warning...its a long one
Im going through a stage of questioning why i am like i am and analyzing everything about our relationship and the activities we engage in. He says He went through similar years ago but has now accepted He is who He is, and i know that there are probably no answers and i have no doubt in a few days i will get over it. Its not about having doubts, im happy and secure, i love Him very much and i know that He loves me, its more me needing an explanation of what makes me enjoy what i do and i suppose fear as well, fear of what im becoming or maybe what i already am.
Why do i like being beaten?, why is it that sometimes when He is cruel to me, i crave more?, why will i do things i really dislike to please Him?, all these why's keep going through my head, tormenting me and i dont have any answers. Ok im submissive but why to Him? its not like i am in other parts of my life, passive to a certain extent but im certainly not a walk over, maybe its because of His nature and i respond to the fact that He is dominant but then if that was the case surely it would apply to all dominant people, and thats not the case, if anything i begrudge being submissive to others.
Im also wandering why i dont cry when He hurts me sometimes, the closest i have come from crying from physical pain is when He used the whip on my back but that was ages ago. I have cried when i have been disobedient and He has verbally expressed His displeasure, most notably when i spoke to Him really badly recently and i was punished so i tend to think its connected to my frame of mind, if i sense He is disappointed in me i get upset even though some of those times its my own fault.
What i do know is that in many ways i have it good as a slave compared to some, and i think at times i have a tendency to take this for granted, i read an intresting article about "false entiltilement" which occurs when a slave begins to see "things" or situations as her "right" an example could be expressing an opinion or using the toilet, are these "rights" or are they privilages? He does allow me to express myself, i have this blog for example and i am quite verbal at times especially if i have a strong opinion about something, the only restriction is when i do give an opinion it should be given in a respectful manner. I know that at times im not as respectful as i should be, sometimes He will pick up on this and other times not, but He could should He want to take away my "right" to an opinion because it could be said that as a slave my opinion is not important, its a privilage and as such can be removed. As for going to the toilet im meant to ask permission (when we are together) if i wish to go, i very rarely do unless reminded and have taken it for granted that He would never refuse, so again this is not a "right" that i am entitled too.
The point im getting to is i think im at a point where i need Him to be harder and i dont mean just as in beating me harder although thats a definite, but more of not letting things slip, not allowing me a "get out" like with the punishment i had due previously, i got out of it. My problem is i cant actually say it to Him, i can write it down and i did text Him saying i wanted Him to be harder on me but to actually say it i cant, because then there is no going back and when He is harder i know many aspects of it i may not like even though its what i think i need in order to be a better slave. I expect Him to read my mind and intrepret what i want and need which of course is unreasonable so then i realise how can i be a good slave when i keep things from Him, i dont mean lying, but more when i know i have behaved as i shouldnt i should ask to be disciplined instead of counting on Him overlooking it, it is then His choice and not mine to make on whether He will or not.
So really its not just about Him being harder on me its about me re-evaluating how i behave, i know i have a tendency of relying on Him forgetting when i have been told off and am due a punishment, and i have even become quite cocky about it. This is not good and im going to make an effort to put that right because if im held responisble for remembering what He has said then it stands to reason that my behaviour should improve because i figure if i have to remind Him i have a punishment due im going to be more wary of how i behave wheras as now im complacent and bank on getting out of it. Plus having to remind Him if He has forgotten i wouldnt like as i find it hard to ask for things i dont like, so asking to be punished would be bloody hell for me.
Thursday, 30 October 2008
Saturday, 25 October 2008
difference perspectives
I have been chatting to a couple on and off for a while now and i cant take to them, of course this bears no difference on whether we meet with them or not and i suppose its only a matter of time that we meet people im not struck on. Its just from chatting to them it appears we have very different outlooks, i think i pissed the man off because i wouldnt address him as sir or master and until told otherwise i wont, the way i see it is i have one (Master that is) and its not a term i care to use for any tom dick or harry that proclaim themselves to be dominant. If im honest even when im told to i wont like it, to me it diminishes what it means and what it represents.
Then there is this whole issue of being the "perfect slave" which does not exist, what does exist is being the best slave that you can be for your Master/Mistress which of course means ones expectations may differ from the next, and im certainly not that yet, i try hard but im a long way off from meeting His expectations. The women seems to have an ideal of how the "perfect" slave should behave which is fine as i have said time and time again the term slave means different to different people. What i find infuriating is the need to be competitive or in her words "to see who is the better slave" for fucks sake its like being back at school again, so how exactly is that proved........... by who can take the most cane strokes, the most needles etc? Or maybe its who behaves more appropriately because this another thing that i dont get about them, they seem to have this obsession with "punishment", which is something else i dont get.
To me punishment is given to correct unwanted behaviour, and generally something i wont like, usually im not punished for failing an activity as long as i try my best......of course this depends on the circumstances. When i spoke to the man he made a point of saying he would make sure i did fail just to have the excuse to punish me, well me being me couldnt let that go by without responding. I replied saying that would unlikey happen as im not punished as long as i try my best and its my Masters call to say whether i have tried or not, and that i couldnt see Him letting someone else punish me when they have purposefully set me up to fail, he just said "we will see about that". He is very arrogant and that does nothing for me, very up himself i have the impression he thinks he is gods gift to women, which come to think of about it that reminds me of his sub saying that she wouldnt "play" with anyone she didnt find attractive...........Hmm for someone that says she has the soul of a slave......i think she needs to re-set her way of thinking as it generally dont work like that.
Then there is this whole issue of being the "perfect slave" which does not exist, what does exist is being the best slave that you can be for your Master/Mistress which of course means ones expectations may differ from the next, and im certainly not that yet, i try hard but im a long way off from meeting His expectations. The women seems to have an ideal of how the "perfect" slave should behave which is fine as i have said time and time again the term slave means different to different people. What i find infuriating is the need to be competitive or in her words "to see who is the better slave" for fucks sake its like being back at school again, so how exactly is that proved........... by who can take the most cane strokes, the most needles etc? Or maybe its who behaves more appropriately because this another thing that i dont get about them, they seem to have this obsession with "punishment", which is something else i dont get.
To me punishment is given to correct unwanted behaviour, and generally something i wont like, usually im not punished for failing an activity as long as i try my best......of course this depends on the circumstances. When i spoke to the man he made a point of saying he would make sure i did fail just to have the excuse to punish me, well me being me couldnt let that go by without responding. I replied saying that would unlikey happen as im not punished as long as i try my best and its my Masters call to say whether i have tried or not, and that i couldnt see Him letting someone else punish me when they have purposefully set me up to fail, he just said "we will see about that". He is very arrogant and that does nothing for me, very up himself i have the impression he thinks he is gods gift to women, which come to think of about it that reminds me of his sub saying that she wouldnt "play" with anyone she didnt find attractive...........Hmm for someone that says she has the soul of a slave......i think she needs to re-set her way of thinking as it generally dont work like that.
Thursday, 23 October 2008
knackered
We had Saturday to ourselves which was nice, the original intention was to meet another couple on the Saturday as well but im glad we didnt as i think it would of been too much, what with the travelling and then the Friday evening i was knackered.
He caned me in the evening fairly hard and it did bloody hurt, He made me count which is something im not too keen on usually as there is the risk of losing count and having to start over. What i do find slightly amusing is when He asks me if i want more, i could of course say no (only allowed to say no if im given a choice) but then i would feel guilty about not taking as much as He would like so i always end up saying "if it pleases you Sir" when really i dont want anymore, and of course He always says yes. I think i drunk more of His pee this time well it certainly felt like it but i will be happy when i get to the point i can drink most if not all.
He used the tawse on my pussy and if i recall i asked Him to and i dont think i will be as keen to again its not as nice as the flogger, can safetly say i dont like it used there its not a very nice kind of ouch.
Overall i think the weekend went well my only complaint is He wouldnt beat me on the Sunday morning (noise was the issue) shall have to make sure next time the accommodation is more suitable especially as it will be my birthday on the Sunday and well i want my birthday beating.
He caned me in the evening fairly hard and it did bloody hurt, He made me count which is something im not too keen on usually as there is the risk of losing count and having to start over. What i do find slightly amusing is when He asks me if i want more, i could of course say no (only allowed to say no if im given a choice) but then i would feel guilty about not taking as much as He would like so i always end up saying "if it pleases you Sir" when really i dont want anymore, and of course He always says yes. I think i drunk more of His pee this time well it certainly felt like it but i will be happy when i get to the point i can drink most if not all.
He used the tawse on my pussy and if i recall i asked Him to and i dont think i will be as keen to again its not as nice as the flogger, can safetly say i dont like it used there its not a very nice kind of ouch.
Overall i think the weekend went well my only complaint is He wouldnt beat me on the Sunday morning (noise was the issue) shall have to make sure next time the accommodation is more suitable especially as it will be my birthday on the Sunday and well i want my birthday beating.
Wednesday, 22 October 2008
meeting others
The couple we had arranged to meet are not really into D/s as such, more swinging and anal play so meeting a couple like us was new to them. We had a glass of wine first to relax with before getting down to "it", there play area was in their garage which was amusing as you had to go through the garden to get to it, just hope they havent got any nosy neighbours that could be hard to explain, half naked women walking through the garden.
He clamped my breasts and i was then bent over a bench, whilst He was caning me they were pinching and pulling at my nipples, her bloody nails was the worst they dug in and i dont think they had any idea how much more sensitive tits are when they are clamped! I remember at one point she had a go at caning me and it was ok, my attention was more focused on my tits that were throbbing and i was relieved that no clamps were put on them. I was then stood up and tied with arms and legs spread in an X position, He whipped me not as hard as He has done but enough to get me squirming, the man in the couple attached some clamps to my nipples (very padded so they didnt hurt) but they was attached to an electrical device so hmm not so sure about that on the lowest setting it wasnt too bad but any higher and it wasnt pleasureable at all.
Then came the part i wasnt sure about, i had a strap-on with the intention of putting it in the man ass, at first i thought it was quite cool but not obviously having a cock i was concerned about how hard to push etc....i didnt want to hurt him. I didnt enjoy it at all, it did nothing for me sexually and i found the whole experience quite bizarre from my perspective, whilst i was ramming this dildo up his ass, his partner was putting a dildo down his mouth and twisting his nipples. I was impressed with how much nipple pain he could take if it was me i would of been screaming the place down (nipple torture is a weak area for me). It felt like an eternity (i found just shoving a dildo up his ass boring), i think i would have enjoyed it more if i was being beaten at the same time at least that would of broke the monotony although he might not have thought so as i would have probably rammed a lot harder (mmm theres a thought)!!
Then it was my turn, she put a strap-on on and first used it in my pussy, i didnt like this at all it hurt but not a normal hurt it just wasnt right and i think she thought i wasnt being co-operative which wasnt the case i just knew it didnt feel right and my instinct was too fight against it which i did. Then it was my ass which was uncomfortable more than painful i know i took as much as i could and i was pleased with myself how much i managed especially when i saw the size of the damn thing, i think if i had seen it before it was used i would have freaked but overall i was satisfied. We had a bit of a break then and i sucked my Masters cock and the other women asked to as well so i figured i better ask Him if i should suck the other mans which i did. Its something im still not sure about (sucking another mans cock that is) i wouldnt go as far as saying i enjoy it but rather that i do it because its expected, i dont think im naturally inclined to enjoy being used sexually by others, it bothers me more than i thought it would.
Well then came His favourite part i had to go down on her, no change there i didnt like it before and i still dont like it, it cant be just me that thinks it tastes bloody horrible surely, mind you she wasnt exactly a very responsive women, a corpse would have probably been more reactive (not that im into necrophilia). He fucked me in the ass whilst i was licking her which was the only enjoyable part of it, i didnt put a lot of effort in and she did comment on that afterwards which made me cringe as i thought that would get me in trouble with Him. As it happens He let it slide which did surprise me considering the deal was that if i didnt do a good enough effort my punishment (from previous poor behaviour) would still stand.
What i enjoyed most was being tied in the X and beaten and i would want to do that again, as well as try out the sex swing they had but more for the possibilities it has for torture rather than the sex. I did ask for needles and He obliged and i enjoyed them and wanted more but it was getting late, im finding with needles i need to be in the mood for them which of course doesnt always work that way. Anyway overall i would gladly meet with them again they were a genuine nice couple which is a rarity and it would be nice to explore more possibilites with them.
He clamped my breasts and i was then bent over a bench, whilst He was caning me they were pinching and pulling at my nipples, her bloody nails was the worst they dug in and i dont think they had any idea how much more sensitive tits are when they are clamped! I remember at one point she had a go at caning me and it was ok, my attention was more focused on my tits that were throbbing and i was relieved that no clamps were put on them. I was then stood up and tied with arms and legs spread in an X position, He whipped me not as hard as He has done but enough to get me squirming, the man in the couple attached some clamps to my nipples (very padded so they didnt hurt) but they was attached to an electrical device so hmm not so sure about that on the lowest setting it wasnt too bad but any higher and it wasnt pleasureable at all.
Then came the part i wasnt sure about, i had a strap-on with the intention of putting it in the man ass, at first i thought it was quite cool but not obviously having a cock i was concerned about how hard to push etc....i didnt want to hurt him. I didnt enjoy it at all, it did nothing for me sexually and i found the whole experience quite bizarre from my perspective, whilst i was ramming this dildo up his ass, his partner was putting a dildo down his mouth and twisting his nipples. I was impressed with how much nipple pain he could take if it was me i would of been screaming the place down (nipple torture is a weak area for me). It felt like an eternity (i found just shoving a dildo up his ass boring), i think i would have enjoyed it more if i was being beaten at the same time at least that would of broke the monotony although he might not have thought so as i would have probably rammed a lot harder (mmm theres a thought)!!
Then it was my turn, she put a strap-on on and first used it in my pussy, i didnt like this at all it hurt but not a normal hurt it just wasnt right and i think she thought i wasnt being co-operative which wasnt the case i just knew it didnt feel right and my instinct was too fight against it which i did. Then it was my ass which was uncomfortable more than painful i know i took as much as i could and i was pleased with myself how much i managed especially when i saw the size of the damn thing, i think if i had seen it before it was used i would have freaked but overall i was satisfied. We had a bit of a break then and i sucked my Masters cock and the other women asked to as well so i figured i better ask Him if i should suck the other mans which i did. Its something im still not sure about (sucking another mans cock that is) i wouldnt go as far as saying i enjoy it but rather that i do it because its expected, i dont think im naturally inclined to enjoy being used sexually by others, it bothers me more than i thought it would.
Well then came His favourite part i had to go down on her, no change there i didnt like it before and i still dont like it, it cant be just me that thinks it tastes bloody horrible surely, mind you she wasnt exactly a very responsive women, a corpse would have probably been more reactive (not that im into necrophilia). He fucked me in the ass whilst i was licking her which was the only enjoyable part of it, i didnt put a lot of effort in and she did comment on that afterwards which made me cringe as i thought that would get me in trouble with Him. As it happens He let it slide which did surprise me considering the deal was that if i didnt do a good enough effort my punishment (from previous poor behaviour) would still stand.
What i enjoyed most was being tied in the X and beaten and i would want to do that again, as well as try out the sex swing they had but more for the possibilities it has for torture rather than the sex. I did ask for needles and He obliged and i enjoyed them and wanted more but it was getting late, im finding with needles i need to be in the mood for them which of course doesnt always work that way. Anyway overall i would gladly meet with them again they were a genuine nice couple which is a rarity and it would be nice to explore more possibilites with them.
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
another post at last..
Its been quite a while since i have posted and im not sure why as i do enjoy keeping this blog and i do have a fair bit to write about, not least our last time together, so best start with that really.
It was nice as He was able to finish work early on the Friday and therefore meant we was able to spend more time together which is always a good thing. We visited a sex shop which sold various bdsm gear before heading to the hotel, trouble is so much to choose from, a bit like being a kid in a sweet shop, but i settled on a tawse because its something previously i hated (previous Dom i was with had one) and i suppose part of me wanted to know if it was as bad as i remembered thinking it was, it was way back then my nemesis, like the whip is now.
By the time we got to the hotel room i was desperate to try the damn thing out, well it had been a while since having any pain and patience isnt my strongest point as in i dont have any, got to suck His cock first though that was a bonus as the last few times He has made me wait and its been pain first. Wasnt long though before i was asking Him to beat me with the tawse and it was ouchy but not as bad as i remember thinking it was, then the cane well i do like the cane so that was nice and i asked for more and then a nice hard ass fucking with no lube it fucking hurt but i loved it.
Was a bit nervous as we had arranged to meet a couple that evening although i wasnt as bad as i would normally be as i had talked to them both on numerous occassions so i felt pretty relaxed and confident. I think my only concern was that i would mess up, i always fear that especially as i know my temperment with other women especially ones that have a dominant trait, its just not in my nature to be passive with a women thats a complete bitch this is most likely because i know im capable of being a bitch myself.
It was a good evening and i enjoyed most aspect of it, too much to put it one post so will continue tomorrow.
It was nice as He was able to finish work early on the Friday and therefore meant we was able to spend more time together which is always a good thing. We visited a sex shop which sold various bdsm gear before heading to the hotel, trouble is so much to choose from, a bit like being a kid in a sweet shop, but i settled on a tawse because its something previously i hated (previous Dom i was with had one) and i suppose part of me wanted to know if it was as bad as i remembered thinking it was, it was way back then my nemesis, like the whip is now.
By the time we got to the hotel room i was desperate to try the damn thing out, well it had been a while since having any pain and patience isnt my strongest point as in i dont have any, got to suck His cock first though that was a bonus as the last few times He has made me wait and its been pain first. Wasnt long though before i was asking Him to beat me with the tawse and it was ouchy but not as bad as i remember thinking it was, then the cane well i do like the cane so that was nice and i asked for more and then a nice hard ass fucking with no lube it fucking hurt but i loved it.
Was a bit nervous as we had arranged to meet a couple that evening although i wasnt as bad as i would normally be as i had talked to them both on numerous occassions so i felt pretty relaxed and confident. I think my only concern was that i would mess up, i always fear that especially as i know my temperment with other women especially ones that have a dominant trait, its just not in my nature to be passive with a women thats a complete bitch this is most likely because i know im capable of being a bitch myself.
It was a good evening and i enjoyed most aspect of it, too much to put it one post so will continue tomorrow.
Thursday, 28 August 2008
expectations
He gave me the option of finding a women or a couple for when we meet and if successful and i did well with the other women then the whip strokes would be reverted back to the original 150. At first i thought that sounded reasonable but on thinking about it i would rather have 300 whip strokes, of course He will most likely search for a women or couple still but at least it means i dont have to because its just exhausting and most of the time there timwasters and i just havent got the enthusiasm to deal with prats.
I have been thinking over this quite a bit lately (other people that is) and im sure He thinks im just being awkward and difficult but im not and wheras before i would get upset especially when He would make references that being a slave i should enjoy it because it pleases Him now i dont. Not because i dont believe this to be true but more because goddam it i am a good slave, not perfect by any means but i try and ultimately i will do it. So does it make me a bad slave that i find being with other women distasteful? i dont think so, should i downright refuse to do it then that would be different but i wouldnt do that. Does it make a bad slave because i dont enjoy it? no because thats the same as saying as i should enjoy getting 300 strokes of the whip because He will enjoy giving them, but i wont.
I wish i did enjoy and was keen to be with another women, it would certainly make it a lot easier, but i cant change how i am no matter how much He may want me to and i think thats what i find difficult to understand, the fact is i will do it but expecting me to enjoy it and be keen seems unrealistic. I understand what He says about i should because it pleases Him, i get that totally, but at what expense, how far do i have to go and what do i have to do to prove myself to Him, where does it end.
The thing is its not that i completely detest it at all, because as i said in previous post i get off on doing it because i have to, what i have a problem with is the expectation to act naturally when its not something im naturally drawn to, i cant "make-love" or be "intimate" with another women not in the sense of enjoying it.
I have been thinking over this quite a bit lately (other people that is) and im sure He thinks im just being awkward and difficult but im not and wheras before i would get upset especially when He would make references that being a slave i should enjoy it because it pleases Him now i dont. Not because i dont believe this to be true but more because goddam it i am a good slave, not perfect by any means but i try and ultimately i will do it. So does it make me a bad slave that i find being with other women distasteful? i dont think so, should i downright refuse to do it then that would be different but i wouldnt do that. Does it make a bad slave because i dont enjoy it? no because thats the same as saying as i should enjoy getting 300 strokes of the whip because He will enjoy giving them, but i wont.
I wish i did enjoy and was keen to be with another women, it would certainly make it a lot easier, but i cant change how i am no matter how much He may want me to and i think thats what i find difficult to understand, the fact is i will do it but expecting me to enjoy it and be keen seems unrealistic. I understand what He says about i should because it pleases Him, i get that totally, but at what expense, how far do i have to go and what do i have to do to prove myself to Him, where does it end.
The thing is its not that i completely detest it at all, because as i said in previous post i get off on doing it because i have to, what i have a problem with is the expectation to act naturally when its not something im naturally drawn to, i cant "make-love" or be "intimate" with another women not in the sense of enjoying it.
Thursday, 7 August 2008
a response
After having read the first comment left on my blog it did disturb me that i was perceived as having low self esteem and lacking in self confidence, but after reading through a few of my recent posts i can see how this could of been interpreted to appear this way, and as this is my blog i want to rectify that once and for all.
Im 32 years old, of sound mind, reasonably intelligent and know myself well enough to know what is right for me. My vanilla life is good, i have a good family network, great friends, a job im very happy in and good at, to dispel any thoughts that i dont have a "normal" life i figured i should point out that indeed i do lead a very normal everyday life, full most likely of the same shit that everyone has, but this blog isnt about my "vanilla" life it is about my relationship with my Master which although is not able to be 24/7 living together is just as important to me and i dont switch off from being His slave when we are not together, i am always His slave.
Im not going to go down the route of what a slave should be or how they should behave because it may well differ from one person to the next, what matters to me is what He expects from me, i have said before that i chose to be His slave but it wasnt something i just one day announced or decided, it was more a natural progression which happened very quickly. Initially it was me that chose to give up my safeword there was no pressure from Him to do so, not that im against them but this is about what was right for me and really was the start of me becoming His slave. I strongly believe that it was the right decision and have no regrets, i admit the enormity of what being His slave meant did not really hit me until the moment i was put in a situation i would rather not have been in and didnt want to do. The situation that comes to mind is the first time we "played" with another couple which is something i was very apprehensive about, the male in the couple was of very large build to the point of being obese and was certainly not someone i was attracted to in any way at all.
We met in a pub to have dinner, all four of us, and it was pleasant enough as the evening progressed the decision was made to go back to theirs if all was happy with that. The point of whether i would be happy to go back to their place was not discussed between my Master and myself because it was irrelevant, it was His decision to make if there was any doubt of my level of submission to Him it would have first been apparrent then, i could have expressed my distate for the man and declined to go ahead, out of politeness i could have waited until i was in the car alone with my Master to express that i had no interest but i didnt and the thought of doing so did not cross my mind. The point is i was not bullied and certainly not dragged kicking and screaming into this situation, i knew beforehand that this moment would arrive, we discussed my concerns and fears, my driving force was like any submissive/slave and that is the desire and need to please.
As our relationship has progressed and deepened so too has my level of submission, and im discovering more about myself that is sometimes scary but mostly is liberating. I dont understand why i am like i am, i stopped trying to figure that out a long time ago, im a masochist (dictionary definition: "a person who gains sexual gratification through pain, deprivation or degredation") and i fit that description, the more pain im in the more aroused i am even when its pain i dont like and would rather not have. What i do like though is enduring the pain and often i berate myself for not being able to take as much as i would like and what He would like to give, i love the adrenilin rush of being scared and vunerable, the more horrible He is the more excited i am.
I suppose where it may be difficult to understand and could be misinterpreted is that i enjoy having to do things i dont like, which as i type this i know does not make much sense so i can only try to explain as best as i can. My primary enjoyment is being dominated, the less control i have the more secure and content i am. An example is my dislike for going down on a women, i havent enjoyed the act itself (and could happily not have to do it again) but having to do it because its what He enjoys fulfills my need for being dominated and for as long as i feel controlled at these times i can endure it, and this applies to other activities i dont like. Overall i am happy but (there is always a but) these are my needs and His are what comes first but the point to remember is that if i did not have these needs then i wouldnt be here, because to fill my needs/desires means submitting to His, that is the core of the relationship and what it is built upon.
The reality is sometimes its not nice, i dont like Him very much when He is doing something to me im not liking, i get upset, i think He is being unreasonable, but if it wasnt this way then it would only be my needs getting met, which is not how it should be and defines the difference (in my opinion) between slave and sub, i cannot and do not want the choice of what He does to me and when it stops. He is a sadist (look that up yourself in a dictionary if you need to) so obviously some of His enjoyment comes from inflicting pain on me and yes especially pain i dislike, im not "beaten up" im beaten and if i happen to enjoy it, which i do on occassions thats a bonus if i dont well thats just too bad.
What i do know though at these times is i may well be hurting and suffering but im safe, i know this because i trust His judgement, His ability but most of all i know He would never damage me, hurt me yes and there is a difference. Think of it as having a favourite very expensive car, you enjoy using it a great deal and therefore you want to be able to use it again and again, so it needs to be taken care of after each use. He has never beaten me in anger, He has never had to shout or lose His temper in order to gain my complience, on the times i verbally resist He is firm and in control this calms me and i submit willingly. That being said we are both human and errors can be made on both our parts, i struggle with my submission at times and this manifests itself in a number of ways, i can be stroppy, insecure and worst of all disrespectful. As His slave His expectations of me are not unrealistic, to be obedient, loyal and respectful comes to mind, when i falter i look to Him to correct me because i want and need to please Him and also because i want to better myself.
On the flip side of the coin however, there is no shortage of comfort, support and cuddles, in fact its me who has asked Him to beat me and then leave me for a period of time (when i say leave i mean in the context of being made to stay in postion and ignored) because it appeals to my fondness for degredation and dehumanisation (this is something i should add that as yet He has never done). The only time i get no immediate comfort or words of encouragment is when i am being punished and nor at those times would i deserve or should expect it as it would be my poor behaviour that has got me punished in the first place. Which leads to the point of what prompted me to write this post in the first place.
I spoke to Him extremely disrespectfully, there is no excuse for my behaviour, that is not to say i am not allowed to express my feelings as i am as long as it is done in a respectful way and mindful of my place as His slave, i failed on both these counts. I was given a punishment at home and when next we meet 150 strokes of the whip, i then soon after masturbated without permission and was made worse by the fact that it was just after i had been granted permission to masturbate as i took my punishment well, the strokes have then been increased to 300.
This may well seem over the top but i pushed Him too far and now i face the consequences, of course im scared its going to bloody hurt a lot and is far more than what i know i can handle, but i know its no more than what i deserve and need. Previous punishments for similar offences have not had the desired effect, it is severe but i only have myself to blame, not only have i disappointed Him but i let myself down.
To finish off, should it ever get to the point where He feels the need to send me to someone else to punish me, that would probably be the point in which i walk away because i would see that as being a rejection and that i couldnt and wouldnt cope with.
At the end of the day im really not concerned with what others may think of my relationship with Him, i shouldnt have to explain myself to people that i dont know and nor do they know me.
Im 32 years old, of sound mind, reasonably intelligent and know myself well enough to know what is right for me. My vanilla life is good, i have a good family network, great friends, a job im very happy in and good at, to dispel any thoughts that i dont have a "normal" life i figured i should point out that indeed i do lead a very normal everyday life, full most likely of the same shit that everyone has, but this blog isnt about my "vanilla" life it is about my relationship with my Master which although is not able to be 24/7 living together is just as important to me and i dont switch off from being His slave when we are not together, i am always His slave.
Im not going to go down the route of what a slave should be or how they should behave because it may well differ from one person to the next, what matters to me is what He expects from me, i have said before that i chose to be His slave but it wasnt something i just one day announced or decided, it was more a natural progression which happened very quickly. Initially it was me that chose to give up my safeword there was no pressure from Him to do so, not that im against them but this is about what was right for me and really was the start of me becoming His slave. I strongly believe that it was the right decision and have no regrets, i admit the enormity of what being His slave meant did not really hit me until the moment i was put in a situation i would rather not have been in and didnt want to do. The situation that comes to mind is the first time we "played" with another couple which is something i was very apprehensive about, the male in the couple was of very large build to the point of being obese and was certainly not someone i was attracted to in any way at all.
We met in a pub to have dinner, all four of us, and it was pleasant enough as the evening progressed the decision was made to go back to theirs if all was happy with that. The point of whether i would be happy to go back to their place was not discussed between my Master and myself because it was irrelevant, it was His decision to make if there was any doubt of my level of submission to Him it would have first been apparrent then, i could have expressed my distate for the man and declined to go ahead, out of politeness i could have waited until i was in the car alone with my Master to express that i had no interest but i didnt and the thought of doing so did not cross my mind. The point is i was not bullied and certainly not dragged kicking and screaming into this situation, i knew beforehand that this moment would arrive, we discussed my concerns and fears, my driving force was like any submissive/slave and that is the desire and need to please.
As our relationship has progressed and deepened so too has my level of submission, and im discovering more about myself that is sometimes scary but mostly is liberating. I dont understand why i am like i am, i stopped trying to figure that out a long time ago, im a masochist (dictionary definition: "a person who gains sexual gratification through pain, deprivation or degredation") and i fit that description, the more pain im in the more aroused i am even when its pain i dont like and would rather not have. What i do like though is enduring the pain and often i berate myself for not being able to take as much as i would like and what He would like to give, i love the adrenilin rush of being scared and vunerable, the more horrible He is the more excited i am.
I suppose where it may be difficult to understand and could be misinterpreted is that i enjoy having to do things i dont like, which as i type this i know does not make much sense so i can only try to explain as best as i can. My primary enjoyment is being dominated, the less control i have the more secure and content i am. An example is my dislike for going down on a women, i havent enjoyed the act itself (and could happily not have to do it again) but having to do it because its what He enjoys fulfills my need for being dominated and for as long as i feel controlled at these times i can endure it, and this applies to other activities i dont like. Overall i am happy but (there is always a but) these are my needs and His are what comes first but the point to remember is that if i did not have these needs then i wouldnt be here, because to fill my needs/desires means submitting to His, that is the core of the relationship and what it is built upon.
The reality is sometimes its not nice, i dont like Him very much when He is doing something to me im not liking, i get upset, i think He is being unreasonable, but if it wasnt this way then it would only be my needs getting met, which is not how it should be and defines the difference (in my opinion) between slave and sub, i cannot and do not want the choice of what He does to me and when it stops. He is a sadist (look that up yourself in a dictionary if you need to) so obviously some of His enjoyment comes from inflicting pain on me and yes especially pain i dislike, im not "beaten up" im beaten and if i happen to enjoy it, which i do on occassions thats a bonus if i dont well thats just too bad.
What i do know though at these times is i may well be hurting and suffering but im safe, i know this because i trust His judgement, His ability but most of all i know He would never damage me, hurt me yes and there is a difference. Think of it as having a favourite very expensive car, you enjoy using it a great deal and therefore you want to be able to use it again and again, so it needs to be taken care of after each use. He has never beaten me in anger, He has never had to shout or lose His temper in order to gain my complience, on the times i verbally resist He is firm and in control this calms me and i submit willingly. That being said we are both human and errors can be made on both our parts, i struggle with my submission at times and this manifests itself in a number of ways, i can be stroppy, insecure and worst of all disrespectful. As His slave His expectations of me are not unrealistic, to be obedient, loyal and respectful comes to mind, when i falter i look to Him to correct me because i want and need to please Him and also because i want to better myself.
On the flip side of the coin however, there is no shortage of comfort, support and cuddles, in fact its me who has asked Him to beat me and then leave me for a period of time (when i say leave i mean in the context of being made to stay in postion and ignored) because it appeals to my fondness for degredation and dehumanisation (this is something i should add that as yet He has never done). The only time i get no immediate comfort or words of encouragment is when i am being punished and nor at those times would i deserve or should expect it as it would be my poor behaviour that has got me punished in the first place. Which leads to the point of what prompted me to write this post in the first place.
I spoke to Him extremely disrespectfully, there is no excuse for my behaviour, that is not to say i am not allowed to express my feelings as i am as long as it is done in a respectful way and mindful of my place as His slave, i failed on both these counts. I was given a punishment at home and when next we meet 150 strokes of the whip, i then soon after masturbated without permission and was made worse by the fact that it was just after i had been granted permission to masturbate as i took my punishment well, the strokes have then been increased to 300.
This may well seem over the top but i pushed Him too far and now i face the consequences, of course im scared its going to bloody hurt a lot and is far more than what i know i can handle, but i know its no more than what i deserve and need. Previous punishments for similar offences have not had the desired effect, it is severe but i only have myself to blame, not only have i disappointed Him but i let myself down.
To finish off, should it ever get to the point where He feels the need to send me to someone else to punish me, that would probably be the point in which i walk away because i would see that as being a rejection and that i couldnt and wouldnt cope with.
At the end of the day im really not concerned with what others may think of my relationship with Him, i shouldnt have to explain myself to people that i dont know and nor do they know me.
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