Monday, 12 May 2014

Are you true enough?

A common theme, or topic that crops up a fair bit is 'he wont dominate me the way i want', it was reading over at Pygars blog that got me thinking about this (

To sum up, a submissive writes that she cant find a true dom, and i quote "but I haven't yet spoke to a true Dominant Person, all the so called 'Dominants' I've had, I've had to teach them how to be dominant"

Which begs the question how is one determining what a true dominant is?

Well duh! we all know that dominants are those that wear leather all the time, can get their dicks up at least 15 times a day and it stays up for hours, ooooh and not forgetting the must have...private helicopter and jet..oh and of course absolutely gorgeous, rich and fit!

oh shit, sorry was reading 50 shades and got carried away.

But in all seriousness, forget the true dominant part, im not a fan of this whole 'true' idea, just as not all submissives are the same nor are dominants, perhaps its simply a lack of compatibility rather than one not being 'true'.   It would be very ironic wouldnt it if this submissive found what she considers to be a 'true' dominant but he doesnt think she is the type of submissive for him!

I wander do single submissives place high expectations on potential dominants and are quick to dismiss those that dont fit in with their 'ideal'?  now i cant sit on my high horse here, when i was looking i did have a criteria of things that i was looking for in a potential dominant.

I wanted an experienced dominant, a sadist, an older man, older the better....hey dont judge me, i like the older man lol

Of course there were other things that were of importance, but those things would be discovered on getting to know the dominant, finding out if we were compatible etc, for example a dominant that was only interested in dominating in the bedroom would not have been for me, but by no means would it make him less of a dominant or not 'real'.

It took months of being in the relationship with the bossman to get the sense of 'yep, this is for me' and im pretty sure the same went for him, we had to get to know one another, vanilla as well as D/s wise.

Does the bossman always dominate me the way i want or would like? heck no, its his way, how he wants it, it is very much on his terms, yes he is open and willing to listen to what i would like etc but if i was to start dictating to him how i want to be dominated....well lets just say it wouldnt go down very well.

Perhaps rather than thinking about how he wont dominate you the way you want, you should be asking yourself are you submitting the way he wants!

and it all comes down to that little ole thing called communication.


  1. Very well said..... "Perhaps rather than thinking about how he wont dominate you the way you want, you should be asking yourself are you submitting the way he wants!"

    It is still takes me by surprise when I'm feeling "not dominated" and after reflection that in reality I'm not submitting. The two are not mutually exclusive.

    Sort of glad Master can't get His dick up 15 times a day. My pussy, throat, and ass would be so raw that I'd end up turning into a blow up doll, since there'd be a point that participation from me just is physically no longer possible. Ha!

    Great post, tori

  2. Great post Tori, well said. Love what you said about compatibility and not all dominants or submissives being the same.


  3. This is really well said and I love the quote near the end.

  4. Great post - you make an excellent point. This:

    Perhaps rather than thinking about how he wont dominate you the way you want, you should be asking yourself are you submitting the way he wants!

    is a quotable quote!!

    i don't believe in the one true way, but i guess i've been guilty of this sometimes. In fact, i'm kind of hoping you didn't write it with me in mind...

    i don't know... i guess really, communication is the key. Like you said. Anyhow. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and making me think.


  5. The "one true way" has always made me laugh. if dominants aren't people but robotic, come to life-fantasies.
    I think there is a huge difference between having an idea of what you want in a partner (older, experienced, sadist) and thinking they must dominate in a certain way, to be right and true.
    Having an idea of what you want, or the expectation, is helpful and is no different than if you were looking in the vanilla world.
    Great post :)

  6. oh yes, was nodding along to this one!

    'Perhaps rather than thinking about how he wont dominate you the way you want, you should be asking yourself are you submitting the way he wants!'

    That's a great line, so very true... I've often quietly felt the same sentiment when reading certain things....

    Half the time, I think that the sub in questions needs to be more specific - work out what kinks they like etc, so they can say 'oh, I'd like to try this kink', or 'I fantasise about this, could we try it some time?' Rather than just 'you're not dominating right'. When what they really mean is 'you're not dominating right FOR ME.' And that's still too vague anyway.

    Then again we have the whole debate over whether only submitting to how you want to be dominated is really submitting at all..

    in the end it's give and take, and as you say, communication. Both/all participant's needs and wants can be met, it might just be by compromise and not always exactly when you want, that's just life!

  7. Oh mouse read what A Kind Dom wrote and thought better than to comment. The woman has to top from the bottom to get the dom to behave the way she wants...

    Think about that for a while. It's subject mouse has written about lots of times. D/s doesn't always feel the way you think it should.

    Dominance doesn't always feel the way you think it should.


  8. Well said and a very interesting topic. My dominant asks me to provide her with my fantasies. I provide her with images and writings that she uses to thrill me. Also, she observes my FL profile and notes my likes.

    I am very lucky that she cares so much to make my experiences special.

    Again, thank you for your views on this topic.


  9. Well said everyone, not sure I can add anything :)

  10. a great post tori, like joolz dont think i can add anything else


  11. I like this!

    I think it would be hard for a dom to be dom-ish if the sub was always telling the dom how to do things...

  12. Lol, you crack me up.

    In all seriousness though, I think that one of the biggest and most important lessons I have learned regarding ttwd, is that Dominance is about him doing things his way. It seems so silly and obvious in print like that...