Begging

Is it just me that struggles with begging? is there a right or wrong way to do it? if i attempt it i sound and feel like a petulant child which im pretty sure isnt the desired result, it comes accross as whinging it makes me feel insecure and very self concious...in short i feel pathetic.

I suppose it depends on the context the begging is done in, i think its a lot harder to beg for something i really really want rather than begging for something to stop, when its begging for something to stop its raw, genuine begging demonstrating i have been pushed to beyond my limit the desperation is very real.

I am allowed to ask for whatever i would like (within reason) and if its a no then its a no, begging is not an option but if its a "perhaps" or similar then there is more leeway and the option of begging is available.  So then it depends on how much i want what i have asked for and yea my mood plays a significant part, if its something trivial i can shrug it off but sometimes i really really want what i have requested.

Being on my knees in front of him, head lowered to his feet is always a good start, i dont have a problem with that it demonstrates the imbalance of our relationship that i am deferring to him, a position of humility on this occassion acknowledging that he has the control over whether to grant or deny my request.

It starts off reasonably well "please Sir may i ......"  "if it pleases you Sir" etc etc but its trying to keep the frustration at bay and to not let my tone of voice in any way get stroppy, to get past the humiliation and yes as much as i love most forms of humiliation i do find begging humiliating in a way that im not entirely comfortable with which makes it all the more difficult which in turn pleases him all the more witnessing my discomfort.

Begging isnt about negotiating with him or topping from the bottom, it is a verbal and physical way of highlighting the power exchange and it can be over something so very simple, something that we take for granted in everyday life which he can choose to give or take away at his will.

But still im rubbish at it.

Just being

Those moments of just being are moments i cherish, forget the s/m, the sex, forget all the various hurdles that have to be overcome as much as they are in our relationship and have their own importance they matter little when i can just be.

Just being is having those moments of clarity where im happy, content in my place, its moments when it all makes sense, when i dont allow myself to over complicate matters, just being is welcoming and embracing the safety,security and loving that his control and dominance provides me with.....i just wish i could 'just be' more often..why fight against what makes us both happy!

A game of snakes and ladders

I have come to a conclusion (i reserve the right to change my mind at any given time) that i beat myself up more than he does, i have wandered if im hard work i know i can be, i seem to go through phases of pushing him..is that normal?   i stress myself out that im not as submissive as i should be, sure its normal to push but really its been like 5 years shouldnt i know better by now?  its not like we are in the early days of testing boundries..i feel like its a game of snakes and ladders i get closer to the end goal sometimes i excel myself and up the ladder i go and then just when its all going well i slip down the snake and before i know it back to square one.

Thankfully its the weekend yay after an unsettling week it cant come quick enough, no plans for the weekend which is unusual but nice, Master has agreed to a request i made and yea well i think well actually im not thinking....im taking the thinking cap off im just going to let what will be be.

For the best..old and new challenges

The weekend couldnt come quick enough its been an emotional week at work, the little autistic chap i work with has had his final assessment and its concluded that he will be unable to go any further through mainstream school.  I sat and wrote my opinions on Monday evening after putting it off for as long as possible, and i know he would be better off in an environement that is more suited to his needs and that we (the school) are unable to meet those needs any further so yes its all for the best..i know that.

His mum is so upset and thats hit me the hardest, she is desperate for him to fit in, she wanted him to continue where he is, she came to me last week looking for my support, to back her up and i couldnt give her that, i have become attached to the little chap and its upset me but i couldnt let my emotions cloud whats best for him, and i feel so very sorry for his mum that she thinks everyone is against her...like every mum she wants the best for her child, im hoping she will realise that this is all being done (placing him with a suitable special school) because we want the best for him to.

I love my job very much and i know realistically im not a failure, but yea a part of me feels what could i have done better, could i have done more but i cant dwell on that im going to make the most of spending the next 2 months with him before we break up for summer and he moves on.  More forms and assesments to do, try as best as possible to help him adjust to moving to a new school, we are going to visit it next week to start the process of helping him to adjust easier.

In the meantime im working with another child that has really bad behavioural problems, after spending 10 minutes in the company of the parents i can fully understand why he is having behavioural problems, but its not my place to judge...but we all do i think to one degree or another.  Im inclined to think its the parents that need working on their behaviour not the child but never mind its a new challenge and i will do my best.

Just a tantrum..to get off my chest

I know you dont like my hair short, yes i knew it would not go down well, your not pleased..well nothing new there then!  have i been deliberatley pushing your buttons? yes i have and your so bloody calm about it well of course you would be nothing ruffles your feathers does it!  Have you any idea how infuriating that is? normal people would have lost their rag by now, but you know how to push my buttons dont you....one word responses and your silence is enough....i feel guilty, im ashamed of how i have behaved of late because i have wanted your attention....ok more specifically i wanted the sadist to come out to play.

Now i know that soon im going to get your attention and im going to wish i didnt....but your waiting me out, watching me dig my own grave, you will give me what i want when it suits you and it will be more than i want and yes what i deserve...i will be sorry, i am sorry, very sorry but you wont hear it because its too late.  Why havent i learnt not to attempt to play these games with you, it never ends well not for me anyway, its always so much better when im good, you like good, good means i get a more pleasureable painful session rather that biting off more than i can chew.

Hair be gone

I have had my hair cut drastically, i did have really long hair falling down to lower back, bossman likes my hair long, he likes to pull it...now i have short hair...really short hair (un-pullable short hair)...i hate it, i dont even want to dwell on his reaction (not positive)....was i feeling a little bit rebellious? yes i was... do i feel good about myself at this moment? nope and not just about the hair cut.

To tweet or twittter woooooo

My mate is attempting to drag me into the modern way of communicating, i got facebook i dont use it if it wasnt the for the fact that i get to know what my teenage son is up to i would delete the account, everytime i do log on im getting requests to help with farming or other randomness!!!wtf am i missing something? ok i admit i did get kind of addicted to this stupid bubble popping game so stupid and simple but so addictive...i had to wean myself off it...yes i know sad.

Now the mate is insisting that i get twitter which i have never looked at, apparently its the new way to keep in touch (are phones out of date now?) on probing mate further as to what the point is she couldnt give me a reasonable answer.  What am i supposed to twitter about..seriously my life isnt that exciting, get up,  make breakfast, go work, come home, housework, cook dinner, catch up with everybodys day and go bed.....alright ok throw a bit of sex and kink in but its not like thats a constant part of my everyday life..well maybe in some form or another its present....but mostly its yep same shit, different day.

Finally get to why its crucial i get twitter, the mate would like twitter but she doesnt want to be on her own! she needs a follower and this is where i come in apparentley i need to be her first follower, im still not entirely convinced, firstly you can only type about one sentence...really this is me we are talking about i need like 3 paragraphs to get my point accross! the fact that what im trying to say could be summed up in one sentence is entirely irrelevant.

On the upside she assures me there is no games or farming ville to irritate me, but still what exactly am i meant to twitter or is it tweet, ok i get that its a form of communicating much like this blog in a way although here its rambled thoughts and i can write as much or as little as i like, if i was twittering right now what i would i put..oh yes "still no bloody orgasms" the bossman is being very stubborn and infuriating with his analness which is irritating the life out of me right now....and in other news i have toothache i am putting off going to the dentists for as long as possible well until im forced to go.

So anyway the mate is coming around this afternoon for round 2 in convincing me i need to twitter, i shall get the wine out...i think im going to need it.