Have found a couple (i found them, thats got to put me in His good books for a while surely) admittedly i didnt react very well when He spoke to the women, i called Him a bastard but well after talking to them some more im actually forward to it. I did admit to Him though this is mostly because it appeals to my sense of humour, being that they play on a completley different level to us, the shock factor appeals to me greatly although i dont want to scare them off as they seem a nice genuine couple.
I dont quite know what there expecting and im inclined to think that they know very little of M/s dynamics (or more to the point the difference between D/s and M/s) which is fair enough, and why is there is this obsession with people thinking slaves are above anyone else when the reality actually is completley opposite. Im surmmising after speaking with them and from the information i have that there predominant kink is anything to do with sex with a little bdsm thrown in, she needs the sex and the arousal to get her in the state of mind to "go that little bit further". She couldnt quite get that i prefer pain first to get me to that sexual high, not always but pain certainly is my preference before any sexual contact (apart from sucking His cock, could do that anytime, but is better when i have or am suffering).
He scares her but i assurred her that He wouldnt do anything that she didnt want and there is no shame in using a safeword if it gets a little too intense, i said that i had used mine before with another couple, but i think they need to put aside what we do together because when we are on our own its completley different. Its not a competition to see who will and can do what besides there will no doubt be a time when im confronted with a couple that play at a harder level than im comfortable with. There curious as to how we interact together and this amuses me, if there expecting the stereotypical image of a man in leather and the slave in wrist and ankle chains then there in for a shock although the idea of being kept in wrist/ankle cuffs is very appealing.
Before i spoke to them on the phone i spoke to Him and said that i found it appealing to meet with them because i would like to see how reasonably hard we could get with them, He made a comment that maybe i would need a hood because there is a risk i might laugh at the situation, and i didnt like that idea. Now after thinking about it i want one it appeals to my love of being objectified and degraded, the idea of being a faceless person with no way of communicating, just there to be used and abused....mmm made my mind up im getting one asap.
Wednesday, 9 April 2008
Friday, 28 March 2008
i miss You
I havent had a good couple of last days, im missing Him and sometimes its worse than other times and i get frustrated because its not always possible to talk and then i get stroppy and i have sensed the last few days that im getting that way. So i figured to avoid getting stroppy and end up incurring punishment i would ask for some pain (coz that helps in a wierd way) and i didnt get it and then that pissed me off because i wasnt asking again, so it gets into a vicious circle of me being stroppy because i want Him to give me pain and then when i do get it its more than i want and all that could have been avoided if He gives me the pain i asked for in the first place.
Yes i am bloody ranting, ok im due on thats probably why im feeling this way but goddamn it i want some attention. Then like now i feel guilty for wanting His attention as i know its not easy for Him all the time as its not always easy for me (fucking vanilla life) but just sometimes its really hard to deal with. Its the weekend so wont be able to talk then and He is off work next week so will be difficult then as well, then im off on holiday and im dreading it, what the fuck am i going to be like without contact for 2 whole fucking weeks.
Im sorry Sir.......i just really miss you lots xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Yes i am bloody ranting, ok im due on thats probably why im feeling this way but goddamn it i want some attention. Then like now i feel guilty for wanting His attention as i know its not easy for Him all the time as its not always easy for me (fucking vanilla life) but just sometimes its really hard to deal with. Its the weekend so wont be able to talk then and He is off work next week so will be difficult then as well, then im off on holiday and im dreading it, what the fuck am i going to be like without contact for 2 whole fucking weeks.
Im sorry Sir.......i just really miss you lots xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Saturday, 22 March 2008
need to find women (never thought i would say that)
I need to find a women before He does which is not going to be an easy task after having just briefly gone through profiles its going to be a lot harder than i thought. The ones that may seem suitable are not in a good location or if they are in an ideal location we are definitley not what they are seeking, so im going to narrow it down to what is important to me.
1. preferably older than me (older the better)
2. bi or bi curious (He will insist on that)
3. should have some experience even if very little
4. be discrete
5. not looking for 24/7
6. not wanting to be a permanent fixture (im not prepared to share my time with Him
on a regular basis with someone else)
I think that about covers it, now i know that 6 is not a demand that i should make but its how i feel, i couldnt cope with someone wanting the same relationship with Him as i have, its not about the sex either it doesnt bother me Him having sex with other subs in fact it appeals to the voyuerer in me. I think the trouble with single female subs is it easy to become attached to the Dominant especially emotionally and wanting more than what has been offerred, i dont worry that He will want them more than me (got past that now) but i think if this should happen it could potentialy cause problems.
I think tomorrow i will start looking through profiles and try and get some messages out, best get the ball rolling cant risk leaving it to Him, because otherwise it will be my worst nightmare knowing my luck.
1. preferably older than me (older the better)
2. bi or bi curious (He will insist on that)
3. should have some experience even if very little
4. be discrete
5. not looking for 24/7
6. not wanting to be a permanent fixture (im not prepared to share my time with Him
on a regular basis with someone else)
I think that about covers it, now i know that 6 is not a demand that i should make but its how i feel, i couldnt cope with someone wanting the same relationship with Him as i have, its not about the sex either it doesnt bother me Him having sex with other subs in fact it appeals to the voyuerer in me. I think the trouble with single female subs is it easy to become attached to the Dominant especially emotionally and wanting more than what has been offerred, i dont worry that He will want them more than me (got past that now) but i think if this should happen it could potentialy cause problems.
I think tomorrow i will start looking through profiles and try and get some messages out, best get the ball rolling cant risk leaving it to Him, because otherwise it will be my worst nightmare knowing my luck.
Friday, 21 March 2008
nearly a year
blimey just realised this is my 101st post and after having just read through all of them, my opinions have changed a little and in some ways i have progressed (i think), to think i was against having this blog intially now im very protective of it.
I think the biggest change is that im a lot more secure in our relationship than i was when i first started this blog, i still have the odd moments but not as frequent as they used to be. Its nearly also a year since we first met and its been a good 12 months but also very scary albeit in a nice/not nice way, i have had my fair share of tantrums which for the most part He wont tolerate and reassuring that He doesnt give up one me when i do have my moments.
He said that i can suggest something i would like to do to mark our first year together which was a challenge as im not very good at making decisions, but having thought about it i decided today i would like to be caned until blood is drawn. Having suggested this to Him of course the sadistic bastard has said that if this is what i want then no amount of pleading will deter Him when the time comes, this is not how i want it. I want to enjoy it (well obviously as much as you can enjoy a caning) ideally i would prefer the strokes not to be very hard, but applied moderatley light so as to enable me to be able to take a lot more strokes, the more strokes the more likely to break the skin eventually (well thats my theory anyway).
Finally got a reply from the domme (the one whose mail i deleted) and it wasnt the reply He was hoping for, i admit i was pleased although my joy was shortlived when He said i would be dealt with later. This basically means "dont think you have gotten away with it" now i didnt think i would although i was hoping a teeny weeny little bit that i would escape without punishment but i knew deep down this was unlikely. I have realised that im actually in deep shit because of what i did and the fact that my actions are probably why we got the reply from her that we did, and i have no defence because i know what i did was disprespectful.
Anyway i have found the inflatable butt plug (after having temporarily misplaced it) oh what i wouldnt do to lose it permanently but i would only be made to get another one so either way its staying. I have tried convincing Him that my ass just isnt designed to be blown up but to no avail, i wish i did like it would certainly make it easier but the last time He made me use it as punishment i bled and that scared the shit out of me (no pun intended). I rue the day i ever bloody bought it and even worse is that im sure i was the one who mentioned it and suggested getting it, im mad fucking mad.
I think the biggest change is that im a lot more secure in our relationship than i was when i first started this blog, i still have the odd moments but not as frequent as they used to be. Its nearly also a year since we first met and its been a good 12 months but also very scary albeit in a nice/not nice way, i have had my fair share of tantrums which for the most part He wont tolerate and reassuring that He doesnt give up one me when i do have my moments.
He said that i can suggest something i would like to do to mark our first year together which was a challenge as im not very good at making decisions, but having thought about it i decided today i would like to be caned until blood is drawn. Having suggested this to Him of course the sadistic bastard has said that if this is what i want then no amount of pleading will deter Him when the time comes, this is not how i want it. I want to enjoy it (well obviously as much as you can enjoy a caning) ideally i would prefer the strokes not to be very hard, but applied moderatley light so as to enable me to be able to take a lot more strokes, the more strokes the more likely to break the skin eventually (well thats my theory anyway).
Finally got a reply from the domme (the one whose mail i deleted) and it wasnt the reply He was hoping for, i admit i was pleased although my joy was shortlived when He said i would be dealt with later. This basically means "dont think you have gotten away with it" now i didnt think i would although i was hoping a teeny weeny little bit that i would escape without punishment but i knew deep down this was unlikely. I have realised that im actually in deep shit because of what i did and the fact that my actions are probably why we got the reply from her that we did, and i have no defence because i know what i did was disprespectful.
Anyway i have found the inflatable butt plug (after having temporarily misplaced it) oh what i wouldnt do to lose it permanently but i would only be made to get another one so either way its staying. I have tried convincing Him that my ass just isnt designed to be blown up but to no avail, i wish i did like it would certainly make it easier but the last time He made me use it as punishment i bled and that scared the shit out of me (no pun intended). I rue the day i ever bloody bought it and even worse is that im sure i was the one who mentioned it and suggested getting it, im mad fucking mad.
Tuesday, 11 March 2008
finished i think......
Where was oh yes well i finally got His attention, He bent me over a chair and used the birch rod again and i still have the same opinion ie. it bloody hurts a lot, He then had me sit astride the chair with my tits sitting atop the backrest so i figured they was in for some attention. He tied me to the chair, my breasts were in tight bondage as well and i was gagged He used the crop on my tits harder than what He has done before and i was struggling after only a few whacks with it. Then the bastard shoved a butt plug up my ass and sat back leaving me well in a lot of discomfort, as i said earlier bondage definitley provokes the most intense reactions out of me.
I started off feeling angry and was cursing Him for sitting back and taking pleasure in my discomfort, if i wasnt gagged then He would of probably got called a few names as well. The anger then turns to pleading and being gagged the only way of communication is through the eyes, when He picked up the nipple clamps i was begging as well as i could for Him not to put them on, but He did and they are horrible things but a hell of a lot worse when they come off.
He later beat me with the flogger and i did try to escape the blows and eventually curled up, He stopped, went and laid down on the bed and i felt guilty for not enduring it i apologised and He said if i was (sorry that is) then i should get back into position for more, which i did albeit reluctantly. I dozed off for a while only to be woken up with the announcement that He needed a piss which translates as "get in the bath, im going to piss on you" which i love apart from the fact that i know im going to get some in my mouth and will have to lick Him clean which i dont love, as of yet He hasnt forced the issue of making me swallow but its only a matter of time before He does.
Overall i think the weekend went well, however i always end up coming away and wishing i had behaved better in the respect of enduring more pain, one of the highlights has to be the fact that the dreaded whip didnt get used (He had left it in the car) and i wasnt going to volunteer to get it.
I started off feeling angry and was cursing Him for sitting back and taking pleasure in my discomfort, if i wasnt gagged then He would of probably got called a few names as well. The anger then turns to pleading and being gagged the only way of communication is through the eyes, when He picked up the nipple clamps i was begging as well as i could for Him not to put them on, but He did and they are horrible things but a hell of a lot worse when they come off.
He later beat me with the flogger and i did try to escape the blows and eventually curled up, He stopped, went and laid down on the bed and i felt guilty for not enduring it i apologised and He said if i was (sorry that is) then i should get back into position for more, which i did albeit reluctantly. I dozed off for a while only to be woken up with the announcement that He needed a piss which translates as "get in the bath, im going to piss on you" which i love apart from the fact that i know im going to get some in my mouth and will have to lick Him clean which i dont love, as of yet He hasnt forced the issue of making me swallow but its only a matter of time before He does.
Overall i think the weekend went well, however i always end up coming away and wishing i had behaved better in the respect of enduring more pain, one of the highlights has to be the fact that the dreaded whip didnt get used (He had left it in the car) and i wasnt going to volunteer to get it.
weekend......nearly finished
Back to the weekend, finding this difficult to write now as im not feeling very confident in myself but anyway for whats it worth here we go.
I cant deny i find pain arousing even pain i dislike so im pretty sure i was wet throughout the birching something that is a bone of contention for me because as far as He is concerned if im wet then im liking it in one way or the other. So im not even going there. During the punishment He stopped at intervals for me to suck His cock which was a reprieve for a while and a welcome one as i do love sucking His cock. Finished off with being fucked in the ass and then Him cumming in my mouth, so in general really not a bad start to the weekend.
Before going out for dinner i asked Him to beat me some more and i was allowed to choose what with and where, so i chose the belt on my ass, now the belt isnt normally my first choice as i find it quite difficult to handle but to my surprise i enjoyed it more on this occassion although as always when i start pleading for Him to stop im always made to take more usually 6 more which it was in this case. We went for a few drinks before going to get something to eat, found a indian restaurant and the food was really good, both quite tired so headed back to the apartment, during the meal i asked to be able to lick His ass when we got back (yep i love doing that as well, nearly as much as sucking His cock) sexually so far there isnt anything yet i really dont like doing.
We both woke up very early around 6ish i think which is unheard of for us on a Saturday morning usually we crawl out of bed closer to midday, but nevertheless it was nice to get out have a nice relaxing breakfast whilst reading the papers. The weather was bloody awful but i wanted to walk the pier so we did before heading back to the apartment, where i was desperate for more beatings He was more interested in watching the rugby. However when He did decide to focus His attention on me (after lots of begging) i got more than what i bargained for as usual(you would have thought i would have learnt this by now).
will finish completley later......
I cant deny i find pain arousing even pain i dislike so im pretty sure i was wet throughout the birching something that is a bone of contention for me because as far as He is concerned if im wet then im liking it in one way or the other. So im not even going there. During the punishment He stopped at intervals for me to suck His cock which was a reprieve for a while and a welcome one as i do love sucking His cock. Finished off with being fucked in the ass and then Him cumming in my mouth, so in general really not a bad start to the weekend.
Before going out for dinner i asked Him to beat me some more and i was allowed to choose what with and where, so i chose the belt on my ass, now the belt isnt normally my first choice as i find it quite difficult to handle but to my surprise i enjoyed it more on this occassion although as always when i start pleading for Him to stop im always made to take more usually 6 more which it was in this case. We went for a few drinks before going to get something to eat, found a indian restaurant and the food was really good, both quite tired so headed back to the apartment, during the meal i asked to be able to lick His ass when we got back (yep i love doing that as well, nearly as much as sucking His cock) sexually so far there isnt anything yet i really dont like doing.
We both woke up very early around 6ish i think which is unheard of for us on a Saturday morning usually we crawl out of bed closer to midday, but nevertheless it was nice to get out have a nice relaxing breakfast whilst reading the papers. The weather was bloody awful but i wanted to walk the pier so we did before heading back to the apartment, where i was desperate for more beatings He was more interested in watching the rugby. However when He did decide to focus His attention on me (after lots of begging) i got more than what i bargained for as usual(you would have thought i would have learnt this by now).
will finish completley later......
a little distraction
Im trying to focus on writing more about the weekend but im distracted by a conversation i have just had with Him and i need to come to terms with that before finishing off what i started.
Before the weekend He had wrote to some people asking if they would be interested in meeting with us at the weekend, one piece of mail disturbed me enough to the point that when a reply was recieved i deleted it without Him reading it. The mail in question was a Domme and i know it is something He wants a lot to see me used by a Domme unfortunatley it is also something i have the biggest problem with enough to make me delete her reply being fully aware that this was wrong.
Having since told Him of what i had done, i have been told to reply to her apologising for my behaviour which i have done, and ideally He would like to arrange with her a meeting so that she can punish me. It is something i have protested against not because i dont see what i have done is wrong because i do and i knew the consequences would be serious, what i protest against is the fact the underlying reason of why i did what i did is disregarded. I can only say in my defence my reaction was one of fear, i believe being put in that situation could be detrimental to my relationship with Him and that is why i reacted the way i did, although i see now it has made things a lot worse and the damage i feared would be done has in a way happened.
Im in a hole at the moment because if i dont agree to what He demands then that would cause problems, yet if i do which i know i should then i think there will still be problems, the only soulution that i can see is to do what He wants and hope that i can cope with it.
I feel like im being emotionally blackmailed, if i dont do what He wants or cant cope with it then i must not be a slave and maybe He is right im doubting that i am good enough for Him because a good slave would be the proverbial unemotional/unfeeling robot and im not that. Or maybe i am because ultimatley i will do what He wants regardless of how i feel and thats scary in itself.
Anyway will finish the weekend later.........
Before the weekend He had wrote to some people asking if they would be interested in meeting with us at the weekend, one piece of mail disturbed me enough to the point that when a reply was recieved i deleted it without Him reading it. The mail in question was a Domme and i know it is something He wants a lot to see me used by a Domme unfortunatley it is also something i have the biggest problem with enough to make me delete her reply being fully aware that this was wrong.
Having since told Him of what i had done, i have been told to reply to her apologising for my behaviour which i have done, and ideally He would like to arrange with her a meeting so that she can punish me. It is something i have protested against not because i dont see what i have done is wrong because i do and i knew the consequences would be serious, what i protest against is the fact the underlying reason of why i did what i did is disregarded. I can only say in my defence my reaction was one of fear, i believe being put in that situation could be detrimental to my relationship with Him and that is why i reacted the way i did, although i see now it has made things a lot worse and the damage i feared would be done has in a way happened.
Im in a hole at the moment because if i dont agree to what He demands then that would cause problems, yet if i do which i know i should then i think there will still be problems, the only soulution that i can see is to do what He wants and hope that i can cope with it.
I feel like im being emotionally blackmailed, if i dont do what He wants or cant cope with it then i must not be a slave and maybe He is right im doubting that i am good enough for Him because a good slave would be the proverbial unemotional/unfeeling robot and im not that. Or maybe i am because ultimatley i will do what He wants regardless of how i feel and thats scary in itself.
Anyway will finish the weekend later.........
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