Loop the loop

Goodness me, i really have been suffering from writers block as of late, not that i feel as though i should write something, but the longer i leave it, before one knows it weeks have gone by.  I did get a chuckle at a comment by anon, (no offence anon, but it did strike my sense of humour!)

"how do you put up with all this, being told what to do? too strickt for me"

Well, umm im submissive!

I like being told what to do, not always, dependent on what im being told to do lol, but overall i would choose being told what to do over being given choices every time, so i put up with it because i like the security his dominance gives me.

He is strict, sometimes im inclined to think too much, however, there is no uncertainty, i know that if i disobey or behave in a way that does not please him there will be consequences, there is no second chance and certainly no way that he would 'let it go' or ignore it....which although may come across to some as being too strict.....for me though i like consistency, and his being strict provides me with this, i know where i stand, what his expectations are of me etc.

Is this for everyone? heck no, but then im not the sub for every dominant.

Entitled to what exactly?

I should know better by now, but i do sometimes get this idea in my head that i have entitlements, like expecting acknowledgement for my submission, or more specifically recognition that im generally obedient, that i do try hard etc, and yeah ref last post, that i deserve it.

However Masters attitude is simply...why should i expect acknowledgement/recognition for behaving as a slave should (his expectations of his slave that is), i should be obedient, i should try hard, i should be pleasing, that is what he expects.

Now to be fair, because i dont want to make him out to be completely Mr Mean i do get the "good girl" and other words of support, but i should not expect them, and because he does not (and nor do i) agree with the theory of submission being a gift, why would i seek out acknowledgement for submitting, do i expect him to be grateful that im submissive?, that i submit to him?, that im obedient?  no, i dont, but yeah i do get ants in my pants at times where i feel i have entitlements.

Entitlement.....'the condition of having a right to have, do, or get something'

                     'the feeling or belief that you deserve to be given something'

So i might say "i did what you asked, can i have xyz?" he doesnt like this, its interpreted as im attaching conditions to my submission, obeying with the expectation of something in return.  He also does not like any sentence that starts with or contains a "but its not fair...." that usually gets met with a "and your point is?"  and i now resign myself to not even trying to make my point...because ultimately the point is that...no, it may not be fair, but it is how he has decided it will be and my protestations will change nothing....its just the way it is.

I guess im still learning and trying to be at a place where i submit with grace, to display elegance in my submission, defined by my manner, behavior and speech.

The speech is a hard one.....i really do have a mouth engaging before brain problem!

Didnt get a bloody t-shirt though!....but i damn well deserve one!

or maybe its me reading more into his words

Yes i know i have comments and some questions to get to, im getting there, im just a terrible procrastinator.

Master used to in the earlier years of our relationship have me watch videos, sometimes we would watch them together, videos of  bdsm, and i would find them interesting but also scary, and more often than not considered them not something i would want.

But as time goes by, the scenes in those videos that i once found 'extreme' no longer hold that thought in my head, and there is a sense of 'been there, done that' we have been together a while now and i have experienced a lot of different types of s/m, now my motivation is in pushing the edges of the s/m we do engage in, i could dwell on the thought of how far will i go, but im trying not to, and when i express this concern to him his answer always is "I will take you as far as you want to go and further"

Last week, out of the blue he had me watch a video, and its been a long time so i was intrigued that he had dug this one out, i knew this pretty much meant that it was going to be something he had in his head, so as soon as i could find a spare hour i sat down to watch it.

It was of a woman being whipped on her back, very harshly, initially watching it, it didnt faze me, i can take a hard whipping, but as the scene went on, the whipping went past my comfort zone, not enough to stop me watching it but enough to know that it would be something i could not handle, it was beyond my capabilities.

So i told him what i thought, and this was when he pissed me off, it was his response when i said that i felt it was much more than i could handle...

"shame, I thought it was amazing"

now, me being me, translated this as him thinking...

'This is something I would like to do to you, but clearly your not up to it'..ie not good enough.

Now, my answer to this is that he clearly knows that it would be too much for me otherwise his response would have been very different, if he thought i could handle it, he would just go ahead and do it, because as much as he does push me, and yes push me that bit further out of my comfort zone, he wont push me beyond my capabilities.

But i know his game, he plants seeds in my head, he knows i want to please him, and his reaction, although pissing me off, has had the effect im no doubt sure he was aiming for.

I cant get the scene in that video out of my head, and i want to please him so its making me motivated to want to giving it a go, to see if i can endure it for him, he will want me to ask for it, and going from previous experiences ultimately i will.

But then i go back to being pissed at him again, because actually i think i do damn bloody well, i do try with everything that i have got to meet his needs when it comes to his sadism, in general, he rarely has need to punish me, little discipline from time to time to keep me in check but dammit sometimes it just feels that no matter how much i give he wants that little bit more.

Pause, rewind, start

Thank you http://thebeautyofsubmission.blogspot.co.uk/2014/05/liebster-award-discover-new-blogs.html?zx=d05894df3f3fc69  ava for the Liebster.

Been really busy here, had the lounge completely re-decorated, had family come to stay and the bossman is just so very busy, tired and stressed but hopefully all will settle down work wise for him in a few weeks, my stepdad had a stroke, my mother is in Milan and didnt see fit to come home, that just sums her up! (she goes 3 times a year, so its not like its a one off holiday) thankfully it was only a minor one, but i have been visiting everyday, cooking and cleaning.  My daughter had been hiding mice in her bedroom, 7 of the little critters in a box in the wardrobe, they escaped! tears at the suggestion of putting down mouse traps (i know evil mother that i am) so spent one night prowling around for the escapees, found four!

Anyways the questions


1) do you like to read?

yes, i read a lot, generally have 2 books on the go, one fiction and one non-fiction.

2) what authors do you read?

Quite a lot, i love the classics, the Bronte sisters, Daphne Du Maurier, crime and thrillers, Jonathan Kellerman, Michael Connelly, James Patterson.

3)  What word/s by your Master/Daddy/Sir/Dominant brings flutters to your heart?

yes, you may cum.....ahh alright umm ok, when he holds or touches me and says "I own this"

4)  Favourite colour?

Purple

5)  Favourite television show/movie/book?

at the moment television show is Gray's Anatomy, movie is The Notebook and book is Wuthering Heights, all subject to change at any time!

6)  Make-up or no make-up?

I like the minimal look, light foundation, lip gloss

7)  Favourite piece of lingerie?

ooh i love underwear, and it has to be matching everyday lol, but i do love basques with suspender belt and stockings, i like vintage styles.

8)  Do you enjoy travelling?

yes, havent done much as of late, well not out of the UK that is, possibly off to Monaco next year.

9)  Do you enjoy the sweet delight of women or men alone?

have been with a woman, not my cup of tea (as much as the bossman says otherwise) i simply like willies!....well the bossmans one that is.

10)  What did you want to be when you were a chid?

a vet

11)  Dreams for the future?

umm going to have to think on this one!

Are you true enough?

A common theme, or topic that crops up a fair bit is 'he wont dominate me the way i want', it was reading over at Pygars blog that got me thinking about this (www.akinddom.blogspot.com).

To sum up, a submissive writes that she cant find a true dom, and i quote "but I haven't yet spoke to a true Dominant Person, all the so called 'Dominants' I've had, I've had to teach them how to be dominant"

Which begs the question how is one determining what a true dominant is?

Well duh! we all know that dominants are those that wear leather all the time, can get their dicks up at least 15 times a day and it stays up for hours, ooooh and not forgetting the must have...private helicopter and jet..oh and of course absolutely gorgeous, rich and fit!

oh shit, sorry was reading 50 shades and got carried away.

But in all seriousness, forget the true dominant part, im not a fan of this whole 'true' idea, just as not all submissives are the same nor are dominants, perhaps its simply a lack of compatibility rather than one not being 'true'.   It would be very ironic wouldnt it if this submissive found what she considers to be a 'true' dominant but he doesnt think she is the type of submissive for him!

I wander do single submissives place high expectations on potential dominants and are quick to dismiss those that dont fit in with their 'ideal'?  now i cant sit on my high horse here, when i was looking i did have a criteria of things that i was looking for in a potential dominant.

I wanted an experienced dominant, a sadist, an older man, older the better....hey dont judge me, i like the older man lol

Of course there were other things that were of importance, but those things would be discovered on getting to know the dominant, finding out if we were compatible etc, for example a dominant that was only interested in dominating in the bedroom would not have been for me, but by no means would it make him less of a dominant or not 'real'.

It took months of being in the relationship with the bossman to get the sense of 'yep, this is for me' and im pretty sure the same went for him, we had to get to know one another, vanilla as well as D/s wise.

Does the bossman always dominate me the way i want or would like? heck no, its his way, how he wants it, it is very much on his terms, yes he is open and willing to listen to what i would like etc but if i was to start dictating to him how i want to be dominated....well lets just say it wouldnt go down very well.

Perhaps rather than thinking about how he wont dominate you the way you want, you should be asking yourself are you submitting the way he wants!

and it all comes down to that little ole thing called communication.

Gone full circle i think

Often times i feel like this blog is on one repetitive loop, in fact im so sure i have written a post similar to this before!  and when i feel like this i wander what and why im still here, reading around blogland as of late there seems to be similar thoughts around.

What keeps me here is its good for me to get my thoughts down, whether they be serious, or light hearted, kinky or vanilla, and i would miss the interaction with fellow bloggers, and it keeps the loneliness at bay.

I wouldnt want to change my relationship with the bossman, im happy, but i find it kind of lonely, in the respect that because of the nature of our relationship, how our dynamic works there is that sense of not being able to really be me, like with friends and family, there is that saying of 'a face for indoors and a face for out' and thats how i feel it is.

Im certainly not saying that i would want to be doing kinky things in front of other people, vanilla people, but to feel comfortable letting my submission show, albeit in a subtle way, mouse wrote a piece a week or so ago http://aslavestale.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/i-don-care-what-you-say.html which struck a chord in me.

The bossmans approval is important to me, what he thinks about me, how i behave etc is what matters most, and yet i am conscious of what people may think when i am subservient to him in a public/vanilla setting and it does hold me back in these situations.....i guess i have to admit, i cant stand the idea of people saying behind my back "ooh did you see the way she did everything" or thinking of the bossman "what an arrogant/chauvinistic ass" they may not, its probably just me convinced they do.

I wander because of society being as it is now, if behaving in this way, ie being subservient to him, makes people uncomfortable because its not something that is considered the norm in these times, as my friend says (who knows a little about our dynamic) "he does know its 2014 not 1915, doesnt he?" she says it teasingly but yet there is a hint there i suspect of what she might really be thinking....and im not sure i really would like to know what she really thinks.

And therein, is what makes this lonely, other than fellow bloggers here, i have no one whom i can relate to, or can relate to me, its like if i were to say to this friend "bloody hell its masturbation May, and he wont let me" even jokingly, she would no doubt go into a tirade of......he cant stop you, i wouldnt be having any of that, who does he think he is etc etc.....so even with my closest of friends, there is this huge part of my life, and important part of me, that i keep hidden.

So its lonely.

Found my mojo

A view from the bottom.

Im naked, your fully dressed, i stand in the room of doom waiting, "wrists" and i offer them to you, and i study you as you secure the cuffs, theres that look i love so very much, its a look of determination, as your eyes reach mine i see that glimpse in your eye, that grin, oh i know these looks, they are the looks of someone who is going to enjoy causing pain.

A ball gag is put into my mouth, im not a fan of this gag, its the drooling, i hate the drooling.

You have me raise my arms, and attach the cuffs to the suspension hook, i watch as you crank it up so im on my tippy toes, you walk to the far wall where the whips, floggers and other various 'tools' are, i wander if your deliberating over what to use, or have you already decided but your enjoying my anticipation, knowing in my head im thinking "no, not that one" or "please, please, pick that one", do you enjoy hearing my sigh of frustration as you pick what you know im not keen on? or my "mmmm" as you pick a favourite?

The leather multi tailed whip it is then, thats a mmmmm, i love watching  you as you walk back over to me, there is a hint of a smile on your face, and im grinning back at you, you move behind me, and im waiting, i think you like to keep me waiting, wandering when that first one is coming, no matter how prepared i am, its still a shock when that first one comes.....and when it does, i jerk in my bonds, its a good hurt, you change to the bullwhip, moving slowly around me, im struggling, really struggling now.

You stop, watching as you walk over to the draws, clamps, im pretty sure its going to be clamps and im right, oh, 2 sets, i groan, you chuckle as your hand reaches between my legs, im so very wet, i strain my body against your hand, so close, so very close but you pull it away, a sharp intake of breath as you apply the clamps to my labia, you tug on the chains, tightening them, im trying to pull away now.

Your hands play with my tits, pinching and twisting my nipples before the 2nd set of clamps are put on, you stand back, studying me, i wander what are you thinking right now?  is it whether or not to continue the whipping?, moving me to a different piece of equipment?  i get my answer as you go back to the draw to retrieve some weights, and attach them to the chain from the clamps, first the labia, and you get the first cries of pain from me as you suddenly drop the chain, then repeating to the clamps on my tits, my muffled screams bringing a satisfied look to your face.

You choose a cane and as the cane strikes the front of my thighs, my body writhes and as it does so the chains swing, sending the weights rocking,so many different sensations, im trying to focus on the caning, but the pain from the weights is distracting me from enjoying it as much as i would like.

Blow after blow, stomach, thighs, then moving behind me my ass is next, harder now, just how i like it, rhythmic and i orgasm as you continue until im gone, floating, each strike sending me further and further away into that happy place.

I dont know for how long it went on, its a blur, im still floating when you release me, and put me to my knees, your cock invading my mouth, pushing down my throat, hands gripping my head, holding it firmly when i try to pull away to get air, i contain my panic and adjust, breathing steadily, eager for your release.

Finished, you adjust your clothing, as i kneel there, exhausted, sore, but yet very, very satisfied, "look in the mirror" you say, i dont want, to, i ask to stay where i am, but he insists,  slowly i get up, wincing at the tenderness between my legs, in the mirror i see a body covered in welts, some cuts from the whip and cane that have drawn blood, im thinking to myself what a mess, concern, uncertainty is on my face at what im seeing, he comes up behind me, his hands tracing over the marks "beautiful".

Masturbation May

It is, google says so, and if google says it then it must be right...May is international masturbation month.

yet i suspect that i will not be eligible to take part in this very important celebration, although i feel i should im all for marking important events, i would settle for watching him wank off though.....i will offer him the choice.....coz im kind and considerate like that.

Values on behaviour

On commentating on a blog post, http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/2014/05/scared.html .....in part of my comment i said something along the lines of that if i were to act up/intentionally disobey/ to get his attention/to get s/m, to provoke him into pushing me harder, he would not be pleased, he would consider it topping from the bottom.

Now, it shouldnt need to be said, but to make it clear, i dont think this behaviour is wrong, many enjoy the 'brat' type of dynamic, and i think perhaps if i could get away it with then i could well be inclined to be a brat, to act up to get what i want.

But, my Master is not the type of dominant that will tolerate this sort of behaviour, he values submissive behaviour, what he considers submissive behaviour to be more precise, so any attempts on my part (and there has been) to play him up, to provoke him in order to get a reaction that hopefully would result in a good hard s/m session, disappoints him and all i would achieve is hearing his disappointment.

He expects me to ask, to say if i need his attention, if i want a damn hard beating, im allowed and expected to ask for it and i do, but if my request is denied then im expected to accept that no gracefully (yeah, still working on that part!)

Sometimes its difficult, especially when he is very busy and focused with work, i kind of feel neglected at times and i have to fight the urge to not 'act-up', i dont always win that fight, it wasnt long ago that i confessed on this blog that i hadnt been doing the butt plug twice a day as im meant to, because i was wanting his attention.

Oh. I got his attention alright, but not in a nice way, his disappointment was made very clear, and punishment was inevitable....was it worth it? no, his disapproval of my behaviour especially when i know better was gut wrenching, and i feel that when i dont meet his expectations in this way, then he is forced to lower his expectations of me, and that makes me sad.

He is strict, sometimes i think overly so, i may not always agree with his decisions, or his expectations of me, but its out of respect that i do try to behave accordingly to his values, which for the most part are reasonable.

So on the times i lose the fight, he sees its as being disrespectful, and not the submissive behaviour he values, he expects better from me, and he deserves better.

Who is liebster, i should google, shouldnt i

but i cant be arsed.

Oooh this came at a good time, i have a post half written in drafts, which just isnt coming together at all, so a welcome distraction this is, thankyou  http://mckittenspillowtalk.blogspot.co.uk/ for the nomination.

1. Thank the person who nominated you and post a link to their blog on your blog.

2. Display the award on your blog-- by including it in your post and / or displaying it using a "widget" or "gadget".

3. Answer 11 questions about yourself which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.

4. Provide 11 random facts about yourself.

5. Nominate 5 to 11 blogs you feel deserve this award, who have less than 1000 followers. (Note that you can ask the blog owner this since not all blogs display the widget that lets readers know this information.

6. Create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer.

7. List these rules on your post. Once you have written and published it, you then have to :

8. Inform people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster Award and provide a link for them to your post so they can learn about it (they might not have heard of it!)

so the 11 questions from mc

1)  Whats your favourite colour?

purple

2)  If you could go anywhere in the world for a week's holiday, where and why?

oh there are so many places, but mostly Egypt because i love history and would love to see the pyramids and the tombs, to see for real what i have read a lot about.

3)  What's your favourite book? (if you can pick just one)

 Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte

4)  What's your favourite band? (again, if you can just pick one)

this is more difficult, i have quite a varied musical taste, but at a push it would have to be Queen

5)  What kink do you love, even though it really surprises you that you love it?

probably predictable here lol, but needles, started out as a hard limit, was so sure i would not like them, i feared them...now i love them and one of my favourite kinks

6)  If you were an animal, what would you be?

A tiger, simply because they are my favourite animals

7)  What sex related toy could you just not be without?

remote controlled vibrating eggs, just so much fun for the both of us

8)  What sex related toy would you be quite happy if it fell off the face of the earth?

inflatable butt plug....asses are not designed to be blown up...i just cant convince him of that!

9)  What's the last thing you do at night?

close my eyes...sorry couldnt resist

10)  What's your favourite month of the year, and why?

April, both my babies (well not so much babies now) were born that month, 5 days between them.

11)  What's your favourite snack? (healthy or otherwise)

Being a diabetic, chocolate is a treat for me now, and if i get to Saturday night and my blood sugar has been good all week (ie i have been keeping myself well monitored, which i do tend to neglect) then i get a treat....and i tend to choose Guylian praline sea shells.

ok, 11 random facts about myself

1)  i have a passion for handbags, my most treasured one being a vintage Chanel one which my grandfather bought me for my 21st birthday.

2)  i live near the ocean, cant swim, im terrified of open water, even going on a boat scares me

3)  originally my chosen career was law, i dropped out after about 8 months, opting for child psychology instead

4)  im a bit ocd when it comes to cleaning, better than i was, but i cant go to bed if there is so much as a coffee cup  left out somewhere, i would lie in bed stressing about it, i would be compelled to get up wash, dry and put it away.

5)  i believe that ghosts exist

6)  my favourite film is The Notebook, watched it numerous times and cry every time

7)  i really, really want a pet pig, but not allowed

8)  im terribly scatty and clumsy, if there was needle on the floor, it would come as no surprise if i tripped over it

9)  i dont like texting, when i have to its to the point and as short as possible

10)  love the theatre, seen nearly all of Andrew Lloyd Webber's productions as well as others

11)  i am happier being in my own company than i am in a large crowd of people whether i know them or not


ah, now the part i dont like, nominating, its hard because i figure if your on my blog list, its simply because i like your blog!

so im going to get round this by simply nominating the first 4 that appear on my blog roll at this very moment that as far as i know have not been nominated..and these are

http://subjoolz.blogspot.co.uk/

http://littlepreciosoone.blogspot.co.uk/2014/05/an-email-from-sir.html

http://aslavestale.blogspot.co.uk/2014/05/do-everything-that-in-you.html

http://slavetomasterblog.blogspot.co.uk/

no obligation to take part.

questions

1)  how did you meet your significant other?

2)  best childhood memory?

3)  if you had to live somewhere other than you do now, where would it be?

4)  worst bad habit?

5)  favourite book?

6)  any big ambitions that you have yet to achieve?

7)  name one guilty pleasure?

8)  favourite film?

9)  if you could or wanted to change one thing about your partner, what would it be?

10) what would they want to change about you?