Own worst enemy

Its been toooooo long since we had any real hard play, i have just been signed off work for 2 weeks because im having trouble getting my blood levels under control and the tablets are making me sick, tired and disorientated...sex is the last thing on my mind.....but what im craving is a really good hard beating...even though im in no fit state mentally and physically to take one at the moment.

But im on a promise, the weekend after i go back to work, we have set aside a weekend all to ourselves (touch wood im going to be more back to 'normal') and he promised me that "there will be blood" and "lots of degrading treatment"....

and those words thrill me, im aching for it, more so at the moment i think because im feeling vunerable because im aware im not in a good state of mind and body..not that he is complaining, its me thats complaining.

But then i have to stop and think, its not all depressing...even though im feeling depressed, there is a lot im thankful for, we, our relationship seems to be going even better, more so i think since i had my conflicts a while back.

Its easy i think sometimes to spend too much time focusing on the negatives and the strengths get overlooked, i have often considered that he is too hard with me at times (in general, not bdsm), he is demanding and exacting in what he wants and expects...and im..well i have realised its me thats been more hard on him and the result of this has just made it more harder for me....being a mouthy sarcastic bitch at times doesnt help much either.

In the years gone, through all the tantrums, refusals to submit, mouthing off, over analysing, reading more into what he says than i should etc..he has been infuriatingly calm, in control and its not fazed him, he has taken it in his stride..his dominance is unwavering....all i have to do it be good and obedient right? because i trust him.

Im thankful for that, even when it does irk me.