"what are you offering me"

I am allowed to ask if i want to masturbate and sometimes it will be a simple yes or no and then there are the times he will say "what can you offer me in return?".   One of his favourite things is when i ask or beg for something i outright dislike or i struggle with and when he makes this request it has to be either of these.

This request makes me have to think of his pleasure before mine, but also challenges me to think of something that he finds appealing, the more creative the better as this will please him more.  It doesnt have to be pain related it can be something humiliating, it can be something we have done before but i have really struggled with, its difficult to have to decide your own 'fate' more so when it has to be something disliked but yet its also very much a turn on.

I love feeding his sadism or being the filthy slut he likes to treat me as, but i have to be wary of not biting off more than i can chew, when i make an offer and he accepts it there is no going back....it will happen.  Its these times that make me address areas i struggle in and the very fact that im asking for 'it' is the icing on the cake for him.

Sometimes the list of my offerings build up (which it is at the moment) and i know my immediate future is going to involve a session getting through them, this fills me with dread but also a sense of achievement that slowly im confronting those things i dislike/struggle with.

dont knock it till you tried it....i dont think so!!!

I have to face facts as im getting older (im 36 so maturally youthful as i call it) im getting less and less tolerant and dare i say it but grumpy, is this normal?  I look at these young men with their jeans halfway down their asses and i have a burning need to go over and yank them up and tell them to buy ones that fit or invest in a belt...not that i have a habit of looking at young mens asses i hasten to add.

I have my teenage son telling me im "random" what the hell is that supposed to mean?  i knew that perhaps i was finally "past it" (sons words) when he came home from school after having sex education classes and informed of a sexual term i had never heard of!  Two women cup? of course being the adult and the mum i couldnt possibly admit to not knowing so as soon as he was in bed i googled it and then really wish i hadnt.

I dont know what horrified me more...what it was or the fact that he heard this from a sex education teacher...perhaps i need to go back to school! 

You know that phrase 'you dont know you dont like it until you try it' well what a load of bollocks, of course its a phrase i used with my kids when trying to get veggies down there mouths and i have no doubt i have used since but no...not any more....there are some things i dont need to try to know i dont like them.

safewords

I think i have briefly touched on the use or non use of safewords before but the comment on my last post has prompted me to re-visit it.

First off i want to state that in no way do i believe that not having a safeword makes someone better than another nor do i think it makes them reckless.  Simply put like almost everything its down to what works for the people involved and for us we prefer not to have a safeword.

What we both enjoy is the exchange of power, this can be on many levels or to many extremes, for some people they thrive on being micro-managed and having every aspect of their life dictated to.....this does not work for us, so its fair to say that power exchange may differ from one couple to the next with none being better than the other.  I am getting to the point honestly.

We do engage in a fair bit of s&m and one of the biggest thrills for both of us is pushing me and yes testing the boundries, seeing how far i can go, trying different scenarios, different combinations of implements etc.  Thats not to say every session is like that as they are not but for me personally i get a buzz out of being taken out my comfort zone and this is when not having a safeword comes into play.

At these times im begging, sometimes crying i really want it to stop and yes a part of me doesnt like him and boy does he get called names, im sometimes even a bit resentful intially afterwards that he has treated me in this horrible way.   But we both know i love it and i do, i love the feeling of being completley at his mercy and under his control with no way of escaping what is happening even though i may desperatley want to at the time..

If i had a safeword then there would have been times i most probably would have used it which is fine, but it would have meant not having the amazing feelings afterwards, i would have missed some experiences that now give me great enjoyment.   These experiences create a different effect/scene which for us gives a great deal of satisfaction and emphasises the power exchange which we have.

Then there is the safety aspect, with any scenario you have to be aware of the potential risks involved and safety is the priority so there may well be steps that need to be taken so that any risks are minimised.  We have been together nearly 5 years and thankfully there has been no occassion where my safety has been in danger or an unwanted injury, thats not to say it couldnt happen as it could.  To safeguard against this a safeword could be practical but what about when im hooded/gagged and restrained as such that im unable to communicate on any level that somethings wrong that shouldnt be?

In this scenario i have no choice but to absolutley put all my trust in him and that he is going to be monitoring the situation closely to be aware of any changes in my reactions etc and to pick up on and handle any unwanted problems that may arise.  

I trust him completley obviously and know without a doubt that he would stop immediatley if something wasnt right or he knew i had really had enough, he knows my responses well enough by now to make good judgement.   I recall a time when he was caning me and i was in subpace or floating as i prefer to call it, he stopped and i was annoyed and asked him to continue as i was so enjoying having my floaty moment.  He wouldnt continue and when i was untied i could understand why, my ass was a mess and bleeding, but because of the headspace i was in i was of course unaware and would have happily carried on.

Bottom line is for us a safeword has no place in our dynamic and the type of power exchange we enjoy but it is important for others whether its used or not....would be damn boring if we were all the same.

i can do this....but how?

So i have been thinking about my resolutions..from now on referred to as goals..and i know the hardest one will be obeying immediatley without resistance of any kind. 

I dont do this all the time but certainly more than is acceptable and he does like obedience obviously, and he doesnt place many expectations on me and i certainly dont have lots of rules (micro management is not for us).  Mostly it occurs when its something new, something i dont like or it doesnt suit me at that time (which is in my mind the worst reason of all), i have no problem obeying immediatley when its something i enjoy obv. which is good but is not acceptable as a whole not in our dynamic.

We dont have a safeword so i have no get out unless i have a very good reason, and im happy with this and wouldnt want to change it and i do get off on being pushed further perhaps not at the time but afterwards i feel a sense of satisfaction that i have served and pleased him in this way.  So why do i sometimes put up a struggle? it doesnt please him and it only makes things worse, i want to say its because im afraid and sometimes i am but yet i trust him completley so why should i fear?

Im a masochist i enjoy pain or should i say it arouses me and im always dripping wet yet sometimes i dont like the pain thats being inflicted although my body tells a different story.  My state of mind plays a large part in how i react, if its punishment which it was at the dungeon then i cant relax and embrace it and the fear is justified.

When its not punishment he still will hurt me in ways i dont like but i can accept it more because i am pleasing him through my sufferring rather than it being because he isnt pleased with me.  My pain threshold varies im disappointed that i didnt bleed when usually i beg for him to beat me until there is blood but this time it just wasnt happening..although i do have faint marks left on my back from the whipping so thats a bonus.....im digressing!

We both know he needs to be harder on me when i dont obey immediatley, whether this be a short sharp smack accross the face which gets me focused immediatley or god forbid another session like the weekend in the dungeon which is something i want to avoid.  I think the biggest motivator has to be the fact that i want to please him and when he tells me that im not that hurts more than any physical punishment he could inflict.

oops i did it again!!!

I have realised that last weekend i broke everyone of my new years resolutions...well in all fairness are they not meant to be made to be broken?  I only had 3

to be respectfull at all times

to not attempt in any way to get out or negotiate a punishment

to obey immediatley without question or resistance of any kind

thats not too good is it really considering we havent even got to February yet and i broke them all in one day.....that has to be a record surely!!!

However its these 3 areas that i know i have to work on, i know its what would please him and make me a better slave which is what we both want.  Im going to have a think on these and how i can improve, i want to tell him how sorry i am for how i behaved but i cant because he has heard it too many times so why should it make a difference now...i can only be patient and prove in time that i am sorry by succeeding in these areas.......the challenge is now on....cue dramatic music!!!!

oh dear blog i have missed you.....for now!!!!! (i love exclamation marks!)

ok i am not going to say i will post really regularly coz im crap at doing daily posts, well i start off with good intentions but then it falls by the wayside...im a terrible procrastinator..but i have set myself a target of posting at least once a week because i used to really enjoy posting and its been too long.

Im not concious of if people read this or not and apart from the last 3 posts which were written in the style of being aimed at my Owner which they were most of them wont be.  I dont mind comments even those that are critical (and i have had a few of them in the past) i like a good debate however i wont have the way i live judged just because it doesnt fit with what someone else decides is the one true way....the only way i care about is what my Owner expects...othewise welcome

read the previous 3 entries first..please

The previous 3 entries although posted here yesterday were actually written on the Sunday night and saved to email then copied and pasted onto the blog...i couldnt sleep i had too much going on in my head over the events of the weekend. I was going to edit the aftermath blog because on re-reading it this morning i feel differently/in a better frame of mind. However the fact is that is how i felt then and to change that post now would be avoiding owning up to that i do have ups and downs and moments of irrational insecurity.

So how do i think now?

I want to be a good slave for you and i know in some areas i havent been especially when its something i dont want to do and i resist as i did at the dungeon. I refuse to accept the blame lies all with me, your my Master and i have on many previous occassions gotten away with resisting and telling you no....you should have stamped that out straightaway.

On my part i think that i need to focus on the difference between wants and needs for example i dont want to be punished as i was for saying no to you or not obeying instantly but i need to be. I need to keep in mind this is not a conventional relationship (thank god!) and you are my Master first which is what i want not a lover (although i do love you) and i do sometimes need to remind myself or need reminding of this fact.

I do feel secure as your slave and i hope i make you happy most of the time because it is important to me i want to be the best i can for you, i will work harder at putting your needs/desires before mine but i cant promise it will all go smoothly all of the time.

Im not proud of the way i behaved at the dungeon if anything im ashamed, but whats done is done, there is no point in my dwelling on it i need to learn from it and improve hopefully the easier way rather than the hard way.

What i have missed about doing this blog is its a way i can communicate with you, not that i feel unable to face to face but sometimes its easier to get my thoughts written down than it is to verbalise them.

the aftermath

What has pissed me off and still is to a certain extent is a few things. Firstly i remember saying to you right back when we first became involved that i needed you to be hard on me because if i knew i could get away with things or get out of something then i would try my damndest to do so...in fact i wrote about this on the blog back in 2007 a quote from it "i know if im not corrected/punished harshly the first time and it does need to be harsh then the behaviour wont stop". So i feel like its not all my fault and the sole blame shouldnt lie at my feet for my behaviour, now after a few years its going to be difficult for me to change, i will do my best to because i want to please you and also because i dont want a repeat of the weekends experiences but being realistically the chances are im going to need the occassional hard reminder.


This was the first occassion it felt (because it was) like real punishment, in hindsight yes i do know i deserved it your my Owner and you deserve to be spoken to with respect and i should obey you immediatley without question...but you should have put a stop to this much earlier and not let it get this far. Secondly after the dungeon visit i felt like i wasnt good enough for you and nothing i say or do pleases you, i wanted to scream at you to find someone else that could please you better than i do because you dont make me feel like i do a very good job of it but i was scared of being whipped more but that is how i felt. I needed to hear something anything positive to make me feel that the whipping was worth it and that i did please you and i could be a good slave but no you couldnt even give me that comfort...as much as i need you to be harsh with me i also need to know you care and on leaving that dungeon i didnt feel like you did.


On the plus side i have learnt from it and i am aware that i have a lot of behaviours that have to change to make me a better slave, i know that you can treat me like that again just because it pleases you and i would rather it was that than because i have displeased or disobeyed you. I know you enjoyed it more so i think than on any other occassions when we have been to the dungeon and that scares me to be honest but as long as its not for punishment then i can and will endure it....but im not naive enough to think that i wont get punished again because im human and im going to fuck up. Also i do respect you and if its possible i respect you even more now because i needed to know i couldnt get away with my behaviour and i definitley know that now. I love you and even though i might act up like i did or say horrible things its because im scared and i hope you know i dont mean it.

Usually after a weekend im on a high for a few days and im not this time, perhaps because i feel i didnt get closure after the dungeon visit, i still feel that im not good enough and you deserve better....hopefully i will feel differently once i get off this downer.

On a lighter note its a good job i can keep my thoughts to myself (at times) because i do believe i invented new words to call you and none of them complimentary.

the dungeon

I didnt want to get out the damn car, i had a taster of the mood you was in and i didnt like it, i was trying to make light of it but i was bloody scared and this was even worse...you had toys and no worry about noise to interfere with what you wanted. When we got shown to the smaller room rather than the one we normally use my immediate thought was there are no whips in here it didnt cross my mind that she would get what was requested even though it was obvious that would happen....at this point i was just seeing every get out possible, the only bright moment at this point is she didnt come back with a single tail. It didnt start off very well i remember protesting not wanting to take my clothes off and get over the bench (not the smartest move), so when i did i was close to tears already and you hadnt even started.


Its pretty much a blur i had got myself so worked up that i cant easily recall i remember getting the whip on my back as punishment for being disrespectful and that fucking hurt, i was struggling to get free and begging but you wouldnt stop. I would have promised anything just for it too stop. I do remember the caning, and i do love that large cane (really want one of those..please Sir?) it took me longer than usual to settle into the caning i think because i was worked up but once i started to relax it was very enjoyable and i was begging you to fuck my ass..had i realised the type of lube you was going to use i wouldnt have bothered, it burnt and was not a pleasurable sensation and it seemed to take forever to stop. You used the magic wand on me next.... this and the caning was the only pleasurable parts of the dungeon visit and i squirted on the floor.


I recall being told to get something i think it was the cane the one i dont like and i said no so you picked up the whip and told me to stand against the whipping frame to which i refused and the pleading started but as before you wasnt having it. My fear at this point had gone beyond being rational and i was getting frustrated because i know when it comes to the whip i cant keep still its not that i choose to move from position to piss you off or to intentionally disobey you i just cant keep myself there and if i have to be whipped i would prefer to be restrained. You was issuing threats of what would happen if i did move which was making me worse because you wouldnt listen to me and i did move after the second stroke and proceeded to tell you i wasnt getting back into position. At this point it was an internal battle with myself because i was fighting against telling you to go fuck yourself but also wanting to obey you which i did eventually but only because the alternative could have had been more detrimental in the long term, i was angry and upset and at that moment i genuinely didnt like you and agreed with whatever you said just for the sake of it not because i meant it.


Afterwards you had me suck your dick and for the first time i didnt want to, i was crying, pissed off and your needs was the last thing i cared about, in my mind i didnt deserve it i had agreed i did because its what you wanted to hear. Usually when you beat me it puts me in a more submissive state of mind and im more subservient this time i was just angry and upset.... it started off badly and ended badly and thats what i didnt like the most and made me have the attitude afterwards.

saying "no" to you is not a good idea...new mantra!!!

yay im back


I miss the blog because its something to look back on, i have since re-read from the beginnning and after the weekend we have just had it all seems irrelevant, i mean this weekend was a turning point for me and i think it warrants being remembered...for good reasons as well as the negative.

This is going to be a long one so definitley more than one post. I knew i was going to be punished and i was worried but not overly so, enough to know it was going to hurt but i never expected you to be so cruel, had i known i wouldnt have been looking forward to the weekend at all. When we got to the room and you said you needed to pee i immediatley started to complain that would mean having to get undressed and showered before going out to the dungeon later which didnt suit me, i saw it as being a hassle. You smacked my face hard and i didnt see that coming and your mood changed completley and i wasnt quite sure intitially how to respond i havent as far as i can recall known you to turn so quickly and it threw me off balance.


You was definitley not in a mood to be argued with that i did pick up on, i was scared but this time was different i thought i had been scared before but this time i had damn good reason to be scared. You made it clear that you have had enough of my attitute, i cant remember your words exactly but the gist of it was enough and my only reaction was to beg, to try to say something anything to put you back in a better mood but nothing i said mattered i had pushed way too far this time. You had me take off my upper clothing so my back was bare and i was knelt on the floor over the bed where you used the multi tailed whip on my back, i dont particularly like this whip but i hate it on my back....i dont tend to handle anything on my back it is by far my weakest area to be hit on. I was begging and desperatly trying to move out of position to try to plead with you but fuck me you was determined and wouldnt stop until you was satisfied. I dont like looking you in the eye when im being beaten or immediately after because i know i can be defiant and my eyes show it and also if im honest i dont like showing that that you have got to me so to avoid you picking up on this i will tend to look down but you insisted i look at you, my relectance got me another smack accross the face and more with the whip..this was all completley new and i can honestly say i didnt like it.


You had me lick your feet this i do love, i relish worshipping your feet which funnily enough originally it was something i could take or leave its not something i see as sexual in nature but rather it leaves me humbled in a content way and its now something i need to do every time we are together, if denied i think i would be inclined to think along the lines that i have displeased you in some way..licking your feet has become important to me..simply put it denotes my status.