On commentating on a blog post, http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/2014/05/scared.html .....in part of my comment i said something along the lines of that if i were to act up/intentionally disobey/ to get his attention/to get s/m, to provoke him into pushing me harder, he would not be pleased, he would consider it topping from the bottom.
Now, it shouldnt need to be said, but to make it clear, i dont think this behaviour is wrong, many enjoy the 'brat' type of dynamic, and i think perhaps if i could get away it with then i could well be inclined to be a brat, to act up to get what i want.
But, my Master is not the type of dominant that will tolerate this sort of behaviour, he values submissive behaviour, what he considers submissive behaviour to be more precise, so any attempts on my part (and there has been) to play him up, to provoke him in order to get a reaction that hopefully would result in a good hard s/m session, disappoints him and all i would achieve is hearing his disappointment.
He expects me to ask, to say if i need his attention, if i want a damn hard beating, im allowed and expected to ask for it and i do, but if my request is denied then im expected to accept that no gracefully (yeah, still working on that part!)
Sometimes its difficult, especially when he is very busy and focused with work, i kind of feel neglected at times and i have to fight the urge to not 'act-up', i dont always win that fight, it wasnt long ago that i confessed on this blog that i hadnt been doing the butt plug twice a day as im meant to, because i was wanting his attention.
Oh. I got his attention alright, but not in a nice way, his disappointment was made very clear, and punishment was inevitable....was it worth it? no, his disapproval of my behaviour especially when i know better was gut wrenching, and i feel that when i dont meet his expectations in this way, then he is forced to lower his expectations of me, and that makes me sad.
He is strict, sometimes i think overly so, i may not always agree with his decisions, or his expectations of me, but its out of respect that i do try to behave accordingly to his values, which for the most part are reasonable.
So on the times i lose the fight, he sees its as being disrespectful, and not the submissive behaviour he values, he expects better from me, and he deserves better.
Well said. Master would be very disappointed in me if I acted out like many submissives do. It isn't part of our relationship. I hate the way he looks at me when I do act out - it is worse than any other punishment to me.
ReplyDeleteI do appreciate that for some it is part of their relationship and so is acceptable, but no like yourself its not for us, and yes his disappointment in me when and if i do act out is the worst.
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I'm learning - slowly - to ask or just tell him my needs or struggles - when it comes to things that are obviously M/s or lifestyle related. I have trouble with the everyday things - the interactions as we pass each other busy with kids and jobs and everything else... I don't walk the line so well when i'm frustrated or tired or fed up or at wits end with plain old life and it bleeds through in my tone and my behaviors. I know that it's all us - it's all our dynamic - maybe it's my way of acting out - doing it when it's not just him and me. Maybe i should give that some harder thought. Cuz you're right - he does deserve better.
ReplyDeleteit is difficult though i think, although i am prone to making excuses at times, in my mind sometimes they are valid lol, running the home, 2 children, well my son is 17, but in some ways my 12yr old daughter is more mature!
DeleteLife just sometimes does get in the way, or rather vanilla distractions can be overwhelming and causes stresses, tiredness etc.
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With us, there's messing around and being sassy and having fun - on both our parts - and then there's grumpy, stressy behaviour. Now, he's a very understanding man, but quite reasonably, only to a certain point, so if I allow myself to lapse into grumps when I'm craving, I actually risk putting him off wanting to do anything at all with me, so I do try to just communicate instead.
ReplyDeleteyep messing around and having fun is important, and should have its place....wouldnt want it all serious all the time.
DeleteCommunicate is always the answer i think.
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I struggle with the line between the two. We've always had a very playful relationship and I'm very snarky. It's hard to pick my spots for what is just "playing around" like we always have and what is "acting out". There have been some times where I've gotten punished for something I meant in jest that he took seriously. Master hates me topping; the funny thing is that I typically don't when it matters. Guess we're still trying to figure out how to not lose the "us". I don't talk when I can't talk freely because I think and discard EVERYTHING as impropriate. And he doesn't want a silent sub. growing pains.
ReplyDeletethere is i think a fine line between being playful and topping from the bottom, of course what one dominant may call tftb another one may not.
DeleteGenerally, having been with my Master some years now, i know by his tone of voice or his demeanor when its not a time to be playful and of course through trial and error lol
being silent isnt helpful, try to think that the better you communicate with him, he will learn more about you, the more he can learn by listening and talking the better or rather more effectively and he can give you what you want/need.
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Well said Tori, I find it a struggle at times not to act up to get his attention. As you said though, his disappointed in my behavior is gut wrenching. Not the attention I was looking for!
ReplyDeleteHugs
Roz
thanks Roz
DeleteIt is difficult, sometimes i think it shouldnt be, but it is, but then i do admit i do like to get my own way lol
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