A friend asked me recently whether He feels compassion when He beats me (well her words were "when He does those nasty things") and i hadn't thought about it because i didnt see it as making a difference on whether He does or not although i did say i didnt think He did, so i decided to ask Him today and He confirmed what i thought that no He doesnt. I have though after giving it some thought think it does make a difference, if He was to feel compassion then i would to a certain degree be able to control how much pain He gives me, because He doesnt its irrelevent how much i may beg, scream or cry as it bears no effect on Him, in fact im inclined to think He enjoys it the most the more i hate it.
I feel a lot more comfortable in myself and my masochism at this present time than i have ever done before and i think this is largely due to the fact that there is really nothing i think i could suggest to Him that He would think wierd or perverted. A comment i made today whist talking to Him was in reference to how i wasnt the way i am now before i met Him to which He disagreed i think. Im not suggesting that He has corrupted me in any way nor am i claiming that i was a little miss innocent either but i think that because of His openness and the fact that i trusted Him instinctively (plus He is the most perverted person i know and ever likely to know)it exposed a part of me that i didnt think existed, i never thought i would enjoy some of the things we do and i definitley never thought i would get any pleasure from His sadism but i do even when i dont like it at the time having to endure it excites me.
As comfortable as i feel there is still much more to learn and to try and its not always going to be nice well certainly not for me but i am always secure in the knowledge that no matter what i wouldnt want it any other way, even though i may protest at the time.
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