But im not allowed to....and i know that

I used to think how i would get around situations that require me having to ask his permission first, i mean its not like you can say to your vanilla friends "sorry im not allowed" because well obvious reasons really, but the soloution was simple "can i get back to you on that, not sure what my/our plans are" i just tend to over worry about silly things...im just a worrier full stop.

Sometimes there are situations that i just know that i wouldnt be given permission for and i make my apologies if appropriate, sometimes situations crop up that i could go ahead and do and he would never know.

It could be something very simple, lets say masturbating as an example (but it could be anything), i am not allowed to do this under any circumstances without his permission, he has recently decided i am not allowed to ask if i can, he decides when and how.

But i could, i could go upstairs now have a nice play with myself, he would be none the wiser, and i would enjoy it, but then afterwards, after the come-down from the orgasm i would feel guilty and i would argue with myself in my head, think image of a devil and angel lol, its ok he wont know, whats the big deal, its my body! and then but im not allowed to, i have disobeyed him, its disrespectful to him and this argument would go back and forth in my head....he wont know/but it was wrong etc etc

Then later we might be talking or whatever but im not really *there* because this battle is still going on in my head, and im on edge, and now its worse because time is getting on, it might even carry on for a couple of days and all the time im feeling worse and worse, especially if he outright asks "Is there something you want to tell me" and then i know he knows i have done something im not allowed to do and i feel trapped....because i *know*.

I know this because i have done this, not for a long while though.

Eventually i spill all and its that proverbial weight being removed from my shoulders.

But its more than just feeling guilt about what i have done, its about trust, he trusts me to behave in a way he expects regardless of if he is around or not, its about respecting his authority over me. 

Not submissive......?

There is a post on a blog, i wont link to it.  It's ruffled a few feathers and i know im not the only one its had this effect on, it made me think however, and i do like that.  Its made me think about how we view our submission, or more to the point how our submission is defined.  Submission to a certain extent is personal, 'my' submission isnt necessarily going to be the same as 'your' submission but does it make any of us any less submissive than the other?

If i state that sometimes i need to be forced, to be pushed does this mean im not submissive? because surely if im submissive i shouldnt need to be, i should willingly and enthusiastically submit to his every command..shouldnt i?

Hmmm.

I aim and strive to be obedient and pleasing, but i know this is going to be completley out there and totally an unreasonable statement and i cant help it but im human...i know..i did say it was going to be totally out there! so because im human, i have emotions, i think, i feel and sometimes (shocker alert coming up) i struggle to submit and it brings about these conflicts because i want/need to please him and yet.....i get afraid and because im afraid i 'fight' against his dominance/control.

(i apologise for the touch of sarcasm above)

I trust him and within what has been agreed in our relationship i have consented for him to choose and decide if and when i need pushing or to be forced, because sometimes i need it, to get me where i need to be and im all the better for it.

Sometimes i like being 'forced', i like that he will make me submit, then i feel guilty because he would much rather i was obedient...but...as long as i dont refuse to obey just to be forced (that he wont tolerate) he rather quite likes it to.

Sometimes he will wait me out, he will play the waiting game, there doesnt need to be force, i will sooner or later 'come around' and i will willingly ask and submit to what previously i balked at, i may have just needed time to process and come to terms with it.

Its dependent on the situation, there are too many variables for me to say what method works best and when but yet the result is the same, sometimes submission isnt easy and when it isnt and its a  struggle and there needs to be a push or to play the waiting game..thats ok.

A bloggy award

Thanks to lil http://submissivesanctuary.blogspot.co.uk/ for nominating me this, the rules are as follows

Display the award logo on your blog
Link back to the person who nominated you
Nominate 15 other bloggers for this award and link back to them
Notify said nominated bloggers
List 7 things about yourself

whew ok 7 things about myself....i accept no responsibilty if these titbits have already been mentioned somewhere in my blog! lol

1.  I live by the sea, within 5 mins walk but i cant swim and im terrified of the sea..i will not go out of my depth thats if i go in it the first place.

2.  I can 'talk' away on here and sometimes my comments on others blogs can ramble on but face to face im shy and if we all ever managed to get together i would be the one in the corner, nervous about meeting and talking, its sometimes misinterpreted as being unfriendly but its not, im not a very confident person with people i just meet or/and dont know well.

3. Im a theme park junkie, most especially roller coasters, love them, but you wouldnt get me on a big wheel/ferris wheel for love nor money!

4.  I sometimes wander if there is something wrong with me because even in ttwd i cant say sex is that important to me, i enjoy it but i dont need it and could certainly manage long periods of time without it if it should happen.

5.  I believe in karma (cause and effect) and that you should treat people how you would want to be treated yourself, and i try to remind myself of this when someone upsets or has caused me harm and really im thinking "i want to rip your fucking head off" it doesnt always work...but i try!

6.  I have read one book on bdsm and D/s relationships and although it was interesting and informative i am a sceptic of these types of books because i dont like 'manuals' that imitate it should be a certain way ie...."A good dominant should be/do xyz" or "A good submissive should be/do xyz" ..... im more a "do it your way" train of thought, i figure we are people, individuals with emotions and different experiences not mass produced flat packed furniture!

7.  When i announce that im going to 'experiment' in the kitchen food wise, they all get out the take-away leaflets..its quite insulting really.

Now i hate this part because there are so many great blogs but at random here are my nominees

http://fondles.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/snippets-lunar-new-year-edition.html

http://cassaundrawithacollar.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/back-from-brink.html?zx=24b1b3bb97b3b52d

http://ownedlittleone.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/my-dark-sense-of-humor.html?zx=1d7761be3f547982

http://faerielernstofly.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/his-fault.html?zx=278d833fde37c49e

http://thesubmissivewife.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/follow-friday-01-25-13.html?zx=d10c997a2af3a0a2

http://subjoolz.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/random-thoughts-for-saturday-afternoon.html?zx=a593e1753e5a3232

http://aslavestale.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/rattle-of-chains.html?zx=13c62221320b5fe0

http://sirqandme.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/well-played.html?zx=d0143800751d9763

http://ourownds.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/my-fascination-with-sadism-and-masochism.html?zx=bb5f7b3c6e22e45d

http://joeyred51-joeyandfriends.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/a-spanking-at-end-of-tunnel.html?zx=8a913cc8709f4126

http://mmd6448.blogspot.co.uk/?zx=2377f60354abe2fc

http://floridadomscorner.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/chirstmas-in-january.html




 

Expecting too much?

I have been pondering (never a good thing) if i expect too much from him, i mean like im submissive but do i always feel like submitting? heck no, and realistically im not always going to be actively submitting but i do get agitated if i dont feel im getting his active dominance, even though duh! he cant always be dominating me...make any sort of logical sense?

I expect him to know when i want something from him, i can ask, and im comfortable with that, but i expect him to know and to then give me what i want...yes i know not very submissive (but i am only human). 

The simple obvious soloution is to just outright state "Sir, i would like you to xyz please" the worst that can happen is i get a "no" and thats ok...ok well its not because then i have to accept that no...and a no is always a no..so no i prefer to ignore the simple soloution and make it more complicated by sitting there getting myself wound up because he isnt reading my mind...and men (not all men) really arent that great with picking up subtle hints.

Actually sometimes i think he does pick up the hints but he chooses to ignore them because he knows what im doing and he is waiting for me to ask..that or he just enjoys knowing im tormenting myself.

I think sometimes i expect his dominance to be in-tune with my submission and thats not always going to happen, but i wander if what im really expecting is him to exert his dominance when i want it and it comes full circle..that he cant or wont want to be dominating me all the time much like i dont always and cant be submitting.

If these rambles make any sense....you deserve a glass of wine...coz thats what im needing.

Vanilla interludes...asking for help isnt always easy

Bloody hell, i had a post nearly finished it (about 'the natural submissive'), internet went down and its gone! not in drafts folder, not published..i guess its out there somewhere.!

Its been a really busy past week, i made a decision before the new year that i needed to cut back on work commitments, i worked while my children were young and i dont regret that but im realising that its now my children are getting older than im missing out on a lot, they are 15 and 10 years, but mostly there missing out on me.

My son and i had a heated argument back in December, things were said in anger and i know he is a stroppy teen (15) but he said something that hurt me, i know it was said to hurt and it did, he shouted at me that...shame you dont care about us (meaning him and his sister) as much as you do about the kids you work with..something along those lines anyway.

Of course i care about the children i work with but my children come first, what i realised though they actually wasnt.  I have missed countless competions and musical talent shows that my daughter has been in (she does debating and plays 3 musical instruments), i missed 2 of my sons 6th form parent evenings, his presentation for making head boy as well as other activities they both do.

Its not so much the being at school that is the issue becaue they are at school themselves, its the mountain of paperwork and evening appointments, 3 days a week im in the school until 7pm, sometimes 8, so by the time i get home im tired, cranky and catching up on home stuff.  Then there are appointments with specialists, to discuss childs progress which often are out of school hours, helping parents with their statements, advice etc and again out of school hours, i love my job...and damn it i am good at it, but its getting too much.

So im in the process of cutting back, as it stood i was responsible for 17 statemented children, i am trying to get it down to 10, ideally 6, its not easy and i feel guilty that im passing the buck to someone else to take them on, but my children need to come first, i dont want to spend this year saying "im sorry but i cant make xyz" or "not now, im busy".

I confuse myself sometimes

Because i like it should be enough.

It should be enough.  Its not.  Its easier to say "i have no choice" or i reason that he is the boss and if he wants to do these 'nasty' things to me, im doing it to please him..these are valid reasons.

There are things i dont like and would rather not have to do, but yet if he were to say we will no longer do them..i would miss them....because

I like having to submit to things i dont like doing.

Or maybe im not being honest with myself and i do actually like it but because its so 'wrong' to like these things i have convinced myself that i dont, on discussing this with the bossman his stance is that he would not do anything that i genuinely detested and gained no pleasure from at all, and i do not agree...am i in denial?

See he likes hurting me, he especially likes it when im struggling and im not wanting it...so im not liking it, i truely dont at times...but his answer "so why are you dripping wet then"....well duh coz im a masochist, pain arouses me, i think im just not in control of my masochism...my pussy betrays me when every other part of my body is screaming no.

But its more humiliation and being treated in a degrading manner that i struggle with, somethings i dont mind admitting to, that i like them but then hmm i think its that im concious that some of these 'things' im embarrassed about because i like them...i dont know..so its easier to say he makes me and i have no choice.

Just here...surely not?

After reading Aisha's post http://beingaisha.wordpress.com/2013/01/16/how-does-it-work/  and also when i mentioned it to Cassandra she had not heard of it, it occurred to me that the term RACK is not widely recognised or acknowledged, its generally SSC that is considered the way to go..and i thought maybe its just here (here being the UK) because i dont recall RACK being used/mentioned on blogs that are written by those in the US or elsewhere but yet its a fairly common term here....or maybe im missing it!

SSC...Safe, Sane and Consenual

RACK..Risk Aware Consenual Kink

It is i guess just another label to add to the plethora of others, what differientiates the two? SSC is about being safe and sane, which is reasonable, more than reasonable but yet there are 'activities' within bdsm that one may not consider safe and sane, there is an element of risk, perhaps more accuratley there is a higher level of risk involved in some things than others.  By default some of these 'activities' because of the level of risk involved may not be considered sane.

Rack implies that the risk is acknowledged and both parties are aware of said risks, of course safety is paramount, but yet there is still risk, but nevertheless its an 'activity' that is engaged in.  Breath play perhaps being an ideal example.  I love breath play and it can take a few forms, my favourite is wearing the rubber hood which just has 2 thin nasal tubes for breathing, i like being tied down and having him clench the tubes and therefore cutting off my air supply.  There are other forms of this i/we enjoy.

Commonly known as erotic asphyxiation....this has risks, huge risks....so is it safe? is it sane?  well thats really down to the people that choose to engage in it. 

So yes we tend to follow the priniciples of Rack but as safe as is possible, but still i wander if its a term that is mostly known here.