On commentating on a blog post, http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/2014/05/scared.html .....in part of my comment i said something along the lines of that if i were to act up/intentionally disobey/ to get his attention/to get s/m, to provoke him into pushing me harder, he would not be pleased, he would consider it topping from the bottom.
Now, it shouldnt need to be said, but to make it clear, i dont think this behaviour is wrong, many enjoy the 'brat' type of dynamic, and i think perhaps if i could get away it with then i could well be inclined to be a brat, to act up to get what i want.
But, my Master is not the type of dominant that will tolerate this sort of behaviour, he values submissive behaviour, what he considers submissive behaviour to be more precise, so any attempts on my part (and there has been) to play him up, to provoke him in order to get a reaction that hopefully would result in a good hard s/m session, disappoints him and all i would achieve is hearing his disappointment.
He expects me to ask, to say if i need his attention, if i want a damn hard beating, im allowed and expected to ask for it and i do, but if my request is denied then im expected to accept that no gracefully (yeah, still working on that part!)
Sometimes its difficult, especially when he is very busy and focused with work, i kind of feel neglected at times and i have to fight the urge to not 'act-up', i dont always win that fight, it wasnt long ago that i confessed on this blog that i hadnt been doing the butt plug twice a day as im meant to, because i was wanting his attention.
Oh. I got his attention alright, but not in a nice way, his disappointment was made very clear, and punishment was inevitable....was it worth it? no, his disapproval of my behaviour especially when i know better was gut wrenching, and i feel that when i dont meet his expectations in this way, then he is forced to lower his expectations of me, and that makes me sad.
He is strict, sometimes i think overly so, i may not always agree with his decisions, or his expectations of me, but its out of respect that i do try to behave accordingly to his values, which for the most part are reasonable.
So on the times i lose the fight, he sees its as being disrespectful, and not the submissive behaviour he values, he expects better from me, and he deserves better.