Its late and im wide awake, catching up on blogs and in replying to a post mouse made on her blog it got me thinking about my masochism, in particular of pain being addictive.
I was asked a while ago in a comment about if i always knew i liked pain, or did it gradually develop (i apologise without trawling through my comments i cant remember who asked).
Before i got with the bossman i had experienced a little of pain activities, spankings with hand, belt, crop and the cane, i liked it, i liked it a lot, and more than he felt comfortable with, i knew i liked that sort of pain but i certainly wouldnt have considered myself masochistic.....i reserved that for videos i had seen of women sufferring the most brutal whippings/canings and torture..i didnt fancy any of that.
I knew before getting involved with the bossman that he was sadistic (from reading his profile) and i found that exciting, arousing and as we talked through emails/phone etc i realised that i could well be out of my depth...it seemed like every question he asked regarding how i felt about a certain implement or activity my reply was "i dont know" and worse i had never heard of!
I remember clearly the first time we 'scened' (im not a great advertisement for what not to do on first meetings) coz we did 'play' on the first time we met and well im still alive! anyway it was just wow, i think he was looking to get an idea of my pain threshold, i knew s/m was important to him.
In a few hours i experienced more s/m and bondage than i did in the months i was with the previous dominant, he used clamps, floggers, cane and riding crop, bound my tits, tied me to the bed, blindfolded never more than i could handle but enough to leave me wanting more.
And he has pretty much stayed consistent with that pattern especially when its been introducing something new, i always seem to end up wanting more after, its like giving me a taste and whetting my appetite so im hungry to do it again.
Not always though sometimes its just about sufferring for his pleasure, he doesnt want me hungry for more, he wants me desperate for it to stop, he loves tears, begging and seeing me struggle and i cant explain why but afterwards when its over, perhaps days, weeks later i want that again, even though i know at the time i dont like it, i crave how it makes me feel afterwards.
Its that i think thats addictive, the emotions after the s/m, the high, the exhaustion, body sore and tender, its just so much better than sex for me, of course yes sometimes there is the 'drop'.