Tuesday 23 April 2013

Own worst enemy

Its been toooooo long since we had any real hard play, i have just been signed off work for 2 weeks because im having trouble getting my blood levels under control and the tablets are making me sick, tired and disorientated...sex is the last thing on my mind.....but what im craving is a really good hard beating...even though im in no fit state mentally and physically to take one at the moment.

But im on a promise, the weekend after i go back to work, we have set aside a weekend all to ourselves (touch wood im going to be more back to 'normal') and he promised me that "there will be blood" and "lots of degrading treatment"....

and those words thrill me, im aching for it, more so at the moment i think because im feeling vunerable because im aware im not in a good state of mind and body..not that he is complaining, its me thats complaining.

But then i have to stop and think, its not all depressing...even though im feeling depressed, there is a lot im thankful for, we, our relationship seems to be going even better, more so i think since i had my conflicts a while back.

Its easy i think sometimes to spend too much time focusing on the negatives and the strengths get overlooked, i have often considered that he is too hard with me at times (in general, not bdsm), he is demanding and exacting in what he wants and expects...and im..well i have realised its me thats been more hard on him and the result of this has just made it more harder for me....being a mouthy sarcastic bitch at times doesnt help much either.

In the years gone, through all the tantrums, refusals to submit, mouthing off, over analysing, reading more into what he says than i should etc..he has been infuriatingly calm, in control and its not fazed him, he has taken it in his stride..his dominance is unwavering....all i have to do it be good and obedient right? because i trust him.

Im thankful for that, even when it does irk me.









13 comments:

  1. Ooh, an entire weekend just for the two of you!
    I hope that it is absolutely lovely.

    And yea, me being a mouthy sarcastic bitch at times doesn't seem to be doing me any favors either...

    Hope you feel better soon.

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    1. Yep hopefull if all goes to plan...its something to look forward to as we dont get them as often as we would like..kids, work general life issues getting in the way lol

      Thanks, im feeling better now im on insulin and its kicked in.

      x

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  2. Tori,

    I hope you recover soon, you have a nice incentive to heal quickly. I am glad Bossman is a calming force for you.

    Be careful heat you wish for? LOL. A weekend of play sounds great. I have five days of play starting Thursday. Yikes.

    Get better soon!

    Hug,
    Joey

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    1. Thanks joey im feeling better than i was so thats progress.

      OOh i am so looking forward to it....its been far too long.

      You must let me know how it goes...5 days yummy lol

      x

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  3. It's good to have something to look forward to when you're not feeling great. Hope it goes according to plan :)

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    1. thanks, i needed something to look forward to, so as long as im fit and able then yay lots of use and abuse lol

      x

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  4. Really hoping you start feeling better soon. Depression really sunk in while being forced to stay home after one had seurgery as well.

    "lots of degrading treatment"....now thats something to look forward too. Focus on that and you'll be good to go. Those types of promises are the best.

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    1. Thanks dancing

      I can if not careful fall into a depressive state, mentally im just finding it all too much to take in, but im getting lots of support and for that im grateful.

      I know right...promises like that is enough to compel me to have to feel better!

      x

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  5. Wishing you a speedy recovery.

    I so understand that craving for a good 'beating' and with lots of degrading treatment? Oh, that's just icing on the cake. If you can manage to feel grateful, regardless of whatever physical state you are in...well that's a wonderful thing.

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    1. Thanks Bleuame

      Its an intense kind of craving isnt it....and it wont be sated until i have got what he promised lol

      x

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  6. I've been told that my biggest problem sometimes is in getting out of my own way. It's probably true... I do hope you get to feeling better, and can stay out of your own way and have the kind of time you want and need with him.

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    1. oh yes i totally get that, and i find its pointless trying to get out of it but i cant understand why i try....i dunno i think perhaps twinges of fear in some circumstances.

      thanks i am feeling better now than i was.

      x

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