Because i have just started my period and...
he wont have sex with me when im on which i find quite frustrating considering all the stuff we do, he is squicked out by menstural blood..and why is it (please someone tell me in not alone in this) that i tend to feel extra horny when im on!
and he wont even let me cum
and i got a teeny weeny bit stroppy...only a teeny bit and i think..well no i know..he knew if it didnt get knocked on the head the teeny weeny strop would get out of hand and he said "behave" in that tone..you know that tone where you just know its not a good idea to push further...so
i decided to start cleaning at just gone 11pm, its now a quarter past midnight everyone else is asleep and im..im contemplating taking the curtains down and changing them to a summer set..i know! but im wide awake.
and the tv remote has gone missing..do i care? not really but honestly you would think its the end of the world and im getting accused of not taking it seriously! i did offer to hire a private detective if isnt recovered by the end of the week...no-one was amused...serious lack of sense of humour in this house at the moment.
I miss being at work its been crikey nearly 2 months since i have been signed off but im back next week, this whole being at home 24/7 has well and truely lost its novelty...Mary Poppins they are all yours! bet she finds the tv remote.
and some numpty has eaten my secret stash of chocolate which clearly was not as secretly stashed as i thought.....cos im not allowed much now i have some as a treat so often..but of course everyone denies eating it.
Friday, 31 May 2013
Wednesday, 29 May 2013
I think i want this one to stay
For over a week now, started last Monday, im to insert a butt plug in for 15 mins a day, i can choose what part of the day as long as i do it...usually when he is at work and doesnt have time to 'interfere'.
I dont like butt plugs, but for some odd reason the last time we went to have anal sex it hurt, and not a nice hurt kind of way, i mean i actually like it when it is uncomfortable, i prefer to have the minimum amount of lube used or none at all, but this was not a 'nice' hurt, it was painful and he stopped because he picked up that it wasnt 'good'.
It might have just been a one off, i dont know, its not happened before, i love anal, prefer it to 'normal' sex, but anyway its been decided that butt plugs daily are now standard routine for the time being.
Start with a reasonable sized one, and the first few days i really struggled with it, but over a week past its gotten that im comfortable moving around whilst its in, im actually liking it which is not something i have felt before....normally i have tried to avoid having them used because i havent liked them.
What i am finding interesting about it is that during those 15 minutes its focusing me on him (once i got past the negative connatations i had with them from previous experiences), not that i dont at any other times but rather it seems to be reinforcing my submission to him, very similar to other rituals we have, so i guess its becoming a ritual in that respect...and i like rituals, they maintain a sense of being grounded.
I think i want to keep this one.
I dont like butt plugs, but for some odd reason the last time we went to have anal sex it hurt, and not a nice hurt kind of way, i mean i actually like it when it is uncomfortable, i prefer to have the minimum amount of lube used or none at all, but this was not a 'nice' hurt, it was painful and he stopped because he picked up that it wasnt 'good'.
It might have just been a one off, i dont know, its not happened before, i love anal, prefer it to 'normal' sex, but anyway its been decided that butt plugs daily are now standard routine for the time being.
Start with a reasonable sized one, and the first few days i really struggled with it, but over a week past its gotten that im comfortable moving around whilst its in, im actually liking it which is not something i have felt before....normally i have tried to avoid having them used because i havent liked them.
What i am finding interesting about it is that during those 15 minutes its focusing me on him (once i got past the negative connatations i had with them from previous experiences), not that i dont at any other times but rather it seems to be reinforcing my submission to him, very similar to other rituals we have, so i guess its becoming a ritual in that respect...and i like rituals, they maintain a sense of being grounded.
I think i want to keep this one.
Tuesday, 28 May 2013
Just keep the wine and chocolates coming
I went girly shopping with a friend on Saturday, normally i avoid it, she is my closest friend but when it comes to shopping she is one who you can leave in a store, come back 2 hours later and she is more than likely still looking at the same outfit! and it drives me nuts.
However i did need some new clothes and so off we went, there is one particular store i love, if only because you get a glass of wine (or coffee) and chocolates whilst your trying bits on....and well you cant knock that combination..wine, chocs and clothes! but aside from that they do nice clothes and shoes...but most of all they do handbags...and i love bags!
So im sitting there in this area waiting for her as she is in a cubicle trying this dress on, a couple of the assistants are tempting me into buying this outfit that im not sure about when my friend calls out "do you fancy getting your vagina bejewelled?, we could have it done together"
well fair play to the assistants they took in their stride, me i nearly choked on my glass of wine!
Now i have heard of this but other than i think reading about it in passing in a magazine its not something i really have paid much mind to, my immediate response is no, i dont, not that she takes any notice of that (something she has in common with the bossman) and proceeds to natter on about how pretty it would look, all the designs you can get etc etc
Really...well thats all fine and dandy but its not like a pair of new shoes or a new dress is it? its not like your going to say to a friend or a work colleague "do you like my new bejewelled pussy?" and proceed to show it off! no exactly (ok some might!)
Then one of the assistants piped up and said her ex sister in law had it done and said that she found it really sexy and so did her brother...and so now she and my friend (who is still in the cubicle) proceed to have a discussion about sparkly vaginas!
The other assistant is clearly finding this discussion embarrassing and tempts me with another glass of wine and a few more chocolates than i really should have and i end up being talked into (ok didnt take much pursasion) buying a bright red Gucci handbag to go with the dress and shoes i chose for an upcoming family wedding...much safer than sparkly pussys!
However i did need some new clothes and so off we went, there is one particular store i love, if only because you get a glass of wine (or coffee) and chocolates whilst your trying bits on....and well you cant knock that combination..wine, chocs and clothes! but aside from that they do nice clothes and shoes...but most of all they do handbags...and i love bags!
So im sitting there in this area waiting for her as she is in a cubicle trying this dress on, a couple of the assistants are tempting me into buying this outfit that im not sure about when my friend calls out "do you fancy getting your vagina bejewelled?, we could have it done together"
well fair play to the assistants they took in their stride, me i nearly choked on my glass of wine!
Now i have heard of this but other than i think reading about it in passing in a magazine its not something i really have paid much mind to, my immediate response is no, i dont, not that she takes any notice of that (something she has in common with the bossman) and proceeds to natter on about how pretty it would look, all the designs you can get etc etc
Really...well thats all fine and dandy but its not like a pair of new shoes or a new dress is it? its not like your going to say to a friend or a work colleague "do you like my new bejewelled pussy?" and proceed to show it off! no exactly (ok some might!)
Then one of the assistants piped up and said her ex sister in law had it done and said that she found it really sexy and so did her brother...and so now she and my friend (who is still in the cubicle) proceed to have a discussion about sparkly vaginas!
The other assistant is clearly finding this discussion embarrassing and tempts me with another glass of wine and a few more chocolates than i really should have and i end up being talked into (ok didnt take much pursasion) buying a bright red Gucci handbag to go with the dress and shoes i chose for an upcoming family wedding...much safer than sparkly pussys!
Thursday, 23 May 2013
Choice
Those of you who have seen the film Secretary might remember there is a scene in it where a woman hisses to the main female lead "submissive" said in a tone as if its a dirty word, my friend on occasion will use this in reference to me, its become her standard joke, not intended to offend and no offence is taken.
But it made me think (yeah i know!) about the perceptions of being submissive, the apparent conflict with feminism and submitting, there are some people i have no doubt (have come across a few) that hold a view that being submissive equates to being weak, unable to think, act for oneself, and perhaps from some feminists point of view a 'let down' for a woman to submit to a man.
I am not weak, i am not 'less than' because of my submission, i have no conflict with feminism and submitting because i chose this and as far as im concerned there is no conflict, i wanted this and im all the more stronger for it because i have a man that respects my choice, he embraces my submission, i am a woman that is free because i chose this, not coerced or forced.
and if we look at what feminism means:
'
Feminism is a collection of movements and ideologies aimed at defining, establishing and defending equal political, economic and social rights for woman. This includes seeking to establish equal opportunities for woman in education and employment.'
But it made me think (yeah i know!) about the perceptions of being submissive, the apparent conflict with feminism and submitting, there are some people i have no doubt (have come across a few) that hold a view that being submissive equates to being weak, unable to think, act for oneself, and perhaps from some feminists point of view a 'let down' for a woman to submit to a man.
I am not weak, i am not 'less than' because of my submission, i have no conflict with feminism and submitting because i chose this and as far as im concerned there is no conflict, i wanted this and im all the more stronger for it because i have a man that respects my choice, he embraces my submission, i am a woman that is free because i chose this, not coerced or forced.
and if we look at what feminism means:
'
Feminism is a collection of movements and ideologies aimed at defining, establishing and defending equal political, economic and social rights for woman. This includes seeking to establish equal opportunities for woman in education and employment.'
Its about having choice, and having said choices respected, the woman that chooses the career path, and to have no children is no more or less 'valid' than the woman that chooses to be a housewife/mother, so should it not stand to reason that my choice to be in the relationship i am in, to submit, should be respected as well.
Tuesday, 21 May 2013
Time out? no thanks
Im terrible for procastinating and i know these questions have been sitting there waiting to be answered....i can just but apologise..im getting to them, although in my defence some of them are going to spam and i rarely check that folder.....plus blogger is back to hating me at the moment as when i logged in this morning im apparentley not following any blogs..again.
His_christa asked
"Do you ever get time off from being a slave, to do what you like? I mean no disrespect but surely there must be times when you just want time out?"
I think if we look at this in the same light as being parent, the concept is similar...so
Im a mum, i will always be a mother, sometimes im at work, and my children are at school, sometimes they are staying with their father and are not home with me.....however being apart from them doesnt change the fact that i am a mum..im just not 'mothering' at these times.
Does that make sense?
So no i dont get time off, i may not necessarily be 'serving' him directly all the time because of work etc, but his influence, control and dominance surrounds me, i have structures in place eg rules, expectations of how i should behave, i know what he would approve of or not.
Yes there are times when perhaps i really dont feel or want something that he requires of me, although these times dont happen often, but to have 'time out' isnt something i would want, i would find that more distressful than beneficial..i thrive on having structure in place, i like the security that this brings.
But mostly its not in the physical interactions, its how i think....the mindset.
Hope that gives some clarification.
and to add on the end..anon asked
"why do you use obscure titles for your posts?"
I dont always. Im pretty sure i have been asked this before! anyway the simple answer is that it makes it more difficult for search engines to find my blog and thats how i like it.
His_christa asked
"Do you ever get time off from being a slave, to do what you like? I mean no disrespect but surely there must be times when you just want time out?"
I think if we look at this in the same light as being parent, the concept is similar...so
Im a mum, i will always be a mother, sometimes im at work, and my children are at school, sometimes they are staying with their father and are not home with me.....however being apart from them doesnt change the fact that i am a mum..im just not 'mothering' at these times.
Does that make sense?
So no i dont get time off, i may not necessarily be 'serving' him directly all the time because of work etc, but his influence, control and dominance surrounds me, i have structures in place eg rules, expectations of how i should behave, i know what he would approve of or not.
Yes there are times when perhaps i really dont feel or want something that he requires of me, although these times dont happen often, but to have 'time out' isnt something i would want, i would find that more distressful than beneficial..i thrive on having structure in place, i like the security that this brings.
But mostly its not in the physical interactions, its how i think....the mindset.
Hope that gives some clarification.
and to add on the end..anon asked
"why do you use obscure titles for your posts?"
I dont always. Im pretty sure i have been asked this before! anyway the simple answer is that it makes it more difficult for search engines to find my blog and thats how i like it.
Friday, 17 May 2013
I will follow you anywhere
Been editing this for a few days now, been putting off posting it, i should have just left it as it was, but when it comes to journalling s/m im wary as of late, its when im most likely to get the judgemental anonymous comments, but i figured i can just write about some of it not all...besides somethings are just not for sharing!
Now where was i...ahh yes on the cross.
The first few blows of the crop was on my tits, he does love marking them up and as they are bound they bruise much more easily without much effort, its when he starts aiming at the nipples i start moaning, and the damn gag in im drooling, i dont like that.
He moves a large rectangular, standing mirror and positions it opposite me, so i can see myself, see the crop impacting and the marks it leaves, he picks up the clover clamps, taunting "where shall I put these? he moves them to my tits and im shaking my head protesting, i know it will be worse as they are bound and sore "no?" he states, "your cunt then"
Grabbing my labia he attaches them the initial bite causing me to cry out, "hmm something is missing" he muses, "perhaps some weights on them" and this makes me immediatley start to struggle against my bonds, i dont want them, really dont want them, he chuckles and moves to pick up the crop again.
Using the crop continually, working its way all over my front, no part escaping its attention, and he is telling me to look at myself in the mirror, to see the marks, the cuts on my breasts, the drool dribbling down my chin, and i dont, i look down anywhere but at my reflection, "are you ashamed?" he asks, i nod, i dont want to see myself looking the way i do.
He removes the gag, and i ask for the hood, and he obliges. Being hooded i find it easier to 'escape', to get to that blissful place where im just floating, it also highlights the other senses, makes me more sensitive to them, and it emphasis my vunerability and that i love. He also removes the binds from my breasts.
Nothing for a while, and i wander if he is standing there observing me, im waiting for whats next, fear, excitement filling me, and then crack a whip strikes accross my tits, im not handling this too well, its not the bullwhip i think im sure of that, its my nemises the dressage whip...i really hate that thing, lash after lash falls, tits, stomach and thighs getting the attention, and the tears fall inside the hood as the sensations are all too much.
After what seems such a long time he removes the hood, picks up the bullwhip and it strikes following the same pattern as the dressage whip, welts criss-cross my body, and for the first time ever i float...i have never reached sub-space with the whip before, and head back i embrace each lash, i turn my head to him and we have this look between us..fuck i love this man so much..and to see the pleasure im giving him is worth the sufferring.
He takes me down, we move to the sofa, sat at his feet, coming down from the high, i needed that, and im just shocked at myself that i was able to get to that floaty place, im happy now just to rest, enjoying his caresses, we perhaps stay like this for half an hour......
"time to mark your ass up now" as he leads me to the spanking bench.
Now where was i...ahh yes on the cross.
The first few blows of the crop was on my tits, he does love marking them up and as they are bound they bruise much more easily without much effort, its when he starts aiming at the nipples i start moaning, and the damn gag in im drooling, i dont like that.
He moves a large rectangular, standing mirror and positions it opposite me, so i can see myself, see the crop impacting and the marks it leaves, he picks up the clover clamps, taunting "where shall I put these? he moves them to my tits and im shaking my head protesting, i know it will be worse as they are bound and sore "no?" he states, "your cunt then"
Grabbing my labia he attaches them the initial bite causing me to cry out, "hmm something is missing" he muses, "perhaps some weights on them" and this makes me immediatley start to struggle against my bonds, i dont want them, really dont want them, he chuckles and moves to pick up the crop again.
Using the crop continually, working its way all over my front, no part escaping its attention, and he is telling me to look at myself in the mirror, to see the marks, the cuts on my breasts, the drool dribbling down my chin, and i dont, i look down anywhere but at my reflection, "are you ashamed?" he asks, i nod, i dont want to see myself looking the way i do.
He removes the gag, and i ask for the hood, and he obliges. Being hooded i find it easier to 'escape', to get to that blissful place where im just floating, it also highlights the other senses, makes me more sensitive to them, and it emphasis my vunerability and that i love. He also removes the binds from my breasts.
Nothing for a while, and i wander if he is standing there observing me, im waiting for whats next, fear, excitement filling me, and then crack a whip strikes accross my tits, im not handling this too well, its not the bullwhip i think im sure of that, its my nemises the dressage whip...i really hate that thing, lash after lash falls, tits, stomach and thighs getting the attention, and the tears fall inside the hood as the sensations are all too much.
After what seems such a long time he removes the hood, picks up the bullwhip and it strikes following the same pattern as the dressage whip, welts criss-cross my body, and for the first time ever i float...i have never reached sub-space with the whip before, and head back i embrace each lash, i turn my head to him and we have this look between us..fuck i love this man so much..and to see the pleasure im giving him is worth the sufferring.
He takes me down, we move to the sofa, sat at his feet, coming down from the high, i needed that, and im just shocked at myself that i was able to get to that floaty place, im happy now just to rest, enjoying his caresses, we perhaps stay like this for half an hour......
"time to mark your ass up now" as he leads me to the spanking bench.
Thursday, 16 May 2013
Falling down
It had been a long time since he has had reason to punish me, last December in fact, sure the odd reprimands since then but otherwise its been all good, up until i had a blow out the other evening.
I refused outright to obey him, he had instructed me to bend over the bend for a caning and i didnt want one, this is unusual because well i love the cane, its my implement of choice, but i had not long had a few strokes and i didnt respond well to them as i normally do.
So i said "no" and i meant it, i was not going to have anymore and i got up, rushed into the bathroom and locked myself in...i suppose it could be seen as quite comical if it wasnt for the fact that he doesnt like disobedience and he sure as hell doesnt like being told no.
He calmly told me to open the door, and initially i wouldnt, i knew what would be waiting for me when i did and i didnt want it, but then in all of this i felt so bad, behaving the way i was and not knowing why i was acting like it, because its not like me.
It wasnt just the actual disobedience, there was more to it than that (which i dont want to go into) im ashamed to admit that my behaviour was awful, how i spoke to him was disrespectful, i behaved like a stroppy teenager not getting what i wanted, how i wanted and the caning was just the straw that broke the camels back...i refused to obey because i was being petulant.
Of course i had to come out the bathroom, and i got to my knees as i unlocked the door, this guilt just washing over me, sorry, sorry over and over, he didnt say much, and thats horrid, we went to bed, it would be discussed and dealt with the following day...and thats not normal...usually its get it out the way and addressed with asap.
I always have to explain to him why im being punished, so there is a very clear understanding of why, and it simply wasnt just about refusing to obey, its understanding why, what triggered it and how i could have handled myself differently...what have i learnt.
He brought out a tawse, which i have had on my ass before, he said that as i had behaved in a childish way i would be punished as children once were, and told me to hold out my hands. He has never punished me in this manner before..i have never had my palms struck before full stop.
Its horrid! i got 4 on each palm and they left their mark, after 2 i buckled and was pleading for mercy, but that wasnt happening, without a doubt out of the physical punishments i have ever gotten this was the worst.
Unusually as well, im still beating myself up over it, when generally once its been dealt, its forgiven, move on, but im finding it difficult on this occassion. Not in anyway because i begrudge the punishment, i deserved it, but rather that i should have known better than to behave the way i did, its pointless dwelling on it, its done, move on.
I think its a combination of after having had such a great weekend, the punishment has sort of tainted that, or rather more accuratly my behaviour has, its like when i do disappoint him in this way it lowers his expectations of me and that hurts more than the punishment itself.
I refused outright to obey him, he had instructed me to bend over the bend for a caning and i didnt want one, this is unusual because well i love the cane, its my implement of choice, but i had not long had a few strokes and i didnt respond well to them as i normally do.
So i said "no" and i meant it, i was not going to have anymore and i got up, rushed into the bathroom and locked myself in...i suppose it could be seen as quite comical if it wasnt for the fact that he doesnt like disobedience and he sure as hell doesnt like being told no.
He calmly told me to open the door, and initially i wouldnt, i knew what would be waiting for me when i did and i didnt want it, but then in all of this i felt so bad, behaving the way i was and not knowing why i was acting like it, because its not like me.
It wasnt just the actual disobedience, there was more to it than that (which i dont want to go into) im ashamed to admit that my behaviour was awful, how i spoke to him was disrespectful, i behaved like a stroppy teenager not getting what i wanted, how i wanted and the caning was just the straw that broke the camels back...i refused to obey because i was being petulant.
Of course i had to come out the bathroom, and i got to my knees as i unlocked the door, this guilt just washing over me, sorry, sorry over and over, he didnt say much, and thats horrid, we went to bed, it would be discussed and dealt with the following day...and thats not normal...usually its get it out the way and addressed with asap.
I always have to explain to him why im being punished, so there is a very clear understanding of why, and it simply wasnt just about refusing to obey, its understanding why, what triggered it and how i could have handled myself differently...what have i learnt.
He brought out a tawse, which i have had on my ass before, he said that as i had behaved in a childish way i would be punished as children once were, and told me to hold out my hands. He has never punished me in this manner before..i have never had my palms struck before full stop.
Its horrid! i got 4 on each palm and they left their mark, after 2 i buckled and was pleading for mercy, but that wasnt happening, without a doubt out of the physical punishments i have ever gotten this was the worst.
Unusually as well, im still beating myself up over it, when generally once its been dealt, its forgiven, move on, but im finding it difficult on this occassion. Not in anyway because i begrudge the punishment, i deserved it, but rather that i should have known better than to behave the way i did, its pointless dwelling on it, its done, move on.
I think its a combination of after having had such a great weekend, the punishment has sort of tainted that, or rather more accuratly my behaviour has, its like when i do disappoint him in this way it lowers his expectations of me and that hurts more than the punishment itself.
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