So im still juggling with these ramblings in my head and i tend to go off the path that i started on, but im still trying to make some sense of understanding why we form these judgements as adults. After reading through my previous post and my feelings towards sex and how my attitude with sex probably has been influenced by my upbringing but not exclusively im still no further ahead but nevertheless it got those thoughts out my head and written down.
When i blog i sometimes write like im talking to someone similar i guess to a child having an imaginary friend its the easiest way i find to write whats on my mind but i have noticed that when i do this and i get carried away i let out more than i had intended....not sure how i feel about that! im not one for letting people in but another realisation im getting better and finding it easier....its been pointed out that i use humour a lot to mask what im really thinking/feeling and yes i do.
I spoke to the friend yesterday it was awkward, she felt awful and well i have calmed down, its a start but you know when the cats out the bag its not going back in....just have to deal with it as best as can..its changed things..for me more than her i suspect because that one comment made changes how i think she would percieve me, judge me if she knew.
But the bigger picture is i cant blame her for her reaction, im pretty sure many, many people would react in the same way to me if they knew all, i know there is nothing wrong with who i am and what i do....technology may be advancing and improving fast all the time, people not so much we are improving but at a slow pace.
Thursday, 24 May 2012
Tuesday, 22 May 2012
Thoughts on influences
Since the blow up with my friend its been on my mind a lot, i have calmed down but not enough to try to mend the broken fence, its made me question a lot.
I think perhaps being in this lifestyle makes one more tolerant of others lifestyles and relationships, im open minded and there isnt a lot that fazes me now and i dont mean that in a know it all way because i certainly dont...know it all that is but through the bossman i have had my eyes well and truely opened to a myraid of different experiences that he has talked to me about in his past..no he doesnt know it all either but he does have a lot of experiences (coz he is an oldie lol)
Im trying to play devils advocate and be understanding about the negative judgement of people for example the issue of not wanting a gay man around children. I think when we are children and easily influenced by people parents, teachers etc we trust around us this has a huge impact and contributes to how we may think and behave as adults.
My mum for example was brought up in a time when sex wasnt discussed beyond explaining how babies are made and her mother raised her to view sex as being for that purpose only, in turn when raising me and my brother sex wasnt discussed in our house, not even to explain how babies are made i was left to learn about that from friends and school.
Subsequently i was very naive about sex and in a way scared of it because i didnt see it as something that could or should be enjoyable, so i was a late start sexually and still even now have hangups about sex, nothing major but im not confident sexually, i have a complex about not being very experienced with sex and then shame that i do enjoy the sexual acts that i engage in with Master but i shouldnt.
I am better though, i used to cringe when Master would call me his slut, i would get defensive, im not a slut i viewed that as being tainted because no one wants a slut, now it doesnt bother me it all and i dont see it negatively, im his slut and proud of it...but yet just saying that still makes me a little uncomfortable..so there is still that element of shame there albeit very small so perhaps even as i type this i realise that it does bother me just in a very teeny weeny way.
I even struggle with saying words like cunt, pussy, (coz there dirty words) when talking to Master i will refer to it as "down there"
I dont know whether i can blame why i am like i am on my mother, there are other reasons but yes i think it was a huge influence on why i have had these issues and it can take a lot to undo what has been ingrained into us from a young age.
Im going to come back to this...
I think perhaps being in this lifestyle makes one more tolerant of others lifestyles and relationships, im open minded and there isnt a lot that fazes me now and i dont mean that in a know it all way because i certainly dont...know it all that is but through the bossman i have had my eyes well and truely opened to a myraid of different experiences that he has talked to me about in his past..no he doesnt know it all either but he does have a lot of experiences (coz he is an oldie lol)
Im trying to play devils advocate and be understanding about the negative judgement of people for example the issue of not wanting a gay man around children. I think when we are children and easily influenced by people parents, teachers etc we trust around us this has a huge impact and contributes to how we may think and behave as adults.
My mum for example was brought up in a time when sex wasnt discussed beyond explaining how babies are made and her mother raised her to view sex as being for that purpose only, in turn when raising me and my brother sex wasnt discussed in our house, not even to explain how babies are made i was left to learn about that from friends and school.
Subsequently i was very naive about sex and in a way scared of it because i didnt see it as something that could or should be enjoyable, so i was a late start sexually and still even now have hangups about sex, nothing major but im not confident sexually, i have a complex about not being very experienced with sex and then shame that i do enjoy the sexual acts that i engage in with Master but i shouldnt.
I am better though, i used to cringe when Master would call me his slut, i would get defensive, im not a slut i viewed that as being tainted because no one wants a slut, now it doesnt bother me it all and i dont see it negatively, im his slut and proud of it...but yet just saying that still makes me a little uncomfortable..so there is still that element of shame there albeit very small so perhaps even as i type this i realise that it does bother me just in a very teeny weeny way.
I even struggle with saying words like cunt, pussy, (coz there dirty words) when talking to Master i will refer to it as "down there"
I dont know whether i can blame why i am like i am on my mother, there are other reasons but yes i think it was a huge influence on why i have had these issues and it can take a lot to undo what has been ingrained into us from a young age.
Im going to come back to this...
Saturday, 19 May 2012
Ignorance
In the uk gay people can now legally marry in a civil service so i guess you could say thats a huge leap in social acceptance, of course there will always be those that are against this but its happened and its progress but for some people its more than being just against gay people getting married its just the fact that there gay and there perceptions are just based on ignorance.
I have a friend whom i have known for many years since we were children and we have children of the same age, during school holidays i look after her children 2 days a week as im home (an advantage of working in a school is it fits perfect with having the holidays off) and in return she has my daughter one day each week during school term when i work late doing after school clubs so its an arrangement that suits us both.
I went to see her on Thursday to let her know that i would not be able to have her children on the upcoming half term as i was going on a course for the school, my children are being looked after my cousin during the day and he kindly offerred to look after hers as well as they all know each other, her initial reaction was a look of horror albeit very fleetingly and she garbled that its ok she would make other arrangements, muttering its unfair to expect him to have hers as well....too late!
I noticed her immediate reaction and me being me asked if there was a problem with him looking after her children her reply was "well he's gay" i should have left well alone at this point but well i couldnt, i wanted to know what she was implying, yes he is gay and has been for many many years pretty much knew he was from a young age and has until recently been in a long term relationship.
He has looked after both of my children on numerous occassions, he has had them both overnight when sometimes i have gone away with Master, i trust him completley the fact he is gay just hasnt been an issue and my children know he is and because they have grown up having him as part of their lives its not an issue for them either, heck even my 15yr old son who is at that horrid judgemental age will go to him for help with school projects especially if its science..so there both comfortable with him.
So i was wound up at her response and even more so when i pushed the matter and she went on to say she didnt think it appropriate for a gay man to be with children especially boys, it took a lot of willpower not to tell her about my dynamic with the bossman and what we do and does that make me not suitable to be with children? i didnt of course but i was so enraged i had to leave before things were said that couldnt be taken back.
Things are left like that, she hasnt contacted me and i sure as hell am not contacting her, i feel saddenned that someone whom i consider a close friend could have such an ignorant attitute and one i havent picked up on before, i dont know at this time if we can put this behind us, for me i have taken it personally...perhaps i should have just left it but whats done is done. Its also made me realise that no matter how far we think society has progressed there is still a lot of ignorance out there and more than likely there always will be.
I have a friend whom i have known for many years since we were children and we have children of the same age, during school holidays i look after her children 2 days a week as im home (an advantage of working in a school is it fits perfect with having the holidays off) and in return she has my daughter one day each week during school term when i work late doing after school clubs so its an arrangement that suits us both.
I went to see her on Thursday to let her know that i would not be able to have her children on the upcoming half term as i was going on a course for the school, my children are being looked after my cousin during the day and he kindly offerred to look after hers as well as they all know each other, her initial reaction was a look of horror albeit very fleetingly and she garbled that its ok she would make other arrangements, muttering its unfair to expect him to have hers as well....too late!
I noticed her immediate reaction and me being me asked if there was a problem with him looking after her children her reply was "well he's gay" i should have left well alone at this point but well i couldnt, i wanted to know what she was implying, yes he is gay and has been for many many years pretty much knew he was from a young age and has until recently been in a long term relationship.
He has looked after both of my children on numerous occassions, he has had them both overnight when sometimes i have gone away with Master, i trust him completley the fact he is gay just hasnt been an issue and my children know he is and because they have grown up having him as part of their lives its not an issue for them either, heck even my 15yr old son who is at that horrid judgemental age will go to him for help with school projects especially if its science..so there both comfortable with him.
So i was wound up at her response and even more so when i pushed the matter and she went on to say she didnt think it appropriate for a gay man to be with children especially boys, it took a lot of willpower not to tell her about my dynamic with the bossman and what we do and does that make me not suitable to be with children? i didnt of course but i was so enraged i had to leave before things were said that couldnt be taken back.
Things are left like that, she hasnt contacted me and i sure as hell am not contacting her, i feel saddenned that someone whom i consider a close friend could have such an ignorant attitute and one i havent picked up on before, i dont know at this time if we can put this behind us, for me i have taken it personally...perhaps i should have just left it but whats done is done. Its also made me realise that no matter how far we think society has progressed there is still a lot of ignorance out there and more than likely there always will be.
Tuesday, 15 May 2012
Emotional deatchment within sadism
Still feeling shit, all bunged up and breathing like Darth Vadar, and to top it all off my daughter had a minor accident on a climbing frame which was a rush to casualty job, thankfully no broken bones but very sore and in pain so we are both home and spent yesterday curled up on the sofa watching childrens tv.....im loving Spongebob.
When i was ready to seek out a new relationship after my first D/s experience ended i had a pretty good idea of what i wanted and experience was a must have for the reason being that as i was relatively inexperienced i wanted someone that wasnt, what i wanted was someone that was confident and competent in their abilities not just regarding s/m but with D/s relationships.....i wanted someone i could learn from....and on a personal level i do prefer the older man so yes i guess you could say i was very specific in what i wanted....gosh and i call him anal!
Master on the otherhand, his preference was for the older women (older than what i was at the time), with experience both with s/m and the workings of an M/s dynamic, he was not seeking a relationship with emotional ties...he wasnt seeking a relationship full stop other than strictly Master/slave dynamic....he likes/demands obedience..and he got me hahaha..
In the beginning he was emotionaly detached and distant, i half expected that as he made it clear he was not looking for a relationship and i was ok with that initially, he was providing me with the experiences i fantasised and craved about. As time went on it changed, i cant pinpoint when or how it changed but it did and well here we are still going and i dont think either of us expected that which i know seems such a pessimistic thing to say.
I think i have a better understanding now of his emotional detachment most especially in regards to s/m, he still sometimes when we play hard becomes detached, like he cant allow emotions to get in the way of his intentions, i have noticed that when his intentions is to hurt me a lot, more than what im comfortable with he gets this way and afterwards he can be cold as well.
I have wandered if this is for him a way of dealing with his need to inflict pain, i actually have never outright asked him i should do really, i handle it better now than i used to, it used to cause me conflict that he could be so cold when i needed him the most after a hard session when i needed comfort. He is great with dealing with the physical aspects of aftercare but not so much the emotional side not straightaway anyway.
Its usually much later that we talk about what happened, how i feel etc and i have become accustomed to that, i know perhaps to some it may appear cruel how he is at times but its the way he is, we both are not what i would call openly emotional people him definitly not.
When i was ready to seek out a new relationship after my first D/s experience ended i had a pretty good idea of what i wanted and experience was a must have for the reason being that as i was relatively inexperienced i wanted someone that wasnt, what i wanted was someone that was confident and competent in their abilities not just regarding s/m but with D/s relationships.....i wanted someone i could learn from....and on a personal level i do prefer the older man so yes i guess you could say i was very specific in what i wanted....gosh and i call him anal!
Master on the otherhand, his preference was for the older women (older than what i was at the time), with experience both with s/m and the workings of an M/s dynamic, he was not seeking a relationship with emotional ties...he wasnt seeking a relationship full stop other than strictly Master/slave dynamic....he likes/demands obedience..and he got me hahaha..
In the beginning he was emotionaly detached and distant, i half expected that as he made it clear he was not looking for a relationship and i was ok with that initially, he was providing me with the experiences i fantasised and craved about. As time went on it changed, i cant pinpoint when or how it changed but it did and well here we are still going and i dont think either of us expected that which i know seems such a pessimistic thing to say.
I think i have a better understanding now of his emotional detachment most especially in regards to s/m, he still sometimes when we play hard becomes detached, like he cant allow emotions to get in the way of his intentions, i have noticed that when his intentions is to hurt me a lot, more than what im comfortable with he gets this way and afterwards he can be cold as well.
I have wandered if this is for him a way of dealing with his need to inflict pain, i actually have never outright asked him i should do really, i handle it better now than i used to, it used to cause me conflict that he could be so cold when i needed him the most after a hard session when i needed comfort. He is great with dealing with the physical aspects of aftercare but not so much the emotional side not straightaway anyway.
Its usually much later that we talk about what happened, how i feel etc and i have become accustomed to that, i know perhaps to some it may appear cruel how he is at times but its the way he is, we both are not what i would call openly emotional people him definitly not.
Monday, 14 May 2012
Oh yes now i remember
Its turned out for the best that Friday night wasnt able to happen as i woke up that morning full of cold and to be blunt feeling shit, so definitley in no fit state for any play. I have found that ever since i had the flu a few years back which developed into pnemonia when i get a cold it tends to go straight to my chest and invariably i get a chest infection.....so im being good and resting, drinking lots of water etc etc to try and keep it from getting worse.
So i have been taking things easy and catching up with friends, reading and replying to emails which im terribly slack at and an im (instant messenger) popped up saying hello, how are you?, initially i didnt recognise the nic used but i knew it must be someone i know on some level as i dont give out my im details to just anyone and i need Masters permission to do so in the first place....if its someone other than family and close friends.
Being curious and embarrassed i had to ask them who they were and it was a man who we had met with a few years before with his wife but had lost contact, so we chatted for a while catching up, he is primarily a submissive male but was curious about dominating but not his wife, his wife was i would say the dominant but yet it wasnt something she felt comfortable being referred as, they were back when we first met still exploring D/s and were more kink orientated than any form of dynamic being present.
I recall feeling like we was a novelty act not in a horrible way but although they were competent in the area of kink they enjoyed they had never interacted with anyone in an M/s relationship and they found us fascinating, when we arranged to meet up for the purpose of play (she wanted to learn how to use a cane, cue me the guinea pig!) the look on their faces when we turned up complete with me in collar and lead and then promptly kneeling at his feet when he sat down was priceless!....i dont generally go around with a collar and lead but when we was meeting people its what put me at ease, they were i guess my security blanket, they made me feel safe and i always kneel at his feet when its appropriate to do so. He said they was expecting us to turn up in full on leather gear!!! lol the only time Master wears leathers is when he is going on his bike, apparently we looked 'normal' apart from the collar and lead.
So it was nice chatting to him having a catch up talking about the good times we all got up to, he did tell me that he still had a desire to dominate (but still bottom to his wife) but his wife wasnt too keen on him having his own sub and she herself didnt want him dominating her, i didnt know what to say to that it must i imagine be very difficult to be in that situation which is basically what i said to him. We talked about experience, he wants to gain experience in dominating but is unable to, it led to an interesting conversation on experience which is actually what i was going to post about but it just didnt flow that way when i started writing so another time as it did make me ponder a few things.
So i have been taking things easy and catching up with friends, reading and replying to emails which im terribly slack at and an im (instant messenger) popped up saying hello, how are you?, initially i didnt recognise the nic used but i knew it must be someone i know on some level as i dont give out my im details to just anyone and i need Masters permission to do so in the first place....if its someone other than family and close friends.
Being curious and embarrassed i had to ask them who they were and it was a man who we had met with a few years before with his wife but had lost contact, so we chatted for a while catching up, he is primarily a submissive male but was curious about dominating but not his wife, his wife was i would say the dominant but yet it wasnt something she felt comfortable being referred as, they were back when we first met still exploring D/s and were more kink orientated than any form of dynamic being present.
I recall feeling like we was a novelty act not in a horrible way but although they were competent in the area of kink they enjoyed they had never interacted with anyone in an M/s relationship and they found us fascinating, when we arranged to meet up for the purpose of play (she wanted to learn how to use a cane, cue me the guinea pig!) the look on their faces when we turned up complete with me in collar and lead and then promptly kneeling at his feet when he sat down was priceless!....i dont generally go around with a collar and lead but when we was meeting people its what put me at ease, they were i guess my security blanket, they made me feel safe and i always kneel at his feet when its appropriate to do so. He said they was expecting us to turn up in full on leather gear!!! lol the only time Master wears leathers is when he is going on his bike, apparently we looked 'normal' apart from the collar and lead.
So it was nice chatting to him having a catch up talking about the good times we all got up to, he did tell me that he still had a desire to dominate (but still bottom to his wife) but his wife wasnt too keen on him having his own sub and she herself didnt want him dominating her, i didnt know what to say to that it must i imagine be very difficult to be in that situation which is basically what i said to him. We talked about experience, he wants to gain experience in dominating but is unable to, it led to an interesting conversation on experience which is actually what i was going to post about but it just didnt flow that way when i started writing so another time as it did make me ponder a few things.
Friday, 11 May 2012
Well there are scary similarities
Apart from number 5 and 10 these could well be Masterisms...number 9 being a bit dubious because like hell does it hurt him more than me but still it fits in a my logic sort of way.
Thursday, 10 May 2012
ooooh yeah its not just me that messes up
Gutted...apparently i was meant to be having a date with the outside whipping post and i dread to think what else tomorrow night but a fuck up on his part....oooh yes him not me can i just repeat that... he who is so precise, organised and anal messed up...not that im taking enjoyment from his mistake you understand....but yeah the big bad dom got it wrong..ok i shall stop with the smugness now.
He had it all organised, i have been kept on the edge for longer than i want to dwell on, getting me all wound up ready for a nice long hard session which he tends to do when its going to be intense and.......he is on a week long course which starts tomorrow not the Friday after which is what i was told..so yea im guessing im going to have to wait that little bit longer....come to think of it why am i being smug its just longer to keep me hanging on..dammit.
He had it all organised, i have been kept on the edge for longer than i want to dwell on, getting me all wound up ready for a nice long hard session which he tends to do when its going to be intense and.......he is on a week long course which starts tomorrow not the Friday after which is what i was told..so yea im guessing im going to have to wait that little bit longer....come to think of it why am i being smug its just longer to keep me hanging on..dammit.
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