Didnt get a bloody t-shirt though!....but i damn well deserve one!

or maybe its me reading more into his words

Yes i know i have comments and some questions to get to, im getting there, im just a terrible procrastinator.

Master used to in the earlier years of our relationship have me watch videos, sometimes we would watch them together, videos of  bdsm, and i would find them interesting but also scary, and more often than not considered them not something i would want.

But as time goes by, the scenes in those videos that i once found 'extreme' no longer hold that thought in my head, and there is a sense of 'been there, done that' we have been together a while now and i have experienced a lot of different types of s/m, now my motivation is in pushing the edges of the s/m we do engage in, i could dwell on the thought of how far will i go, but im trying not to, and when i express this concern to him his answer always is "I will take you as far as you want to go and further"

Last week, out of the blue he had me watch a video, and its been a long time so i was intrigued that he had dug this one out, i knew this pretty much meant that it was going to be something he had in his head, so as soon as i could find a spare hour i sat down to watch it.

It was of a woman being whipped on her back, very harshly, initially watching it, it didnt faze me, i can take a hard whipping, but as the scene went on, the whipping went past my comfort zone, not enough to stop me watching it but enough to know that it would be something i could not handle, it was beyond my capabilities.

So i told him what i thought, and this was when he pissed me off, it was his response when i said that i felt it was much more than i could handle...

"shame, I thought it was amazing"

now, me being me, translated this as him thinking...

'This is something I would like to do to you, but clearly your not up to it'..ie not good enough.

Now, my answer to this is that he clearly knows that it would be too much for me otherwise his response would have been very different, if he thought i could handle it, he would just go ahead and do it, because as much as he does push me, and yes push me that bit further out of my comfort zone, he wont push me beyond my capabilities.

But i know his game, he plants seeds in my head, he knows i want to please him, and his reaction, although pissing me off, has had the effect im no doubt sure he was aiming for.

I cant get the scene in that video out of my head, and i want to please him so its making me motivated to want to giving it a go, to see if i can endure it for him, he will want me to ask for it, and going from previous experiences ultimately i will.

But then i go back to being pissed at him again, because actually i think i do damn bloody well, i do try with everything that i have got to meet his needs when it comes to his sadism, in general, he rarely has need to punish me, little discipline from time to time to keep me in check but dammit sometimes it just feels that no matter how much i give he wants that little bit more.