Blooming in the sun

Im not sure where this post is heading, i tend to go off course at times.

In the first couple of years of our relationship it was quite fast paced, motivated i think partly by my desire to try all these new and exciting things and although it was not new to him, he 'fed' off my enthusiasm, he has enjoyed exposing me to scenarios that i had only ever fantasised about.

Then before you know it a few years have gone by and although the motivation is still there and i still get excited, its slowed down..im settled now, content, im not constantly seeking the next new thrill as i was in the beginning.

Not saying that i have done everything, thats not it at all, there is a lot more i wish to experience, but i think its similar to that initial sub frenzy stage, being so enthralled by it all because it is new and exciting, and then it does eventually settle down...its not new and shiny anymore.

Doesnt mean i dont enjoy it and crave it, the kink that is, i do, a lot, but it doesnt consume me like it used to, my focus has changed over the last couple of years, i never thought i would get so much pleasure and satisfaction in serving him in ways that are non-sexual and perhaps not kink related.

Heck i get turned on by doing the most mundane things for him, i consider it a treat being allowed to wash him in the shower, kneeling at his feet for no other reason than just because its where i feel i need to be, being given an instruction to do something for him... all these give me the same gratification that endulging in kink does...perhaps more so.

A recent relevation i had especially after us discussing me watching him with another woman and the feelings this provoked in me was that....actually i like monogamy, i have enjoyed the encounters we have had with others in the past..had some great experiences..but i dont want to share him..in any level...not because of jealousy but i enjoy the intimacy of us and i dont want to share that.

Mary Poppins has arrived

So we have this lovely woman coming in 3 times a week to do some general cleaning around the house..and meals ( i think i must have been at a really low point when i agreed to this) and she is lovely and i cant complain about how helpful she is...but

im getting irritable when i watch her do the laundry...i dont fold shirts, i put them straight on to a hanger after ironing,

i polish first, then hoover...she does it the other way around

and she is moving things around in the lounge...putting my book pile onto the bookshelf!...ok im being fussy i know..but the books are on a little table where im working through them and i like them there!

and im trying not to be ungrateful...but when it comes to the home and cleaning im....yeah im anal and ocd..so its difficult.

she makes the most delicious food (i know i shouldnt complain, being cooked for 3 times a week) but im feeling reduntant...

and im not ill, im just having a rough time of it at the moment, but im feeling better, stronger and im ready to reclaim my running of the home..the way i like it.....but everyone else is liking it and i resent them for liking it...and im being petty and childish...telling them when they ask for something to go ask Mary Poppins as she is so bloody brilliant.

did i say that? nope i dont think so

"Do you have a contracted M/s agreement?" and i have jumbled this in with another comment ..kill 2 birds with 1 stone....and yeah sorry for not getting to these earlier..blogging been a bit lapse lately.

No we do not have a contract, never have, i appreciate their usefulness and benefits for those that do, but its not something we ever discussed, personally my thoughts are that i dont see any benefits for us in our relationship to warrant having one.


"I want my limits to be respected I don't want them pushed this does not make me unsubmissive just because you enjoy it doesn't mean everyone should?" 

If you can find and quote me anywhere on my blog where i have stated that not having limits pushed makes one unsubmissive, or indeed anything where i have said that "everyone should be/do xyz" please point it out to me?  if you can then i will humbly apologise.

For me i like having my limits pushed, sometimes not, but being submissive to another, or more accuratley to my Master means its not just about what/when/where i want or feel like submitting, i think a more clearer way of putting it is for us he determines how my submission is demonstrated, submitting is yielding to another...i ask is it submitting if its only things one like and enjoys?  for us the answer would be no.

However apart from rare occassions mostly im happy and get enjoyment from serving him so although the emphasis may be on him and his wants/needs...my needs are getting met albeit in a different context..i want/need to please him.

So limits are important, and absolutley hard limits should be respected.

Im going to sign off by just saying though that 9 years ago i would have been adamant that i would not do let alone enjoy many of the things i do today (in all aspects of our relationship)...and many of those things i needed to be pushed, some i asked for off my own back and others just naturally fell into place.

Own worst enemy

Its been toooooo long since we had any real hard play, i have just been signed off work for 2 weeks because im having trouble getting my blood levels under control and the tablets are making me sick, tired and disorientated...sex is the last thing on my mind.....but what im craving is a really good hard beating...even though im in no fit state mentally and physically to take one at the moment.

But im on a promise, the weekend after i go back to work, we have set aside a weekend all to ourselves (touch wood im going to be more back to 'normal') and he promised me that "there will be blood" and "lots of degrading treatment"....

and those words thrill me, im aching for it, more so at the moment i think because im feeling vunerable because im aware im not in a good state of mind and body..not that he is complaining, its me thats complaining.

But then i have to stop and think, its not all depressing...even though im feeling depressed, there is a lot im thankful for, we, our relationship seems to be going even better, more so i think since i had my conflicts a while back.

Its easy i think sometimes to spend too much time focusing on the negatives and the strengths get overlooked, i have often considered that he is too hard with me at times (in general, not bdsm), he is demanding and exacting in what he wants and expects...and im..well i have realised its me thats been more hard on him and the result of this has just made it more harder for me....being a mouthy sarcastic bitch at times doesnt help much either.

In the years gone, through all the tantrums, refusals to submit, mouthing off, over analysing, reading more into what he says than i should etc..he has been infuriatingly calm, in control and its not fazed him, he has taken it in his stride..his dominance is unwavering....all i have to do it be good and obedient right? because i trust him.

Im thankful for that, even when it does irk me.

Its ok

"The mind is like a parachute, it doesn't work if it isn't open"  Frank Zappa


Having been stuck in hospital (and im a terrible patient, but then who does like hospitals!) gave me time to overthink, to contemplate blogging and i enjoy it, for me and for the interaction, worrying about perceptions is pointless, although it happens from time to time.

In a conversation with the bossman, we spoke of a kink that i enjoy but i find difficult to comply with under direction without being forced in some way...usually a threat of something worse or physical force gets me motivated.

In some scenarios i like to be 'forced' it turns me on, however he would prefer my obedience without force being necessary, apart from perhaps when in bondage, where he wants me helpless and unable to resist.

I have wandered if i like the element of being forced because i can then rationalise that he is the horrible nasty man making me do these things that i have this silly idea of being 'wrong' because perhaps its 'dirty' or heavy s/m and i avoided discussing kink here because of preconcieved ideas.

Even discussing tpe as it applies to our relationship i was becoming wary of because is it so very difficult to understand?  i suppose its been so long now its the norm to me, not being allowed to do things or having to ask permission for what for many is a given im ok with.

I like the structure, the consistencey, the control, its safe. 

Kink doesnt define our relationship, its a part of albeit a huge part of it, but its more than than that, im a mother, a friend, a partner, an employee....im also a slave, a masochist, his slut...all of these matter but they dont define me.

Our relationship isnt complicated, its transparent as i am to him, there is nothing left that i have to hide from him, or would want to, i have succumbed to his dominance/control over me because he inspires me to submit, and its because he does that reminds me that actually all of this is ok.

Poked and prodded

I didnt intend to stay away from blogging this long.

I have been in hospital, went to the doctors with what i thought was a stomach bug and came away with suspected diabeties, very high blood count meant straight to hospital and well stuck there whilst it was got under control.  Just what is their obsession with bowel movements and pee!  i have been poked and prodded with needles, made to pee in countless bottles, examined in places im not sure i needed examining in..the bossmans contribution being "thats my job"!

Thanks for the messages, and i will get around to replying, hospital didnt have internet access for patients and i only got discharged today.

So well now both me and the bossman are diabetic, his being diagnosed a while back, and well im finding it all a bit overwhelming at the moment...and why is it being told i cant have huge amounts of chocolate now makes me want it more hmm.

Pause for thoughts

I have been thinking about this blog (nope im not giving up!) and its purpose, its meant to be a 'safe' place for me to get my thoughts out, some light hearted and some not, i have charted many of our highs and a the lows.

Its been a place to get out my feelings as our relationship has developed, how i have felt about certain things, and there is still much more i want to experience, but relationship wise we are doing great, sure he is really busy at the moment and distracted but im ok with that, im feeling really secure with 'us'...so its left me thinking....about this blog.

I have never wanted this blog to be labelled as a sex blog, although i guess thats dependendent on how its interpreted, i like healthy conversations about M/s, s/m, tpe etc but im really not sure this is the place to do it, not anymore.

I think i just need to re-focus on what i use this blog for, which could turn into rambles that dont make sense.....so business as usual then!

The deleted ones

Ok so i dont mind answering questions if they appear genuine, yes i know i can be sarcastic when i get stupid ignorant comments, but im wary of what i call 'wank fodder' questions..such as

"describe in detail the worst thing he has done to you?"

umm nope i wont, unless you want to come out from hiding behind anonymous then i may consider it...but its unlikely.

And surely i cant be alone but what is it with some peoples assumption that if one is a slave, im a free for all! like

"I would like to borrow and fuck you good like all slaves should be, you would like that wouldnt you whore?"

umm well im not a library book, and im not a whore and i really find it offensive being referred to one.

and then last but certainly not least

"you need a strong Master, email me at imatwat.com (example email address)if you want the real thing"

really, seriously! do you actually expect a response to that, you dear man (and i use that term lightly) its not a case of me wanting the real thing but rather you not being able to handle the real thing....stick to clobberme.com theres a good chap.

Addicted to the afterwards

Its late and im wide awake, catching up on blogs and in replying to a post mouse made on her blog it got me thinking about my masochism, in particular of pain being addictive.

I was asked a while ago in a comment about if i always knew i liked pain, or did it gradually develop (i apologise without trawling through my comments i cant remember who asked).

Before i got with the bossman i had experienced a little of pain activities, spankings with hand, belt, crop and the cane, i liked it, i liked it a lot, and more than he felt comfortable with, i knew i liked that sort of pain but i certainly wouldnt have considered myself masochistic.....i reserved that for videos i had seen of women sufferring the most brutal whippings/canings and torture..i didnt fancy any of that.

I knew before getting involved with the bossman that he was sadistic (from reading his profile) and i found that exciting, arousing and as we talked through emails/phone etc i realised that i could well be out of my depth...it seemed like every question he asked regarding how i felt about a certain implement or activity my reply was "i dont know" and worse i had never heard of!

I remember clearly the first time we 'scened' (im not a great advertisement for what not to do on first meetings) coz we did 'play' on the first time we met and well im still alive! anyway it was just wow, i think he was looking to get an idea of my pain threshold, i knew s/m was important to him.

In a few hours i experienced more s/m and bondage than i did in the months i was with the previous dominant, he used clamps, floggers, cane and riding crop, bound my tits, tied me to the bed, blindfolded never more than i could handle but enough to leave me wanting more.

And he has pretty much stayed consistent with that pattern especially when its been introducing something new, i always seem to end up wanting more after, its like giving me a taste and whetting my appetite so im hungry to do it again.

Not always though sometimes its just about sufferring for his pleasure, he doesnt want me hungry for more, he wants me desperate for it to stop, he loves tears, begging and seeing me struggle and i cant explain why but afterwards when its over, perhaps days, weeks later i want that again, even though i know at the time i dont like it, i crave how it makes me feel afterwards.

Its that i think thats addictive, the emotions after the s/m, the high, the exhaustion, body sore and tender, its just so much better than sex for me, of course yes sometimes there is the 'drop'.

Its probably the drugs

I know i have comments to catch up on, i have blogs to catch up on, im reading them and i have things i want to say but at the moment im content to just read.

Im back to the hospital tomorrow for x rays, my neck and back are really sore, so im barely sleeping, when i am its during the day so at night im pretty much awake all night.

And im feeling sorry for myself because im feeling bloody weak, useless, and if i dont get a kick up the ass it risks heading into depressive territory...and i have been there before.

and i swear if my mother comes around today and moans about how inconvenient it is for her with me being laid up, and that im not grateful enough for her help (which sincerely i didnt ask for and i dont want) because the ulterior motive for her visits is to pick holes in my life...im going to take my crutch and shove it somewhere where she will have something to complain about.