Its been on my mind a while now so im just going to put it out there.
Its quite common to hear submissives express 'how can i submit if he isnt dominating' or words to that effect, and in my mind it translates to meaning 'no, you want him to dominate you in the way you think he should, they way you want'.
I wander if its simply that one party is more into it than the other, which happens, and i have been there, and because it couldnt be resolved the relationship broke down, ultimatley i think you cant make someone be something they are not...no matter how much one might want to be that person.
My marriage started breaking down for many reasons but a big impact was i couldnt deny what i wanted/needed any longer, it was unfair to me and to him to carry on pretending that it was going ok, it wasnt, he wasnt a dominant man by nature and it built up a lot of resentment on both our parts because we simply was not compatible, he couldnt change who he was and neither could i.
I think perhaps this is common, more so than people want to talk about openly, it could be said..why didnt i realise this before we got married? my answer to that is i was 20, some 20 yr olds may be very sure of themselves and what they want/need, i wasnt, perhaps some may judge me but i married him because i had a young son and all i saw was security for him and for me, he could provide that.
Not the best reason to get married. Im 37 now and think very differently to what i did 10 years ago let alone before that.
Some couples successfully merge ttwd into their lives and are all the more stronger for it, i think what makes it a success is they both want it, their natures, personalities are suited to it, i cant speak from experience so im merely musing if that is the case.
But then there are the couples where one wants it more than the other, perhaps one tries to be what the other needs because they do love each other and they want the relationship to work, but trying to be something your not is hard, its draining..that i do know.
It brings about a lot of frustration, resentment because needs are not being met, at the time of my marriage i had many a moments of wishing/wanting him to be this dominant man i needed, i wanted the control and i was angry? that he couldnt be this person..if he could then everything would of been ok...but it was an unrealistic expectation.
Does the bossman exert his dominance over me in the ways i think he should or the ways i want? no not always, i found it really difficult at first (still do at times) because i was so sure in my mind of how it should be and his ways havent always 'fitted' with mine.
But then my submission isnt mine to dictate how it is utilised, its his dominance that defines my submission.
We fall into the group that is merging ttwd into our marriage. We too were very young when we married and neither sure of what we wanted or who we were.
ReplyDeleteI often worry that Daddy is only doing this for me, but he assures me (and his physical responses concur!) that it is something he wants and enjoys too! He was a dominant man when we first dated and were married, but over the years I took on the more dominant/decision making role.
That has led to a rocky road in the attempt to exchange that power, but it has brought us closer together and for that I will forever be grateful.
Hugs
hi baby girl
DeleteI do believe that it can be sucessful to merge ttwd into what perhaps started as a vanilla relationship, the fact that there are so many here that blog about this demonstrates it can work.
and yes these relationships i do think foster a closeness and a level of intimacy which is hard to explain.
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tori,
ReplyDeleteMy first wife and I married very young for all the wrong reasons. No one should judge you or your motives.
I agree that you cannot make someone embrace TTWD the way you want them to in a relationship. Also, I really think it is hard for a married couple to make a go of it, not impossible but very difficult because needs change.
Most of my friends have D/s and M/s relationships outside of their marriages. Or, they are just single and have a relationship with someone. Often, like me, it is not about sex, but other things. A male slave friend told me his wife was in the scene, but after a few years decided she wanted a vanilla marriage. He is now the slave of a female master with her blessing. A single male dom friend told me his typical D/s relationships last about twelve months. A female sub has a male dom who her husband has met. I have met her husband, he is happy that she is getting the attention than she wants that he cannot provide.
Excellent topic,
Hug,
joey
Its difficult joey, and without making judgement i think its why its common for some to seek outside their marriage because they dont perhaps recognise these needs until later in life.
DeleteThis works for many couples whose spouses know and dont mind, its not just about the sex i agree, it is so much more than that.
x
This is something I ponder on a lot! Can you be submissive to somebody who isn't naturally dominant? You're last statement implies no since it is the dominant that determines the scope of submission. I've no intention of forcing my other half to be something he is intrinsically not. I did not marry him with the plan to become D/s in our lives. Kinky in the bedroom - yes, a little amount of top/bottom, nothing more. It is an unmet need for me, but it is one I can live without as long as we continue to be adventurous in the bedroom. Beyond .... well it is a dream, that's all.
ReplyDeleteIt can be difficult, but as you have stated it can work and you both certainly (from reading your blog) are getting something out of it.
DeleteI think one of the wanderful things about ttwd there is diversity, some its kink soley in the bedroom, some its in all parts of the life....neither better than the other just different.
x
"But then my submission isnt mine to dictate how it is utilised, its his dominance that defines my submission."
ReplyDeleteHow perfectly stated.
Being in one of those couples who has (apparently) successfully merged ttwd into our lives, I think that your musings on it are spot on.
Thanks lil
DeleteIt clearly does work as you demonstrate as well as many others and i would assume its because of both naturally desiring it, and wanting it to be a sucess....its not forced or 'put on' to please the other.
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I love your musings but would offer one different observation of my own. I disagree that "how can i submit if he isnt dominating" translates into "no, you want him to dominate you in the way you think he should, they way you want."
ReplyDeleteThere is a huge difference between submitting to someone who is dominating you differently than you would prefer (like you do at times :-)) and submitting to someone who is not dominating you at all.
If someone decides not to spank you, it is admirable to submissively accept that decision and not act out to get your own way. But if spanking you never even occurs to the person because they are simply not dominant and the submissive is telling herself that she is just submitting to his "decision," that is where frustration can arise. To me, that is almost submitting to yourself.
It is the dominant's choice how or even whether to dominate, but only as long as the "dominant" is making that choice.
love, squirrel
hi squirrel
DeleteAlthough i do get your logic in that scenario, i was meaning when one is trying to be something they are not to please the other, so they are 'acting' dominant but its not enough perhaps to meet the submissives needs..and thats where the conflict come into play.
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I think you are right in many ways, but I also don't think that I would end my marriage over this one issue (not saying that anyone has as things are always way more complicated than that).
ReplyDeleteIt is a complete package - marriage - sometimes it works better than others - but you weigh it all.
Anyway, I started out to say how right you are, and you are. It just isn't that black and white in my world. :)
Yep i agree marriage is a complete package, i have to say although my marriage failed for a few reasons, my need for this lifestyle was a big one, it was me trying to be someone i wasnt to keep the marriage going that started it going downhill.
DeleteNo nothing ever is black and white, perhaps there are exceptions.
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Great post, Tori.
ReplyDeleteI feel exactly as you do when you said, "But then my submission isnt mine to dictate how it is utilised, its his dominance that defines my submission."
Though I think there are times when all of us 's' types can be caught up in not entirely relinquishing control or wanting to dictate our submission and by extension, their dominance.
As far as marriages breaking down--well there are many reasons for a marriage not working. Its probably that much harder when you throw in the want for a D/s dynamic and not having that need met, but I feel personally, it is never just one issue that causes the chasm between two people to open.
Thanks Blueame
DeleteOh yes there are definitley moments of time when i do struggle and i 'fight' against his control, its not all roses lol
And yes agreed when relationships breakdown there generally is a catalyst that sparks it but its generally more than just one issue.
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