I swear to god He has a selective memory when it suits Him, i cant believe now He has all of a sudden remembered my masturbating without permission from a few weeks ago, although i still dispute that i shouldnt be punished (ref previous blog entry), ok yesterday i was in the wrong although i didnt think so at the time.
Actually im feeling quite ashamed of myself i knew when i watched the bdsm video clips that i would get aroused and would want to cum and i did ask permission but didnt wait for His reply i went ahead and done it anyway, i was confident that He would give permission so i felt justified in my actions. On reflection i have to be honest and admit that i knew i shouldnt have done so and worse i think what subconciously made me do it is i wanted His attention the only flaw with this is yes i will have His attention but not in a positive light. Now im getting myself worked up over the liklihood of Him making me use the butt plug although it could be worse but heck im not stating how im not that stupid.
On a change of note i have one bruise left on my left tit, quite a nice one too its the one where He put the needle in that drew a lot of blood, i would like to try more next time needles that is although preferbly not thicker ones yet. Its the thought of them going through my nipples thats making me squirm although strangely enough im keen to get them pierced which is odd considering i really cant stand the idea of needles through them.
Wednesday, 28 November 2007
Thursday, 22 November 2007
a plan!!!!
It has occurred to me in the last few days as i have been looking back over the weekend that i need to find a strategy to avoid threats of something i dislike, ie the whip and the butt plug. Sometimes i hesitate when told to do something or i try to avoid it altogether and all He has to do is mention either the whip or the plug and i immediatley comply, now i know i should anyway without having to be threatened but its not easy and i do think i am getting a little better. However i do find it frustrating that i have these 2 things hanging over my head because i dislike them so much so i figure the only way of preventing this is to get used to them.
The butt plug shouldnt be too difficult i figure if i start using it everyday and gradually increasing the pumps over a period of time i should naturally get used to it so it wouldnt be so bad when He does make me have it in and therefore cannot be used as a threat or a punishment. I briefly put this to Him and He was ok with it as it works in His favour as well because i know He wants me to be able to have larger plugs at a later date anyway.
Hmm the whip is a problem as obviously im not able to build up a resistance to it due to the fact of the length of time between seeing one another so im not sure as yet how to eliminate this as a problem but im working on it. I hate the fact that He loves knowing i hate it.
The butt plug shouldnt be too difficult i figure if i start using it everyday and gradually increasing the pumps over a period of time i should naturally get used to it so it wouldnt be so bad when He does make me have it in and therefore cannot be used as a threat or a punishment. I briefly put this to Him and He was ok with it as it works in His favour as well because i know He wants me to be able to have larger plugs at a later date anyway.
Hmm the whip is a problem as obviously im not able to build up a resistance to it due to the fact of the length of time between seeing one another so im not sure as yet how to eliminate this as a problem but im working on it. I hate the fact that He loves knowing i hate it.
Wednesday, 21 November 2007
saturday night
We went back to the same pub again for dinner and decided to have a few drinks and i was a little tiddly not pissed though and the same goes for Him. I found it very amusing that on the way back to the chalet He said that there was no chance of me getting any more pain this evening and i was determined that i was. There was some beer in the fridge so we sat and had a bottle each and chilled for a bit before retiring to bed and He was still muttering about not giving me any pain so i figured all He needed was a gentle push so i called Him a twat, and well with the belt stragically placed on the bed how could He resist not to beat me with it. I was very giggly i tend to be when i have had a few to drink and i was pleased with myself that i had got what i wanted and its easier to handle the pain more when slightly intoxicated. I asked for the cane and He obliged however at this point i bit off more than i can chew i really believed in my tipsy state that i would be able to manipulate Him into stopping when i wanted Him too....no after several strokes i was begging Him to stop and He made me take 10 more and fuck those hurt, i think if i recall correctly i laughed on the last one so He added one more and that one really hurt.
Lying back in bed, He started slapping my face and its something initially i havent wanted to do its been a big no-no mainly because i was worried about leaving any visible marks, but i loved it and as he was slapping me i was masturbating. At one point He put His hand over my mouth and nose effectively stopping me from breathing and its something we havent done before or even talked about but i think He knows me well enough now to know i would like it and i did and i actually orgasmed as He was doing it at intervals.
I started sucking His cock and being in my tiddly state i was adamant i was doing it how i wanted to do it basically fast which He doesnt like and i told Him so and promptly got threatened with the butt plug so that altered things and i complied begrudgingly. He went to the toilet and was muttering something about the whip and i said something like "go on then whatever" thankfully He didnt hear or chose not to take any notice, overall i was not a very obedient slave and i put this down to alcohol induced topping from the bottom, because there is no way i would have spoken to Him or behaved so brazenley defiant otherwise, im not stupid if i was sober and said or behaved this way well i like having skin too much put it that way.
On waking up my first intial thoughts were "oh fuck what did i say to Him" i was mentally going over how i behaved and i was mortified and my ass was throbbing and i was dreading if He was going to beat me more and i hesitantly asked Him if He was going to punish me, thankfully He wasnt because i was tiddly and therefore not behaving as i would normally. Although i enjoyed drinking with Him i think i have to be aware that this makes me push and provoke Him and therefore i have to accept that i may have to be careful of the consequences this may bring because i think i was treading on thin ice at times.
i love You very much Sir, thankyou for a great weekend
Lying back in bed, He started slapping my face and its something initially i havent wanted to do its been a big no-no mainly because i was worried about leaving any visible marks, but i loved it and as he was slapping me i was masturbating. At one point He put His hand over my mouth and nose effectively stopping me from breathing and its something we havent done before or even talked about but i think He knows me well enough now to know i would like it and i did and i actually orgasmed as He was doing it at intervals.
I started sucking His cock and being in my tiddly state i was adamant i was doing it how i wanted to do it basically fast which He doesnt like and i told Him so and promptly got threatened with the butt plug so that altered things and i complied begrudgingly. He went to the toilet and was muttering something about the whip and i said something like "go on then whatever" thankfully He didnt hear or chose not to take any notice, overall i was not a very obedient slave and i put this down to alcohol induced topping from the bottom, because there is no way i would have spoken to Him or behaved so brazenley defiant otherwise, im not stupid if i was sober and said or behaved this way well i like having skin too much put it that way.
On waking up my first intial thoughts were "oh fuck what did i say to Him" i was mentally going over how i behaved and i was mortified and my ass was throbbing and i was dreading if He was going to beat me more and i hesitantly asked Him if He was going to punish me, thankfully He wasnt because i was tiddly and therefore not behaving as i would normally. Although i enjoyed drinking with Him i think i have to be aware that this makes me push and provoke Him and therefore i have to accept that i may have to be careful of the consequences this may bring because i think i was treading on thin ice at times.
i love You very much Sir, thankyou for a great weekend
saturday
Blog is back to how it was originally and i prefer it to be open to all not that it makes much of a difference except i can write without directing it as though i was talking to You alone, which i have been for the last few weeks.
Anyway Saturday morning, i love the Saturday mornings because i like waking up next to Him knowing that we have the whole day and night in front of us, and its nice being able to cuddle up and i get to molest His body thats always a bonus. I love licking His ass and playing with His balls and cock simultaneously, well i pretty much enjoy serving and pleasing Him anyway really when it comes to His sexual needs, and i dont mind if i dont get relief myself but of course His needs come before mine anyway.
Eventually got out of bed, hunger usually does it and we went to a village to track down somewhere to get breakfast although turned out to be lunch as time was getting on, the place was full of old people not that i mind old people and i did find it amusing a bit like elephants that gather at one place to die. In the car was a selection of rods for birching and i cant say i was looking forward to it very much at all, my ass was still sore and i knew it would hurt a lot so i was avoiding the subject of birching altogether.
On arriving back to the chalet, had a coffee relaxed for a while although i was on tenderhooks because i knew He had plans but i didnt know what. He blindfolded me and attached clamps, i hate being blindfolded it makes me feel queasy as i cant see what is happening but most of all i really hate not being able to see Him, when i can see Him even if He is doing something i dont like ie. as with the whipping i still feel reassurred because i can see Him silly but its the only way i can explain how i feel. As soon as He positioned me onto a chair and then i heard Him pull up another chair opposite i knew He was going to use the needles and i was scared, there still very new to me i was more sensitive and plus i was aware He might go deeper this time. They hurt a little, its not extremely painful at all its more of an intake of breath as they first penetrate into the skin, thankfully much to my relief He decided against using them on my cunt lips as they was really sore, so He can be reasonable when He feels like it.
He then used the violet wand and i like that its a nice pain takes a little while to get used to it but then its great, wax next and i also enjoy this apart from when it goes on my cunt, that makes me squirm and i try to protect myself. The best part without a doubt though is when He removed the needles and lots of blood came out i love that, i find it very erotic seeing the blood drip down around my tits, the worst part however is the mess the bloody wax makes must get a sheet/or plastic to put down for next time i think, finished off with sucking His cock so all in all apart from the blindfold i enjoyed it.
Anyway Saturday morning, i love the Saturday mornings because i like waking up next to Him knowing that we have the whole day and night in front of us, and its nice being able to cuddle up and i get to molest His body thats always a bonus. I love licking His ass and playing with His balls and cock simultaneously, well i pretty much enjoy serving and pleasing Him anyway really when it comes to His sexual needs, and i dont mind if i dont get relief myself but of course His needs come before mine anyway.
Eventually got out of bed, hunger usually does it and we went to a village to track down somewhere to get breakfast although turned out to be lunch as time was getting on, the place was full of old people not that i mind old people and i did find it amusing a bit like elephants that gather at one place to die. In the car was a selection of rods for birching and i cant say i was looking forward to it very much at all, my ass was still sore and i knew it would hurt a lot so i was avoiding the subject of birching altogether.
On arriving back to the chalet, had a coffee relaxed for a while although i was on tenderhooks because i knew He had plans but i didnt know what. He blindfolded me and attached clamps, i hate being blindfolded it makes me feel queasy as i cant see what is happening but most of all i really hate not being able to see Him, when i can see Him even if He is doing something i dont like ie. as with the whipping i still feel reassurred because i can see Him silly but its the only way i can explain how i feel. As soon as He positioned me onto a chair and then i heard Him pull up another chair opposite i knew He was going to use the needles and i was scared, there still very new to me i was more sensitive and plus i was aware He might go deeper this time. They hurt a little, its not extremely painful at all its more of an intake of breath as they first penetrate into the skin, thankfully much to my relief He decided against using them on my cunt lips as they was really sore, so He can be reasonable when He feels like it.
He then used the violet wand and i like that its a nice pain takes a little while to get used to it but then its great, wax next and i also enjoy this apart from when it goes on my cunt, that makes me squirm and i try to protect myself. The best part without a doubt though is when He removed the needles and lots of blood came out i love that, i find it very erotic seeing the blood drip down around my tits, the worst part however is the mess the bloody wax makes must get a sheet/or plastic to put down for next time i think, finished off with sucking His cock so all in all apart from the blindfold i enjoyed it.
Tuesday, 20 November 2007
friday evening
ok where was i, friday evening.......
Before we went out You told me to clear up the contents of all the kit that was strewn all over the floor, which i attempted to object to as i felt it was Your mess that You made not mine, but You threatened me with the butt plug and well thats a definite motivator to get something done. I didnt tidy up to Your satisfaction and to be honest i didnt make an effort to put it away neatly in protest of having to do it in the first place which backfired on me when You used the whip on my tits for not doing it properley, bloody hell not much gets past You does it?
We went to the local pub for some food, nice place and nice people, my ass was really sore from the beating definitley felt it sitting down enough to make me wince but i like that in a way its a reasurring reminder of my status when out and about. On getting back to the chalet we relaxed for a while, i was fretting inwardly that You was going to use the whip some more and worse the damn butt plug, actually im not sure which i hate the most i guess at least with the whip i get some marks to show from it. You asked to see the new nipple clamps and then You put them on the side but i knew it was only a matter of time before they was used and sure enough before long i was on my knees in front of You having them put on. They hurt more than the others but once the pain of them going on subsides there ok, i sucked Your cock and i think im getting better at doing it the way You like and im coping better when Your cock is thrust down my throat, well You know how much i love having Your cock in my mouth. I think we finished off having sex, when You removed the clamps fuck me that hurts im torn between wanting them left on but knowing the longer there on the worse the pain will be eventually, and then we retired to bed.
Before we went out You told me to clear up the contents of all the kit that was strewn all over the floor, which i attempted to object to as i felt it was Your mess that You made not mine, but You threatened me with the butt plug and well thats a definite motivator to get something done. I didnt tidy up to Your satisfaction and to be honest i didnt make an effort to put it away neatly in protest of having to do it in the first place which backfired on me when You used the whip on my tits for not doing it properley, bloody hell not much gets past You does it?
We went to the local pub for some food, nice place and nice people, my ass was really sore from the beating definitley felt it sitting down enough to make me wince but i like that in a way its a reasurring reminder of my status when out and about. On getting back to the chalet we relaxed for a while, i was fretting inwardly that You was going to use the whip some more and worse the damn butt plug, actually im not sure which i hate the most i guess at least with the whip i get some marks to show from it. You asked to see the new nipple clamps and then You put them on the side but i knew it was only a matter of time before they was used and sure enough before long i was on my knees in front of You having them put on. They hurt more than the others but once the pain of them going on subsides there ok, i sucked Your cock and i think im getting better at doing it the way You like and im coping better when Your cock is thrust down my throat, well You know how much i love having Your cock in my mouth. I think we finished off having sex, when You removed the clamps fuck me that hurts im torn between wanting them left on but knowing the longer there on the worse the pain will be eventually, and then we retired to bed.
Monday, 19 November 2007
the weekend. friday evening
Havent posted for a bit, i think its because now i know only You read it, not that this bothers me because ultimatley this blog was started to be just a tool to put down how i feel etc, but since i started it i have become very protective of my blog and i resent the fact that it has had to go private because of someone else, not that it concerns me who used to read it or not. Anyway i will try to get back to posting more regularly, so the weekend have to document this of course.
I wasnt nervous at all just really looking forward to seeing You as always and especially after the last time we met i was just glad to have all Your attention to myself for a weekend with no distractions (yes i know how very selfish of me). The chalet was very nice, roomy and of course more importantly no need to worry about noise, i was a little antsy because i knew my period was due and i dont like being unprepared so was concious of needing to check all the time and i really cant stand the idea of being watched when i go to the toilet.
I didnt get my own way this time in the respect that i didnt get to suck Your cock first, nope pain first this time and i wasnt worried as i naively thought that You wouldnt be too hard initially well not at least until later in the evening but You soon fucking burst that bubble. I know You used some kitchen implements on me (reminder to self not to make suggestions) and one in particular was fucking vicious i think if i recall correctly it was the fish slice that damn thing really hurt a lot, i liked the new cane once i got used to it so its still my favourite and i think i came from the caning im sure i did. I wasnt restrained on the table at this point although i know i was squirming by the time You started using the crop (i think it was that) i was definitley out of my comfort zone at this point.
Well then it was the whip, hate that fucking thing absolutley detest it and when You used it on my back that was the worst i remember dropping at Your feet begging for no more and i really thought You would give in i really didnt want anymore, but no You made me get back up over the table and this time you gagged me and restrained my arms so i couldnt move off. I was definitly scared at this point i just wanted to get away and i was pushing the table accross in an attempt to get away from the lashes not that it made a difference, i was close to tears and i think this was a combination of not just the pain but the fear of not knowing when You would stop and i was starting to panic.
And then You did stop. I cant recall the exact sequence of events my frame of mind wasnt altogether with it at this point but i think im correct in saying that You then fucked my ass, stopping to take me into the bathroom where You pissed on me and then pulling me by my hair and back onto my knees to finish fucking me, which of course i enjoyed this part a lot and it hurt more this time. I remember being humiliated when You told me to go and clean myself up as i stunk of piss, i felt completley used but yes naturally i got off on that, i enjoy being treated as such. So all in all it was a good session, i am disappointed with myself that i didnt handle the whipping as well as i wanted to, i found it really hard to cope with and im certain this may have been because i was close to coming on and my body was really sensitive all over.
ok will finish off tomorrow.
I wasnt nervous at all just really looking forward to seeing You as always and especially after the last time we met i was just glad to have all Your attention to myself for a weekend with no distractions (yes i know how very selfish of me). The chalet was very nice, roomy and of course more importantly no need to worry about noise, i was a little antsy because i knew my period was due and i dont like being unprepared so was concious of needing to check all the time and i really cant stand the idea of being watched when i go to the toilet.
I didnt get my own way this time in the respect that i didnt get to suck Your cock first, nope pain first this time and i wasnt worried as i naively thought that You wouldnt be too hard initially well not at least until later in the evening but You soon fucking burst that bubble. I know You used some kitchen implements on me (reminder to self not to make suggestions) and one in particular was fucking vicious i think if i recall correctly it was the fish slice that damn thing really hurt a lot, i liked the new cane once i got used to it so its still my favourite and i think i came from the caning im sure i did. I wasnt restrained on the table at this point although i know i was squirming by the time You started using the crop (i think it was that) i was definitley out of my comfort zone at this point.
Well then it was the whip, hate that fucking thing absolutley detest it and when You used it on my back that was the worst i remember dropping at Your feet begging for no more and i really thought You would give in i really didnt want anymore, but no You made me get back up over the table and this time you gagged me and restrained my arms so i couldnt move off. I was definitly scared at this point i just wanted to get away and i was pushing the table accross in an attempt to get away from the lashes not that it made a difference, i was close to tears and i think this was a combination of not just the pain but the fear of not knowing when You would stop and i was starting to panic.
And then You did stop. I cant recall the exact sequence of events my frame of mind wasnt altogether with it at this point but i think im correct in saying that You then fucked my ass, stopping to take me into the bathroom where You pissed on me and then pulling me by my hair and back onto my knees to finish fucking me, which of course i enjoyed this part a lot and it hurt more this time. I remember being humiliated when You told me to go and clean myself up as i stunk of piss, i felt completley used but yes naturally i got off on that, i enjoy being treated as such. So all in all it was a good session, i am disappointed with myself that i didnt handle the whipping as well as i wanted to, i found it really hard to cope with and im certain this may have been because i was close to coming on and my body was really sensitive all over.
ok will finish off tomorrow.
Friday, 9 November 2007
pmt ok not stroppy!!
I got bloody pmt, and im irritible and ok i was a little stroppy with You earlier but i did back down but im going to get this off my chest...it pisses me off when You ask if i would like my safeword back its like Your implying that i shouldnt be scared and it is completely goddam irrelevant if im wet as i think its been established that dont take a lot.
Of course im bloody scared in fact in some ways im terrified, i can accept being pushed harder and i know it will be out of my comfort zone but theres being pushed and being pushed over the bloody edge and that fucking scares me, and it has nothing to do with not trusting You at all, You know i do but im naturally on edge the closer the weekend gets and as such i may get a little cranky can you possibly understand that?
there i feel much better now!
Of course im bloody scared in fact in some ways im terrified, i can accept being pushed harder and i know it will be out of my comfort zone but theres being pushed and being pushed over the bloody edge and that fucking scares me, and it has nothing to do with not trusting You at all, You know i do but im naturally on edge the closer the weekend gets and as such i may get a little cranky can you possibly understand that?
there i feel much better now!
Monday, 5 November 2007
an appeal for clemency!!
Spoke with Him today and tried to appeal to His better nature in regards to me masturbating the other day but He wouldnt discuss it only to say that i would be punished but He hasnt decided how yet and it didnt matter that i dont think i deserve to be punished. So i figure that i should state my case here (because i know You will read this Sir)
1. the circumstances of why i masturbated was different (ref previous post)
2. umm ok cant think of anymore at this moment
but surely You can see my point of view and im appealing for clemency because i really dont see that i intentionally disobeyed You and its all very well for You not to want to bring it up but Your not the one in the hot seat so to speak.
there thats all im saying on the matter! but just in case You are determined to punish me please, please not the butt plug...ok now im finished
1. the circumstances of why i masturbated was different (ref previous post)
2. umm ok cant think of anymore at this moment
but surely You can see my point of view and im appealing for clemency because i really dont see that i intentionally disobeyed You and its all very well for You not to want to bring it up but Your not the one in the hot seat so to speak.
there thats all im saying on the matter! but just in case You are determined to punish me please, please not the butt plug...ok now im finished
Friday, 2 November 2007
unsure of my predicment
Im really trying to be level headed as i write this and keep in mind the expectations He has of me as His slave which is important to me and as much as is possible a large part of my everyday life. We do talk about our vanilla lives as well as obviously our own relationship and im happy with that and i do try to always keep in mind that no matter the conversation the bottom line is im His slave and therefore my attitude should reflect that.
Tonight i feel troubled and im trying to see it from His perspective as well as my own, i masturbated without His permission which i am fully aware is not permitted as His slave it is not my right to decide when i have pleasure and i dont have a problem with that, however the circumstances behind why i did is what is troubling me. I had sex with my husband which isnt a regular occurrence but when i do it has become routine that i always finish myself off so i did, im trying to keep things as normal as possible in my vanilla life so i behaved as i would normally but Master doesnt see it that way and it appears very likely i will be punished.
I feel in a predicament im trying to keep things as normal as i can at home in order not to rock the boat, but by doing so i have now displeased Him and im really at a loss as to what to say, i dont think i deserve to be punished but if He is determined i will be nothing i say or do will sway Him and im trying to think this through objectively, i didnt argue with Him or get stroppy and im not annoyed although i did feel like saying to Him "next time i will just say sorry dear but i just have to phone my Master and ask permission" but figured that would definitley get me into trouble.
I think what is making me feel worse is if anything i feel bad enough as it is that i actually feel guilty having sex with my husband because i see my body as being His.
Tonight i feel troubled and im trying to see it from His perspective as well as my own, i masturbated without His permission which i am fully aware is not permitted as His slave it is not my right to decide when i have pleasure and i dont have a problem with that, however the circumstances behind why i did is what is troubling me. I had sex with my husband which isnt a regular occurrence but when i do it has become routine that i always finish myself off so i did, im trying to keep things as normal as possible in my vanilla life so i behaved as i would normally but Master doesnt see it that way and it appears very likely i will be punished.
I feel in a predicament im trying to keep things as normal as i can at home in order not to rock the boat, but by doing so i have now displeased Him and im really at a loss as to what to say, i dont think i deserve to be punished but if He is determined i will be nothing i say or do will sway Him and im trying to think this through objectively, i didnt argue with Him or get stroppy and im not annoyed although i did feel like saying to Him "next time i will just say sorry dear but i just have to phone my Master and ask permission" but figured that would definitley get me into trouble.
I think what is making me feel worse is if anything i feel bad enough as it is that i actually feel guilty having sex with my husband because i see my body as being His.
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