Wanting

I want to be good i do, im trying really hard to be good i am, he likes obedience and i like obeying but right now i want a hard caning more than i want to be good! but he wont be manipulated so im going to be good....its not like i have much choice anyway.....the alternative wouldnt be good.

Health spas are worse than dungeons!

A close friend of mine a few months ago suggested we should have a morning at a health club i didnt take much notice its not really something that gets me excited, i should have took more notice because apparently she took my disinterest as a yes and booked us in.

So this morning i have had my nails done (and got told off because i bite them), i have had goo plastered on my face which burned i swear my skin shouldnt be this red! i have had hands kneading my back and now im aching in more places than i ever have done, had aromatherapy oils rubbed into my skin which it turns out i have an allergic reaction to so the end product is i now resemble something out of bad horror film not that i could do much chasing cos im seriously aching!....oh but my nails are looking nice.

Im not a girly girl, i was not happy about all this pampering i did moan a little whilst mate was lying there loving every minute, and just when i thought it couldnt get any worse she announced she had booked us in for a bikini wax.....ok problem there...there is nothing to wax (Master prefers me bare).

So she knows a fair bit of about our dynamic and its not like its the worst of things, so i whispered as discretley as possible that im shaved completley, now that should have been the end of that but no not my mate she has to give her opinion and it goes on and on...thankfully the 2 ladies doing the massage are very discrete although i suspect they had a good gossip when we left.

"what do you mean your shaved.....whats he done to you now, have you got marks down there is that it?" oh give me patience he hasnt done anything its what he likes and then it continues along the vein of proceeding to tell me i should tell him exactly what to do with his preferences (submissive she most definitley is not).

So what did i learn? that i dont like health spas.

Getting over the shame

I dont talk about sex a lot this stems i think from my mum whom when i was growing up was very reserved about sex it was my dad who gave me the sex talk the closest my mum got was saying it was for making babies..end of discussion, even now my mum finds it very uncomfortable if sex is brought up in any form ie even on the television...she will leave the room.  It has taken me a long time to be comfortable with myself sexually, Master is the first person i have felt comfortable being naked around but even now i get moments of shame that i shouldnt be doing this and to admit i find something desirable is difficult for me.

I get embarrassed about expressing what i would like and often Master has to prompt me to get me to admit that i do like something and that it does turn me on, i have often joked with him saying that he has corrupted me with how far he has taken me but he says its been in me all along it just needed bringing out i just need to start accepting that and i am....slowly.

We discussed this recently and he said "I am not going anywhere, I am planning on hurting and using you for a very long time, I want to see how far into depravity and agony you can go"  this sent shivers down my spine, shivers of fear but also excitment.  But i also feel shame and guilt because its not right to want this and i will follow him wherever he wants to take me, he knows me, he knows what makes me tick even when i cant admit it.

So the sex, the sex is good very good, i get turned on by i suppose you could say the more strange things i guess although im pretty sure im not alone in them...i hope.  He sent me a text saying he had a treat for me, i got all excited wandering what it was, would i like it..i should do he said it was a treat!
He had been to the gym and was all sweaty and the treat was he was going to let me worship his body before he showered and yes this was my treat...i love worshipping him but i especially love it when he is sweaty it turns me on big time getting to lick him all over.

But i would never have asked or admitted that i do love this and would want to do it, he knew i would, i loved exploring every inch of his body with my tongue and im going to admit i climaxed whilst doing so....i think thats progress admitting that..for me it is.

Nipple piercings

I have for a while now thought about having my nipples pierced, Master seems indifferent to the idea of course if he wanted them done then they would be but its not something he seems enthusiastic about.  I have mentioned it to him a while back now and he said "perhaps" that seems to be his standard response when he is indifferent to something.

Its the healing time afterwards that puts me off, from what i have read it can take weeks (ok so im still working on the patience) im also concerned if it would effect the sensitivity of the nipples as they are now they are very sensitive.  I have spoken to someone who had their clit pierced and they regretted it as they have since found it very difficult to reach orgasm even with direct stimulation, i know its a different part of the body but i can orgasm from intense nipple play/ torture and i would be gutted to lose that.....i would want to know if this is likely or do they make them more sensitive!

I do find nipple piercings visually appealing and erotic as well as the potential for s/m purposes, i think i may well broach the subject with him again, tempt him with ideas of the possibilites they could provide.

Just because......

I am going to buy a punching bag you know the ones like you see boxers using, im going to hang it up in the shed and punch the living daylights out of it.....failing that i will go and buy the biggest most chocolatiest cake i can find and eat it all by myself.

As time goes by.....

Im not the most patient of people but im learning albeit slowly that sometimes the best achieved progress is slow progress, in the beginning of our relationship i wanted to experience everything  as soon as possible that i was curious about and i expected it to all come easily.  In the beginning its really intense and although i dont think that intensity ever completley goes away it does i think become more managable, more realistic.

Thankfully he has been and still is very patient with me and i dont think sometimes i have appreciated that as much as i should because geez i know how insufferable i can be especially in my over analysing moments.  I have put un-necessary pressure on myself over my need to excel at everything and when it doesnt go as well as i thought it should i end up being on a downer, it has to stop, the only expectation he has where this is concerned is that i try my best and that is progress enough.

You would think the longer you are together the easier it would be, that would be logical right?  i think its more that you encounter a lot more different challenges of any given nature, some planned and some out of the blue and its how you manage these challenges that will either strengthen or weaken the relationship.

If its possible i respect him more now than i did before i think mostly because as the years have gone by and we have had different challenges his control and dominance over me has been constant.  So im going to try to be more patient, to stop over analysing and just let it happen...what will be will be but no matter what.....he will be here.

Consistency

I need consistency, it makes me feel more secure knowing that there are firm boundries in place of what he will and wont tolerate, if i try to push these boundries i end up getting frustrated and occasionally prone to displays of what can only be described as childish behaviour but he always stands firm and even through my frustration there is relief that he doesnt give in.....he stays consistent.

Im not proud of myself when i behave this way and im not about to make excuses of why i do, its not that he doesnt expect me to act up ever but he does expect me to behave like an adult and thats not an unreasonable expectation.   Some might say he is too hard on me when i do behave in a stroppy manner and he does come down on me hard and i dont mean in a physical sense but rather he makes his disappointment very clear but worse it lowers his expectations of me.

Sometime its bad enough that im punished and i have deserved it, i have needed the punishment as a form of catharsis, its never ignored completely that would be worse than anything for me because i need the consistency of knowing that i cant and shouldnt be allowed to get away with behaving in a manner he doesnt like.

I find when im pissed off at him, i need to contain that emotion rather than engaging mouth before brain and when im feeling calm then discuss why im pissed off in a reasonable manner.  Of course sometimes it doesnt always go that way and if he senses it is then he steps in firmly and i get a warning that im on the edge of going to far.

Its funny when he set this blog up for me he said i was free to write what i like even at times i was pissed off i could rant at or about him and he would let it go (within reason) and in the beginning there were a few what i shall call 'tantrum posts'.  They have tapered off and mostly if im honest its because im concious of how the way i behave and what i say is a reflection on him, that doesnt mean i dont have stroppy days and moments i do but im learning to deal with them more effectively....its slow progress.