for my behaviour.

Contrary to what you might think i dont do it with the intention of provoking you although i know it might seem that way i guess im going to have to learn the hard way that it wont be tolerated, and if its any consolation im really not looking forward to what you might do, because i dont enjoy it when your being really cruel.

be careful what you wish for................

Im having one of those 'be careful what you wish for..you might just get it' moments, i masturbated on Saturday without permission and its something i have a bad habit of doing, i dont have any excuse really He was really busy on that day and i was feeling insecure and i thought well fuck it He isnt going to have time to answer a request if i sent one so not a lot He can do about it. Im not proud of myself it wasnt the right attitude to have and well i thought very naively as it turned out that i might just get away with it, my train of thought was that He didnt whip me last time as punishment (as He said He would) for masturbating so theres a good chance i might get out of this one. So back to being careful for what you wish for....i wanted His attention, i think i can safely say that when we meet up its not going to be very pleasant attention well not for me anyway.

The worst thing is in a way is i know i deserve to be severely punished because i have a habit of doing it, but i do think if He had punished me previously when we was together then the message would have definitely got through, because i was dreading it the thought of 50 strokes was unbearable let alone having them, but when He didnt i guess i became complacent about it. Now its worse i didnt think it could get much worse but i was wrong again it most definitley can, when He wants He can be really cruel and i find that difficult especially when i have brought it on myself which on this occassion i have.

I have accepted that im not going to be able to sway Him and nor should i because i know i deserve it, but when it comes round i know i will inevitibly end up begging for mercy which is pointless really because it rarely works if at all and i suspect He derives some pleasure from that as well.

Anyway must remember not to forget anything this time, it seems ages away until we get together next and im looking forward to it, which sometimes i think is wierd how can i look forward to something when i know for some periods of that time im not going to like at all, and the only answer i have is that as bad as it may be on occassions i remember what He said to me ages ago about this being a role (ie being a slave) i can not half choose, basically i cannot and nor do i want to choose what or how He may decide to use me.