One day im hoping i will learn to keep my mouth shut unfortunatley i do have a habit of saying things and then wishing i hadnt, like today was on the phone to Him and mentioned that i hadnt had anything up my ass for a while this was not a hint that i wanted something up my ass at this time more that i know i have the inflatable butt plug to look forward to and am apprehensive about it. But no He had to suggest that i put a butt plug up my ass there and then and its strange because i quite enjoy anal sex but am not really a big fan of plugs there uncomfortable at the best of times and this time it hurt not a great deal but enough that i really didnt want it there and to make matters worse the bastard made me sit on a chair which did increase the pain and i wasnt amused.
Although i wasnt exactly enthusiastic about it, it did remind me of the fact that i dont have the choice of not feeling like it and more importantly i think that He can choose to inflict pain on me simply for His pleasure whether i like it or not as usually im allowed to masturbate after any pain but not this time.
He also informed me that He has bought a small paddling pool to be used for watersports, i was partly hoping He may forget but no it will be making its appearance at the weekend along with something else although He wont say what which means i probably wont like it.
Tuesday, 31 July 2007
Monday, 30 July 2007
a reminder of what i am
I have realised that i tend to slip at times and forget my place, my place being that i am a slave to Him and therefore my behaviour should reflect that, and as much as i begrudge admitting it i am in need of discipline and no doubt i will suffer for my trangressions at the weekend. I think a benefit of writing here each day will help to keep me focused as it forces me to think about how i act at times and i am beginning to realise that i need to work on some of my faults they may be minor in some cases but nonetheless i need to alter my behaviour so that i can improve and be a better slave to Him.
I am looking forward to the weekend but as it getting closer im starting to get nervous and this makes me a little more cocky than i should be especially as its getting closer not really a wise idea. I think its because i know i have 2 punishments coming up and if im not careful i can see it being more, if i had my way i would want them out the way as soon as possible otherwise im on edge but its not up to me so will have to wait until He decides its time. It's funny well not funny but strange that i know i deserve to be punished yet i still sit here thinking how i can talk my way out of them although knowing full well thats not likely to happen, i guess this is because i know He is going to be harder on me this time and i got off quite lightly last time when i was punished because i didnt mind it that much so it really wasnt effective as a punishment, defeats the object somewhat......i cant see that happening this time
I am looking forward to the weekend but as it getting closer im starting to get nervous and this makes me a little more cocky than i should be especially as its getting closer not really a wise idea. I think its because i know i have 2 punishments coming up and if im not careful i can see it being more, if i had my way i would want them out the way as soon as possible otherwise im on edge but its not up to me so will have to wait until He decides its time. It's funny well not funny but strange that i know i deserve to be punished yet i still sit here thinking how i can talk my way out of them although knowing full well thats not likely to happen, i guess this is because i know He is going to be harder on me this time and i got off quite lightly last time when i was punished because i didnt mind it that much so it really wasnt effective as a punishment, defeats the object somewhat......i cant see that happening this time
Saturday, 28 July 2007
tolerance
I popped into a chat room earlier this evening, its not something im really a big fan of but i was bored and thought it might amuse me, there was a big discussion on limits and how it is impossible to say you have no limits which is a fair point but then a slave in the room stated that she has no limits only those her Master has and she got slated and at that point (being that i find it hard to shut my mouth sometimes) i had to say something because i feel that this is a valid point.
It annoyed me that many in the room started throwing "circumstances" at her would she cut off her finger, would she jump off a cliff etc so i stated that this was completley out of the context of a bdsm relationship and was neither realistic or reasonable.
I believe that it is possible for a slave to have no "personal" limits only what has been given to her so hence it could be said she is a no-limits slave, i have few limits, i also have areas which are not limits eg. needles but they scare me so its something i have no wish to be rushed in but i havent ruled it out, if i had wanted to i would have stated this before entering into a relationship with Him.
I get scared when its something new but this is a natural reaction to something which is unknown, but i trust Him enough to know what i can handle and when, but we all mistakes and dare i say it so does He. I did find something this slave said interesting and very valid and thats "if pushed too hard, too soon you only succeed in pushing away" which i agreed with i would rather be keen to try more than doing it out of fear of dissapointment.
It annoys me that many in this lifestyle that claim to have a wealth of experience have no tolerance to the way others may choose to live this aspect of their lives, it seems to me or maybe im becoming jaded that if your kink is not their kink then you cannot possibly be a good sub/slave. There is also this expectation that a sub/slave should address Dominants as Sir/Master and i wont unless specifically told to by my Master if this makes me a bad slave so be it as its not them i have to please.
It annoyed me that many in the room started throwing "circumstances" at her would she cut off her finger, would she jump off a cliff etc so i stated that this was completley out of the context of a bdsm relationship and was neither realistic or reasonable.
I believe that it is possible for a slave to have no "personal" limits only what has been given to her so hence it could be said she is a no-limits slave, i have few limits, i also have areas which are not limits eg. needles but they scare me so its something i have no wish to be rushed in but i havent ruled it out, if i had wanted to i would have stated this before entering into a relationship with Him.
I get scared when its something new but this is a natural reaction to something which is unknown, but i trust Him enough to know what i can handle and when, but we all mistakes and dare i say it so does He. I did find something this slave said interesting and very valid and thats "if pushed too hard, too soon you only succeed in pushing away" which i agreed with i would rather be keen to try more than doing it out of fear of dissapointment.
It annoys me that many in this lifestyle that claim to have a wealth of experience have no tolerance to the way others may choose to live this aspect of their lives, it seems to me or maybe im becoming jaded that if your kink is not their kink then you cannot possibly be a good sub/slave. There is also this expectation that a sub/slave should address Dominants as Sir/Master and i wont unless specifically told to by my Master if this makes me a bad slave so be it as its not them i have to please.
Friday, 27 July 2007
bad day
I havent had a good day today, and it has showed when i have been speaking with Him and i feel guilty that maybe i should have made more of an effort, but sometimes its hard when "vanilla" life gets in the way
i have felt like i wanted to really argue with someone/anyone and thats not like me, today felt like everyone wanted a piece of me and i wanted to scream at them to leave me alone i didnt feel like being nice and then i feel guilty for thinking that way
i failed in my task and felt guilty for doing so even though i knew when He set it that i was sure i wouldnt be able to do it, i felt like i was set up to fail and He knows i hate dissapointing Him so why set me a task that i am unable to do, yes it could be said that i could have thought of something and i tried but i couldnt.....does this make me a failure because i feel like one
i have felt like i wanted to really argue with someone/anyone and thats not like me, today felt like everyone wanted a piece of me and i wanted to scream at them to leave me alone i didnt feel like being nice and then i feel guilty for thinking that way
i failed in my task and felt guilty for doing so even though i knew when He set it that i was sure i wouldnt be able to do it, i felt like i was set up to fail and He knows i hate dissapointing Him so why set me a task that i am unable to do, yes it could be said that i could have thought of something and i tried but i couldnt.....does this make me a failure because i feel like one
a week to go!!
one week today and i will be with my Master, this is good apart from the fact no orgasms until we do meet, this is the first time He has stated this and its too early days yet to say how i think it will go, but its not like i have a choice, if i orgasm without permission i face the consequences and with 2 punishments coming up i have no wish to add to them.
today is also the last day i have to complete a task He gave me; to think of something perverted/filthy that we have not discussed that we can do when we are together, this is not easy at all. i dont have as much experience as Him which does count as i am quite naive in some areas, like the new nipple/labia clamps i love them and when they arrived i couldnt wait to get them on, i sat and read the box and noted how it said rubber tips could be removed, which i naturally assummed was for cleaning......no underneath are metal teeth i was to say the least mortified and i dont love them as much as i did initially.
so this task is causing me problems all what to me is perverted we have discussed before, so this tells me that He is just much more of a pervert than i am, which is reasurring, but then again maybe not it just makes me wander what goes on in that mind of His sometimes..maybe its best not knowing
today is also the last day i have to complete a task He gave me; to think of something perverted/filthy that we have not discussed that we can do when we are together, this is not easy at all. i dont have as much experience as Him which does count as i am quite naive in some areas, like the new nipple/labia clamps i love them and when they arrived i couldnt wait to get them on, i sat and read the box and noted how it said rubber tips could be removed, which i naturally assummed was for cleaning......no underneath are metal teeth i was to say the least mortified and i dont love them as much as i did initially.
so this task is causing me problems all what to me is perverted we have discussed before, so this tells me that He is just much more of a pervert than i am, which is reasurring, but then again maybe not it just makes me wander what goes on in that mind of His sometimes..maybe its best not knowing
Thursday, 26 July 2007
an introduction to this part of my life
not sure really where to start, i wasnt really keen on this whole blog thing but He asked me to do it and so here i am not having a clue what to write, so a good start would be a basic introduction to my life as a slave, was most relieved when He said i wouldnt be held responsible for what i write, good job really because at times i might have at a rant at Him knowing im safe here
what being a slave means to me:
being able to completely let another person have control over certain elements of my life, and full control when we are together, the freedom of having no choice in what will happen, its an important part of my life because in many ways it is when i am most comfortable with who or what i am
sometimes its difficult to let go and relinquish control because we are in a society where most aspects of bdsm are frowned upon and deemed as depraved, and its hard to admit at times to myself that i like and enjoy some more of the extreme activities and theres so much i havent tried that excites me yet scares me
what being a slave means to me:
being able to completely let another person have control over certain elements of my life, and full control when we are together, the freedom of having no choice in what will happen, its an important part of my life because in many ways it is when i am most comfortable with who or what i am
sometimes its difficult to let go and relinquish control because we are in a society where most aspects of bdsm are frowned upon and deemed as depraved, and its hard to admit at times to myself that i like and enjoy some more of the extreme activities and theres so much i havent tried that excites me yet scares me
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