complacency

He wouldnt give me permission to masturbate earlier today and it wasnt something i had anticipated, didnt cross my mind at all that He would refuse, and i wasnt happy about it, spent 5 mins wandering round house calling Him every name i could think of and some new ones. I think what disturbs me the most is that i have become complacent, taking it for granted that he wont say no, and also because i know He is busy at work so therefore i can take advantage that He is distracted for the time being.



Its definitely been a strange few months what with outside distractions on both are parts, and i know i have not always behaved as i should and i guess to a certain extent i have not forgotten my place but have neglected it to the point that when He did say no i reacted in a very unsubmissive manner, although i cant deny it has been a novelty being able to get away with things that i normally wouldnt i will be glad to get things back to normal, well normal for us anyway. We have a date booked up to get together next and i sent Him a text last week asking to be beaten harder and im beginning to think this was a bad idea, not that it makes much difference on whether i ask or not as He will do as He pleases anyway but i think i need it to re-focus on my place.

just a rant

I need a rant to get things out my system.

I just dont believe the blatant lies people can tell or the way they manipulate circumstances, the sub of a couple we played with (which was a disaster) posted on a bdsm site about the session we had and potrayed it in a completely negative light which is fine but chose to take no responsibility themselves. Im not going to go into details again of what happened, i know the truth, my Master knows the truth and thats all that matters, i just object to the blame being placed entirely at our feet or indirectly at His, i would love to email her and tell her a few home truths but i wouldnt be allowed and this is most likely for the best.

I console myself that since we met them, we found out albeit too late just what sort of man he is, comes accross as very nice but is actually a very manipulative and nasty human being that revels in causing problems between couples, thankfully my relationship with Him has proved too strong too cause any damage and i feel nothing but pity for his poor sub whom has emotional baggage and therefore easily deluded.

just thoughts and reflections

A friend asked me recently whether He feels compassion when He beats me (well her words were "when He does those nasty things") and i hadn't thought about it because i didnt see it as making a difference on whether He does or not although i did say i didnt think He did, so i decided to ask Him today and He confirmed what i thought that no He doesnt. I have though after giving it some thought think it does make a difference, if He was to feel compassion then i would to a certain degree be able to control how much pain He gives me, because He doesnt its irrelevent how much i may beg, scream or cry as it bears no effect on Him, in fact im inclined to think He enjoys it the most the more i hate it.

I feel a lot more comfortable in myself and my masochism at this present time than i have ever done before and i think this is largely due to the fact that there is really nothing i think i could suggest to Him that He would think wierd or perverted. A comment i made today whist talking to Him was in reference to how i wasnt the way i am now before i met Him to which He disagreed i think. Im not suggesting that He has corrupted me in any way nor am i claiming that i was a little miss innocent either but i think that because of His openness and the fact that i trusted Him instinctively (plus He is the most perverted person i know and ever likely to know)it exposed a part of me that i didnt think existed, i never thought i would enjoy some of the things we do and i definitley never thought i would get any pleasure from His sadism but i do even when i dont like it at the time having to endure it excites me.

As comfortable as i feel there is still much more to learn and to try and its not always going to be nice well certainly not for me but i am always secure in the knowledge that no matter what i wouldnt want it any other way, even though i may protest at the time.

something nice to something horrible

I have a new toy, a clitoral stimulator and its great no thats understatement its bloody fantastic, was using it yesterday afternoon after having asked permission too, and its addictive to the point i think i was well away for 20 mins and 4 or 5 orgasms. Its only drawback is i discovered that afterwards there is this constant throbbing that wont ease and it becomes uncomfortable and the lightest touch to the clit is unbearable due to it being so sensitive, i couldnt understand before how its said that it can be painful to be overstimulated (forced masturbation) now i can i really wouldnt wanted to have had to use it any more than i did the pleasure would certainly become pain and not a nice pain either, it would be torture which would probably appeal to Him and usually i get pain first then pleasure so this would be a reverse situation and i dont like that idea.

Its been a strange few months in the respect that He has been now how can i put this nice to me which is un-nerving in a strange way im not sure how to explain it really, even last weekend He was tolerant (think thats the word im looking for) its a bit like the calm before the storm, if that makes sense. I think what im finding difficult to struggle with is when He does for whatever reason (not that He needs a reason) choose to be cruel it will be harder to cope with and i tend to resist or say something inappropriate which makes things worse for myself.

Because i have been relatively indulged for a period of time and sometimes i get the "maybe im too soft with you" lecture it is hard not to argue back with the argument of who's fault is that, which i cant or shouldnt because being a slave its not for me to decide what He should or should not do and when. I know i have a habit of trying sometimes to manipulate Him into doing what i want or not doing something i dont want and its not a good trait to have and im not sure if He even realises that i do this, what goes in my favour i think is His memory which well sometimes isnt at its best and this can work for me although occasionally against.

Thing is though i miss it when He is cruel to me yet when He is i dont like it at all, what would Freud have to say about that i wander.

weekend gone but not forgotten........

Well as usual figure i should write-up about the weekend and i enjoy keeping an account its something to look back on and well as usual it was a good weekend.

Was a little apprehensive about this weekend for some reason i had this feeling that something wasn't right, i think this was because we hadnt had as much contact as we usually do beforehand and vanilla issues in our lives was a factor in this. I know i have been feeling very insecure recently and that tends to reflect on my behaviour and attitude in general and then i end up feeling guilty because i know He has a lot going on in His vanilla life at the moment and it doesnt help when im feeling particularly needy.

Stayed at the chalet again which is very nice, private and as He points out don't need to worry about noise although that didnt stop Him from gagging me when He used the whip and im not a big fan of being gagged and as for the whip well no change there still hate the fucking thing. He didnt punish me as was intended and im not sure how i feel about that part of me is relieved because i was getting worked up about it but the other part of me is wandering why as i know i deserved it but shit im not going to pursue the issue....im not that stupid.

I forgot the new gag and the inflatable butt plug and was convinced that this news wouldnt go down well but to my surprise He took it really well wasnt really mentioned so i think i got off very lightly there, i do though think that there are mitigating factors on why He was more lenient (dare i use that word) this weekend, mainly due to circumstances in vanilla life which im not going to get into here. I got to spend a fair amount of time sucking His cock which is something i could do for ages so i was happy however the first time He fucked my ass it bloody hurt to the point that i wanted it to stop yet i got off on not being able to make it stop and would probably have been miffed if He had.

As much as i love the pain or should i say most of the pain and being used in general i love just as much being able to snuggle up on the sofa and spending time together outside of any bdsm activity. I got caned and i still love the cane although im discovering that when it gets past my comfort zone and i really want it to stop afterwards i really dont want Him too, i want to be taken past my comfort zone with the cane and made to take more and although He usually does make me take more as He did this time the strokes tend to be lighter which at that time is a welcome relief i do want to try to increase the amount or the severity of the caning beyond what im used to.

The only complaint i have about the whole weekend was He didnt piss on me and He usually does and i like that a lot even though it usually means i have to try and swallow some which i want to be able to do anyway.

I have bruising on my ass which are more prominent than what i first thought in fact there is one indent in the skin which leaves no doubt over what implement was used its a very prominent cane mark and i love it.

So once again thankyou Sir xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

holidays over back to normality..sort of

Thank goodness Christmas is out the way, we hadnt had much opportunity to talk over the whole period and i get anxious when we havent spoke for a while, but seeing each other this weekend and it has come around very quick.

I am very impressed with myself i havent had an orgasm for bloody ages must be around 4 weeks thats a record i havent gone that long without one well since i disovered the rampant rabbit i think which was bloody years ago. I figure as i have been so good (i didnt even ask either) that this should knock at least 20 strokes off the 50 i have coming but i doubt He will agree somehow.

Im also going to have to backtrack on last enty in blog, have heard from the slave lucy although im still very unsure of the situation and He has had contact with her master so they appear genuine. I spoke to her for a while longer the other evening and she is likeable although i liked ***** and well no more needs to be said on that subject. I think what worries me well not worries but niggles me is that slavelucy is inconsistent with what she says and there appears to be a lack of communication between her and her master(but then she has only met him once), im beginning to wander if im just fortunate that me and Him discuss a lot and even when we are not together we try to make a point of talking everyday although there are exceptions when we cant.

Im not overly concerned with meeting up with them if indeed we do although i know He would like to at some point but i think agreeing on a date to suit all may be a problem.

Im more focused at the moment on this weekend especially as contact has been at a minimum for the last few weeks and i need us to get back to normal well as normal as things are with us which i guess to many isnt normal at all.