Friday, 18 January 2008

something nice to something horrible

I have a new toy, a clitoral stimulator and its great no thats understatement its bloody fantastic, was using it yesterday afternoon after having asked permission too, and its addictive to the point i think i was well away for 20 mins and 4 or 5 orgasms. Its only drawback is i discovered that afterwards there is this constant throbbing that wont ease and it becomes uncomfortable and the lightest touch to the clit is unbearable due to it being so sensitive, i couldnt understand before how its said that it can be painful to be overstimulated (forced masturbation) now i can i really wouldnt wanted to have had to use it any more than i did the pleasure would certainly become pain and not a nice pain either, it would be torture which would probably appeal to Him and usually i get pain first then pleasure so this would be a reverse situation and i dont like that idea.

Its been a strange few months in the respect that He has been now how can i put this nice to me which is un-nerving in a strange way im not sure how to explain it really, even last weekend He was tolerant (think thats the word im looking for) its a bit like the calm before the storm, if that makes sense. I think what im finding difficult to struggle with is when He does for whatever reason (not that He needs a reason) choose to be cruel it will be harder to cope with and i tend to resist or say something inappropriate which makes things worse for myself.

Because i have been relatively indulged for a period of time and sometimes i get the "maybe im too soft with you" lecture it is hard not to argue back with the argument of who's fault is that, which i cant or shouldnt because being a slave its not for me to decide what He should or should not do and when. I know i have a habit of trying sometimes to manipulate Him into doing what i want or not doing something i dont want and its not a good trait to have and im not sure if He even realises that i do this, what goes in my favour i think is His memory which well sometimes isnt at its best and this can work for me although occasionally against.

Thing is though i miss it when He is cruel to me yet when He is i dont like it at all, what would Freud have to say about that i wander.

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