Often times i feel like this blog is on one repetitive loop, in fact im so sure i have written a post similar to this before! and when i feel like this i wander what and why im still here, reading around blogland as of late there seems to be similar thoughts around.
What keeps me here is its good for me to get my thoughts down, whether they be serious, or light hearted, kinky or vanilla, and i would miss the interaction with fellow bloggers, and it keeps the loneliness at bay.
I wouldnt want to change my relationship with the bossman, im happy, but i find it kind of lonely, in the respect that because of the nature of our relationship, how our dynamic works there is that sense of not being able to really be me, like with friends and family, there is that saying of 'a face for indoors and a face for out' and thats how i feel it is.
Im certainly not saying that i would want to be doing kinky things in front of other people, vanilla people, but to feel comfortable letting my submission show, albeit in a subtle way, mouse wrote a piece a week or so ago http://aslavestale.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/i-don-care-what-you-say.html which struck a chord in me.
The bossmans approval is important to me, what he thinks about me, how i behave etc is what matters most, and yet i am conscious of what people may think when i am subservient to him in a public/vanilla setting and it does hold me back in these situations.....i guess i have to admit, i cant stand the idea of people saying behind my back "ooh did you see the way she did everything" or thinking of the bossman "what an arrogant/chauvinistic ass" they may not, its probably just me convinced they do.
I wander because of society being as it is now, if behaving in this way, ie being subservient to him, makes people uncomfortable because its not something that is considered the norm in these times, as my friend says (who knows a little about our dynamic) "he does know its 2014 not 1915, doesnt he?" she says it teasingly but yet there is a hint there i suspect of what she might really be thinking....and im not sure i really would like to know what she really thinks.
And therein, is what makes this lonely, other than fellow bloggers here, i have no one whom i can relate to, or can relate to me, its like if i were to say to this friend "bloody hell its masturbation May, and he wont let me" even jokingly, she would no doubt go into a tirade of......he cant stop you, i wouldnt be having any of that, who does he think he is etc etc.....so even with my closest of friends, there is this huge part of my life, and important part of me, that i keep hidden.
So its lonely.