to consent or not to consent?

I have been pondering lately over the issue of consent and its relevance in an M/s relationship, is it relevant at all?

I am fully aware that upon agreeing to be His slave and it is something i willingly wanted that i would be giving up the right to a safeword and the choice of what i would and would not do, and im sane and intelligent enough to understand what i was agreeing too. I consented to being His slave and i have never had any doubts that it was the right decision for me, its not something i took or do take lightly, but i didnt anticipate until recently how it would make me feel when confronted with something i really dont want to do.

Its the needles, i dont want bloody needles in my nipples, im not being awkward and its not the pain aspect at all that bothers me (although thats a small factor) its the eek factor that i cant explain, i feel sick at the thought of it and its always something i have resisted so far, it doesnt help that last time He used the needles i didnt enjoy it and they are still something i could take or leave i certainly wouldnt be bothered if they wasnt used again..but is that because i didnt like it last time or not.....i dont know. Its also a different feeling and reaction to say the whip or inflatable butt plug which both i dislike and can happily go without, but i endure them because they do hold an appeal in a sado-masochist sort of way as well as the fact that i dont have a choice. Even though i dont have a choice with needles i still cant come to terms or accept the idea of having them in my nipples and im subconciously worried i will throw a tantrum which will no doubt make things much worse as ultimatley if He wants them in the nipples then thats where there going...so why am i finding it so hard to get my head round?

To make it even more bewildering He plans to bring some electrical cable to whip me with (if He remembers) and that will hurt, according to Him it will be very painful yet that doesnt disturb me at all (well not at the moment anyway), yet needles in my nipples is freaking me out..it doesnt make any sense. I also know that He probably anticipates im going to try and get out of it and contrary to what you think Sir i havent wrote this in an effort to sway you.

So no its not something im willingly consenting to, does this make it abuse? no. It makes it an informed decision as in i knew and accepted that there would be occasions such as this that would go against what i want..but then its back to the basics really..its simply not about what i want and thats how it should be.

something else to add to the list

Being the useless slave that i am, i have just earnt another punishment for being sarcastic and as punishment i have to drink a glass of my own piss which is appropriate i guess as it was the subject we was talking about when i decided to be snappy. I dont piss as much as He would like so i guess thats something else along with all the other things i fail at that i have to add to the list of improvements which is becoming so long i have lost sight of any good attributes i have if i have any at all because at the moment i cant think of one darn thing that i do that pleases Him.

rituals

I found a topic about rituals in M/s relationships and im not sure what to make of it, some i find appealing and some i would absolutley hate but i acknowledge that rituals can play an important part in the dynamic, its not something i had thought much of really but it has intrigued me. I did ask Him the other week if i could remove His shoes when He arrives as i like kissing His feet and that could be seen as a ritual if i was to do it all the time, and it has the effect of instantly "putting me in my place" besides i like being at His feet especially when His cock is level with my mouth (but i dont think that is the point).

I dont have a long list of set rules to adhere to, the main ones are: no masturbating without permission (this includes inappropriate touching of myself), no using any "toys" without permission, butt plugs, clamps etc, i think thats it actually. The rest is just common sense i know how He expects me to behave and im becoming used to what He likes/dislikes, so what are the point of rituals? i suppose on the plus side they make it easier to form a habit and therefore has the advantage of conditioning the slave/sub to respond in the desired way. So when i look at it from that angle i wander if by introducing appropriate rituals they could change some of my behaviour, hmm going to think on this i think.

the L word!!!!

After reading a comment left on my blog i have spent some time thinking/dwelling on whether or not love makes a difference in an M/s relationship, i asked Him if the fact that He loves me effects how He treats me (specifically in regards to pain) but apparentley not. I know from my perspective the fact that i love Him as well as trust and respect Him has been a major factor of getting me where i am now, i couldnt imagine wanting to engage in some of the more extreme activities with someone who i didnt love and also did not love me in return.

I dont think love has a negative impact on us as an M/s couple, it certainly doesnt change the fact that He is Master and i am slave, i dont see Him as being less dominant because He tells me He loves me, it makes Him a human being that has emotions and as loving as He can be i know He can also be a right sadistic bastard. I have admitted to Him and in the reply i wrote to the comment in my blog that i have held to the belief that because He loves me i would be able to plea bargain my way out of situations i dont like, im now coming to realise this is far from the truth.

We are not equals and nor would i want us to be, i defer to Him, love has no relevance in how He chooses to use/abuse me, but it is comforting to know that He does love me no matter how hard or cruel He may be at times.

one step forward...two steps back

Sometimes He really frustrates me and i find it hard to keep my mouth shut and not go off on a rant, like today im getting worked up about my list and im not allowed to mention it again, the subject is closed well until the weekend we meet. Well thats all very well for Him, but im getting my knickers in a twist over what He is going to do and i hate not knowing and its eating away at me. And im failing miserably at stopping myself from protesting and saying no to Him, i came close to having another thing added to the bloody list today because of my attitude and then i feel bad especially as i only wrote about improving my behaviour on here a couple days ago.

I feel sometimes that i behave like a child throwing a tantrum because somethings are not going my way, not that this gets me anywhere with Him, because in vanilla life i tend to get a lot of things my own way my attitude at times overlaps into my relationship with Him and obviously being the nature of the relationship it is, this is not appropriate. I have a habit of losing sight of the fact that His pleasure comes before mine and being a slave means no say in how He chooses to use me, He said last week that i have a tendency to forget He is my owner not my partner and that was a bit of a reality jolt because i realised He was right and i do behave disrespectfully more than i should. Im sorry Sir.

my behaviour

Im regretting asking You for some suggestions for topics that i can write about in my blog, i should have known better really. So out of the 2 topics i think i will start with the one i find the hardest.

My behaviour and punishments.

I wrote Him an email a few weeks ago after reflecting on why i have repeatedly masturbated without His permission, and the only conclusion that i could come to was that punishments i have had for this have not been harsh enough to deter me and also the fact that on occassions He has forgotten that a punishment is due. Bearing this in mind therefore i have always felt confident that He would forget again or i could negotiate and lessen the severity of the punishment so the threat of what He might do didnt really deter me.

Anyway what prompted me to reflect on my behaviour was after the last incident, He was really not happy and what He said upset me enough to re-evaluate my behaviour and the consequences of this made me realise that i havent been a good slave and nor will i be if my attitude doesnt change. I want to be a good slave, i want to be able to be put in any situation and obey Him immediatley without complaint or hesitation but im realistic and realise this will not happen overnight. So the first step i felt is to be held accountable for my behaviour and to accept any punishment He decides as i would usually count on Him forgetting or i would plead/beg whatever to get out of it and sometimes i would succeed. I decided to write Him an email because i find it difficult to express sometimes what im thinking verbally plus its hard to ask for something that im really not going to like even though i need it. And i need to be punished severely when my behaviour is not pleasing, obviously it will be something i really hate but thats the point, it needs to be to make it effective.

So i have wrote a list of punishments i have due, this has the benefits of obviously making me not forget and having to actually write my behaviour down makes me feel ashamed, i will take the list with me when we meet next and face the consequences.

There are 5 punishments on the list: masturbating without permission (consistentley), using butt plug without permission, speaking disrespectfully, lying about the gag, not cleaning fingers after masturbating, im trying to make a big effort not to add to it, its bad enough as it is and i figure the weekend will be a difficult one.

Ultimatley as difficult and as painful as it will be, and i suspect i may throw a wobbly, the bottom line is although i dont want it (and i really dont) i need it, sometimes i need Him to be really harsh, because on occassions i get away with more than i should.