I thought i was long past the jaw dropping moments of "you want to do what!!!!!"....clearly not, as was evident when he brought up what he intended to do to me...after adequate preparation of the physical nature....i do believe i was rendered speechless for a bit...only a bit mind!
Its been a long while since he has introduced something new, he has exposed me over the years to such a wide variety of s/m that i figured what he hasnt is what i have assumed he had no interest in...clearly i was wrong on that count.
He first brought it up about 5/6 weeks ago (planted the seed) well it aint growing that seed....im not finding it anymore appealing now than i did 5/6 weeks ago, but i let it sink it, i scoured the internet for information, we spoke about it...but im not thrilled about it....i dont get why he wants to do it..thats bugging me....he has never mentioned it before!
I told him how i felt, he listened, i questioned him as to why he wants to do it because i really cant see the appeal, and i explained that i wasnt comfortable with the idea at all, and although he is taking on board what im saying...im not sure what way his final decision may swing.
So i said to him in a last ditch attempt (and this had been an on/off discussion for weeks) that i didnt think this was something i wanted to do....and the bastard played the 'Master' card...
"you dont have a choice".
Monday, 15 July 2013
Saturday, 13 July 2013
Buzzing overload
Ok so i know what im like, i dwell on things, and i know my friend certainly didnt intend for her comment (last post) to cause this much overthinking but its eating away at me.....and last night i went to bed thinking about it..hence why i blogged about it...and thats probably made it worse coz i was still obsessing about it...hence the rambling here...damn this blog has its uses..even if its not making sense..it helps to get it out..i think!
It tapped into my insecurities, and paranoia, had to talk it out, to straighten things in my head, to get reasurrance, to be rational.
So..... no one can predict the future, no one enters a relationship (i imagine) thinking the worst, you dont enter a relationship wandering if and when it will end.....because i imagine to do so would make one and/or both miserable.
You cant worry about 'what ifs', i trust the Bossman he has never given me any reason not to.
Im not 'knocking' my friend in any way, i get that she has been through a rough time and im sure it has left her mistrusting and perhaps a little bitter...but you cant tar every relationship with the same brush..gosh she would probably be horrified if she knew its caused me this much angst.
It tapped into my insecurities, and paranoia, had to talk it out, to straighten things in my head, to get reasurrance, to be rational.
So..... no one can predict the future, no one enters a relationship (i imagine) thinking the worst, you dont enter a relationship wandering if and when it will end.....because i imagine to do so would make one and/or both miserable.
You cant worry about 'what ifs', i trust the Bossman he has never given me any reason not to.
Im not 'knocking' my friend in any way, i get that she has been through a rough time and im sure it has left her mistrusting and perhaps a little bitter...but you cant tar every relationship with the same brush..gosh she would probably be horrified if she knew its caused me this much angst.
How do you know!
Last night was a girly night, my friend has very recently had her final divorce papers through so we were celebrating, it had been a difficult year and more for her, but she is doing so well, better than she thought she would...so it was kind of a 'finger up' to the ex celebration.
She posed a thought, that most certainly did get all of us thinking..."how safe and secure do you think your relationship is?"
see her ex husband had been having an affair, been going on for at least a year...and she didnt have a clue, as far as she was aware their marriage was doing great, they still had an active sex life, enjoyed family time (they have 3 kids) and in no way did she suspect at all.
and this is what has tormented her the last year, more than anything else.....that she really didnt have a clue! and it knocked her big time that everything she believed was real....wasnt.... that they were happy....gone!, she braved it out for her children but i was worried about her as were her other friends.
They did initially try to work through it but for her the trust was gone and they separated.
But now nearly 2 years on she is doing amazingly, but the scars are there, wary of dating again, trust issues which i think is understandable.
Anyway yeah it did get me thinking.
I trust the bossman completely...(like she trusted her husband?), i suppose a difference being if Master wanted to have sex with someone else..he would be upfront about it..but still....i keep coming back to..
how safe and secure is our relationship? anyones...
She posed a thought, that most certainly did get all of us thinking..."how safe and secure do you think your relationship is?"
see her ex husband had been having an affair, been going on for at least a year...and she didnt have a clue, as far as she was aware their marriage was doing great, they still had an active sex life, enjoyed family time (they have 3 kids) and in no way did she suspect at all.
and this is what has tormented her the last year, more than anything else.....that she really didnt have a clue! and it knocked her big time that everything she believed was real....wasnt.... that they were happy....gone!, she braved it out for her children but i was worried about her as were her other friends.
They did initially try to work through it but for her the trust was gone and they separated.
But now nearly 2 years on she is doing amazingly, but the scars are there, wary of dating again, trust issues which i think is understandable.
Anyway yeah it did get me thinking.
I trust the bossman completely...(like she trusted her husband?), i suppose a difference being if Master wanted to have sex with someone else..he would be upfront about it..but still....i keep coming back to..
how safe and secure is our relationship? anyones...
Thursday, 11 July 2013
Yeah i missed you too!
Kneeling at his feet, he starts questioning me..."you fucked anyone else", "been letting anyone touch your cunt..your ass" the questions come quick, i know he is just 'playing' with me, i have no interest in other men at all....he knows that.
"no, no there is no one else" i reply......."are you sure" and he goes on, im being interrogated and no answer will be the right one and i shoot back aggressively "what about you, you been fucking someone else Sir?", smack his hand connects with my cheek, and again..hard knocking me off balance...
I look down..trying to pull off the 'im really ashamed' look but i cant, being slapped on the face is just an instant turn on, he stands "undress me", i love undressing him, standing i take off his shirt, never losing eye contact with him, kneeling to remove his trousers, his boxers and my mouth latches onto his cock until he pulls on my hair sharply..lastly shoes and socks.
I worship his feet, and i relish this, its such a humbling act, it demonstrates my deference to him, my 'place'...moving up to his cock again before begging him "please fuck me" he obliges, and its rough, relentless..but so desperatley needed.
"no, no there is no one else" i reply......."are you sure" and he goes on, im being interrogated and no answer will be the right one and i shoot back aggressively "what about you, you been fucking someone else Sir?", smack his hand connects with my cheek, and again..hard knocking me off balance...
I look down..trying to pull off the 'im really ashamed' look but i cant, being slapped on the face is just an instant turn on, he stands "undress me", i love undressing him, standing i take off his shirt, never losing eye contact with him, kneeling to remove his trousers, his boxers and my mouth latches onto his cock until he pulls on my hair sharply..lastly shoes and socks.
I worship his feet, and i relish this, its such a humbling act, it demonstrates my deference to him, my 'place'...moving up to his cock again before begging him "please fuck me" he obliges, and its rough, relentless..but so desperatley needed.
Tuesday, 9 July 2013
The sun has got his hat on
I have been away on a mini-break, just me and my daughter, theme park, zoo and shopping, it was a last minute decision, and it was good for us to have some mum/daughter time as with the last few months my son has been taking exams and a lot of focus has been on him, and what with all this worry over him going on holiday....i needed to spend some time with her.
It was lovely, we had a wanderful time, now its back to normality....well normalish! is it sad that i missed blogland?...well sad i am..i have posts to catch up, comments to reply to...and i so want to complain about the heat but i wont....coz i moan when its raining.....but then i am British..this is what we do.
It was lovely, we had a wanderful time, now its back to normality....well normalish! is it sad that i missed blogland?...well sad i am..i have posts to catch up, comments to reply to...and i so want to complain about the heat but i wont....coz i moan when its raining.....but then i am British..this is what we do.
Thursday, 4 July 2013
I hate making decisions
My son and 5 of his friends are off to stay at the villa in the Algarve for 2 weeks, they are all 16, and its taken a lot of thought, discussion with fellow parents to make the decision that they could go....just havent told them that yet.
There good kids, but still as his mum i worry, have i made the right decision?
Its that feeling of being torn between accepting that i have to start 'letting him go' but also wanting to keep him protected, safe, he has been abroad before without us, school trips and skiing with friends and their family..but this will be the first time without direct adult supervision....and yeah im thinking of all the worst scenarios.
Im tempted to let them have the first week and fly out myself on the 2nd week.....i dont know!
There is a couple we and my son knows really well who are close by, they are out there all summer and they have said they will check in on them twice a day so im reassured by that, that they have support there if neccessary....but still its not the same....oh heck i dont know if im trying to convince myself i have made the right decision or im trying to talk myself out of it..and change my mind.
Some friends of mine have said im bonkers letting a group of teenagers go abroad on their own and some have been supportive, saying they are sensible kids, its their opportunity to prove they can be responsible...but heck at the end of the day they are just children.
and..
sometimes being a parent isnt easy, and the older they get the more harder it seems to be.
There good kids, but still as his mum i worry, have i made the right decision?
Its that feeling of being torn between accepting that i have to start 'letting him go' but also wanting to keep him protected, safe, he has been abroad before without us, school trips and skiing with friends and their family..but this will be the first time without direct adult supervision....and yeah im thinking of all the worst scenarios.
Im tempted to let them have the first week and fly out myself on the 2nd week.....i dont know!
There is a couple we and my son knows really well who are close by, they are out there all summer and they have said they will check in on them twice a day so im reassured by that, that they have support there if neccessary....but still its not the same....oh heck i dont know if im trying to convince myself i have made the right decision or im trying to talk myself out of it..and change my mind.
Some friends of mine have said im bonkers letting a group of teenagers go abroad on their own and some have been supportive, saying they are sensible kids, its their opportunity to prove they can be responsible...but heck at the end of the day they are just children.
and..
sometimes being a parent isnt easy, and the older they get the more harder it seems to be.
Tuesday, 2 July 2013
Entitlement
Thankfully it doesnt happen very often, and i cant pinpoint what triggers it, but i have moments of...and i hate to say it but its accurate..temper tantrums..i simply want my own way.
I had an indulgent childhood, i was spoiled, i think the fact that i was the only girl for a long time in a male dominated family contributed to it, i am a stereotypical daddys little princess, i do still call him daddy and he still indulges me.
However in my defence i wasnt a horrid spoilt brat if that makes sense, but i learnt from a young age (as children do) how to manipulate, to 'work' the grown ups to get what i wanted, and well i liked having my own way and more often than not i got it.
But of course one grows up, have children of my own and well mature, but on occassions i do get fixated on feeling like an injustice is being done because he wont let me have something, or do something i want to do..and that mentality of wanting my own way takes over.
I get a sense of entitlement, that he should give into me because....
: 95% of the time (nobodys perfect right?) im good, im obedient and generally do as im told without question
: i serve him in all that he has asked of me and will continue to ask of me, even when im uncomfortable with the idea or simply plain hate it
: he should be damn grateful, because he is strict, he is demanding, and his control over me is absolute...and dammit i love this about him i do..but yeah he should be lucky that i adapted to this very quickly!
When im in this 'mode' those are all i think about, im caught up in wanting what he has denied, and it could be something so trivial that on another occassion being denied the same thing wouldnt bother me at all....and it is rare that i will get this 'drama queenish' over being told "no".
And im thinking "how dare he, what about what i want for a change, its not like i ask for much!" ..i cant be reasoned with in these moments.
Its not a 'tit for tat' relationship as in.."ok i have sucked your cock on demand this week so i want xyz"
But then i calm, and im left feeling ashamed, guilty, sorry.
Because im not entitled to anything based on it being just because...im behaving as he expects and wants me to behave....and i have it good, i know i do, even with his strictness, life is good.
I had an indulgent childhood, i was spoiled, i think the fact that i was the only girl for a long time in a male dominated family contributed to it, i am a stereotypical daddys little princess, i do still call him daddy and he still indulges me.
However in my defence i wasnt a horrid spoilt brat if that makes sense, but i learnt from a young age (as children do) how to manipulate, to 'work' the grown ups to get what i wanted, and well i liked having my own way and more often than not i got it.
But of course one grows up, have children of my own and well mature, but on occassions i do get fixated on feeling like an injustice is being done because he wont let me have something, or do something i want to do..and that mentality of wanting my own way takes over.
I get a sense of entitlement, that he should give into me because....
: 95% of the time (nobodys perfect right?) im good, im obedient and generally do as im told without question
: i serve him in all that he has asked of me and will continue to ask of me, even when im uncomfortable with the idea or simply plain hate it
: he should be damn grateful, because he is strict, he is demanding, and his control over me is absolute...and dammit i love this about him i do..but yeah he should be lucky that i adapted to this very quickly!
When im in this 'mode' those are all i think about, im caught up in wanting what he has denied, and it could be something so trivial that on another occassion being denied the same thing wouldnt bother me at all....and it is rare that i will get this 'drama queenish' over being told "no".
And im thinking "how dare he, what about what i want for a change, its not like i ask for much!" ..i cant be reasoned with in these moments.
Its not a 'tit for tat' relationship as in.."ok i have sucked your cock on demand this week so i want xyz"
But then i calm, and im left feeling ashamed, guilty, sorry.
Because im not entitled to anything based on it being just because...im behaving as he expects and wants me to behave....and i have it good, i know i do, even with his strictness, life is good.
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