trusting your instinct..throwing out the rule book!

Anyone who is a parent, mother or father will know that having a baby and the subsequent raising of the child is probably the most challenging thing you will ever do, but oh so rewarding.   There is a lot of support out there from the health workers, midwifes, family and friends and countless books and 'experts' giving you advice on raising your baby.

When i had my son i was fairly lucky for a first time mum, he slept through the night from 3 weeks old and was a happy content baby, then at approximatley 5 weeks old he stopped sleeping through the night, he was irritable and the crying seemed endless.  I panicked..what was wrong? i sought advice from the health workers, i read chapters in books, i tried all these different tips and nothing worked! My granny (who has had 7 children) suggested giving him a couple spoonfuls of baby rice before his evening bottle and to trust my own instinct before anyone elses but i couldnt do that....the books did not advise weaning until at least 12 weeks and the health visitor said it could be more harmful than good! and i couldnt possible trust my instinct...what if im wrong.

I became irritible through lack of sleep and as well as my son crying i was too, i was at my wits end so i gave in and tried what my granny suggested....and guess what? yes he started sleeping through the night again...he was back to being my happy content baby.   My 'baby' is 14 now and healthy and happy (well as happy as a teenager can be) i broke the 'rules' set by the 'experts' yet everything was fine. 

I learnt that as much as all the 'experts', friends and books were great for seeking advice from and learning new tips it doesnt mean they are always right for you, my granny whom had years more experience than me was right about the rice but more importantly she was right about me trusting my instinct and that takes precedence over everything.

This i apply to my relationship, i could read every bdsm related book out there or talk to people in this lifestyle i will learn things no doubt and its always good to learn more, i like hearing different opinions etc, but ultimately only my Owner (mainly) and me (he will hear my opinion but his overrides mine) can decide what is right for us.  Im not saying that you shouldnt pay no attention to other resources far from it.....but sometimes it just so happens that you may well do it differently and thats the great thing about this lifestyle there are no rules to how it should be done.

Needle play and pushing those boundries

The funny thing is when we first got together and discussed likes/dislikes etc the biggest issue for me was no needles..the thought of them scared me and it wasnt something i was interested in most definitley a hard limit.  I knew he liked them and was competent in knowing what he was doing, he has far more experience than me which is mostly comforting but yet also sometimes i get these really insecure moments of thinking am i enough to satisfy his sadistic needs...silly i know.

As time went on and our relationship progressed its natural that trust becomes more firmly established and with this growth, the needles were always in the 'toy box' and they became the 'elephant in the room' he never mentioned them so by no means was there any pressure.

Im not sure if it was my submission deepening and with it my need to please him but more specifically to put his pleasure above my own discomfort/fear or just plain curiosity but i needed to explore needles.  I asked to be able to hold a needle just to get a feel of it which he obliged and he also took one and whilst i was kneeling naked in front of him he just ran it lightly over my breast leaving a very faint scratch.

I remember being a little scared, part of me wanting him to put the needle in but the other part of me was pleading inside not to and he didnt and intially i was relieved but later i felt disappointed that i hadnt taken that plunge......although he made it clear there was nothing to be disappointed about.

A while later (weeks) i plucked up the courage to ask him for needles and to be pierced with them, i wanted to do this not just for him but for me...i wanted to be able to give him all what he enjoys and this was one step further. 

I was so nervous sitting in a chair and watching him prepare the needles, he had me look at him whilst he inserted the needle in to my tit and my first thought was along the lines of "this is ok...what on earth was i so scared of" he only inserted a few i think 2 on each tit and i was buzzing even more so when he said how proud he was of me.

The are now (4 years on) one of my favourite things, most especially i like to pull them out myself and watch the blood trickling down over my tits..i have a thing for blood i love it!  Putting them through the nipple however is another matter i love to hate it, the sensation is different more sharper and if im lucky he will allow me to play with myself when he puts them in so there is the perfect balance of pain and pleasure.

The point of this post is in a way about hard limits and should they be pushed by the dominant or/and should the sub be receptive to having them pushed or be willing to try, or should they just be left well alone?  Its a tricky one.. in the situation i gave my curiosity got the better of me and i pursued it, there are so many factors to take into consideration, people change as the relationship grows..and areas which may have been a hard limit may no longer be considered as such.

Im still growing/develping and still have challenges ahead, sometimes i need a  push from him (gently hopefully or yes sometimes the hard way) and other times i get there myself, overcoming what we fear is a mindfield of emotions....there may well be things i wont be able to overcome and thats ok too.

LDR....not real?

A long distance relationship is what im in and have been for the last 5 years although we see each other regularly for whole weekends and communicate in between its not the most ideal situation but we make the best of it...does this make me less of a slave or not as submissive than those living together?

I think the first point is obviously its different its about there being different degrees or depths, im not kidding myself of course 24/7 living together is more in depth than my situation there is no room for argument there in my opinion...but they are both real.

Given a choice between physically kneeling at his feet or talking on the phone i will go for kneeling at his feet every single time, im still his slave though regardless there are still expectations he has of me when im not physically with him.

I dont think about what the future holds i focus on the now, as with any relationship as time goes on you grow especially once the intial excitment dies down (or sub frenzy as its called) not that the excitement ever goes away but you become more focused....its difficult to be focused in the beginning when its all so new, fresh and your exploring.

Im not perfect....no one is.....i still have many ways in which to grow but having read through some of my very early posts i cant believe how much my opinions/thoughts have changed, my submission is so much more absolute now than it was before.

So LDR are they real? yes very much so, they can work and they can mean just as much as any other relationship, its hard work at time, frustrating and full of ups and downs.....but so worth it...... doesnt that apply to all relationships regardless of the situation?

Why blog?

I started blogging a few years ago, it was actually my Owner that set the blog up and i wasnt too enthusiastic at first but i gave it a go, it certainly helped me in getting me to 'talk' more about what i felt about things so thats a good thing.

I had a break a while back and recently returned, i didnt realise how much i missed it until i started again.  What i like is reading others opinions and interacting, even if i may not agree with something its always good to get a different perspective and we can always learn more no matter how much we think we know already.

Also what i  like about blogging is its my own little corner of the world and Master allows me to write freely without worry of repurcussion (within reason) especially if im a little peeved at him for some reason, here i can have a little rant and get it off my chest.  

What also i have found is unlike a lot of chatrooms aimed at bdsm or M/s relationships there isnt any obvious one up manship..you know the "i do it better than you brigade" and thats refreshing, its more realistic i guess as you are getting more of an insight into peoples lives.

Anyway thats why i blog.

"what are you offering me"

I am allowed to ask if i want to masturbate and sometimes it will be a simple yes or no and then there are the times he will say "what can you offer me in return?".   One of his favourite things is when i ask or beg for something i outright dislike or i struggle with and when he makes this request it has to be either of these.

This request makes me have to think of his pleasure before mine, but also challenges me to think of something that he finds appealing, the more creative the better as this will please him more.  It doesnt have to be pain related it can be something humiliating, it can be something we have done before but i have really struggled with, its difficult to have to decide your own 'fate' more so when it has to be something disliked but yet its also very much a turn on.

I love feeding his sadism or being the filthy slut he likes to treat me as, but i have to be wary of not biting off more than i can chew, when i make an offer and he accepts it there is no going back....it will happen.  Its these times that make me address areas i struggle in and the very fact that im asking for 'it' is the icing on the cake for him.

Sometimes the list of my offerings build up (which it is at the moment) and i know my immediate future is going to involve a session getting through them, this fills me with dread but also a sense of achievement that slowly im confronting those things i dislike/struggle with.

dont knock it till you tried it....i dont think so!!!

I have to face facts as im getting older (im 36 so maturally youthful as i call it) im getting less and less tolerant and dare i say it but grumpy, is this normal?  I look at these young men with their jeans halfway down their asses and i have a burning need to go over and yank them up and tell them to buy ones that fit or invest in a belt...not that i have a habit of looking at young mens asses i hasten to add.

I have my teenage son telling me im "random" what the hell is that supposed to mean?  i knew that perhaps i was finally "past it" (sons words) when he came home from school after having sex education classes and informed of a sexual term i had never heard of!  Two women cup? of course being the adult and the mum i couldnt possibly admit to not knowing so as soon as he was in bed i googled it and then really wish i hadnt.

I dont know what horrified me more...what it was or the fact that he heard this from a sex education teacher...perhaps i need to go back to school! 

You know that phrase 'you dont know you dont like it until you try it' well what a load of bollocks, of course its a phrase i used with my kids when trying to get veggies down there mouths and i have no doubt i have used since but no...not any more....there are some things i dont need to try to know i dont like them.

safewords

I think i have briefly touched on the use or non use of safewords before but the comment on my last post has prompted me to re-visit it.

First off i want to state that in no way do i believe that not having a safeword makes someone better than another nor do i think it makes them reckless.  Simply put like almost everything its down to what works for the people involved and for us we prefer not to have a safeword.

What we both enjoy is the exchange of power, this can be on many levels or to many extremes, for some people they thrive on being micro-managed and having every aspect of their life dictated to.....this does not work for us, so its fair to say that power exchange may differ from one couple to the next with none being better than the other.  I am getting to the point honestly.

We do engage in a fair bit of s&m and one of the biggest thrills for both of us is pushing me and yes testing the boundries, seeing how far i can go, trying different scenarios, different combinations of implements etc.  Thats not to say every session is like that as they are not but for me personally i get a buzz out of being taken out my comfort zone and this is when not having a safeword comes into play.

At these times im begging, sometimes crying i really want it to stop and yes a part of me doesnt like him and boy does he get called names, im sometimes even a bit resentful intially afterwards that he has treated me in this horrible way.   But we both know i love it and i do, i love the feeling of being completley at his mercy and under his control with no way of escaping what is happening even though i may desperatley want to at the time..

If i had a safeword then there would have been times i most probably would have used it which is fine, but it would have meant not having the amazing feelings afterwards, i would have missed some experiences that now give me great enjoyment.   These experiences create a different effect/scene which for us gives a great deal of satisfaction and emphasises the power exchange which we have.

Then there is the safety aspect, with any scenario you have to be aware of the potential risks involved and safety is the priority so there may well be steps that need to be taken so that any risks are minimised.  We have been together nearly 5 years and thankfully there has been no occassion where my safety has been in danger or an unwanted injury, thats not to say it couldnt happen as it could.  To safeguard against this a safeword could be practical but what about when im hooded/gagged and restrained as such that im unable to communicate on any level that somethings wrong that shouldnt be?

In this scenario i have no choice but to absolutley put all my trust in him and that he is going to be monitoring the situation closely to be aware of any changes in my reactions etc and to pick up on and handle any unwanted problems that may arise.  

I trust him completley obviously and know without a doubt that he would stop immediatley if something wasnt right or he knew i had really had enough, he knows my responses well enough by now to make good judgement.   I recall a time when he was caning me and i was in subpace or floating as i prefer to call it, he stopped and i was annoyed and asked him to continue as i was so enjoying having my floaty moment.  He wouldnt continue and when i was untied i could understand why, my ass was a mess and bleeding, but because of the headspace i was in i was of course unaware and would have happily carried on.

Bottom line is for us a safeword has no place in our dynamic and the type of power exchange we enjoy but it is important for others whether its used or not....would be damn boring if we were all the same.