Going down the rabbit hole

Anon asked

"Do you ever worry how far your masochism will go or take you?  and how much more you may mentally desire compared to what your body/skin can tolerate.  If today it is 1 needle, tomorrow will it be 10, 20, 100?  Without the care from a good dominant to say, no enough, do you ever wander how far the rabbit hole will go?"

I used to worry about it a lot in the beginning when i realised and accepted my masochism, perhaps because it was all so new and i was discovering all these things that excited me, turned me on, that yes it would worry me about how far i would go.

I still do at times now, but those moments are fleeting, i wander perhaps this is a common train of thought for most masochists?

Mentally there are certainly times i desire more that what my body/skin can take, an example of this is back a while ago when my Master was caning me.

Im very receptive to the cane (most of the time) and can take a severe caning, usually slip into subspace quite easily and when i do, its almost like i cross the pain barrier, it just no longer hurts, its more of a pleasant thuddy sensation.

This particular time i was floating in my own little world whilst the caning continued, then i realised the caning had stopped, i was annoyed, i was enjoying the sensations, i wanted more, i asked for more, but he refused which quite frankly pissed me off, i begged that i could take more, still he would not...and mentally i could have taken more...but

physically i could not, which i realised when he released me from the table and i looked in the mirror, my ass/thighs were a bloody mess, literally a bloody mess, much more caning and the risk of permanent damage would have been high.

So thinking about what you said about if today it is 1 needle, tomorrow will it be 10 etc (which btw, as i love needles, 1 would never be enough and nor would 10 lol) i do think elements of s/m can be addictive, or rather the sensations that come along with certain activities.

So if indeed these are sensations that one derives pleasure from, and enjoys the activity it stands to reason that one will seek more, or perhaps as it is in my case, i do tend to want to seek out new edges, to find a new high, and the s/m spectrum is so diverse i could keep going for a long, long time.

When or if it gets to a point that my Master, and myself to a certain extent, no longer finds enjoyment from engaging in such activities, then that is when it will stop.

Thankfully i consider my Master a good dominant, and he is an experienced sadist so i try not to worry about how far down the rabbit hole i will go, because i know i have him as my safety harness and he will say "no, enough", but yes i think if i was in different hands, that of a dominant that really didnt give a care about my mental or physical well being then i could potentially be dropped down the rabbit hole a lot further than i could emotionally/physically handle.

Thanks for the question, i hope my reply answered it sufficiently.

Privacy

Thanks for the help, a lot of material to keep me posting for a good while, and im going to get onto them as from Monday, but first something on my mind due to a recent comment has me needing to get this down...coz its bugging me.

On a recent post i received a comment that has since been removed by me, i very rarely will remove a comment, can count on one hand the times i have, but this particular one made me very uncomfortable in that the commentator asked me about something which could if one is resourceful enough reveal my identity as well as my Masters, unlikely i would like to think, but not a risk im willing to take.

It generally is a respected rule of thumb that when one attends clubs, functions or even private interactions with others within this lifestyle that privacy is a must, and many use aliases such as perhaps their online nickname to keep their identity private, lets face it, i doubt many here within blogger use there real name!

Sometimes one does use their real names, my Master and i have at times when in the past we have engaged in the public arena, at those times, as stated above it is expected that all involved privacy is respected.

Now i have blogged about times we have met with others, in these cases i have asked if they minded, which they have not, some i have not blogged about at all, those that i have blogged about their identities have not been revealed and i used aliases, and omitted details.

There are some things i dont blog about, not because of being ashamed or anything but well somethings i like to keep private, and this was the issue as well i had with the comment i removed, and well im sure most of us here dont reveal every teeny weeny details of what they get up to...ok some might, nothing wrong with that, but well i dont.

ok so it wasnt something that was a big deal, what they mentioned particularly, but still its not something i have chosen to blog about here.

ok rant over.

Help

Im struggling on what to write, i dont want to keep resorting to the drafts folder, although i do want to empty it, i would rather do so periodically, so please dear bloggy friends give me some inspiration, topics, questions, anything..well apart from asking the bossman...he is not allowed on my blog....its mine, all mine...doesnt have to be kink related..pleasssssseeee.

edited to add..otherwise im going to be resorted to blogging about my cats....you dont want me to become a cat lady do you really?

Safely behind bars...or not

Fiona has wrote a lovely post about being caged http://sirqandme.blogspot.co.uk/2014/08/cage-part-deux.html you should go check it out, she asked in reply to a previous comment i made on one of her posts if i have wrote about being caged, i have, cant find the bloody post, this is where having labels would be a serious help....should do that!

So i will write about the most recent experience with it, being caged is seriously hot....well ok i think it is.

The cage is generally somewhere i see as a sanctuary, somewhere i can rest and sleep, recover after a particularly hard session, sometimes its incorporated into a scene.

I wasnt coping too well with the whipping, i just couldnt seem to get into it, i was struggling, if i wasnt restrained to the cross, i would have never stayed on it, Master decided a break was in order.  After undoing the restraints he motioned for me to get in the cage, crawling into it was a welcome reprieve, i needed to calm down, and refresh.

Master placed a bowl of water in the cage before locking the door closed, i love the humiliating, perhaps degrading aspect of this, being treated similarly to a dog chained up, being on hands and knees lapping up the water.

Its interesting being caged, i tend to find that i instinctively try to open the door, even though i know its locked, its not going to open until such a time as he chooses to open it, i still have this need to try it, no idea why, its a different feeling than being in bondage, cant quite put my finger on why, perhaps its because rather than parts of my body being restricted, my body in itself is free, but as a whole im contained.

Curling up, i watch Master as he cleans and puts away some of the implements, a part of me hoping that the whipping will not resume, but its a false hope, i always get what he has determined i will get, and i know he is not finished.

But for now im safe, Master sits back on a chair, with a drink, watching me as i am watching him, i cant help but smile at him, quite a difference to 20 minutes beforehand when i was calling him every name under the sun, not complimentary names!

A grin spreads across his face as he gets up, a grin i know so well, a grin which means something horrid has entered his mind, horrid for me.

Opening a draw he pulls out the electric zapper, horrible, horrible thing, you know electric fences that can often be found around fields in farmland, if you have ever touched one of those, well the sensation is similar to that, not extremely painful, but well a shock!

As he walks towards me, im pleading "no", trying to back away, pushing myself as far against the bars as i can, but its not far enough, not enough hands to protect myself either, zapp on my thigh, my stomach, dammit im meant to be safe in here.

"are you ready to come out and finish your whipping?" he asks

well gee let me think on that, its either stay in here and be zapped or come out and be whipped....played a similar game to this before, i remember thinking i would take what i thought was the easier option to avoid what i didnt want....and yeah what was the result......oh yes....i didnt avoid what i didnt want, all i achieved was getting the easier option and then still getting what i didnt want...in other words i just made it worse for myself....not this time.

"im ready"

He unlocks the door, and reluctantly i crawl out, kissing his boots before standing to get back on the cross.

"good girl"

"bastard"...in my head mind!

What happened next

*Im sorry i didnt intentionally put out a post that was sort of left hanging, i got pissed off with losing the post i was writing so dug out one from the drafts folder, if i was paying more attention i would have put out the following post as well at the same time*

Somethings i was thinking about when we went to bed last night, but i didnt want to bring up then because you was tired, was when i was giving M a blowjob he had me positioned on the floor in the 69 position and was using his fingers to pleasure me.....but when c was sucking your cock you made no move to bring her to orgasm, and i was/am curious as to why not?....and i have to admit im glad you didnt, it doesnt bother me to see you being pleasured, but i dont like the thought of you giving pleasure to another...is that wrong of me?

Also, i felt awkward because i didnt cum, i thought about faking it but then thought if i did and he knew i was faking it that would be worse i think than not cumming at all, i tried to, but well, im just not attracted to him, he doesnt do it for me, and the whole scenario simply didnt turn me on, im sorry i tried, but it didnt.

Anyway, i was a bit apprehensive when M asked if he could use the violet wand on me, i know we have done it before but well this was different, M asked me to sit on the sofa next to c and he alternated between us both with the wand, ok i admit i enjoyed it, i love the tingly sensation, but what really put me at ease was when you said i was not to cum and M pulled a face as though to commiserate with me, made me chuckle.

I did cum, i find it difficult not to when its so stimulating, and i did try not to, but you know i struggle with keeping it under control, well ok i keep forgetting to say when im close, i thought you might not notice, but you did, how the bloody hell do you know?

You wanted to see me ride the wooden pony, you didnt say as much but i wander if it was because i had cum?  its horrid, trying to balance and keep straight up but there is no avoiding the need to lower oneself and the wood pushing into my pussy was painful, its torture, but then thats its intent isnt it.

As i was on the horse you was flogging c, it was odd because i was more jealous watching you flog her than i was when she was sucking your cock, and im finding it difficult to articulate why that is, i just didnt like it, perhaps it had something to do with the fact that whilst i was suffering i had to listen to her groans of pleasure...maybe.

Finally was allowed off the horse, you asked me if there was something i would like, and i requested a caning, i know i was still a bit sore from the previous night, but you know i love being caned, again i wander if you sensed i was not a happy bunny, because i really felt that i was getting the short straw?

 You had me bend over the back of the sofa, and ha ha i loved it, every stroke was just bliss, i was so settled into it and enjoying it, it was like nobody else existed, i forgot about M and c watching, just caught up in my own little world.

Oh and what was those thimble like things that M put on my nipples? i didnt want tos hurt his feelings, but it was like he was expecting some major reaction from me, and quite honestly they did nothing for me, not painful, uncomfortable, nor erotic either, just nothing!

I know its an issue with me playing with others, how i feel about it etc, but im still not sure how i feel about it still, i do it because it pleases you, and yes there are elements i enjoy but im still not comfortable with it that i would choose off my own back to do it.

Blast into the past

empting out the draft, folder, because blogger is being a shit, and i have just lost the post i had wrote.

i had a 2 year break from blogger, a few years back, so might as well sneak out the posts i wrote then, but never published.

October 2009

I love being collared and put on a leash, its the only time i get to wear a collar, but im nervous this time as we are going over to M and c's for..well kink stuff, she is really attractive, and i know i shouldnt compare, but i cant help it, he well, i like him, but not like that, not in im attracted to him way, not that it matters to you whether i feel any attraction to him or not.

But i do genuinely like them both, he is so relaxed, jolly, not as rigid as you are, dont take that the wrong way, your strict, formal, yes i know its good for me to learn and have discipline, to reinforce my enslavement, but sometimes its hard.

Im content to just kneel beside your chair,whilst you and M talk, trying not to fidget, i want you to be proud of me, c is making drinks, i dont think i can drink, too nervous, unless its vodka! but you wouldnt let me drink alcohol anyway, which is a bummer, this would all be so much easier if i was blotto, but its not as bad as the first time we did this, the first time i think is the worst in most cases..dunno, maybe.

Im itching to ask questions, ones that i hadnt thought of until this moment, but i know you wouldnt approve of me speaking out until im invited to or addressed, you unclip the leash, and when you do address me my heart sinks a little because you tell me to stand and strip.

I dont want to, and i hesitate, just a little, but enough for you to have to repeat yourself, and i feel bad, i know you do not like to have to repeat instructions, and im really shit at obeying sometimes immediately, but im nervous for goodness sake, give me a free pass.

After im naked, you tell me to kneel down again, i instinctively want to cover myself, but i know better than that, c comes back in, and sits next to her Master on the sofa, hmm im not allowed on the furniture!  i feel out of place, Master casually plays with my hair as they talk, its like he can sense my discomfort and that i need reassurance.

will finish off later, i want to get it down whilst its still fresh in my head, im tired, but a good, well beaten and used kind of tired.

The sadomasochists paradox

Blogger hates me, i have lost a post i spent time putting together, i published a post and it appeared, then disappeared! and i swear my drafts folder has posts missing!

The sadomasochists paradox (wanting/desiring that what we do not like)

Have you ever read something, a blog post, an erotic story etc, saw an image, that at first repulses you, you think its disgusting, too painful, not your 'thing'?  but you find yourself going back, just out of curiosity, and you dont want to admit it to yourself, because eww no its just wrong, but your intrigued by it.

You think about it, perhaps fantasise about it, you dont mention it to anyone else, what might they think! and after all you dont like it, but deep down, if your honest with yourself it holds an appeal, you cant stop thinking about it, you dont want to do it of course, oh no, but yet you keep going back to read that blog post, that story, look at those images.

I have, many a time.

Its through choice, that one may decide to give it a go or not, a conflicting choice, "what if i do it but i really hate it?" or "if i dont, i could be missing out on something i may well enjoy?".......however what if those choices were not yours to make?

My Master insists on being privy to my fantasies, thoughts and ideas etc, does not mean he will necessarily act on them, sometimes i hope he will, and other times my thoughts are like as i described above, there is uncertainty, a dislike, but yet i fantasise about it, but the choice on whether i want to give it a go or not is not mine to make, its his.

So some things, even now, that we do, i dislike, they have been made reality, and i can confirm that my inital reactions were spot on....i dont bloody like it!  no matter how many times it may be re-visited, i still dont like it.

But, still, thinking about it, especially when i know its going to happen, i want it, i desire it, i know im not going to like it, but what i do like is that i have no choice in the matter, its his control, his dominance over me that becomes and is more important than the physical.

Thats the biggest turn on of all.

Get to the point

Most men, i wont say all, as that is unfair, but most men its pointless being subtle, or dropping hints, it tends to go over their heads, you need to get straight to the point, Master is one of these men, well actually i do think he knows if im hinting but he chooses to ignore it, he prefers that i ask for what i want..so it went like this

"im being blunt, i need you to beat the shit out of me Master"

and i got in reply

"your wish is my command"

holy cow, it worked, lets see how far i can push this..

"cool, i wish for a day of unlimited orgasms Master?"

and i got...

"out of luck"

Bollocks!

ahh well, will settle for the beating.

Waddle like a duck

My granny had some odd ways about her, well dont we all!, one of these was the insistence that we should always keep a spare pair of knickers in ones handbag, for emergencies, like getting run over, you know because if one is run over, the first thing on your mind is going to be "ooh is my underwear clean" or maybe the paramedics on arrival might say to one another "hey bob, before we deal with the life saving, best check she has got clean underwear on!!!!  It used to make me laugh when she would go on about this, but you know sometimes i did keep a spare pair in my bag, not always.

Anyways, after a nice session of anal sex, Master and i head off out for a drink and something to eat, as we are walking along, gravity starts to take effect, yeah what goes up must come down....and eww its coming down, so im clenching my ass together, walking very much...well like a duck waddling, desperately waiting to get to the nearest bar....Master finds this highly amusing..the bastard.

And its not exactly pleasant whats coming down, (do hope your not eating, dear readers), and perhaps i should have been better prepared, i knew it was inevitable at some point, but im careful not to complain because Master could decide an enema is the solution in future!

You know how some woman say once you have been in labor, all sense of dignity goes out the window, clearly they have not had a tube stuck up their ass, water poured down it, made to get on hands and knees in bath, and be watched as its expelled.  I mean, i love humiliation, but i do draw the line at some things, and this is one of them, unfortunately the bastard..i mean Master, just crosses that line, perhaps i need to draw it a little bit more clearly...but i doubt that would make a difference.

Hate, hate enemas.

Anyway, get to the closest bar, rush to the ladies loo, well i wouldnt say rush, more like a fast paced waddle, clean myself up....and walllahh a clean pair of knickers are in my handbag.

Granny would be proud......well it was an emergency!

What's it like?...its.....

Its a common thought, question, comment that one sees around, "what is it actually like being a slave 24/7?" sue_lally asks.

Well if i was to describe my past week it would to all intents and purposes appear very ordinary, no being kept in a cage naked all the time...alas....but i guess thats not the answer your looking for.

Its, well its, liberating.

Its being snuggled up against him in bed watching crap tv, laughing

Its being pinned down to the bed, and being brutally fucked, screaming

Its walks along the riverbank, ice creams and lazing on the grass with the daily paper

Its walks in the wood, being bent over a branch and whipped with another branch....seriously who carries a pocket knife on them!!!yeah he does!

Its talking over dinner, debating, discussing the news, work, agreeing and disagreeing

Its being told what a dirty, filthy slut i am, interrogating, provoking me

Its getting all prettied up for a night out, nice dress, sexy underwear, looking beautiful for him, and for me

Its masacara running down my face, snotty nose, tears, after a beating, still beautiful to him

Its him being concerned when my blood sugar is high or low, taking care of me

Its him hurting me, humiliating me, making me feel worthless, that i am nothing to him

Its me moaning about him stinking out the bathroom again, every damn morning

Its being in the bathroom, being pissed on, and left covered in it

Its him treating me like a leper when i have my period, he doesnt do menstrual blood

Its having needles put in my labia, and watching the blood flow when they are pulled out

Its him working long hours, tired, just wanting rest/sleep, relaxing evenings of nothing

Its him feeling stressed because of long hours, long nights in the dungeon as he vents his stress

Its all of this and more, much more.