Perceptions

Im embracing my inner goddess.....no eye rolling now!

So the book..i dont even need to name the book do i? its everywhere, i have read the first one, i have read part of the second...i couldnt do no more...my eyes were rolling more than the female lead.  But this book makes me wander how we (those that practice bdms or are in D/s dynamics) are portrayed.

I read some reviews from people that have bought the book...

"The female lead is schizophrenic.

The male lead needs to go to prison."

"The BDSM is portrayed so badly that I feel genuinely sorry for the community. Did James do no research at all?"

"Apparently, I've got the wrong `wow' factor. I don't feel like, `wow, this is incredible', I feel like, `wow, this is disturbingly unhealthy'".

 "Like a lot of romances, it boasts very familiar male-female dynamics. Hot, rich, older guy falls in love/lust with young, naïve, innocent (and again, not too sharp) girl. She “cures” him of his evil disease (in this case, bdsm and a strange reticence to touching his chest) and makes him see the light. So… if that’s your thing, go for it."

and my personal favourite (said tongue in cheek)

"Anastasia is an immature insecure desperate idiot who wants to become the whore of Babylon. She just wants to listen to her inner goddess (wtf?!) and have creepy monkey sex with Grey. She has no personality nor will whatsoever, she gets excited over the smallest and most idiotic things you can imagine and even though she sees how wrong Grey (the sick f*ck) is, she still goes for it. She’s always mooning over Grey like he’s some kind of god that she’s supposed to worship. He tells her that he doesn’t want a serious relationship just sex and she’s still ok with it. Why? Just because he’s hot? He’s a damn disgusting pervert. He hurt her the first time they made love, she was a virgin for Christ’s sake (and I don’t buy the crap with it being perfect, surely she had vaginal cracks after that), and is treating her like a slave. Even though he’s a successful businessman and he’s rich and famous he still can be a psychopath. Just watch American Psycho and you’ll know what I’m talking about."

Ok fair enough this is only a small sample and i obviously have picked out the negative comments for the purpose of this blog..but there were many to pick from, its one of those books you will either love or hate.

I didnt enjoy it because i dont think it helped in the way that bdsm and D/s is potrayed, will it encourage people to be more curious about bdsm?  i suspect so but if its soley based on reading this book then i think there is a huge possibility they are going to be disillousioned....i can see it now an influx of 'submissives' seeking their Christian Gray...i actually feel sorry for genuine single male dominants!

Im aware that i am most probably in the minority it is after all a commercial success and its not all bad as far as a romance story goes, i dont think bdsm needed to be in it, im still not entirely sure why it was...perhaps thats what it needed to stand out amongst all the other romantic fiction...so publicity wise it worked....but i have to wander at whose expense.

I feel i should add a disclaimer *these are my views only*

Bdsm room 101

So room 101 anyone familiar with George Orwell's book Nineteen Eighty-Four will know what im referring to there is also a television programme called Room 101, the idea being that people can choose 3 things which they would put into room 101 to be banished...it is in effect peoples worst nightmare...so i figure i need a bdsm room 101.

1.  Inflatable butt plugs....i love anal, i can just about tolerate standard butt plugs but i detest inflatable ones, the mere threat of it makes me compliant  (well most of the time)...there is nothing pleasant about having ones ass blown up.

2.  Dressage whip.....its designed for horses for goodness sake, i do not have skin like a horse!, its a longish flexible rod that is very whippy with a tail on the end....i hate it out of all the whips he may use this one is without a doubt the worst for me..if im not restrained im running.

3.  Heavy weights.....on nipples and labia, light yes.  I mean do i need to say anymore....im screaming for them to come off before he has even finished attaching them.

Alas as much as i would like to see these banished sadist that he is wont allow it...mean i say just mean!

oh fuck (excuse the language)

Oh my goodness what to do!!! my son has just stood on the schools african land snail which i voulunteered to look after at the weekend...its now stuck to the bottom of his trainer!  Dilema do i spend my mothering sunday tomorrow locating a replacement or do i come clean....fuck....poor Enrique (the snail).

A glass or perhaps bottle of wine to contemplate.

Hard limits...what are they? or is it whose are they?

I very rarely will remove posts or comments (unless its blatant spam) from the blog, i think part of blogging is accepting that opinions differ and we dont always agree with everyone and im all for healthy debate, i wont remove content because someone may happen to disagree with me or they find what i have written offensive or they have just simply interpreted it differently that happens....there are exceptions...complete and utter disrespect and rudeness being one of them.

There are certain subjects within bdsm and the M/s lifestyle that seem to attract controversy and the discussion of limits is one of them, i have written about limits before a few years ago actually and my opinions on that has changed since (go figure people actually change, mature and dare i say it learn from experiences)...ok apologies for the sarcasm.....i do wander if some people dont get my british sense of humour.

I struggle with the idea of stating that something is a hard limit and we can assume that a hard limit is something that is completley not negotiable under any circumstances..bottom line its not happening at all ever.  I absolutley get wound right up when the subject of hard limits come up and there is always the no minors/kids...is it just me that thinks that shouldnt even need to be brought up..it should be just a given, when i think of limits these are areas that are associated with bdsm and and activities within the alternative lifestyle...ie adults only.

An expectation we have is not to do anything intentionally that would permenantley damage me physically or mentally (not including permenant marks), and then there are things that he has absolutley no interest in so therefore we dont do them unless he should change his mind in the future.  When i chose to give over all control to him that included what i would and would not do, not liking something was not allowed to be a hard limit (in effect this meant my limits became his to control) and i had to be open to having things i dont like or didnt want to do being explored if he should choose to do so.

Now this does not mean its a case of him going woohoo i can do what i like to her and string me up and do every nasty thing he can think of regardless to how it effects me...well he could but that would be damaging and we dont do damage not intentionally.  Nor does it mean i have done everything or that i ever will...there is a huge range of possibilities out there, nor does it mean he will expect me to.

What it does mean is he expects me to be open to the endless possibilities and to be receptive to working on them should he choose to guide me there, it wont and doesnt happen overnight, it could take weeks, months, it could never happen....it just might be too much for me in a physical or mental way in which case its left alone perhaps permantley or perhaps to revisit at a later date.

This is why i struggle with defining hard limits because people change, they grow with experience and what once was a hard limit may not be in the future so by definition it was never a hard limit if we are using the defintion i used in second paragraph.  If i had stuck with my hard limits and been adamant about not giving them up i would have held myself back not just from me but from him and i dont want that.....its not easy in fact i bloody struggle....but its just right for us.

Anyway back to comments i had one made on an old post, i removed it, i deliberated at first i was upset then i was angry the commentator was horrified that i welcome and condone domestic violence because i had stated that i like to be slapped in the face and im abused, i do also like to be punched but not in the face and these were originally way back hard limits for me...well to be honest i cant say they were actually because they wasnt something that crossed my mind.  The comment was aggressive and totally disrespectful to me and towards my Master....and i wont tolerate that.

I do not on any level condone domestic violence or abuse..this lifestyle is about consent given willingly, i would not read a blog about someone experiencing dv and say to them "whats the matter with you...nothing wrong with a good slap in the face" it would be highly inappropriate.  Im pretty sure that there are many many people out there that think what i and my Master do is inappropriate and wrong and thats ok, i would not and dont expect people to always 'get' where im coming from. 

I dont expect to be judged because my 'ideal' does not fit with someone elses, disagree by all means but disparaging comments have no place.

not today...nothing will bring me down

Mostly i love my job, i work in a school, mostly with children that have learning or behavioural problems and one little chap i work with is autistic i have been supporting him in school for nearly 8 months now and its been difficult, frustrating even at times.  He doesnt handle change well he likes routine and everything in order and he doesnt interact with other children well they may as well not exist, its been a worry whether he will progress to the juniors in September.

Today im on cloud 9 nothing will bring me down today, we had a breakthrough, no he did, he gave me some of his grapes....this is a big thing for him.  At snacktimes he always has his little tub of grapes he doesnt share anything he rarely will show compassion or indeed any emotion towards others and he cant cope with any unexpected emotion towards him. 

I always sit close by at snacktimes with my own fruit and today i thought i would try a different tactic, i opened my bowl which was empty and just quietly to myself said "oh dear i have forgot my snack" and carried on writing in my note book.  He came over and put 2 grapes in my tub, i said thankyou to him and he just went back to his chair to continue eating his, i wanted to hug him i was so happy but i cant he wouldnt handle that......it may seem such a little thing but its not for him it was a huge thing...its been slow going but its progress.

Today reminded me of why and how much i love my job.

Holding back his sadism

I was reading a blog post earlier and my mind went a wandering and well i do that, its been on my mind for a while now.

A few months back we had a hard session if not one of the more intense ones we have had, well for me it was i dont think it was for him, you see i have a major hang up...i worry i dont  fill his sadistc needs to be fair he has never made me feel this way..its me.  I have this paranoia because of my lack of experience my 5 years compared to his 30  (yes he is a fair bit older than me), he has done a lot, seen a lot, whereas for me im still learning and trying new things.

The irony is when i was looking i wanted someone older than me someone with lots of experience and the age gap isnt an issue...i was more excited when he turned 50 than he was (yeah i know im wierd like that).  The fact is his sadism way surpasses my masochism, he holds back i know he does, occassionaly i will get a glimpse of how sadistic he wants to be but he is far too self controlled to unleash fully...that should bring me comfort shouldnt it?......it doesnt i want to fill all his needs.

This session we had at the time was horrid i really really didnt enjoy it at the time, i cried, screamed begged for him to stop...basically i was a mess, it took me a while to get over it mentally more than the physically, he loved it, i have never seen him so determined, driven and cold...he was in his element but still he held back..i know he did.  I resented him and i was withdrawn for a while, i needed time to process what had happened.

Now a few months on and we have had sessions since then which are good dont get me wrong but no where near as intense, he was more tolerant, he hurt me but not as much as he has hurt me on previous times even before the 'horrible' session.  I havent spoken to him about this (its easier to write my thoughts down sometimes than to do it face to face) and i should im the first to preach about the importance of communication but has he held back because of how i reacted and the effect it had on me....in other words am i holding him back?

The biggest issue im having is now i look back on that session and it turns me on, his cruelty excites me, knowing that he really loved it excites me, i want to go back and handle it differently but i cant it was what it was, its easy now to say i want it but when your there and its happening its a completley different ballgame.  I remember standing there defiantly refusing to get on the cross i didnt want the whip it was a stand off, battle of the wills you could say, eventually i got on the cross he wasnt going to back down and i respect him for that more now....i appreciate it, i needed it.  Im not saying i want it always to be like that i dont, and he does always tend to push me harder anyway but i want that glimpse again of that hard cold sadist who is immune to my tears and begging...just occassionaly.

The lightbulb is dimming

You know those famous lightbulb moments...i get them and i think yay i have got it...but then it dims and im back to square one.  I used to strive for perfection but perfection doesnt really exist does it?   I start questioning am i submissive enough but what is submissive enough, i read blogs and sometimes i think why cant it come as easily to me, where am i going wrong.

I overthink things i know i do, its a bad trait but one i cant seem to shake off, one day im really confident with myself and the next i can be having moments of doubt, i should be moving forwards surely but it feels like im stuck in this place of focusing too much on what im really crap at and there are lots of things im not too good in but its being unsure of where im going next that distracts me.

I cant make sense of myself half the time, do i need to, i should follow his lead i want to follow his lead, i want to be this positive really obedient submissive but im not.