Falling down

It had been a long time since he has had reason to punish me, last December in fact, sure the odd reprimands since then but otherwise its been all good, up until i had a blow out the other evening.

I refused outright to obey him, he had instructed me to bend over the bend for a caning and i didnt want one, this is unusual because well i love the cane, its my implement of choice, but i had not long had a few strokes and i didnt respond well to them as i normally do.

So i said "no" and i meant it, i was not going to have anymore and i got up, rushed into the bathroom and locked myself in...i suppose it could be seen as quite comical if it wasnt for the fact that he doesnt like disobedience and he sure as hell doesnt like being told no.

He calmly told me to open the door, and initially i wouldnt, i knew what would be waiting for me when i did and i didnt want it, but then in all of this i felt so bad, behaving the way i was and not knowing why i was acting like it, because its not like me.

It wasnt just the actual disobedience, there was more to it than that (which i dont want to go into) im ashamed to admit that my behaviour was awful, how i spoke to him was disrespectful, i behaved like a stroppy teenager not getting what i wanted, how i wanted and the caning was just the straw that broke the camels back...i refused to obey because i was being petulant.

Of course i had to come out the bathroom, and i got to my knees as i unlocked the door, this guilt just washing over me, sorry, sorry over and over, he didnt say much, and thats horrid, we went to bed, it would be discussed and dealt with the following day...and thats not normal...usually its get it out the way and addressed with asap.

I always have to explain to him why im being punished, so there is a very clear understanding of why, and it simply wasnt just about refusing to obey, its understanding why, what triggered it and how i could have handled myself differently...what have i learnt.

He brought out a tawse, which i have had on my ass before, he said that as i had behaved in a childish way i would be punished as children once were, and told me to hold out my hands.  He has never punished me in this manner before..i have never had my palms struck before full stop.

Its horrid!  i got 4 on each palm and they left their mark, after 2 i buckled and was pleading for mercy, but that wasnt happening, without a doubt out of the physical punishments i have ever gotten this was the worst.

Unusually as well, im still beating myself up over it, when generally once its been dealt, its forgiven, move on, but im finding it difficult on this occassion.  Not in anyway because i begrudge the punishment, i deserved it, but rather that i should have known better than to behave the way i did, its pointless dwelling on it, its done, move on.

I think its a combination of after having had such a great weekend, the punishment has sort of tainted that, or rather more accuratly my behaviour has, its like when i do disappoint him in this way it lowers his expectations of me and that hurts more than the punishment itself.