Its been on my mind a while now so im just going to put it out there.
Its quite common to hear submissives express 'how can i submit if he isnt dominating' or words to that effect, and in my mind it translates to meaning 'no, you want him to dominate you in the way you think he should, they way you want'.
I wander if its simply that one party is more into it than the other, which happens, and i have been there, and because it couldnt be resolved the relationship broke down, ultimatley i think you cant make someone be something they are not...no matter how much one might want to be that person.
My marriage started breaking down for many reasons but a big impact was i couldnt deny what i wanted/needed any longer, it was unfair to me and to him to carry on pretending that it was going ok, it wasnt, he wasnt a dominant man by nature and it built up a lot of resentment on both our parts because we simply was not compatible, he couldnt change who he was and neither could i.
I think perhaps this is common, more so than people want to talk about openly, it could be said..why didnt i realise this before we got married? my answer to that is i was 20, some 20 yr olds may be very sure of themselves and what they want/need, i wasnt, perhaps some may judge me but i married him because i had a young son and all i saw was security for him and for me, he could provide that.
Not the best reason to get married. Im 37 now and think very differently to what i did 10 years ago let alone before that.
Some couples successfully merge ttwd into their lives and are all the more stronger for it, i think what makes it a success is they both want it, their natures, personalities are suited to it, i cant speak from experience so im merely musing if that is the case.
But then there are the couples where one wants it more than the other, perhaps one tries to be what the other needs because they do love each other and they want the relationship to work, but trying to be something your not is hard, its draining..that i do know.
It brings about a lot of frustration, resentment because needs are not being met, at the time of my marriage i had many a moments of wishing/wanting him to be this dominant man i needed, i wanted the control and i was angry? that he couldnt be this person..if he could then everything would of been ok...but it was an unrealistic expectation.
Does the bossman exert his dominance over me in the ways i think he should or the ways i want? no not always, i found it really difficult at first (still do at times) because i was so sure in my mind of how it should be and his ways havent always 'fitted' with mine.
But then my submission isnt mine to dictate how it is utilised, its his dominance that defines my submission.