Thursday 16 May 2013

Falling down

It had been a long time since he has had reason to punish me, last December in fact, sure the odd reprimands since then but otherwise its been all good, up until i had a blow out the other evening.

I refused outright to obey him, he had instructed me to bend over the bend for a caning and i didnt want one, this is unusual because well i love the cane, its my implement of choice, but i had not long had a few strokes and i didnt respond well to them as i normally do.

So i said "no" and i meant it, i was not going to have anymore and i got up, rushed into the bathroom and locked myself in...i suppose it could be seen as quite comical if it wasnt for the fact that he doesnt like disobedience and he sure as hell doesnt like being told no.

He calmly told me to open the door, and initially i wouldnt, i knew what would be waiting for me when i did and i didnt want it, but then in all of this i felt so bad, behaving the way i was and not knowing why i was acting like it, because its not like me.

It wasnt just the actual disobedience, there was more to it than that (which i dont want to go into) im ashamed to admit that my behaviour was awful, how i spoke to him was disrespectful, i behaved like a stroppy teenager not getting what i wanted, how i wanted and the caning was just the straw that broke the camels back...i refused to obey because i was being petulant.

Of course i had to come out the bathroom, and i got to my knees as i unlocked the door, this guilt just washing over me, sorry, sorry over and over, he didnt say much, and thats horrid, we went to bed, it would be discussed and dealt with the following day...and thats not normal...usually its get it out the way and addressed with asap.

I always have to explain to him why im being punished, so there is a very clear understanding of why, and it simply wasnt just about refusing to obey, its understanding why, what triggered it and how i could have handled myself differently...what have i learnt.

He brought out a tawse, which i have had on my ass before, he said that as i had behaved in a childish way i would be punished as children once were, and told me to hold out my hands.  He has never punished me in this manner before..i have never had my palms struck before full stop.

Its horrid!  i got 4 on each palm and they left their mark, after 2 i buckled and was pleading for mercy, but that wasnt happening, without a doubt out of the physical punishments i have ever gotten this was the worst.

Unusually as well, im still beating myself up over it, when generally once its been dealt, its forgiven, move on, but im finding it difficult on this occassion.  Not in anyway because i begrudge the punishment, i deserved it, but rather that i should have known better than to behave the way i did, its pointless dwelling on it, its done, move on.

I think its a combination of after having had such a great weekend, the punishment has sort of tainted that, or rather more accuratly my behaviour has, its like when i do disappoint him in this way it lowers his expectations of me and that hurts more than the punishment itself.

















16 comments:

  1. tori,

    Sometimes it is so hard to get into the right headspace. I can relate to that.

    And, it feels so horrible to let someone down or feel you have. That really hurts.

    I cannot offer advice just a big virtual hug.

    Hug,
    joey

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    1. Thanks joey

      It was unusual for me but yes sometimes getting into the right headspace doesnt always come easily.

      x

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  2. Omg, I'm so sorry! I don't have any advise either (obviously. I'm pretty much a new born) but I'm sending my thoughts and (((hugs)))
    Hang in there.

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    1. Thanks Sarah

      It was horrid, its just i cant get my head around why im still feeling so bad about it, im feeling better now though.

      x

      Delete
  3. Aw, don't beat yourself up--you are an amazing subbie!! I'm just curious, do you have a safeword? Was hiding in the bathroom your way of safewording out of it? You said you had a great weekend, but your limits were really pushed with the stripping in front of the 3rd party thing...maybe you were acting out about some of that? And maybe there's something still unresolved between you or within yourself and that's why you can't move forward from the punishment? I don't know, just brainstorming, feel free to ignore me.

    Sending you love and hugs.

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    1. Hi Renee

      No we dont use a safeword, he knows this was unusual for me to be like this as im not like it generally which pretty much communicates to him that there is more an 'issue' that needs dealing with.

      I think you have hit the nail on the head that yes i was still having unresolved feelings, and im terrible for bottling it up rather than dealing with it immediatley.

      Im feeling much better about it now, still having niggles but im being silly, i need to move on from it.

      x

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  4. That is rough, the beating yourself up about it afterward is the worst. He always orders me to let go of the guilt after punishment has happened, but it is sometimes really hard to do. Hugs.

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    1. Hi ancilla

      Its easy for them to say let it go lol

      I think sometimes we (or i certainly do) beat myself up more than he ever could, i think it is that im just so ashamed of the way i behaved and thats whats been eating at me.

      x

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  5. Tori,

    That disappointment is such a hard thing to process...such a hard thing to move past. I am so sorry. It's wicked. I wish you peace.

    Hugs,
    fiona

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    1. thank fiona

      Im much better about it all now, but yes i agree its the disappointment that makes it hard, i dont like causing him to be displeased with me especially when i behaved so disgracefully.

      x

      Delete
  6. Sorry this happened Tori, sometimes we just have to act out. It could be any number of things that triggered this and it sounds like you may know some of what's going. Sorry the punishment was so bad but the mental torment is something you have to let go. Sometimes it helps to write it in letter so you can move on.

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    1. Thanks dancing

      Yes it was major acting out and when it happens i feel like im going backwards, that this shouldnt be happening anymore, so when it does i feel like a failure.

      Writing about it helps because it makes me face it and reflect, and of course talking about it, getting out, rather than keeping it all in.

      x

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  7. I can't relate to the punishment - it's not in part of what we do - but I do know the emotion of disappointment in oneself lingers for long after the event. I hope you find peace of mind and remember forgiving yourself is just as important as been forgiven.
    hugs
    DF

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    1. Thank DF

      Now im feeling its more or less resolved, its just so difficult knowing that i behaved so shamefully when i know better.

      x

      Delete
  8. Tori: HUGS!

    I find that focusing more on what I'm/We're doing right sometimes gets me out of the mind frame of beating myself up over it.
    Sometimes, the sub just needs to rebel or crawl out of our skin, I find.
    There have been times after a punishment--after a day or two where I have (respectfully of course) requested play...sometimes I find I need more catharsis than what the punishment delivered.

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  9. Thankyou Bleuame

    I do like that idea of play afterwards, although im not sure he would go along with that, the punishment is meant to serve as catharsis, this time it didnt, if im honest i think its because i deserved so much more than i got.

    Im feeling a lot better about it now, i needed to resolve how i behaved in my head, it wasnt nice behaviour at all.

    x

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