Its my blog and i will moan if i want to

Because i have just started my period and...

he wont have sex with me when im on which i find quite frustrating considering all the stuff we do, he is squicked out by menstural blood..and why is it (please someone tell me in not alone in this) that i tend to feel extra horny when im on!

and he wont even let me cum

and i got a teeny weeny bit stroppy...only a teeny bit and i think..well no i know..he knew if it didnt get knocked on the head the teeny weeny strop would get out of hand and he said "behave" in that tone..you know that tone where you just know its not a good idea to push further...so

i decided to start cleaning at just gone 11pm, its now a quarter past midnight everyone else is asleep and im..im contemplating taking the curtains down and changing them to a summer set..i know! but im wide awake.

and the tv remote has gone missing..do i care? not really but honestly you would think its the end of the world and im getting accused of not taking it seriously! i did offer to hire a private detective if isnt recovered by the end of the week...no-one was amused...serious lack of sense of humour in this house at the moment.

I miss being at work its been crikey nearly 2 months since i have been signed off but im back next week, this whole being at home 24/7 has well and truely lost its novelty...Mary Poppins they are all yours!  bet she finds the tv remote.

and some numpty has eaten my secret stash of chocolate which clearly was not as secretly stashed as i thought.....cos im not allowed much now i have some as a treat so often..but of course everyone denies eating it.

I think i want this one to stay

For over a week now, started last Monday, im to insert a butt plug in for 15 mins a day, i can choose what part of the day as long as i do it...usually when he is at work and doesnt have time to 'interfere'.

I dont like butt plugs, but for some odd reason the last time we went to have anal sex it hurt, and not a nice hurt kind of way, i mean i actually like it when it is uncomfortable, i prefer to have the minimum amount of lube used or none at all, but this was not a 'nice' hurt, it was painful and he stopped because he picked up that it wasnt 'good'.

It might have just been a one off, i dont know, its not happened before, i love anal, prefer it to 'normal' sex, but anyway its been decided that butt plugs daily are now standard routine for the time being.

Start with a reasonable sized one, and the first few days i really struggled with it, but over a week past its gotten that im comfortable moving around whilst its in, im actually liking it which is not something i have felt before....normally i have tried to avoid having them used because i havent liked them.

What i am finding interesting about it is that during those 15 minutes its focusing me on him (once i got past the negative connatations i had with them from previous experiences), not that i dont at any other times but rather it seems to be reinforcing my submission to him, very similar to other rituals we have, so i guess its becoming a ritual in that respect...and i like rituals, they maintain a sense of being grounded.

I think i want to keep this one.

Just keep the wine and chocolates coming

I went girly shopping with a friend on Saturday, normally i avoid it, she is my closest friend but when it comes to shopping she is one who you can leave in a store, come back 2 hours later and she is more than likely still looking at the same outfit! and it drives me nuts.

However i did need some new clothes and so off we went, there is one particular store i love, if only because you get a glass of wine (or coffee) and chocolates whilst your trying bits on....and well you cant knock that combination..wine, chocs and clothes! but aside from that they do nice clothes and shoes...but most of all they do handbags...and i love bags!

So im sitting there in this area waiting for her as she is in a cubicle trying this dress on, a couple of the assistants are tempting me into buying this outfit that im not sure about when my friend calls out "do you fancy getting your vagina bejewelled?, we could have it done together" 

well fair play to the assistants they took in their stride, me i nearly choked on my glass of wine!

Now i have heard of this but other than i think reading about it in passing in a magazine its not something i really have paid much mind to, my immediate response is no, i dont, not that she takes any notice of that (something she has in common with the bossman) and proceeds to natter on about how pretty it would look, all the designs you can get etc etc

Really...well thats all fine and dandy but its not like a pair of new shoes or a new dress is it? its not like your going to say to a friend or a work colleague "do you like my new bejewelled pussy?" and proceed to show it off! no exactly (ok some might!)

Then one of the assistants piped up and said her ex sister in law had it done and said that she found it really sexy and so did her brother...and so now she and my friend (who is still in the cubicle) proceed to have a discussion about sparkly vaginas!

The other assistant is clearly finding this discussion embarrassing and tempts me with another glass of wine and a few more chocolates than i really should have and i end up being talked into (ok didnt take much pursasion) buying a bright red Gucci handbag to go with the dress and shoes i chose for an upcoming family wedding...much safer than sparkly pussys!

Choice

Those of you who have seen the film Secretary might remember there is a scene in it where a woman hisses to the main female lead "submissive" said in a tone as if its a dirty word, my friend on occasion will use this in reference to me, its become her standard joke, not intended to offend and no offence is taken.

But it made me think (yeah i know!) about the perceptions of being submissive, the apparent conflict with feminism and submitting, there are some people i have no doubt (have come across a few) that hold a view that being submissive equates to being weak, unable to think, act for oneself, and perhaps from some feminists point of view a 'let down' for a woman to submit to a man.


I am not weak, i am not 'less than' because of my submission, i have no conflict with feminism and submitting because i chose this and as far as im concerned there is no conflict, i wanted this and im all the more stronger for it because i have a man that respects my choice, he embraces my submission, i am a woman that is free because i chose this, not coerced or forced.






and if we look at what feminism means:
'
Feminism is a collection of movements and ideologies aimed at defining, establishing and defending equal political, economic and social rights for woman.  This includes seeking to establish equal opportunities for woman in education and employment.'

Its about having choice, and having said choices respected, the woman that chooses the career path, and to have no children is no more or less 'valid' than the woman that chooses to be a housewife/mother, so should it not stand to reason that my choice to be in the relationship  i am in, to submit, should be respected as well.

Time out? no thanks

Im terrible for procastinating and i know these questions have been sitting there waiting to be answered....i can just but apologise..im getting to them, although in my defence some of them are going to spam and i rarely check that folder.....plus blogger is back to hating me at the moment as when i logged in this morning im apparentley not following any blogs..again.

His_christa asked

"Do you ever get time off from being a slave, to do what you like?  I mean no disrespect but surely there must be times when you just want time out?"

I think if we look at this in the same light as being parent, the concept is similar...so

Im a mum, i will always be a mother, sometimes im at work, and my children are at school, sometimes they are staying with their father and are not home with me.....however being apart from them doesnt change the fact that i am a mum..im just not 'mothering' at these times.

Does that make sense?

So no i dont get time off, i may not necessarily be 'serving' him directly all the time because of work etc, but his influence, control and dominance surrounds me, i have structures in place eg rules, expectations of how i should behave, i know what he would approve of or not.

Yes there are times when perhaps i really dont feel or want something that he requires of me, although these times dont happen often, but to have 'time out' isnt something i would want, i would find that more distressful than beneficial..i thrive on having structure in place, i like the security that this brings.

But mostly its not in the physical interactions, its how i think....the mindset.

Hope that gives some clarification.

and to add on the end..anon asked

"why do you use obscure titles for your posts?"

I dont always.  Im pretty sure i have been asked this before! anyway the simple answer is that it makes it more difficult for search engines to find my blog and thats how i like it.

I will follow you anywhere

Been editing this for a few days now, been putting off posting it, i should have just left it as it was, but when it comes to journalling s/m im wary as of late, its when im most likely to get the judgemental anonymous comments, but i figured i can just write about some of it not all...besides somethings are just not for sharing!

Now where was i...ahh yes on the cross.

The first few blows of the crop was on my tits, he does love marking them up and as they are bound they bruise much more easily without much effort, its when he starts aiming at the nipples i start moaning, and the damn gag in im drooling, i dont like that.

He moves a large rectangular, standing mirror and positions it opposite me, so i can see myself, see the crop impacting and the marks it leaves, he picks up the clover clamps, taunting "where shall I put these? he moves them to my tits and im shaking my head protesting, i know it will be worse as they are bound and sore  "no?" he states, "your cunt then"

Grabbing my labia he attaches them the initial bite causing me to cry out, "hmm something is missing" he muses, "perhaps some weights on them" and this makes me immediatley start to struggle against my bonds, i dont want them, really dont want them, he chuckles and moves to pick up the crop again.

Using the crop continually, working its way all over my front, no part escaping its attention, and he is telling me to look at myself in the mirror, to see the marks, the cuts on my breasts, the drool dribbling down my chin, and i dont, i look down anywhere but at my reflection, "are you ashamed?" he asks, i nod, i dont want to see myself looking the way i do.

He removes the gag, and i ask for the hood, and he obliges.   Being hooded i find it easier to 'escape', to get to that blissful place where im just floating, it also highlights the other senses, makes me more sensitive to them, and it emphasis my vunerability and that i love.  He also removes the binds from my breasts.

Nothing for a while, and i wander if he is standing there observing me, im waiting for whats next, fear, excitement filling me, and then crack a whip strikes accross my tits, im not handling this too well, its not the bullwhip i think im sure of that, its my nemises the dressage whip...i really hate that thing, lash after lash falls, tits, stomach and thighs getting the attention, and the tears fall inside the hood as the sensations are all too much.

After what seems such a long time he removes the hood, picks up the bullwhip and it strikes following the same pattern as the dressage whip, welts criss-cross my body, and for the first time ever i float...i have never reached sub-space with the whip before, and head back i embrace each lash, i turn my head to him and we have this look between us..fuck i love this man so much..and to see the pleasure im giving him is worth the sufferring.

He takes me down, we move to the sofa, sat at his feet, coming down from the high, i needed that, and im just shocked at myself that i was able to get to that floaty place, im happy now just to rest, enjoying his caresses, we perhaps stay like this for half an hour......

"time to mark your ass up now" as he leads me to the spanking bench.

Falling down

It had been a long time since he has had reason to punish me, last December in fact, sure the odd reprimands since then but otherwise its been all good, up until i had a blow out the other evening.

I refused outright to obey him, he had instructed me to bend over the bend for a caning and i didnt want one, this is unusual because well i love the cane, its my implement of choice, but i had not long had a few strokes and i didnt respond well to them as i normally do.

So i said "no" and i meant it, i was not going to have anymore and i got up, rushed into the bathroom and locked myself in...i suppose it could be seen as quite comical if it wasnt for the fact that he doesnt like disobedience and he sure as hell doesnt like being told no.

He calmly told me to open the door, and initially i wouldnt, i knew what would be waiting for me when i did and i didnt want it, but then in all of this i felt so bad, behaving the way i was and not knowing why i was acting like it, because its not like me.

It wasnt just the actual disobedience, there was more to it than that (which i dont want to go into) im ashamed to admit that my behaviour was awful, how i spoke to him was disrespectful, i behaved like a stroppy teenager not getting what i wanted, how i wanted and the caning was just the straw that broke the camels back...i refused to obey because i was being petulant.

Of course i had to come out the bathroom, and i got to my knees as i unlocked the door, this guilt just washing over me, sorry, sorry over and over, he didnt say much, and thats horrid, we went to bed, it would be discussed and dealt with the following day...and thats not normal...usually its get it out the way and addressed with asap.

I always have to explain to him why im being punished, so there is a very clear understanding of why, and it simply wasnt just about refusing to obey, its understanding why, what triggered it and how i could have handled myself differently...what have i learnt.

He brought out a tawse, which i have had on my ass before, he said that as i had behaved in a childish way i would be punished as children once were, and told me to hold out my hands.  He has never punished me in this manner before..i have never had my palms struck before full stop.

Its horrid!  i got 4 on each palm and they left their mark, after 2 i buckled and was pleading for mercy, but that wasnt happening, without a doubt out of the physical punishments i have ever gotten this was the worst.

Unusually as well, im still beating myself up over it, when generally once its been dealt, its forgiven, move on, but im finding it difficult on this occassion.  Not in anyway because i begrudge the punishment, i deserved it, but rather that i should have known better than to behave the way i did, its pointless dwelling on it, its done, move on.

I think its a combination of after having had such a great weekend, the punishment has sort of tainted that, or rather more accuratly my behaviour has, its like when i do disappoint him in this way it lowers his expectations of me and that hurts more than the punishment itself.

Just pondering on this

Its been on my mind a while now so im just going to put it out there.

Its quite common to hear submissives express 'how can i submit if he isnt dominating' or words to that effect, and in my mind it translates to meaning 'no, you want him to dominate you in the way you think he should, they way you want'.

I wander if its simply that one party is more into it than the other, which happens, and i have been there, and because it couldnt be resolved the relationship broke down, ultimatley i think you cant make someone be something they are not...no matter how much one might want to be that person.

My marriage started breaking down for many reasons but a big impact was i couldnt deny what i wanted/needed any longer, it was unfair to me and to him to carry on pretending that it was going ok, it wasnt, he wasnt a dominant man by nature and it built up a lot of resentment on both our parts because we simply was not compatible, he couldnt change who he was and neither could i.

I think perhaps this is common, more so than people want to talk about openly, it could be said..why didnt i realise this before we got married?  my answer to that is i was 20, some 20 yr olds may be very sure of themselves and what they want/need, i wasnt, perhaps some may judge me but i married him because i had a young son and all i saw was security for him and for me, he could provide that.

Not the best reason to get married.  Im 37 now and think very differently to what i did 10 years ago let alone before that.

Some couples successfully merge ttwd into their lives and are all the more stronger for it, i think what makes it a success is they both want it, their natures, personalities are suited to it, i cant speak from experience so im merely musing if that is the case.

But then there are the couples where one wants it more than the other, perhaps one tries to be what the other needs because they do love each other and they want the relationship to work, but trying to be something your not is hard, its draining..that i do know. 

It brings about a lot of frustration, resentment because needs are not being met, at the time of my marriage i had many a moments of wishing/wanting him to be this dominant man i needed, i wanted the control and i was angry? that he couldnt be this person..if he could then everything would of been ok...but it was an unrealistic expectation.

Does the bossman exert his dominance over me in the ways i think he should or the ways i want? no not always, i found it really difficult at first (still do at times) because i was so sure in my mind of how it should be and his ways havent always 'fitted' with mine. 

But then my submission isnt mine to dictate how it is utilised, its his dominance that defines my submission.

The silence is deafening

The night before, wasnt good, well some of it wasnt, i wasnt good and Master said to me "you are going to suffer terribly tomorrow"

      _____________________________________________________________________________

I was waiting patiently as he was talking to this woman we know, she is a professional domme and has her own male sub, there a nice couple, i was getting a bit impatient waiting for her to leave so i could have his attention....why cant she take the hint and leave.

"take your clothes off" he suddenly directed at me...ummm excuse me! he surely didnt intend for me to strip off in front of her and i was so sure he didnt mean that, and so i didnt, i carried on standing there, waiting for them to finish talking.

"why are you still dressed?" ok so he isnt sounding too pleased now, annoyed that i didnt obey the first time..yeah well im annoyed that he is standing there talking to her and i dont want to take my clothes off in front of her..im really not comfortable with this at all....and i try to potray this message to him using my eyes....surely he can see that im finding this really distressing.

Oh but as i look at him i know he is fully aware of how im feeling and he is enjoying it, "now" he barks, and slowly i strip, feeling completly humiliated (in a way i dont like) and yeah a bit scared because im not sure of his intentions, he has been so evasive of his plans this weekend.

"come here" i move to stand next to him, and he carries on conversing with her, and she is casting glances at me as i stand there naked, and im pleading in my head that he isnt going to let her get her hands on me, thankfully they finish talking and she leaves "have fun" she says smiling...im struggling to keep my emotions in check!...bastard thats all im thinking....what was the purpose of him doing that....im really suspicious of it, but he never gives anything away.

"get on the cross" with my back to the cross he cuffs my arms behind my back behind the cross, my ankles to the base, and inserts a ring gag into my mouth...i hate this gag.  I watch as he selects some clover clamps, the bullwhip and a riding crop, using rope he binds my tits individualy so tight im whimpering and then secures the ends of the rope up near my head on the cross and it pulls on my tits, stretching them....his hand seeks between my legs and he grins as he feels my wetness...let the fun begin.

I am a woman with a plan

Its our planned weekend this weekend coming up, the children are off to stay with my brother which they are looking forward to and the plan on Friday was to spend the afternoon/evening getting battered and fucked...lots.

But he is on a course and it involves really early mornings and late nights, it finishes Friday but he is going to be knackered as he has pre-warned me today, he is not going to be feeling up to much!

Was it considerate and thoughtful asking "your still going to hurt me right?" probably not (oh!), but i did get the reply of "you will get what you deserve!" hmm is this good or bad thats what i want to know, and being the thoughtful and considerate person i am i didnt interrogate him further as to what he meant.

So as a beating is something i enjoy and it is what i consider a 'treat', and i get 'good girl' beatings i could assume that getting what i deserve translates to if im really good then i will get lots of nice pain on the Saturday, or if i moan or complain it could mean i deserve nothing or 'bad' pain.

Coz we have all day and night Saturday, i figure if i pamper him extra nice on the Friday when he gets back, then he will be well rested and relaxed for Saturday....thats the plan...there is that option or...

Ply him with alcohol, (safety police stop reading now) stragically leave implements on the bed (this has worked before) and tempt the sadist out to play, this has a better success rate if i choose something he knows i dont like!....the downside of this is....it could backfire drastically and i bite off more than i can chew...this has also happened before...or he could not be amused at all.

Option one is probably the most sensible option but i think i will judge his mood come Friday evening.

From the cradle to adulthood

In replying to comments on my previous posts and after reflecting on the post in general after discussing it, mostly after discussing it, it made me think about how our upbringing plays such a huge impact on who we are as adults, and sometimes we have to re-learn or re-think what we have been brought up to believe or to see as 'normal'.

I remember when my parents sat my brother and i down to tell us they were getting divorced (my mum was having an affair) i started to cry, i was 8/9, my mother berated me for crying, tears should be shed in private, it was all very stoic, formal, displays of emotions were not tolerated.

My mother was/is very big on being 'responsible' and behaving with dignity, i find this quite amusing now as an adult looking back considering why they were getting divorced.  Image was/is very important, i recall a family wedding we attended and at the reception there was a playpark, my brother and i were not allowed to go and play because we were wearing nice clothes and it wasnt 'appropriate'..i can hear her now "its a wedding, not a childrens play party"

The family dog dying, i wanted to cry but i knew that this wasnt acceptable, its natural my mother would say, she would have no patience for emotional displays and we learnt my brother and i to not aggravate her by crying or getting upset..she couldnt deal with it.....stiff british upper lip mentality! 

Her common tirade even now is people these days are weak, needing therapy for everything, they should pull themselves together, have some fight in them, ambition is key, failure is not acceptable and god help me and my brother if we strayed from her mapped out plan for us.

But we both did, i got pregnant at a young age, the same year i was meant to be starting university, and unmarried as well, that was not in the plan, my brother ended up in hospital whilst at university with a drug overdose....in our own ways we rebelled.

The consequences for us both have been similiar, we both (my brother and i) do not have good relationships with our mother, we are not very good with displays of emotions, having my son helped me, i remember that overwhelming feeling of love and protectiveness from the moment i held him, but i also remember being scared of it..confused.

I very rarely utter the words "i love you" to the bossman, although he knows i do, but i dont 'show' it very often either, im uncomfortable with being overly expressive with how i feel, there is sometimes still a sense of being uneasy with how to deal with emotions.

I have had to slowly, with help, learn to undo what has been indoctrinated into me through my childhood and re-learn and re-think as an adult, its not been easy, i come accross as stoic and i know i can be when im uncomfortable and unsure of how im meant to react....when my gran died whom i was very close to, i was ashamed because i cried, embarrassed that i was being emotional...and i know thats not normal to feel like that...its ok to cry when upset...but i rarely do.

Im better than i was, i have to be, for my children.

As you watch the tears fall

Im not very comfortable with crying, or rather him seeing me cry when he is hurting me in bdsm, i will try to if possible shield my face, of course he loves to see my tears, it turns him on more, it inspires and satisfies him.

However i dont cry that often, im mostly a giggler, he can be giving me a severe caning and i will giggle, it seems to start with a lot of "ouches" then the giggles and then quiet once i hit subspace, the only sound being the cane connecting with my bottom.

I think engaging in bdsm or how it is for us is about enjoyment, for sure there are times that i dont so much, but more often than not its fun, and my laughter isnt seen as disrespectful or pushing his buttons...if he didnt want me laughing he could certainly put a stop to it.

Likewise during bdsm is the only time that i can get away with calling him horrible names..i can be quite vocal when we 'play', he isnt fazed by it, even when im telling him how much i hate him, it just spurs him on and i love it.

I enjoy being tied-up, tormented and taunted, i love being vunerable, completely at his mercy, im really not so great at holding positions and on the times he doesnt restrain me im constantly jumping up or/and moving away, and often at these times he will threaten worse if i dont comply..and i grin..im not sure i want worse but i do want to be tied up.

Bondage is a big favourite of mine, i love being suspended by my wrists to just on my tip toes, it gives him access to every part of me, the whip snakes around my skin, the tip biting in always elicits a whimper.  I dance at every stroke, whether it be whip, cane or flogger and when i can get past the pain i fly, the welts, cuts, blood, my tears are not unwelcome, they are not to be feared, he covets them all.....and its beautiful...its to be embraced this 'dance' between us.