a response

After having read the first comment left on my blog it did disturb me that i was perceived as having low self esteem and lacking in self confidence, but after reading through a few of my recent posts i can see how this could of been interpreted to appear this way, and as this is my blog i want to rectify that once and for all.

Im 32 years old, of sound mind, reasonably intelligent and know myself well enough to know what is right for me. My vanilla life is good, i have a good family network, great friends, a job im very happy in and good at, to dispel any thoughts that i dont have a "normal" life i figured i should point out that indeed i do lead a very normal everyday life, full most likely of the same shit that everyone has, but this blog isnt about my "vanilla" life it is about my relationship with my Master which although is not able to be 24/7 living together is just as important to me and i dont switch off from being His slave when we are not together, i am always His slave.

Im not going to go down the route of what a slave should be or how they should behave because it may well differ from one person to the next, what matters to me is what He expects from me, i have said before that i chose to be His slave but it wasnt something i just one day announced or decided, it was more a natural progression which happened very quickly. Initially it was me that chose to give up my safeword there was no pressure from Him to do so, not that im against them but this is about what was right for me and really was the start of me becoming His slave. I strongly believe that it was the right decision and have no regrets, i admit the enormity of what being His slave meant did not really hit me until the moment i was put in a situation i would rather not have been in and didnt want to do. The situation that comes to mind is the first time we "played" with another couple which is something i was very apprehensive about, the male in the couple was of very large build to the point of being obese and was certainly not someone i was attracted to in any way at all.

We met in a pub to have dinner, all four of us, and it was pleasant enough as the evening progressed the decision was made to go back to theirs if all was happy with that. The point of whether i would be happy to go back to their place was not discussed between my Master and myself because it was irrelevant, it was His decision to make if there was any doubt of my level of submission to Him it would have first been apparrent then, i could have expressed my distate for the man and declined to go ahead, out of politeness i could have waited until i was in the car alone with my Master to express that i had no interest but i didnt and the thought of doing so did not cross my mind. The point is i was not bullied and certainly not dragged kicking and screaming into this situation, i knew beforehand that this moment would arrive, we discussed my concerns and fears, my driving force was like any submissive/slave and that is the desire and need to please.

As our relationship has progressed and deepened so too has my level of submission, and im discovering more about myself that is sometimes scary but mostly is liberating. I dont understand why i am like i am, i stopped trying to figure that out a long time ago, im a masochist (dictionary definition: "a person who gains sexual gratification through pain, deprivation or degredation") and i fit that description, the more pain im in the more aroused i am even when its pain i dont like and would rather not have. What i do like though is enduring the pain and often i berate myself for not being able to take as much as i would like and what He would like to give, i love the adrenilin rush of being scared and vunerable, the more horrible He is the more excited i am.

I suppose where it may be difficult to understand and could be misinterpreted is that i enjoy having to do things i dont like, which as i type this i know does not make much sense so i can only try to explain as best as i can. My primary enjoyment is being dominated, the less control i have the more secure and content i am. An example is my dislike for going down on a women, i havent enjoyed the act itself (and could happily not have to do it again) but having to do it because its what He enjoys fulfills my need for being dominated and for as long as i feel controlled at these times i can endure it, and this applies to other activities i dont like. Overall i am happy but (there is always a but) these are my needs and His are what comes first but the point to remember is that if i did not have these needs then i wouldnt be here, because to fill my needs/desires means submitting to His, that is the core of the relationship and what it is built upon.

The reality is sometimes its not nice, i dont like Him very much when He is doing something to me im not liking, i get upset, i think He is being unreasonable, but if it wasnt this way then it would only be my needs getting met, which is not how it should be and defines the difference (in my opinion) between slave and sub, i cannot and do not want the choice of what He does to me and when it stops. He is a sadist (look that up yourself in a dictionary if you need to) so obviously some of His enjoyment comes from inflicting pain on me and yes especially pain i dislike, im not "beaten up" im beaten and if i happen to enjoy it, which i do on occassions thats a bonus if i dont well thats just too bad.

What i do know though at these times is i may well be hurting and suffering but im safe, i know this because i trust His judgement, His ability but most of all i know He would never damage me, hurt me yes and there is a difference. Think of it as having a favourite very expensive car, you enjoy using it a great deal and therefore you want to be able to use it again and again, so it needs to be taken care of after each use. He has never beaten me in anger, He has never had to shout or lose His temper in order to gain my complience, on the times i verbally resist He is firm and in control this calms me and i submit willingly. That being said we are both human and errors can be made on both our parts, i struggle with my submission at times and this manifests itself in a number of ways, i can be stroppy, insecure and worst of all disrespectful. As His slave His expectations of me are not unrealistic, to be obedient, loyal and respectful comes to mind, when i falter i look to Him to correct me because i want and need to please Him and also because i want to better myself.



On the flip side of the coin however, there is no shortage of comfort, support and cuddles, in fact its me who has asked Him to beat me and then leave me for a period of time (when i say leave i mean in the context of being made to stay in postion and ignored) because it appeals to my fondness for degredation and dehumanisation (this is something i should add that as yet He has never done). The only time i get no immediate comfort or words of encouragment is when i am being punished and nor at those times would i deserve or should expect it as it would be my poor behaviour that has got me punished in the first place. Which leads to the point of what prompted me to write this post in the first place.


I spoke to Him extremely disrespectfully, there is no excuse for my behaviour, that is not to say i am not allowed to express my feelings as i am as long as it is done in a respectful way and mindful of my place as His slave, i failed on both these counts. I was given a punishment at home and when next we meet 150 strokes of the whip, i then soon after masturbated without permission and was made worse by the fact that it was just after i had been granted permission to masturbate as i took my punishment well, the strokes have then been increased to 300.


This may well seem over the top but i pushed Him too far and now i face the consequences, of course im scared its going to bloody hurt a lot and is far more than what i know i can handle, but i know its no more than what i deserve and need. Previous punishments for similar offences have not had the desired effect, it is severe but i only have myself to blame, not only have i disappointed Him but i let myself down.

To finish off, should it ever get to the point where He feels the need to send me to someone else to punish me, that would probably be the point in which i walk away because i would see that as being a rejection and that i couldnt and wouldnt cope with.

At the end of the day im really not concerned with what others may think of my relationship with Him, i shouldnt have to explain myself to people that i dont know and nor do they know me.

masturbating

The whipping has increased from 150 strokes to 300 as i masturbated without His permission. This is something i have a problem with and i know He is exasperated with me but i know i can do it (ie stop doing it) i think personally i have got better than what i was and overall i think im getting improving but in this specific area i struggle. I think its like a habit and bad habits generally are conquered with changing particular patterns that make a habit a habit, i have always from late teens masturbated frequently, i guess on average a couple times a week sometimes more, so i need to break that mould which i have to a certain extent. When i think about it, its a bit like smoking, when we first met i smoked but He asked me if i would give it up, which i did, however on the very odd occassion i will have one but i can now go months without one and its similar to my masturbating. I think maybe by not being able to ask to masturbate and by only being allowed to on the rare occassion such as when we are together i could break the pattern, it seems the more im allowed to (which He generally does allow me to when i ask) i seem to mess up, i wander if this would work?

As it it stands should i do so again He says He will find someone locally to punish me, which naturally im completley against because i would hate it, but i dont think this is the answer im more inclined to try the method of not having very often and having them as a reward only. This i think would be far more effective as it would break the pattern that i have gotten into plus the longer in between orgasms the more intense they are.

He has suggested that should anyone read this blog (some must do occassionaly as i get the odd comment) that they may have suggestions on ways i could be punished. Im not sure i like this idea but its what i have been instructed to put (see i can do as im told most of the time, im not really bad).

punishment

I have had part of my punishment this lunchtime, He texted me to make sure i had everything ready which i did have, butt plug was out and glass of my piss, for once i wasnt looking forward to Him phoning. When He called i had to confirm why i was being punished and that i accepted that i deserve it then i was instructed to put the butt plug in, it was uncomfortable as it was and hadnt yet been inflated but then its always been that way, for some reason i just cant handle the inflatable plug which i find strange as i have enjoyed having bottles up my ass. I had 4 pumps altogether, its hard to describe the pain but its constant in that it doesnt fade, for as long as the plug is in it hurts and is very uncomfortable, makes me feel very nauseous. I was crying but then i was worked up before He phoned but i knew i would especially when He verbally expresses His disappointment and He made it clear that should i speak to Him in a disrespectful manner again i will get the plug inflated a lot more and He couldnt care less whether i bled or not.

I then had to drink my piss, it smelled disgusting and tasted just as bad, i figured the best way would be to take big mouthfuls instead of prolonging it by taking sips, after 2 mouthfuls i tried to ask for no more but He wasnt having any of it so 3 more mouthfuls and it was down, the aftertaste was disgusting. I asked if i could remove the plug but He wouldnt let me for the time being and it was hurting i think if it wasnt for the distraction of the butt plug i would have found it a lot harder to drink the piss but because i wanted the plug out as soon as possible i knew i had to drink it quick.

When He did allow me to take it out, He made me clean it using my mouth, i can accept all of the above because i knew i deserved it but i dont think i deserved to have to do that, and that has upset me.

Im not sure how i feel at the moment, upset and alone comes to mind, anyway i think a bath and a couple glasses of brandy will be nice just about now. I cant think clearly at the moment probably would of been better writing this later.

monday

I crossed the line really badly with Him on Saturday by speaking to Him very disrespectfully, i dont have any excuses, i have my reasons of what caused me too but they are private, basically i let my emotions get the better of me.

Im not very good with keeping my emotions in check, i need to realise and remember that my feelings, happiness etc are not important and that only His pleasure is, i have to try harder because i pushed Him too far and will be severely punished.

Tomorrow as part of my punishment i will have to drink a glass of my own piss and when we are together next i will be whipped on bottom, back and breasts, 50 strokes on each. Im scared but its what i deserve because im not good and He could do a lot better than me really.

im sorry im a disapointment Sir and i do love you

spoons, canes and plugs!!

I will never underestimate the use of kitchen tools again, in fact its becoming clear to me there is no need to spend a fortune in a bdsm shop when the kitchen provides a lot cheaper array of torturous implements. There was a fairly largish wooden spoon which He decided to use and my god that bastard thing was agony that i was squirming desperatley to get away in minutes and i mean 1 or 2 minutes literally. It was made worse by the fact that i absolutley detest being laid over His knee and i even said i would rather be bent over the chair which just landed me harder smacks, well thats if they could have possibly got any harder. The thing is i know there is no way i would have stayed in postion if i was made to bend over a chair because He had to hold me down as it was and i have never struggled as much as i did then, one thing i am sure of is i think its highly unlikely i would like paddles if the wooden spoon is anything to go by. Also usually He uses His hand first and when He does move onto using an implement its usually pretty moderate to start this time the bastard just when straight in with the goddam spoon and the difference is very telling...no warm up and it bloody hurts a lot more.



Now the cane is different altogether, i think it will always be my favourite when im relaxed and the strokes are moderately spaced i can "float" and the pain no longer registers and i love it, although it doesnt take much to bring me out of that state of bliss if the strokes suddenly become more forceful or the pace they are applied changes then it throws me and the pain starts kicking in immediatley. I would like to try having more regular canings over a course of a weekend because sometimes after a caning even when He ends them with harder strokes if given a rest of 15/20 mins i want it again. Because i do tend to enjoy the cane and i want to be able to take harder canings i would rather it was not used as punishment because i dont want to taint my enjoyment of it because im realistic enough to realise that should He want to really cause me a great deal of pain with it He could and would.

Then we move onto something horrible again...the inflatable butt plug which is just well horrible, not in a painful way but rather really uncomfortable to the point it makes me feel sick which is not a pleasant feeling at all. To make it worse He made me spread my own ass so He could insert it which was humiliating in a way i didnt like, i did deflate and remove it without His permission hoping for some insane brief moment He wouldnt put it back in but He did of course, and He pulled it out when it was pumped up which did hurt but at that point i couldnt care less i just wanted the damn thing out.

needles

I got needles put in my nipples, didnt think i would like it now i know i dont like it, it fucking hurts in a sharp way and it lingers longer than when needles are just inserted into my tits, i wasnt restrained which made it worse in my mind as i prefer to be in a position that i have to accept what He does rather than attempt to resist. I did put up a minor struggle at first, i think what surprises me looking back on it is that i didnt throw a verbal tantrum but i never do when im actually face to face with Him im too scared, but it has highlighted to me that i still struggle with obeying immediatly in some circumstances and this is something im not sure how to overcome, although it does tend to be when its something new.


I didnt like Him very much when He did it and especially when He asked me if i wanted the needle in the other nipple as it was a pointless question, as much as i wanted to say no i knew He would be disappointed and contrary to what He may think i do try hard to please Him so i had to say yes. I was infuriated because He felt between my legs and i knew He was doing it to make a point that if i was wet then i must have enjoyed it and with stimulation i did orgasm but im not even going there. Im struggling to exactly put into words what i feel about it, because im not sure if im just having a minor sulk that He did it. It hurt taking them out as well, i was standing in the bath slowly pulling them out when it would have probably been better just to pull them out fast but i tend to not go about things the easiest way. What i am sure about is i dont like it, would be happy not to have it done again but thats very unlikely.

punishment

Well another weekend over with Him and as usual it was very good, albeit i didnt think so at some moments, not going to write in any particular order just what comes to mind as i go, which has to be needles really and my punishment because those are what i was dreading the most.

I wasnt really well behaved when it came to my punishment, from the moment He told me what it was going to be (20 lashes of whip on back and 10 needles in my ass) i was trying my upmost to get out of it, which i promised myself and Him i wouldnt do but nevertheless i attempted to sway Him but He wasnt budging. However (i cant believe im going to write this, but the point of this blog is to be truthful..so here it goes) the whipping wasnt that bad, certainly didnt hurt as much as when He previously used it on my back and not even as much as a wooden spoon He used when we arrived (but i will get to that in a bit). I wouldnt go as far as saying i enjoyed it because i didnt..it did hurt but nowhere near as much as i was expecting it to considering it was a punishment. I didnt get the needles either which at the time i was happy about but i think in hindsight He should have used them because by not doing do so it has only reinforced my belief that my pleading paid off. He chose not to use them because i had behaved well during the whipping which i did with some amazement but really in my mind i should anyway so in effect i was rewarded for taking a punishment well but yet thats no more than what should be expected of me.

Also though i think because i had convinced myself it was going to be really, really horrible and He would be really cruel and i was getting myself worked up over it, when He did whip me (oh i am so fucked when He reads this) it was bearable, i needed to be punished severely and i wasnt well not as much as i deserved to be considering the "list" of my wrongdoings especially the persistant masturbating and touching myself without permission. For my own peace of mind i needed to be repentent and more importantly to have it be enough of a deterrent to not want to have to endure the same punishment or worse again but im not sure it was enough. I dont mean that in the respect that im going to blatantly repeat my unwanted behaviour because i want to be a good slave and i want to improve so its not a case of me thinking im off the hook to do it again but when i do disobey or disappoint Him i need to know that i will not like the consequences one little bit.

A lot to write so will be more posts.