Often times i feel like this blog is on one repetitive loop, in fact im so sure i have written a post similar to this before! and when i feel like this i wander what and why im still here, reading around blogland as of late there seems to be similar thoughts around.
What keeps me here is its good for me to get my thoughts down, whether they be serious, or light hearted, kinky or vanilla, and i would miss the interaction with fellow bloggers, and it keeps the loneliness at bay.
I wouldnt want to change my relationship with the bossman, im happy, but i find it kind of lonely, in the respect that because of the nature of our relationship, how our dynamic works there is that sense of not being able to really be me, like with friends and family, there is that saying of 'a face for indoors and a face for out' and thats how i feel it is.
Im certainly not saying that i would want to be doing kinky things in front of other people, vanilla people, but to feel comfortable letting my submission show, albeit in a subtle way, mouse wrote a piece a week or so ago http://aslavestale.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/i-don-care-what-you-say.html which struck a chord in me.
The bossmans approval is important to me, what he thinks about me, how i behave etc is what matters most, and yet i am conscious of what people may think when i am subservient to him in a public/vanilla setting and it does hold me back in these situations.....i guess i have to admit, i cant stand the idea of people saying behind my back "ooh did you see the way she did everything" or thinking of the bossman "what an arrogant/chauvinistic ass" they may not, its probably just me convinced they do.
I wander because of society being as it is now, if behaving in this way, ie being subservient to him, makes people uncomfortable because its not something that is considered the norm in these times, as my friend says (who knows a little about our dynamic) "he does know its 2014 not 1915, doesnt he?" she says it teasingly but yet there is a hint there i suspect of what she might really be thinking....and im not sure i really would like to know what she really thinks.
And therein, is what makes this lonely, other than fellow bloggers here, i have no one whom i can relate to, or can relate to me, its like if i were to say to this friend "bloody hell its masturbation May, and he wont let me" even jokingly, she would no doubt go into a tirade of......he cant stop you, i wouldnt be having any of that, who does he think he is etc etc.....so even with my closest of friends, there is this huge part of my life, and important part of me, that i keep hidden.
So its lonely.
I appreciate that you still blog. I love reading posts like the one you put up yesterday (or was it the day before...)anyway it makes me feel not so alone in the way we do things. Makes me feel not quite so crazy. It can be lonely and a bit isolating. That's probably why I blog and join other groups as well.
ReplyDeletehugs
p
Thanks p
Deleteoh i dont think i could give up blogging, not in the foreseeable future anyway, i need the connection, to have others that i can relate to.
x
I sometimes feel that loneliness too. My own Mother, who absolutely loves Musicman, has been critical of our relationship. She often asks why I "wait on him hand and foot". I find it harder and harder not to accidentally out myself when I am with others who don't know about my relationship. I feel like I am censoring every thing I say.
ReplyDeleteoh Faerie, yes!
DeleteIt does feel like one has to censor what you want to say, i almost feel like im a split personality, because i cant let the real me come through.
x
Most of my old friends don't know about our dynamic at all, so sometimes I do feel a bit "not myself" around them now. I am very glad we have made friends in our local kinky community, though, because they actually do understand. We don't always do kinky stuff together, often it is just watching TV or, like last weekend, having a bunch of people over. I don't have to pretend not to be submissive. He doesn't have to pretend not to own me. We act just as we would act if we were alone together. It is relaxing that way.
ReplyDeleteYes, it must be lovely to have that attachment to the community, we dont, and well im pretty sure there isnt one....and its not something he has an interest in anyway.
DeleteIm ok most of the time, but sometimes it just really gets to me and yeah i feel lonely.
x
It is lonely. But definitely worth the loneliness.
ReplyDeleteoh yes this is very true.
Deletex
As someone who is quite new to all of this, I have to say I am already finding things a little tricky with friends. I can see that it could get quite lonely and I am grateful that I have the few friends I do who know. As others have said though it is worth it to be happy in yourself and your relationship.
ReplyDeleteYes its worth it, and for the most part i am ok with it, but sometimes it can be difficult, quite isolating even.
Deletex
It can be lonely.
ReplyDeleteEven among fellow kinky people, I feel very much separate...the dynamic we have have kind of puts us apart (not many are as strict, structured or M/s-ly minded) and sometimes, those interactions have heightened the loneliness.
I'm curious: How does it hold you back in public? What would you differently if you could?
For me it is a little of the opposite: I often feel braver in public able to come out of my shell, when Master is right there beside me.
I don't know what I would do without Blogland.
And I so appreciate that you are here.
i think what holds me back is the perception of other people, not that in any way we are overly demonstrative of our dynamic in public, i think if im honest a lot of it is how i was raised.
Deletex
I understand that loneliness. However, I'm fortunate that a few girlfriends know the truth. I still don't share with them everything. There are a few subs from here that I talk too a lot in email. Two that I talk too on phone or text. One, I met. I won't lie, its still a lonely feeling. Having to put on a mask to "hide" this aspect of my life is tough. I don't get moments, obviously, when we are out for it to matter, but sometimes I crave for it to matter. I'm not even sure why.
ReplyDeleteI would miss if you didn't blog. You were one of the first blogs I interacted with.
thanks HS
DeleteI think part of the problem is i want to be able to 'out' about us, our relationship but i know until society is much more accepting of alternative relationships thats not going to happen.....i hate that i have to, to a certain extent hide who i am.
x
Hi Tori, I'm so glad you're here. Mi enjoy your posts and you give me much food for thought.
ReplyDeleteIt can be lonely and sometimes tricky in public and I am so grateful for this community and the connections I have made here.
Hugs
Roz
thanks Roz
DeleteYes im very grateful that he got me blogging, and to think i was not thrilled by the idea when he set this up for me lol
x
I have not been blogging as long as you have but I get that feeling of a loop as well...I don't know what to write without sounding redundant; now with that said, and having read quite a bit of your post, I have seen your views and opinions grow with a newfound perspective. As a reader I find that refreshing, and renewing. So I am glad as a reader that you keep it going, for whatever the reasons are.
ReplyDeleteI get that lonely feeling when I am with my friends, I always feel that I can't show the real me and need to put on the hard face.
thanks Anna
DeleteYes i will admit that i can myself look back and see how i have changed, and that is a good thing, just sometimes i really feel like im stuck in groundhog day lol
x
tori,
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way you do. I need the support of my blogger friends who understand TTWD.
Just write what is on your mind. I enjoy ALL of your posts.
Hugs,
joey
thanks joey
Deleteyes this is a great little community, and im happy to be a part of it.
x
I think you do come round in a loop, certainly to certain subjects and ideas.. It's like you cycle round till you've got all you can out of them, or there's always a new perspective or something.
ReplyDeleteIt can be lonely. We've been together since we were teens so in a way we're a bit of a self contained bubble, and on the other hand, everyone's used to us. We're pretty considerate to each other in public, and also known to like a laugh together so I guess anything more unusual gets written off as that. So much of what we do, particularly when it comes to non-sexual things, even if it's newish for us, feels so natural I wouldn't think twice about it - taking his shoes of for him for example, feels totally natural. But then we both do it for various of the kids all the time, he's done it for me when I've been very pregnant, I've cared for older people that needed help with that, it doesn't seem like an overtly kinky thing.
Having said all that, I love blogging so much. I never have talked about our relationship in much depth to friends or relatives and certainly not our sex life - we're both quite private people. At the same time, I'm pretty open and not much embarrassed about anything, and love recording and sharing and the 'me too' support available in our little blogging corner of the internet is just invaluable to me. It's refreshing to be able to bitch about something and know that people will also understand that you're really fine about it and actually like pain/finding things hard and all that without having to be in depth every time about how consensual it all is etc.
It really is lonely sometimes, isn't it?
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