The work scenario. I have finally after all this time got confirmation that its over, the mother has come to her senses it appears. The child in question is living with a relative along with a sibling and by all accounts is getting a chance at some sort of normality.
Its been difficult, stressful, i have been monitored at work, our procedures with dealing with vunerable children has been given an overhaul, i feel in one way that i have had to 'prove' myself, that i am fit to do my job and i havent liked it....i know its all been implented to protect us (as staff) and to learn from mistakes.
There was a time, maybe a couple of years ago that i considered working for social services but i wasnt sure i would be able to deal on a full time basis with the emotional impact of handling sensitive situations, now i know i couldnt.
I feel like a weight has been removed from my shoulders, it knocked me back, made me doubt myself and my decisions, i did at one point consider walking away from it all (the job) but i have had great support from fellow staff, parents of the pupils i have worked with and most of all the children, they have given me strength, and they have kept me going.
Wednesday, 28 November 2012
Tuesday, 27 November 2012
And around we go again
I mentioned when answering Liebster award questions that i struggle with my masochism at times, not as much as i used to but i would be a liar if i said i was fully happy and content with my need for pain because im not.
Im scared of how far my need will take me and although i know he will always keep me safe so that doesnt come into question, its more i question my normality, the reasonable part of me knows that its ok and i am who i am but there are these doubts that creep in, that its not right to like what i do....i feel ashamed.
I have blogged many a time about s/m sessions we have had, not all of them, and occassionally the ones i do talk about i 'censor' them because i cant quite get my head around that i enjoyed what was happening.
When we venture into the heavier side of s/m i find i seek the headspace of separating myself from the other 'parts' of who i am, i want to become someone else because then i can attempt to rationalise with myself that in these moments its not me...i know its a crazy train of thought! Lately i have been struggling with my masochism so i know i made a sarcastic post a week or so ago in response to a comment that i havent blogged much about it, but i havent because im struggling to express how i feel at the moment about how i relate to pain if you want the truth.
The bossman puts ideas in my head (plants that damn seed) and i want to be horrified, i might act horrified at his suggestions but we both know im not. There was a recent episode of The Walking Dead (if anyone watches it) where once of the characters was watching a fight between 2 men whilst surrounded by zombies it was in the context of an agreed boxing match with a whole load of spectators, anyway the character watching struggled with the idea that she liked what she was watching yet didnt want to admit that because is it something that should be liked?
Anyway thats what got me thinking, its these thoughts that i have about the 'heavy' s/m we do, i like it, dont like admitting that i like it because well i guess i just havent yet fully accepted my masochism. Mostly its being able to express that i like it the most when i hate it...and i keep coming back to this, i try to explain it not just for others to have an understanding but so i can try to understand myself.
I know im not alone in that there are many people that enjoy s/m to the harder end of the spectrum, the boss man listens to me but he just doesnt get it, he has long since come to terms with his sadism, his need to be cruel to me, he just says "embrace it", "let go" well that doesnt help, sure it would be a damn sight easier if i could and i try.
I know its my 'problem' and sometimes it gets to me more than it does at other times, im having one of these 'bad' times, i want to yell at him that he has made me like this and oh we have been here so many times before im fed up of going around it again myself.
Im scared of how far my need will take me and although i know he will always keep me safe so that doesnt come into question, its more i question my normality, the reasonable part of me knows that its ok and i am who i am but there are these doubts that creep in, that its not right to like what i do....i feel ashamed.
I have blogged many a time about s/m sessions we have had, not all of them, and occassionally the ones i do talk about i 'censor' them because i cant quite get my head around that i enjoyed what was happening.
When we venture into the heavier side of s/m i find i seek the headspace of separating myself from the other 'parts' of who i am, i want to become someone else because then i can attempt to rationalise with myself that in these moments its not me...i know its a crazy train of thought! Lately i have been struggling with my masochism so i know i made a sarcastic post a week or so ago in response to a comment that i havent blogged much about it, but i havent because im struggling to express how i feel at the moment about how i relate to pain if you want the truth.
The bossman puts ideas in my head (plants that damn seed) and i want to be horrified, i might act horrified at his suggestions but we both know im not. There was a recent episode of The Walking Dead (if anyone watches it) where once of the characters was watching a fight between 2 men whilst surrounded by zombies it was in the context of an agreed boxing match with a whole load of spectators, anyway the character watching struggled with the idea that she liked what she was watching yet didnt want to admit that because is it something that should be liked?
Anyway thats what got me thinking, its these thoughts that i have about the 'heavy' s/m we do, i like it, dont like admitting that i like it because well i guess i just havent yet fully accepted my masochism. Mostly its being able to express that i like it the most when i hate it...and i keep coming back to this, i try to explain it not just for others to have an understanding but so i can try to understand myself.
I know im not alone in that there are many people that enjoy s/m to the harder end of the spectrum, the boss man listens to me but he just doesnt get it, he has long since come to terms with his sadism, his need to be cruel to me, he just says "embrace it", "let go" well that doesnt help, sure it would be a damn sight easier if i could and i try.
I know its my 'problem' and sometimes it gets to me more than it does at other times, im having one of these 'bad' times, i want to yell at him that he has made me like this and oh we have been here so many times before im fed up of going around it again myself.
Friday, 23 November 2012
CNC (consensual non-consent)
Renne Rose wrote an interesting article about non consent, and its place in fiction http://www.reneeroseromance.com/2012/11/why-non-consent-is-hot.html?zx=2987ad86964a19aa and its a topic that interests me but more so its place in ttwd.
We practise cnc (consensual non-consent) in our relationship which put simply means that my consent is a given, he does not seek it throughout our relationship, it is clearly understood that i dont deny him any part of me in whatever form this may take.
There are many scenarios in which i consider this 'hot', i like the fact that i dont get a choice in what he wants to do to me or/and what he wants full stop in all aspects, for the sake of argument lets go with the fact that im in a healthy M/s dynamic and he isnt going to expect something which is damaging to me, so it means that there are things i dont really like in that given a choice i would not do them.
Its a big turn on for me to 'have' to endure when i dont feel like and want it and when its happening im hating it and i want it to stop but he wont, i am forced into the position he wants me and not necessarily physical force, he knows what to say to trigger me into obedience and he is always calm, never shouts but its made clear that i will do as im instructed. Its afterwards im buzzing and i find it 'hot' because it demonstrates his control over me, i dont have a 'get-out' and this provides me with the security i need....personally part of my respect for him is because he doesnt back down and if he wants something done...it will be done either the easy or the hard way.
Sometimes its not 'hot', it can be bloody infuriating when im genuinely not wanting do to something or i dont agree with a decision he makes, it might (and usually is) discussed but if he is determined with how he wants something to be then thats how it will be, there is no 'pick n mix' in my submission, i dont get to choose what i will submit to and what i wont, if i find it 'hot' thats great if i dont too bad. This is what works for us, its not the 'ideal' its not how it should be....its us!
Its not always easy, in fact its damn hard at times but im happy, i would not want it any other way...and you know he wants me happy, might do things sometimes that dont make me happy but hey im sure all relationships no matter their 'structure' including vanilla are not always consistently happy....whats more important is overall im happy and the times im not are fleeting.
We practise cnc (consensual non-consent) in our relationship which put simply means that my consent is a given, he does not seek it throughout our relationship, it is clearly understood that i dont deny him any part of me in whatever form this may take.
There are many scenarios in which i consider this 'hot', i like the fact that i dont get a choice in what he wants to do to me or/and what he wants full stop in all aspects, for the sake of argument lets go with the fact that im in a healthy M/s dynamic and he isnt going to expect something which is damaging to me, so it means that there are things i dont really like in that given a choice i would not do them.
Its a big turn on for me to 'have' to endure when i dont feel like and want it and when its happening im hating it and i want it to stop but he wont, i am forced into the position he wants me and not necessarily physical force, he knows what to say to trigger me into obedience and he is always calm, never shouts but its made clear that i will do as im instructed. Its afterwards im buzzing and i find it 'hot' because it demonstrates his control over me, i dont have a 'get-out' and this provides me with the security i need....personally part of my respect for him is because he doesnt back down and if he wants something done...it will be done either the easy or the hard way.
Sometimes its not 'hot', it can be bloody infuriating when im genuinely not wanting do to something or i dont agree with a decision he makes, it might (and usually is) discussed but if he is determined with how he wants something to be then thats how it will be, there is no 'pick n mix' in my submission, i dont get to choose what i will submit to and what i wont, if i find it 'hot' thats great if i dont too bad. This is what works for us, its not the 'ideal' its not how it should be....its us!
Its not always easy, in fact its damn hard at times but im happy, i would not want it any other way...and you know he wants me happy, might do things sometimes that dont make me happy but hey im sure all relationships no matter their 'structure' including vanilla are not always consistently happy....whats more important is overall im happy and the times im not are fleeting.
Wednesday, 21 November 2012
Rulebreaker
So ancilla_ksst nominated me for the bloggy award (but she is naughty and didnt follow the rules! ok so i didnt either)and im going to answer the questions that she set.
1. When did you realise you were kinky, if ever?
i had these urges of wanting to be controlled from mid-teens but i guess thats not a kink, so kink wise came late teens in a first relationship and i wanted to try spanking..it never happened but it didnt leave my head
2. What is your favourite fantasy?
oh gosh, im lucky that the bossman has made a lot of my fantasies come real but there are still some i want to explore, crucifixtion is something i have a fantasy about...so yeah that would be it.
3. What is the one fantasy you wish you could get out of your head, but keeps coming back? (if you have one)
being tied down and gangbanged by lots of men.....in reality this is not something i want because i know i couldnt handle it and he knows it too...so why the bloody hell do i fantasise about it?!
4. Where do you feel most at home?
ok im going to be cheesy and say when ever im with my kids and the bossman
5. What do you want most from the person your with? whether this be partner/dom/sub/slave/Master?
His control/dominance
6. Why do you write a blog?
because i wasnt given a choice! but i got into it, then i took a 3 year break and came back start of this year, i do it because it gives me somewhere to put down these rambles in my head, it can help give me clarity and i love the interaction with others, its a great 'community'
7. What is your favourite tv show?
Criminal Minds
8. Favourite Dessert?
Sticky toffee pudding with lots and lots of fresh cream
9. Favourite time of day?
Night
10. Do you believe in god?/are you a spiritual person?
Im a christian but i have conflicts with my faith
11. What is your favourite sexual position
anal with me on my stomach, hands held/secured behind my back, and head pressed down onto floor/bed..was that tmi lol
1. When did you realise you were kinky, if ever?
i had these urges of wanting to be controlled from mid-teens but i guess thats not a kink, so kink wise came late teens in a first relationship and i wanted to try spanking..it never happened but it didnt leave my head
2. What is your favourite fantasy?
oh gosh, im lucky that the bossman has made a lot of my fantasies come real but there are still some i want to explore, crucifixtion is something i have a fantasy about...so yeah that would be it.
3. What is the one fantasy you wish you could get out of your head, but keeps coming back? (if you have one)
being tied down and gangbanged by lots of men.....in reality this is not something i want because i know i couldnt handle it and he knows it too...so why the bloody hell do i fantasise about it?!
4. Where do you feel most at home?
ok im going to be cheesy and say when ever im with my kids and the bossman
5. What do you want most from the person your with? whether this be partner/dom/sub/slave/Master?
His control/dominance
6. Why do you write a blog?
because i wasnt given a choice! but i got into it, then i took a 3 year break and came back start of this year, i do it because it gives me somewhere to put down these rambles in my head, it can help give me clarity and i love the interaction with others, its a great 'community'
7. What is your favourite tv show?
Criminal Minds
8. Favourite Dessert?
Sticky toffee pudding with lots and lots of fresh cream
9. Favourite time of day?
Night
10. Do you believe in god?/are you a spiritual person?
Im a christian but i have conflicts with my faith
11. What is your favourite sexual position
anal with me on my stomach, hands held/secured behind my back, and head pressed down onto floor/bed..was that tmi lol
Tuesday, 20 November 2012
The Award thingy
Many thanks to Ward and June for the nomination, i do believe its a first for me!
Facts about me: im going to go with 5 vanilla and 6 kink related ones.
1. Im incredibly shy in person and although i natter away on here, face to face im the person in the corner hoping no-one notices me.
2. Im a night owl, and when i can get away with it its when im up cleaning, cooking, and blogging, mornings those who know me just dont talk to me for their own safety.
3. I read a lot, rarely watch tv, prefer the radio.....i am a movie addict though and my dvd collection is well into the hundreds.
4. I cant swim which is incredibly sad considering i live right by the sea, the open sea scares me.
5. Im easy going and laid back, but drink vodka and i turn into a complete bitch so experience has taught me....dont drink it!
6. Im extremely masochistic and this still gives me some bother at times, something im still not completley at ease with.
7. I love being allowed to remove his boots and socks and worship his feet...it gives me that instant feeling of 'this is where i belong'.
8. The cane is my favourite implement and i can take a hard caning, its not unusual for a good session with it for the strokes to go into the hundreds
9. I can orgasm on pain and intense humiliation alone.
10. I dont follow the train of thought that 'submission is a gift'
11. The wooden spoon however is something i will avoid at all costs, damn that thing hurts and not in a way i like.
The questions im answering:
1. What is your favourite pizza topping?
Ham and mushroom
2. What is your favourite eye colour?
Oh well i have never given this any thought so i am now! umm oh blue yes blue
3. Who is your favourite actor/actress?
Liam Neeson so much so that i was pregnant with my son when i went to the cinema to watch Schindlers List and determined if i had a boy that I would name him Liam.
4. What is your favourite song to sing in the shower?
Well i wouldnt exactly call it singing, screeching would be more accurate but i dont have a favourite, just what might be in my head at the time
5. What is your favourite way to connect with your partner?
Ok perhaps might seem boring but lounging in front of the tv, eating take-away and chatting about anything and everything...putting the world to rights usually.
6. Who is your favourite Author?
Love the classics so i will say CharlotteBronte.
7. What is your favourite spanking memory?
Oh um gosh it has to be when the bossman broke my hairbrush whilst spanking me we both ended up laughing when moments before i was wailing my head off.
8. Who do you find inspirational?
Well my gran who died a few years back was a huge influence in my life, an amazing woman that taught me many things.
9. What is your favourite article of clothing?
oh thats an easy one, i have these pjamas that are comfy and perfect for wintry evenings to snuggle on the sofa.
10. If you could meet a famous person living or dead, who would you have dinner with?
Hmm so many but well lets go for Charlie Chaplin
11. If you could have any one wish, what would it be?
For my children to be happy and healthy in their lives.
Now the nominees, oh i hate this because i think everyone who blogs deserves some recognition because we are all putting ourselves out there and letting people in to parts of our lives. Plus i follow a lot of blogs and i enjoy them all.
Im going to go for 3 that i picked at random (yes i know im a rule breaker) DancingBarez, joey and friends and ancilla_ksst.
The questions
1. Where is your dream holiday destination?
2. Whats your favourite food?
3. What one thing would you change about yourself if you could?
4. Name one thing that you love about your partner?
5. Favourite film?
6. Favourite spanking implement?
7. What 3 famous people (dead or alive) would you have to dinner?
8. How old were you when you lost your virginity?
9. What colour is your bedroom decorated in?
10. Do you have any pets?
Ok so i think that about covers it.
Oh rules..yes there are rules...
Well here you go....the small print (ok not so small)
Facts about me: im going to go with 5 vanilla and 6 kink related ones.
1. Im incredibly shy in person and although i natter away on here, face to face im the person in the corner hoping no-one notices me.
2. Im a night owl, and when i can get away with it its when im up cleaning, cooking, and blogging, mornings those who know me just dont talk to me for their own safety.
3. I read a lot, rarely watch tv, prefer the radio.....i am a movie addict though and my dvd collection is well into the hundreds.
4. I cant swim which is incredibly sad considering i live right by the sea, the open sea scares me.
5. Im easy going and laid back, but drink vodka and i turn into a complete bitch so experience has taught me....dont drink it!
6. Im extremely masochistic and this still gives me some bother at times, something im still not completley at ease with.
7. I love being allowed to remove his boots and socks and worship his feet...it gives me that instant feeling of 'this is where i belong'.
8. The cane is my favourite implement and i can take a hard caning, its not unusual for a good session with it for the strokes to go into the hundreds
9. I can orgasm on pain and intense humiliation alone.
10. I dont follow the train of thought that 'submission is a gift'
11. The wooden spoon however is something i will avoid at all costs, damn that thing hurts and not in a way i like.
The questions im answering:
1. What is your favourite pizza topping?
Ham and mushroom
2. What is your favourite eye colour?
Oh well i have never given this any thought so i am now! umm oh blue yes blue
3. Who is your favourite actor/actress?
Liam Neeson so much so that i was pregnant with my son when i went to the cinema to watch Schindlers List and determined if i had a boy that I would name him Liam.
4. What is your favourite song to sing in the shower?
Well i wouldnt exactly call it singing, screeching would be more accurate but i dont have a favourite, just what might be in my head at the time
5. What is your favourite way to connect with your partner?
Ok perhaps might seem boring but lounging in front of the tv, eating take-away and chatting about anything and everything...putting the world to rights usually.
6. Who is your favourite Author?
Love the classics so i will say CharlotteBronte.
7. What is your favourite spanking memory?
Oh um gosh it has to be when the bossman broke my hairbrush whilst spanking me we both ended up laughing when moments before i was wailing my head off.
8. Who do you find inspirational?
Well my gran who died a few years back was a huge influence in my life, an amazing woman that taught me many things.
9. What is your favourite article of clothing?
oh thats an easy one, i have these pjamas that are comfy and perfect for wintry evenings to snuggle on the sofa.
10. If you could meet a famous person living or dead, who would you have dinner with?
Hmm so many but well lets go for Charlie Chaplin
11. If you could have any one wish, what would it be?
For my children to be happy and healthy in their lives.
Now the nominees, oh i hate this because i think everyone who blogs deserves some recognition because we are all putting ourselves out there and letting people in to parts of our lives. Plus i follow a lot of blogs and i enjoy them all.
Im going to go for 3 that i picked at random (yes i know im a rule breaker) DancingBarez, joey and friends and ancilla_ksst.
The questions
1. Where is your dream holiday destination?
2. Whats your favourite food?
3. What one thing would you change about yourself if you could?
4. Name one thing that you love about your partner?
5. Favourite film?
6. Favourite spanking implement?
7. What 3 famous people (dead or alive) would you have to dinner?
8. How old were you when you lost your virginity?
9. What colour is your bedroom decorated in?
10. Do you have any pets?
Ok so i think that about covers it.
Oh rules..yes there are rules...
Well here you go....the small print (ok not so small)
- When one receives the award, one posts 11 random facts about oneself and answers the 11 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
- Pass the award onto 11 other blogs (while making sure one notifies the blogger that one nominated them!)
- One writes up 11 NEW questions directed towards YOUR nominees.
- One is not allowed to nominate the blog who nominated one's own blog!
- One pastes the award picture into one's blog. (You can google the image, there are plenty of them
Sunday, 18 November 2012
Well i got to feel like it
I have it set up on my blog that comments on posts over a week old i moderate, i did this back when i worte the controversial abortion post and just havent got around to altering it. So today i had a complaint on an older post from anon "you dont write about your s and m sessions anymore and I have yet to see a sex post"
Oh im sorry, see i blog what i feel like nattering about not to keep an audience happy, thats not to say i dont enjoy the interaction i do but i have to write like no one else will ever read it because otherwise i worry what people might think if that makes sense and if they like the post great if its not then hey thats fine as well, but just because i feel like it here you go.....
He beat me really hard then fucked me.
Oh im sorry, see i blog what i feel like nattering about not to keep an audience happy, thats not to say i dont enjoy the interaction i do but i have to write like no one else will ever read it because otherwise i worry what people might think if that makes sense and if they like the post great if its not then hey thats fine as well, but just because i feel like it here you go.....
He beat me really hard then fucked me.
Friday, 16 November 2012
Could, should, would.
"I will do anything" sounds great until your confronted with 'anything', i have moments which i liken to 'pillow talk' when i tell him i will do anything for him mostly when im feeling vunerable, this isnt about having limits and holding back from the dominant its about being realistic.
A comment on my last post (about that yucky thing ewww!) asked "what if your Master wanted it" which is unlikely but it does bring about the question of how far would i go to please him? there are 3 words here that come to mind....could, would and should. There was also an interesting observation of "how do you deal with a demand for something that you and your partner have never agreed was a hard limit?"
Pleasing him is important to me and there are occassions i submit to things that i dont enjoy, his pleasure, needs and wants come before mine....but and this is a big BUT would he intentionally ask something of me that i could not cope with on a physical or more importantly an emotional level? something that would be damaging to us?
No. is the short answer. Hence why i believe no-limits is an unrealistic concept, everyone has a breaking point, he doesnt want to break me down, he wants me to grow, to flourish, enforcing something on me that would be damaging...well thats no use to him.
I think when we start out on this journey of ttwd there is a level of uncertaintly to where it will lead, i couldnt have predicted i would be where i am now, i enjoy things i never thought i would, i have experienced things i didnt know about before i started this path. There are more than likely going to be areas where one wants something more than the other and when its the dominant wanting something it is conflicting because as his slave i want to be able to give him everything he wants and desires.
So yeah it comes back around to that good old fashioned talking....and listening....and sometimes (more often than not) its not resolved over night, when he is informed of the reasoning why i have difficulty with something then he can make a decision on whether to pursue the issue or not or just broach it at another time...growth and all that!
The important thing is he knows i want/need to please him and for the most part i am obedient so if a situation was to arrive where i balked at something he asked of me and in a serious way then its not something to be taken lightly. I am all for being pushed, i like being pushed but the dominant needs to know his submissive very well, his/her triggers and to be able to separate fantasy from reality and the reality is yes i have fantasies who doesnt but some i know as much as they may turn me on in my head, if they were to happen it would be far too much that i could cope with.
Just because he is Master doesnt mean he could, should or would, its about taking responsibility and sometimes that means realising and accepting that "i would do anything" has limitiations.
A comment on my last post (about that yucky thing ewww!) asked "what if your Master wanted it" which is unlikely but it does bring about the question of how far would i go to please him? there are 3 words here that come to mind....could, would and should. There was also an interesting observation of "how do you deal with a demand for something that you and your partner have never agreed was a hard limit?"
Pleasing him is important to me and there are occassions i submit to things that i dont enjoy, his pleasure, needs and wants come before mine....but and this is a big BUT would he intentionally ask something of me that i could not cope with on a physical or more importantly an emotional level? something that would be damaging to us?
No. is the short answer. Hence why i believe no-limits is an unrealistic concept, everyone has a breaking point, he doesnt want to break me down, he wants me to grow, to flourish, enforcing something on me that would be damaging...well thats no use to him.
I think when we start out on this journey of ttwd there is a level of uncertaintly to where it will lead, i couldnt have predicted i would be where i am now, i enjoy things i never thought i would, i have experienced things i didnt know about before i started this path. There are more than likely going to be areas where one wants something more than the other and when its the dominant wanting something it is conflicting because as his slave i want to be able to give him everything he wants and desires.
So yeah it comes back around to that good old fashioned talking....and listening....and sometimes (more often than not) its not resolved over night, when he is informed of the reasoning why i have difficulty with something then he can make a decision on whether to pursue the issue or not or just broach it at another time...growth and all that!
The important thing is he knows i want/need to please him and for the most part i am obedient so if a situation was to arrive where i balked at something he asked of me and in a serious way then its not something to be taken lightly. I am all for being pushed, i like being pushed but the dominant needs to know his submissive very well, his/her triggers and to be able to separate fantasy from reality and the reality is yes i have fantasies who doesnt but some i know as much as they may turn me on in my head, if they were to happen it would be far too much that i could cope with.
Just because he is Master doesnt mean he could, should or would, its about taking responsibility and sometimes that means realising and accepting that "i would do anything" has limitiations.
Wednesday, 14 November 2012
Ewww no....just no
So i got spam and for once it wasnt kitchen equipment, but instead a sex blog promising me all sorts of content the usual...anal, 3somes and felching!!! what it this i thought, am i missing something exciting, so i had to google it of course and well im missing something alright but exciting isnt the word i would use....ewwww comes to mind...i have found a new limit.
Now if it is indeed your thing then hey fair play im sure there are things i enjoy that people wouldnt but ewww (sorry but thats just all i have to say on it) i love his cum and im happy to lick it up where it goes, although i do prefer direct from the tap!
Then i was thinking (dangerous i know) well i know the theory and the practice of what goes up must come down in regards to anal sex (i really hope your not eating at this point!) so i know its not always very pleasant especially if you dont prepare ie enemas which we dont....so would i want to lick that from someones ass.....can i just say to clarify....ewwwwww no.
Now if it is indeed your thing then hey fair play im sure there are things i enjoy that people wouldnt but ewww (sorry but thats just all i have to say on it) i love his cum and im happy to lick it up where it goes, although i do prefer direct from the tap!
Then i was thinking (dangerous i know) well i know the theory and the practice of what goes up must come down in regards to anal sex (i really hope your not eating at this point!) so i know its not always very pleasant especially if you dont prepare ie enemas which we dont....so would i want to lick that from someones ass.....can i just say to clarify....ewwwwww no.
Saturday, 10 November 2012
Mentoring, learning and yes late to the party, a twist on loving a lurker
So I missed Love a lurker day, so im going to just go with if your a lurker and you want to say hi, feel free anytime to or not, this is a nice community (and thats how i see it) or if your more comfortable just reading then thats enough as well. So im just going to ramble about mentoring and a different perspective on blogging.
A few months back i was asked by a submissive if i would consider mentoring, i thought about it, discussed it with the bossman who said he wouldnt have a problem if i wanted to do it, but i decided that i didnt think it was something i could do.
I do think mentoring can be a good thing, sometimes i think how nice and helpful it would of been when i first discovered ttwd, to have someone to confide in, talk with that can understand and advise, it can be in the beginning quite a lonely place to be, and scary as well not knowing where to fit in, questioning if your desires are normal etc.
But i dont feel 'qualified' to mentor anyone especially as im still finding my own way along this path of consensual slavery, im still growing and adapting, my views, opinions and thoughts have changed over the years and perhaps will again in the future as i experience more. But then i think how do you judge when someone is 'qualified' to mentor? i dont think you can really but its just how i feel, there are so many answers i want for myself, and im like the eternal 2 year old at times with the never ending questions.
There is also that element of being impartial which i think is important if mentoring, what works for me and the bossman is right for us but not necessarily will be to someone else, im submissive but i have no doubt i would not be a compatible submissive to some dominants and likewise there are some dominants i know i couldnt submit to.
I have made lots of mistakes over the years, some i learnt from quickly and some im still learning, and he picks me up when i stumble, im his slave but im still realising what that means, i was so sure i knew when i first started out but then there are these lightbulb moments that come out of nowhere sometimes and blows everything you imagined it to be out the water....sometimes you have to go through experiences to fully realise and understand...these moments cant be 'taught' by anyone else they have to be lived. But thats growth and thats always a good thing.
That being said im all for listening and learning from other people, and blogging is a great way to do this and i did recommend to this submissive that she perhaps start a blog, or just read some, to see all the different types of dynamics out there. I love reading others blogs and i dont care how experienced or not someone is i read something and it makes me self reflect, question and thats always a positive thing.
No it doesnt compensate for actually experiencing something but thats no different to a lot of lifes situations, when i was 17 and in my first serious relationship i was damn confident that he was the one, i was young and i knew it all.....when i was pregnant with my son i was damn confident it would be a walk in the park..i mean how hard can it be looking after a baby, as i trained for my job i was confident that i was prepared and ready to face a classroom of children, when i got in my first D/s relationship i put him on a pedestal and he was god to me.
Then you start experiencing and learning and everything you thought you were so damn sure about is questioned, its ok to make mistakes, its ok to stand up and say "this is not what i thought it would be like" and ttwd is like this, but this is positive, its growing....i admit when i first got with the bossman and went down the route of enslavement i knew it all....i did too..i have blog posts to prove it..so there! <<<
Yea ok so now 6 years later im putting my hand up, i have had to learn from my mistakes, to experience to realise this now, i couldnt have been told. Having my own blog is a great way to look back (ok old posts i cringe at) but it charts my growth from complete naivety, making mistakes, changing opinions, temper tantrums, the highs and the lows, laughter, tears, frustration.....and knowing that this is all ok.
A few months back i was asked by a submissive if i would consider mentoring, i thought about it, discussed it with the bossman who said he wouldnt have a problem if i wanted to do it, but i decided that i didnt think it was something i could do.
I do think mentoring can be a good thing, sometimes i think how nice and helpful it would of been when i first discovered ttwd, to have someone to confide in, talk with that can understand and advise, it can be in the beginning quite a lonely place to be, and scary as well not knowing where to fit in, questioning if your desires are normal etc.
But i dont feel 'qualified' to mentor anyone especially as im still finding my own way along this path of consensual slavery, im still growing and adapting, my views, opinions and thoughts have changed over the years and perhaps will again in the future as i experience more. But then i think how do you judge when someone is 'qualified' to mentor? i dont think you can really but its just how i feel, there are so many answers i want for myself, and im like the eternal 2 year old at times with the never ending questions.
There is also that element of being impartial which i think is important if mentoring, what works for me and the bossman is right for us but not necessarily will be to someone else, im submissive but i have no doubt i would not be a compatible submissive to some dominants and likewise there are some dominants i know i couldnt submit to.
I have made lots of mistakes over the years, some i learnt from quickly and some im still learning, and he picks me up when i stumble, im his slave but im still realising what that means, i was so sure i knew when i first started out but then there are these lightbulb moments that come out of nowhere sometimes and blows everything you imagined it to be out the water....sometimes you have to go through experiences to fully realise and understand...these moments cant be 'taught' by anyone else they have to be lived. But thats growth and thats always a good thing.
That being said im all for listening and learning from other people, and blogging is a great way to do this and i did recommend to this submissive that she perhaps start a blog, or just read some, to see all the different types of dynamics out there. I love reading others blogs and i dont care how experienced or not someone is i read something and it makes me self reflect, question and thats always a positive thing.
No it doesnt compensate for actually experiencing something but thats no different to a lot of lifes situations, when i was 17 and in my first serious relationship i was damn confident that he was the one, i was young and i knew it all.....when i was pregnant with my son i was damn confident it would be a walk in the park..i mean how hard can it be looking after a baby, as i trained for my job i was confident that i was prepared and ready to face a classroom of children, when i got in my first D/s relationship i put him on a pedestal and he was god to me.
Then you start experiencing and learning and everything you thought you were so damn sure about is questioned, its ok to make mistakes, its ok to stand up and say "this is not what i thought it would be like" and ttwd is like this, but this is positive, its growing....i admit when i first got with the bossman and went down the route of enslavement i knew it all....i did too..i have blog posts to prove it..so there! <<<
Yea ok so now 6 years later im putting my hand up, i have had to learn from my mistakes, to experience to realise this now, i couldnt have been told. Having my own blog is a great way to look back (ok old posts i cringe at) but it charts my growth from complete naivety, making mistakes, changing opinions, temper tantrums, the highs and the lows, laughter, tears, frustration.....and knowing that this is all ok.
Thursday, 8 November 2012
Laughter is the best medicine
I said to the bossman today "you know regular orgasms increase brain activity" to which he replied "do a crossword"!!!!!! ok so thats not exactly the response i was looking for although i did laugh. What i do appreciate is that he does have a wicked sense of humour and i think its important to be able to have a laugh with each other, i respect him completley but its good to know i can poke fun at him without it being taken so seriously and vice versa.
We was out in the car and talking about his work, his colleagues and he has a good relationship with most of them, some of them talk to him about problems etc and he was saying how they appreciate his considerate, kind and thoughtful nature...well that just set me off. It started with just a giggle and he was sitting there driving being so serious that the giggles went into uncontrollable laughter..you know when you start laughing so much you cant stop and it actually makes your belly hurt..well i was there, sitting beside him laughing my head off with tears rolling down my face.
It was made worse by the fact that he was just sat there straightfaced, glancing at me as though thinking to himself "whats so bloody funny!" and his serious reply of "well I am" but i couldnt say anything because i just could not stop laughing. The thing is of course i see a side to him no-one else does and naturally he isnt going to be with others like he is with me at times, and he is a nice man in general but considerate and thoughtful are definitley not words i would use to describe him in general.
Im not saying he is incapable of being considerate and thoughtful but he does speak his mind regardless of whether it causes offence, tact is not something he has grasped the concept of. He is very outspoken in his opinions and can be quite cutting if someone rubs him up the wrong way, he in general is a dominant natured man in all aspects of life and can be quite intimidating.....its thinking of this that gave me the fit of giggles.....but then it seems its the women he works with that he has good relationships with and that doesnt surprise me his is a flirt.....no perhaps more accuratley he can put on the charm when he needs to.
We was out in the car and talking about his work, his colleagues and he has a good relationship with most of them, some of them talk to him about problems etc and he was saying how they appreciate his considerate, kind and thoughtful nature...well that just set me off. It started with just a giggle and he was sitting there driving being so serious that the giggles went into uncontrollable laughter..you know when you start laughing so much you cant stop and it actually makes your belly hurt..well i was there, sitting beside him laughing my head off with tears rolling down my face.
It was made worse by the fact that he was just sat there straightfaced, glancing at me as though thinking to himself "whats so bloody funny!" and his serious reply of "well I am" but i couldnt say anything because i just could not stop laughing. The thing is of course i see a side to him no-one else does and naturally he isnt going to be with others like he is with me at times, and he is a nice man in general but considerate and thoughtful are definitley not words i would use to describe him in general.
Im not saying he is incapable of being considerate and thoughtful but he does speak his mind regardless of whether it causes offence, tact is not something he has grasped the concept of. He is very outspoken in his opinions and can be quite cutting if someone rubs him up the wrong way, he in general is a dominant natured man in all aspects of life and can be quite intimidating.....its thinking of this that gave me the fit of giggles.....but then it seems its the women he works with that he has good relationships with and that doesnt surprise me his is a flirt.....no perhaps more accuratley he can put on the charm when he needs to.
Tuesday, 6 November 2012
This was not what i signed up for!
In the last year the bossman has been more restrictive when allowing me to climax, im having longer periods of orgasm denial, the last 'stretch' was 4 weeks being denied relief. I have never been allowed to orgasm, masturbate or touch myself inappropriately without his permission, the only exceptions being during s/m, its been drilled into me that my body is his, he chooses when i get pleasure or pain, if he wants me pierced or tattooed any type of body modification really.
He has up until this past year been fairly generous with allowing me to orgasm and masturbate on the occassions i have asked, sometimes i would get denied but more often than not he would allow it. So when the realisation sunk in (and its still sinking in) that he isnt allowing me to as much..well..its been difficult, its a change that i hadnt anticipated and dont like for obvious reasons ie i like having orgasms!
He likes me wanting he says, keeping me on the edge, desperate and full of need and only he can satisfy my need and im having that battle of 'the more im denied, the more i want it, much more than i would normally' and he is loving that im tormented. The advantage is when he does give me release its so much stronger than it would normally be, it is better, im more pliable and open to 'suggestions' because im in the frame of mind that im so desperate that i will offer him things i wouldnt normally choose to do, things i generally only do because i have to when he insists.
But really im not liking it....what next complete chastity!! hmm deny me of his cock and we are going to be having huge problems...i dont think he would do that...well im pretty sure he wouldnt, not on a long term basis anyway but i know he can obstain from sex for a long time so im not prepared to be cocky about it and put it to him that he wouldnt......been there done that and learnt the hard way not to tell him what he would and would not do!
He has up until this past year been fairly generous with allowing me to orgasm and masturbate on the occassions i have asked, sometimes i would get denied but more often than not he would allow it. So when the realisation sunk in (and its still sinking in) that he isnt allowing me to as much..well..its been difficult, its a change that i hadnt anticipated and dont like for obvious reasons ie i like having orgasms!
He likes me wanting he says, keeping me on the edge, desperate and full of need and only he can satisfy my need and im having that battle of 'the more im denied, the more i want it, much more than i would normally' and he is loving that im tormented. The advantage is when he does give me release its so much stronger than it would normally be, it is better, im more pliable and open to 'suggestions' because im in the frame of mind that im so desperate that i will offer him things i wouldnt normally choose to do, things i generally only do because i have to when he insists.
But really im not liking it....what next complete chastity!! hmm deny me of his cock and we are going to be having huge problems...i dont think he would do that...well im pretty sure he wouldnt, not on a long term basis anyway but i know he can obstain from sex for a long time so im not prepared to be cocky about it and put it to him that he wouldnt......been there done that and learnt the hard way not to tell him what he would and would not do!
Saturday, 3 November 2012
Emotional monogamy
I have not had a problem with the bossman enjoying other women sexually, albeit it has only been oral sex and likewise when i have sexually 'served' other men and women its been limited to oral, we have had some great times, i love watching him with other women. Playing with others is not something we have engaged in for a couple of years but its not been ruled out, should it be something he wishes to pursue again.
I will admit that on these occassions i have struggled with submitting to others, i see my submission as being his only but as he pointed out in response...as my submission is his, as everything i am is his then he will decide how, when and whom i submit to, so i kind of lost that argument. But anyway when its limited to physical interaction its not so bad and on the times i have submitted to another (always under his supervision) i have focused in my head that its just my body they are using and only at the will of the person who owns me, but only the bossman has my complete surrender.
We have never considered poly, i know i wouldnt be cut out for it, and he has no interest in it, it wouldnt be the element of having to share him physically with someone else that would bother me but it would be the emotional impacts. Im possessive of his dominance, i would not want to share it with anyone else, the bond that is nutured between a dominant and his submissive involves opening up to each other, exploring each others desires etc and this is a closeness that i covet, i know things about him and vice versa that are private, just between us and i wont share that.
I guess being honest i would be jealous of someone else having this bond with him, i know its possible to have successful poly relationships, we have met subs and doms in poly dynamics and they are all very happy, but i do think you have to be cut out for it and im not, i couldnt share him and our relationship with anyone else.
The kink and sex is all very well, that i can share, i have done (albeit in 'scenes') but its all the rest...the important pieces of a relationship..dare i say it the vanilla aspects which i just couldnt, im very much his, he owns me but damn if this makes me unsubmissive so be it but he is mine.
I will admit that on these occassions i have struggled with submitting to others, i see my submission as being his only but as he pointed out in response...as my submission is his, as everything i am is his then he will decide how, when and whom i submit to, so i kind of lost that argument. But anyway when its limited to physical interaction its not so bad and on the times i have submitted to another (always under his supervision) i have focused in my head that its just my body they are using and only at the will of the person who owns me, but only the bossman has my complete surrender.
We have never considered poly, i know i wouldnt be cut out for it, and he has no interest in it, it wouldnt be the element of having to share him physically with someone else that would bother me but it would be the emotional impacts. Im possessive of his dominance, i would not want to share it with anyone else, the bond that is nutured between a dominant and his submissive involves opening up to each other, exploring each others desires etc and this is a closeness that i covet, i know things about him and vice versa that are private, just between us and i wont share that.
I guess being honest i would be jealous of someone else having this bond with him, i know its possible to have successful poly relationships, we have met subs and doms in poly dynamics and they are all very happy, but i do think you have to be cut out for it and im not, i couldnt share him and our relationship with anyone else.
The kink and sex is all very well, that i can share, i have done (albeit in 'scenes') but its all the rest...the important pieces of a relationship..dare i say it the vanilla aspects which i just couldnt, im very much his, he owns me but damn if this makes me unsubmissive so be it but he is mine.
Friday, 2 November 2012
Escaping into bondage
Sometimes i want to escape (dont we all!) from the reality of everything that is going on, and i can get this blissful nirvana through being put in bondage, the more restrictive the better, its not about the s/m although i tend to seek that out when i am bound but its more about giving into 'letting go', to just let all the problems, all the stresses of everyday life blur into the background.
Initially my thoughts go into overdrive and it takes a while to settle down, the longer i fight (mentally) about being in bondage and being unable to move the longer it takes, but eventually there comes acceptance and what i can only describe as a sense of peace and nothing matters, my 'world' consists only of 'being'.....its centered around him.
Its similar i think to subspace but with no pain involved, im vunerable which i love because im in a state of mind that makes me easier to manipulate, no inhibitions, just acceptance that im dependent on him most especially if he incoporates breath play into it, and he is responsible for denying or giving me air....of course on a selfish note the orgasms achieved when having my breathing controlled are just amazing, it is however something not to be taken lightly, erotic asphyxiation is one of the ultimate highs for me but we are aware of the risks.
With bondage one of the most important elements is comfort, the wrist and ankle cuffs being secure enough to keep me attached to where he wants me but not too tight they are causing discomfort and putting strain on me, he wants me focused on whats going on, not niggles caused by the cuffs, leather is my preference, the classic steel ones are not versitile enough in my opinion and sure as hell are not comfortable.
I love bondage because i am at his mercy, even though i obey him without needing to be restrained, bondage heightens the senses, its more intense and practically it keeps me still when he needs me to be. Its incredibly erotic, i love being fucked when im bound, being tormented and teased and not being able to touch him, being kept on the edge until he chooses to give me release or not.
But sometimes its just about needing to escape.
Initially my thoughts go into overdrive and it takes a while to settle down, the longer i fight (mentally) about being in bondage and being unable to move the longer it takes, but eventually there comes acceptance and what i can only describe as a sense of peace and nothing matters, my 'world' consists only of 'being'.....its centered around him.
Its similar i think to subspace but with no pain involved, im vunerable which i love because im in a state of mind that makes me easier to manipulate, no inhibitions, just acceptance that im dependent on him most especially if he incoporates breath play into it, and he is responsible for denying or giving me air....of course on a selfish note the orgasms achieved when having my breathing controlled are just amazing, it is however something not to be taken lightly, erotic asphyxiation is one of the ultimate highs for me but we are aware of the risks.
With bondage one of the most important elements is comfort, the wrist and ankle cuffs being secure enough to keep me attached to where he wants me but not too tight they are causing discomfort and putting strain on me, he wants me focused on whats going on, not niggles caused by the cuffs, leather is my preference, the classic steel ones are not versitile enough in my opinion and sure as hell are not comfortable.
I love bondage because i am at his mercy, even though i obey him without needing to be restrained, bondage heightens the senses, its more intense and practically it keeps me still when he needs me to be. Its incredibly erotic, i love being fucked when im bound, being tormented and teased and not being able to touch him, being kept on the edge until he chooses to give me release or not.
But sometimes its just about needing to escape.
Thursday, 1 November 2012
Blast from the past
I very rarely look at my stats but i cant sleep so poured a glass of wine and just browsing really, anyway an old post of mine has been dragged up from years ago as recently viewed and it struck me how odd that it was written 5 years ago on this date (well yesterday now as its gone midnight).
The bossman will very rarely post on the blog which suits me just fine, and on this particular post he responded to with a written tongue lashing after me throwing a written tantrum.
"Of course you can express an opinion. I want you to.
You were punished because, having chosen to be a SLAVE, you gave up all rights, within our agreed limits, to decide what you will and will not do.
No-one forced you to take this path. You chose it. You also chose me as the person to give your body to. You may think what you wish, politely express your opinions/desires/preferences etc. but should you use your body, your mouth, to tell me what you will and won't do then yes, you will be punished.
Every time I ask, you confirm to me this is what you want. You are a strong-willed woman and part of you, I think, still rebels against such servitude. Telling your master "you can go by yourself then" was rude, disrespectful and not words a slave should ever utter.
I hope you understand.
I love you.
Your Master"
Reading this now after all this time, its sort of upset me really because im still a mouthy bitch at times and speak without thinking, and its not that he doesnt want me speaking my mind but to do so respectfully...and when im on a roll (in a temper) i dont stop to think im full steam ahead. I do still get punished when these moments occur and in my defence they dont happen as much as they did in the beginning....so thats progress right?
It was just such a difficult adjustment then, and its still not easy now at times, reading this has got me perusing my old posts and oh fuck some im ashamed of as in...i cant believe i thought that! or the way i have behaved, im not an easy person at times i know that, sometimes i wander how he has put up with me as long as he has, and sometimes like now im just thankful that he has been patient with me when i have needed it but firm and absolute in his expectations of me as well.
Im proud to be his slave and i want him to know that.
The bossman will very rarely post on the blog which suits me just fine, and on this particular post he responded to with a written tongue lashing after me throwing a written tantrum.
"Of course you can express an opinion. I want you to.
You were punished because, having chosen to be a SLAVE, you gave up all rights, within our agreed limits, to decide what you will and will not do.
No-one forced you to take this path. You chose it. You also chose me as the person to give your body to. You may think what you wish, politely express your opinions/desires/preferences etc. but should you use your body, your mouth, to tell me what you will and won't do then yes, you will be punished.
Every time I ask, you confirm to me this is what you want. You are a strong-willed woman and part of you, I think, still rebels against such servitude. Telling your master "you can go by yourself then" was rude, disrespectful and not words a slave should ever utter.
I hope you understand.
I love you.
Your Master"
Reading this now after all this time, its sort of upset me really because im still a mouthy bitch at times and speak without thinking, and its not that he doesnt want me speaking my mind but to do so respectfully...and when im on a roll (in a temper) i dont stop to think im full steam ahead. I do still get punished when these moments occur and in my defence they dont happen as much as they did in the beginning....so thats progress right?
It was just such a difficult adjustment then, and its still not easy now at times, reading this has got me perusing my old posts and oh fuck some im ashamed of as in...i cant believe i thought that! or the way i have behaved, im not an easy person at times i know that, sometimes i wander how he has put up with me as long as he has, and sometimes like now im just thankful that he has been patient with me when i have needed it but firm and absolute in his expectations of me as well.
Im proud to be his slave and i want him to know that.
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