I am quite sure

Im not sure what im doing sometimes, even why im doing all of this, not blogger, this, the whole submitting thing.

thats all i have to say about that.

Apologies but im rather annoyed with him at the moment, and thats putting it politely, i will stop there before i say something that gets me in the shit.

7 deadly sins.......Pride

McKitten suggested a series of posts around the seven deadly sins, so to get started im going to go with pride, and its place in my relationship.

Excerpt from wikipedia

"In almost every list pride is considered the original and most serious of the seven deadly sins, and the source of all the others, its is identified as believing that one is essentially better than others, failing to acknowledge the accomplishments of others, and excessive admiration of the personal self"

I have to say im not sure i  agree with the above statement, or perhaps it depends on how one is interpretation the meaning of pride.

I take pride in my submission because i want to be the best i can be, for myself and of course my Master, i take pride in what areas i know im good at, but i can also acknowledge what my faults are, being a mouthy sarcastic bitch at times would be one of those faults!.....there are many more lol

I would hazzard a guess that more people find it difficult to say "i am good at this, i know what im doing, and i do it well" because it may come across as being arrogant, being a know-it-all, but why shouldnt we take pride in our accomplishments?

However, stay on topic tori, pride as a sin....bloody hell, i am struggling with this!

Although i think having pride in oneself is acceptable, it can be taken too far, when one perhaps is full of self importance, and that trait is something that would not be welcome in my relationship, and i have been guilty of it, back in the beginning of this long journey...which i get frequently lost on.

When the bossman spoke to me of enslavement i became wrapped up in the idea of being a slave, not paying much attention to what it meant, it didnt matter what it meant...im a slave....go me!  I had a sense of being 'better' than those lowly submissives, i was super slave, would do anything, no limits....ok give me a break....i was deluded, it took a while for reality to hit me...and when it did...it hit me hard....and ya know sometimes it still hits me hard today.

So looking back to my attitude then, it wasnt nice, i recall when we was with another couple and the other sub was being caned by her Master, and the bossman was going to cane me afterwards, i remember feeling quite smug because i knew i could take a longer, harder caning, which i did, and i was proud, not that it was competitive but still i was up my own ass and full of it....the bossman was not pleased with this attitude and i was brought down to earth in a not very pleasant way, he was not proud of me.

That sort of pride, yeah i can see it as a deadly sin, it doesnt make one like-able because its not nice.

Going down the rabbit hole

Anon asked

"Do you ever worry how far your masochism will go or take you?  and how much more you may mentally desire compared to what your body/skin can tolerate.  If today it is 1 needle, tomorrow will it be 10, 20, 100?  Without the care from a good dominant to say, no enough, do you ever wander how far the rabbit hole will go?"

I used to worry about it a lot in the beginning when i realised and accepted my masochism, perhaps because it was all so new and i was discovering all these things that excited me, turned me on, that yes it would worry me about how far i would go.

I still do at times now, but those moments are fleeting, i wander perhaps this is a common train of thought for most masochists?

Mentally there are certainly times i desire more that what my body/skin can take, an example of this is back a while ago when my Master was caning me.

Im very receptive to the cane (most of the time) and can take a severe caning, usually slip into subspace quite easily and when i do, its almost like i cross the pain barrier, it just no longer hurts, its more of a pleasant thuddy sensation.

This particular time i was floating in my own little world whilst the caning continued, then i realised the caning had stopped, i was annoyed, i was enjoying the sensations, i wanted more, i asked for more, but he refused which quite frankly pissed me off, i begged that i could take more, still he would not...and mentally i could have taken more...but

physically i could not, which i realised when he released me from the table and i looked in the mirror, my ass/thighs were a bloody mess, literally a bloody mess, much more caning and the risk of permanent damage would have been high.

So thinking about what you said about if today it is 1 needle, tomorrow will it be 10 etc (which btw, as i love needles, 1 would never be enough and nor would 10 lol) i do think elements of s/m can be addictive, or rather the sensations that come along with certain activities.

So if indeed these are sensations that one derives pleasure from, and enjoys the activity it stands to reason that one will seek more, or perhaps as it is in my case, i do tend to want to seek out new edges, to find a new high, and the s/m spectrum is so diverse i could keep going for a long, long time.

When or if it gets to a point that my Master, and myself to a certain extent, no longer finds enjoyment from engaging in such activities, then that is when it will stop.

Thankfully i consider my Master a good dominant, and he is an experienced sadist so i try not to worry about how far down the rabbit hole i will go, because i know i have him as my safety harness and he will say "no, enough", but yes i think if i was in different hands, that of a dominant that really didnt give a care about my mental or physical well being then i could potentially be dropped down the rabbit hole a lot further than i could emotionally/physically handle.

Thanks for the question, i hope my reply answered it sufficiently.

Privacy

Thanks for the help, a lot of material to keep me posting for a good while, and im going to get onto them as from Monday, but first something on my mind due to a recent comment has me needing to get this down...coz its bugging me.

On a recent post i received a comment that has since been removed by me, i very rarely will remove a comment, can count on one hand the times i have, but this particular one made me very uncomfortable in that the commentator asked me about something which could if one is resourceful enough reveal my identity as well as my Masters, unlikely i would like to think, but not a risk im willing to take.

It generally is a respected rule of thumb that when one attends clubs, functions or even private interactions with others within this lifestyle that privacy is a must, and many use aliases such as perhaps their online nickname to keep their identity private, lets face it, i doubt many here within blogger use there real name!

Sometimes one does use their real names, my Master and i have at times when in the past we have engaged in the public arena, at those times, as stated above it is expected that all involved privacy is respected.

Now i have blogged about times we have met with others, in these cases i have asked if they minded, which they have not, some i have not blogged about at all, those that i have blogged about their identities have not been revealed and i used aliases, and omitted details.

There are some things i dont blog about, not because of being ashamed or anything but well somethings i like to keep private, and this was the issue as well i had with the comment i removed, and well im sure most of us here dont reveal every teeny weeny details of what they get up to...ok some might, nothing wrong with that, but well i dont.

ok so it wasnt something that was a big deal, what they mentioned particularly, but still its not something i have chosen to blog about here.

ok rant over.

Help

Im struggling on what to write, i dont want to keep resorting to the drafts folder, although i do want to empty it, i would rather do so periodically, so please dear bloggy friends give me some inspiration, topics, questions, anything..well apart from asking the bossman...he is not allowed on my blog....its mine, all mine...doesnt have to be kink related..pleasssssseeee.

edited to add..otherwise im going to be resorted to blogging about my cats....you dont want me to become a cat lady do you really?

Safely behind bars...or not

Fiona has wrote a lovely post about being caged http://sirqandme.blogspot.co.uk/2014/08/cage-part-deux.html you should go check it out, she asked in reply to a previous comment i made on one of her posts if i have wrote about being caged, i have, cant find the bloody post, this is where having labels would be a serious help....should do that!

So i will write about the most recent experience with it, being caged is seriously hot....well ok i think it is.

The cage is generally somewhere i see as a sanctuary, somewhere i can rest and sleep, recover after a particularly hard session, sometimes its incorporated into a scene.

I wasnt coping too well with the whipping, i just couldnt seem to get into it, i was struggling, if i wasnt restrained to the cross, i would have never stayed on it, Master decided a break was in order.  After undoing the restraints he motioned for me to get in the cage, crawling into it was a welcome reprieve, i needed to calm down, and refresh.

Master placed a bowl of water in the cage before locking the door closed, i love the humiliating, perhaps degrading aspect of this, being treated similarly to a dog chained up, being on hands and knees lapping up the water.

Its interesting being caged, i tend to find that i instinctively try to open the door, even though i know its locked, its not going to open until such a time as he chooses to open it, i still have this need to try it, no idea why, its a different feeling than being in bondage, cant quite put my finger on why, perhaps its because rather than parts of my body being restricted, my body in itself is free, but as a whole im contained.

Curling up, i watch Master as he cleans and puts away some of the implements, a part of me hoping that the whipping will not resume, but its a false hope, i always get what he has determined i will get, and i know he is not finished.

But for now im safe, Master sits back on a chair, with a drink, watching me as i am watching him, i cant help but smile at him, quite a difference to 20 minutes beforehand when i was calling him every name under the sun, not complimentary names!

A grin spreads across his face as he gets up, a grin i know so well, a grin which means something horrid has entered his mind, horrid for me.

Opening a draw he pulls out the electric zapper, horrible, horrible thing, you know electric fences that can often be found around fields in farmland, if you have ever touched one of those, well the sensation is similar to that, not extremely painful, but well a shock!

As he walks towards me, im pleading "no", trying to back away, pushing myself as far against the bars as i can, but its not far enough, not enough hands to protect myself either, zapp on my thigh, my stomach, dammit im meant to be safe in here.

"are you ready to come out and finish your whipping?" he asks

well gee let me think on that, its either stay in here and be zapped or come out and be whipped....played a similar game to this before, i remember thinking i would take what i thought was the easier option to avoid what i didnt want....and yeah what was the result......oh yes....i didnt avoid what i didnt want, all i achieved was getting the easier option and then still getting what i didnt want...in other words i just made it worse for myself....not this time.

"im ready"

He unlocks the door, and reluctantly i crawl out, kissing his boots before standing to get back on the cross.

"good girl"

"bastard"...in my head mind!

What happened next

*Im sorry i didnt intentionally put out a post that was sort of left hanging, i got pissed off with losing the post i was writing so dug out one from the drafts folder, if i was paying more attention i would have put out the following post as well at the same time*

Somethings i was thinking about when we went to bed last night, but i didnt want to bring up then because you was tired, was when i was giving M a blowjob he had me positioned on the floor in the 69 position and was using his fingers to pleasure me.....but when c was sucking your cock you made no move to bring her to orgasm, and i was/am curious as to why not?....and i have to admit im glad you didnt, it doesnt bother me to see you being pleasured, but i dont like the thought of you giving pleasure to another...is that wrong of me?

Also, i felt awkward because i didnt cum, i thought about faking it but then thought if i did and he knew i was faking it that would be worse i think than not cumming at all, i tried to, but well, im just not attracted to him, he doesnt do it for me, and the whole scenario simply didnt turn me on, im sorry i tried, but it didnt.

Anyway, i was a bit apprehensive when M asked if he could use the violet wand on me, i know we have done it before but well this was different, M asked me to sit on the sofa next to c and he alternated between us both with the wand, ok i admit i enjoyed it, i love the tingly sensation, but what really put me at ease was when you said i was not to cum and M pulled a face as though to commiserate with me, made me chuckle.

I did cum, i find it difficult not to when its so stimulating, and i did try not to, but you know i struggle with keeping it under control, well ok i keep forgetting to say when im close, i thought you might not notice, but you did, how the bloody hell do you know?

You wanted to see me ride the wooden pony, you didnt say as much but i wander if it was because i had cum?  its horrid, trying to balance and keep straight up but there is no avoiding the need to lower oneself and the wood pushing into my pussy was painful, its torture, but then thats its intent isnt it.

As i was on the horse you was flogging c, it was odd because i was more jealous watching you flog her than i was when she was sucking your cock, and im finding it difficult to articulate why that is, i just didnt like it, perhaps it had something to do with the fact that whilst i was suffering i had to listen to her groans of pleasure...maybe.

Finally was allowed off the horse, you asked me if there was something i would like, and i requested a caning, i know i was still a bit sore from the previous night, but you know i love being caned, again i wander if you sensed i was not a happy bunny, because i really felt that i was getting the short straw?

 You had me bend over the back of the sofa, and ha ha i loved it, every stroke was just bliss, i was so settled into it and enjoying it, it was like nobody else existed, i forgot about M and c watching, just caught up in my own little world.

Oh and what was those thimble like things that M put on my nipples? i didnt want tos hurt his feelings, but it was like he was expecting some major reaction from me, and quite honestly they did nothing for me, not painful, uncomfortable, nor erotic either, just nothing!

I know its an issue with me playing with others, how i feel about it etc, but im still not sure how i feel about it still, i do it because it pleases you, and yes there are elements i enjoy but im still not comfortable with it that i would choose off my own back to do it.