The calm before the storm

 

 

 

 

I really dont know how you can be so calm when im such a bitch at times, im sorry (and yes i know im always sorry) but if i wasnt i wouldnt say it (coz you know im a stubborn cow at times as well), i was out of order and my attitude was disrespectful.

I just cant stand your silence and indifference, it hurts more than anything else you could do.

Protecting one self

It had escaped my notice that there has been controversy recently over an article on CDD which has caused some ripples within the blogger community, some choosing for their blog to go private.  I only came accross this when reading Ward and June's blog and reading said article myself.

We dont practice CDD although discipline plays a part in our relationship, its more from an M/s structure which is different to how i percieve CDD, but it does bring about the issue of privacy and protecting ones self.

What i found uncomfortable about the article was the links it provided to blogs, if i was to come accross my blog in a link on an article slamming the lifestyle i lead then the first thing i would do would be to take my blog down.

The link to article i read

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2013/06/19/spanking-for-jesus-inside-the-unholy-world-of-christian-domestic-discipline.html

In my opinion this is not in any way because im ashamed of the way i live and nor do i think its allowing the media to 'win' its simply about being sensible and keeping safe, the risk of being 'outed' is very small (i would hope) but i also couldnt handle any potential backlash of attracting unwanted attention...and my Master wouldnt want me exposed to that either.

I think there needs to be sense of realism that ttwd in whatever form it may take ie whether it be DD or M/s based, they are generally not lifestyles that are understood from the eyes of those not living it, its also i think realistic to say that abuse does occur within these dynamics also..as it does in any relationship form..vanilla or otherwise....im not suggesting that this makes it ok or acceptable for ttwd to be slammed, its not.

Its conflicting because yes as a community i think its important to stand together, but its also knowing when to pick ones battles wisely, when the media decides to get its claws into something they can be brutal, what once they raved about, because it was 'fashionable' (think 50 shades) they can turn on just as quickly...

Soon they will get bored and they will move onto the next trend etc, but if the spotlight was on M/s or s/m and it was being slammed and they were linking to blogs..of which there may be a risk i could be one of them..you can be damn sure my priority would be protecting myself and avoiding the risk of the ripple effect where those closest to me could be affected.

It might be seen as cowardly, or seen as letting them win....i see it as safeguarding until one knows the lay of the land, i wont put my or those closest to me privacy at risk.

Its kind of bits and bobs

Its my day off...well technically im meant to be working from home..lots of paperwork, assesments, reports to do and im looking at them..but thats as far as i have got, but then its only 9.35 am and i need more coffee.

I never thought i would admit this but Mary Poppins has been a big help, even if her shit doesnt smell to everyone else......traitors!

im pretty sure this is recycled but why is it that i find i have less enthusiasm or inspiration to blog when things are all going really well? because i do have lots on my mind im just brooding on things, heck my draft folder is getting way out of hand....so im throwing out ones that will never get published, and slowly putting out ones that have been...some are kind of old, some im just well im just not happy with them.

and so yeah actually what im doing is putting off what i should be doing, and then later i will be moaning about leaving it until later when i could have had it done hours ago.

Going down

Its been a really busy time at work, ready for breaking up for the summer holidays in a few weeks, plus my son has been finishing up his GCSE's as its his last year at school before starting college in September and my daughter moves up to secondary school in September so they have had lots going on.

My daughter gave me a chuckle when she came home and informed me "mum, you know daniel at school?, his dad is half gay." so a conversation followed about the correct term being bisexual, and an explanation of what this means..i simply explained that its when someone is happy to have a relationship with either a man or a woman..to which she replied..

"why cant they just make their minds up and not be so fussy" and promptly went off to play.
..phew! but it made me think

I dont consider myself bisexual, although the bossman would disagree in that he says i am, and yes i have sexually been with women for his pleasure.  My point of view is that i would not seek out to be with a woman, for a relationship or intimately to be blunt i prefer cock, i can appreciate a good looking woman but i have not felt sexual attraction towards them.

What i have enjoyed on the times i have been with a woman (and its been years) is that its been about my Masters pleasure, he enjoyed watching, he especially enjoyed knowing that i found it distasteful but i would submit to this for him..to please him.

It took me out of my comfort zone, and that turned me on even though i didnt want it to, i wanted to prove to him that i wasnt wired that way, that being with a woman isnt for me, and its not....its simply his control over me and this being a demonstration of a way he could exert that control over me is what did it for me....and still does it for me....i simply enjoy knowing he can exert his will over me, even when i dont want to go where he takes me..wherever that might be...thats my enjoyment.

The road goes where you want it

Its not that i feel a need to defend the Bossman (ref the anonymous comment on last post) but i recognise that for sure it does happen....that submissive women (and men), those with little or no experience do get taken advantage of, in the beginning when starting out it is all new, i do get that one is desperate to put into practice their desires..and there are those out there ready to take advantage of that.

Master is older than me, by 14 years which really i dont consider a huge age gap, i think its perspective, if i was say 18 and he was 32 then yeah if it was my daughter i would have my concerns, but i was in my early 30's with a marriage behind me and rearing 2 children, Master was in his late 40's..so i think that puts that in perspective.

Master was at university when he first came to discover D/s and bdsm, with an older woman, he was 17/18 (he is 52 now) and he subbed to her, he said that he enjoyed it, and what he enjoyed was the power exchange..but he wanted to be on the other end...so he started topping her under her guidence...and thats how he began and continued down this path exploring.

So he started out at a young age, whereas me i was in my late 20's before i took the plunge into discovering this whole new world, being as its the age of the internet that was the obvious place to start, and had a brief dabble in the water with a dominant before meeting Master.

I sought out someone older and experienced on a bdsm website, InformedConsent which alas has now folded, because of my inexperience i naturally wanted someone that had plenty....and well i do like older men, ironically the bossman had tended to go for older woman with experience.....and he got me..Ha!

Has it been easier because of his experience? you know im not sure, in many ways i think yes but then sometimes i wander how nice it must be to start out in ttwd together, both discovering new experiences, but we are how we are...i wouldnt change that....and

no matter how anyone gets *here* as long as they are enjoying their journey together does it really matter who has travelled the longest? no

Its been a wanderful journey...long may it continue to be so

I have read a few posts recently regarding pushing limits, and i know i have blogged about this before.....heck im pretty sure im constantly coming around full circle with this blog.

I started off with the intention of more than likely going over whats already been said...and then....brainwave..i dug out old emails (which i had deleted) but had printed them out as i no longer use the original email address....and ta da i found them (although now i have boxes everywhere!)....now who says im not sentimental lol  It brought back wanderful memories re-reading them.

I entered this relationship and this lifestyle with a little, well a few months experience and a large amount of naivety, Master is the opposite, with over 30 years experience and plenty of confidence and he knew/knows what he wants and expects...me i wasnt so sure, i had a limit list , i knew what i didnt want to try but yet also didnt know what i did want.

Anyways ooh cringing but (and i have had to write this as i have got it to scan but i cant get it to go here..ok yes im crap with computers) here is an old email..crikey dated March 15th 2007.

______________________________________________________________________
Sir,

I have thought over what you said, and i dont know for sure, somethings i had to look on the internet about? can we talk about those? so i have gone with what doesnt interest me at all:

Needles........really scared of this...hard limit
Weights.....dont interest me
Being hit on or around face.....just wrong
Enemas....yuck
Toilet control in general and anything to do with that...yuck
Whips....so many im not sure but im thinking not!
Foot worship....yuck
Clamps down there.....no way
Electrical play....nope
Breath play...too dangerous
Being cut.....same as needles


    ___________________________________________________________


Now, i have experienced everything that is on that list and more, and what makes me chuckle is that the 2 things i really was adamant about not doing especially needles i now absolutley love, they are one of my favourite activities.

So i think sometimes letting things flow is the way to go, some times a push is needed, but mostly im more and more sure that placing limits on oneself is just limiting yourself to the possibilities out there, the potential of new experiences.

No im not saying hard limits shouldnt be respected, but had i stuck to my guns...well....lets just say im so glad he pushed, inspired and encouraged (and the odd moments of being forced)  me to look beyond my fears and embrace new experiences and i hope he continues to do so.

No negotiation, obedience

So this butt plug being inserted daily has been going well, i have enjoyed it, and then he decided its time to progress to the inflatable.....now i do detest this one, its on my list of things i would quite happily get rid of and not miss at all.

Its ok when not pumped up at all, one pump is ok, 2 is managable but getting uncomfortable, 3 (which im up to now) is horrid, its hurting, and i pleaded for mercy, that it was too much, could i stay at 2 pumps for a little while longer? and it was a no, i accepted that initially....coz for the most part i do strive to do as im told.

Yesterday i just couldnt cope with the full 15 mins, it hurt and i took it out before even 10 mins had passed, i informed him of this and got told to put it back in for 10 mins, and i didnt. Of course he asked later if i had done as instructed and i said that i hadnt, i explained that it was hurting and i didnt like it,  and hmm i made the mistake of using negotiation tactics.

I told him how about 10 mins at 2 pumps then 5 mins at 3 pumps, thats fair?

I knew what was coming, i know his trains of thoughts about this "slaves do not negotiate, they obey" (of course this is his expectations, not suggesting this is how it should be!)

Now before its assumed what a mean heartless bastard he is (although i wouldnt argue with that assesment at the moment) he knows, and is correct in his observations, that no i dont like the inflatable, and although its hurting i can handle it, i just dont want to, and im attempting to get out of it simply because i dont like it.

If it was genuinely causing me pain in a way that is not 'good' then he would be the first one to suggest going no further, but this is not the case.

But he does not like his property telling him what to do (i guess the satnav is an exception), he does not like negotiation, if im given an instruction its to be obeyed, unless there is a valid reason why i cannot.

I know this, and sometimes i get my knickers in a twist because i try to find an 'out', sometimes he finds this amusing, as i sit there coming up with all these (in my mind) valid reasons of why perhaps i couldnt or shouldnt do as he has asked.....and he shoots everyone of them down....because what he demands and expects is my obedience.

and sometimes i want to cry that its not fair, and im reminded that this is just the way it is...

and i wouldnt change this, i really wouldnt...but its not always easy, he has my submission, i just need to work on surrendering.....its not 'giving in' as such but rather its acceptance that if i wouldnt change how things are, and im so happy in this relationship then i need to let go....because we both know that ultimatley i will obey...its just up to me whether i make it the easier way or the hard way.