I was reading through some web boards on a bdsm site i like and was quite surprised how many feel that a slave/sub should not be afraid of their Dominant at all, im sure im not alone but in some situations i enjoy the fear of what He is going to do or not knowing what he is going to do.
I compare it too being on a high speed roller coaster, i love the adrenilin rush of fear, being strapped in, heart pumping and then afterwards the "wow" factor of coming back down to earth. Whilst on holiday one ride i went on i came off shaking vowing that i was never going on it again, i felt sick but 3 hours later i was back on it again and loving the fear it enduced. This is comparable sometimes to how i feel with Him, the fear builds and im working myself up and any rational thoughts go out the window especially if He is in a particularly sadistic mood. However i know in rational moments that even when im scared and worked up (which is of course when im not feeling rational) that i trust Him 100% and yes i know He is going to hurt me and sometimes more than i like but it is always done in a safe and sane manner.
Whilst we were away the subject of one of His ex subs came up , not sure how but it did and 6 months ago i would not have entertained the idea of meeting with her at all, but now i feel secure enough that it wouldnt bother me and said that i would be happy to do so. I have been thinking this over the last few days (i think too much about things sometimes) and i still dont have a problem with it but (of course there has to be a but) what if she wants more than what is on offer?, i couldnt handle that. I suppose its not worth getting my knickers in a twist over, what will be,will be.
Friday, 23 May 2008
Thursday, 22 May 2008
women
Im not comfortable about having to write this for You, but i have given it some thought since You asked me to.
I dont have a particular "type" of women that i would go for in the respect of looks, its personality and how well i connect with them that matters to me. Ideally though i would prefer someone older than myself, not skinny, but not grossly overweight either (i want to survive the experience after all), so average to plump would be fine.
I wouldnt connect well with a bitchy personality, probably if im honest because i can be a bitch myself there would more than likely be clash of personalities, and i think thats why i struggle with the thought of submitting to a dominant women because bitchy women (especially the look at me i am it type) bring out the worst in me and i dont like myself much when that happens. I do wander though if its not just women but other dominant personalities that i find difficult, i submit to You because im Yours to do as You want and i resent anyone else being able to have any control over me and what i do.
I cant really say much about how i would like it to be with another women in detail, i know You would like it if i was to be intimate with them in the respect of kissing and carressing, but i cant do that unless i feel a connection with them and am totally at ease and this applies to men as well not just women. Yes im selfish in the respect that i enjoy a women going down on me and would prefer not to have to return the favour, i certainly find it easier in a controlled situation, ie. i dont think i would naturally make the move myself because its something i want to do. Yes i get a buzz out of it because im having to do it, because obviously being dominated and controlled to that degree is one of the fundemental elements that make up my personality and makes me what i am. This is also why (and i have to get this point in) im wet the majority of the time even when im not enjoying something, even when we just talk normally im wet because You have control over me......i get off on being dominated and knowing that im controlled...fancy that!!!!
I suppose the ideal set up that appeals to me would be much like it was with t****, being told to lick her cunt and being beaten at the same time, You know i get off on objectification so just being used in that way i find more appealing than having to try and force myself to be initimate and natural with someone, i just dont think i can do that. I do find the idea of being made to lick a womens cunt and then watching her pleasure You appealing, as long as i get Your ass.
I dont have a particular "type" of women that i would go for in the respect of looks, its personality and how well i connect with them that matters to me. Ideally though i would prefer someone older than myself, not skinny, but not grossly overweight either (i want to survive the experience after all), so average to plump would be fine.
I wouldnt connect well with a bitchy personality, probably if im honest because i can be a bitch myself there would more than likely be clash of personalities, and i think thats why i struggle with the thought of submitting to a dominant women because bitchy women (especially the look at me i am it type) bring out the worst in me and i dont like myself much when that happens. I do wander though if its not just women but other dominant personalities that i find difficult, i submit to You because im Yours to do as You want and i resent anyone else being able to have any control over me and what i do.
I cant really say much about how i would like it to be with another women in detail, i know You would like it if i was to be intimate with them in the respect of kissing and carressing, but i cant do that unless i feel a connection with them and am totally at ease and this applies to men as well not just women. Yes im selfish in the respect that i enjoy a women going down on me and would prefer not to have to return the favour, i certainly find it easier in a controlled situation, ie. i dont think i would naturally make the move myself because its something i want to do. Yes i get a buzz out of it because im having to do it, because obviously being dominated and controlled to that degree is one of the fundemental elements that make up my personality and makes me what i am. This is also why (and i have to get this point in) im wet the majority of the time even when im not enjoying something, even when we just talk normally im wet because You have control over me......i get off on being dominated and knowing that im controlled...fancy that!!!!
I suppose the ideal set up that appeals to me would be much like it was with t****, being told to lick her cunt and being beaten at the same time, You know i get off on objectification so just being used in that way i find more appealing than having to try and force myself to be initimate and natural with someone, i just dont think i can do that. I do find the idea of being made to lick a womens cunt and then watching her pleasure You appealing, as long as i get Your ass.
Tuesday, 20 May 2008
resisting
Its strange because i detest the inflatable butt plug, yet i enjoy trying larger objects in my ass, so made a point of getting some glass beer bottles to drink of course and then to use in my ass. It wasnt an overly large bottle but still a bigger size than i am used to, i found it easier to sit above the bottle and managed to get a fair amount in and i enjoyed it, it hurt but in a nice way and i definitley want to progress more in that particular area.
After we meet up i tend to spend a lot of time going over things in my head and analyzing how it went, im dissapointed that i wasnt able to cope with a severe caning to the extent that it drew blood and i know He was dissapointed too. But what bugs me the most is that i cant seem to get out the habit of resisting and intially refusing to comply with what im instructed to do (sometimes not aways), before He arrives i sit there going over in my head "i will not resist, i will not resist" like a mantra but i do. The easiest solution is to be in bondage but it not always possible but besides that i know i shouldnt resist anyway, i should obey immediatley without question.
After we meet up i tend to spend a lot of time going over things in my head and analyzing how it went, im dissapointed that i wasnt able to cope with a severe caning to the extent that it drew blood and i know He was dissapointed too. But what bugs me the most is that i cant seem to get out the habit of resisting and intially refusing to comply with what im instructed to do (sometimes not aways), before He arrives i sit there going over in my head "i will not resist, i will not resist" like a mantra but i do. The easiest solution is to be in bondage but it not always possible but besides that i know i shouldnt resist anyway, i should obey immediatley without question.
Monday, 19 May 2008
and more..........
I knew at some point i would have to swallow His piss, He made it very clear before the weekend that refusal to do so would result in punishment and contrary to what He might think i do fear punishment. I do enjoy being pissed on i love the humiliation and the dirtiness of it but have struggled with the taste and up to this weekend He has always been very tolerant and not forced the issue, i guess His patience had worn thin so i did it, admittedley it wasnt as bad as i thought but its still something im going to find difficult but i accept that now its going to be required more often than not. We even went further in exploring this type of "play" and i found i liked it and its something i want to explore more of (make of that what you will).
Sometimes it scares me how far i could go and that i enjoy things that once i wouldnt of have even thought of or wanted to do but i suppose its a credit to Him that nothing i suggest or ask about repels Him so in turn im relaxed enough to want to try the more "dirtier" activities. Its like licking His ass, i love it not just because He enjoys it and it pleases Him but i find it a turn on for me and would miss it should over a weekend it doesnt happen (though this is highly unlikely).
I was caned quite a few times over the weekend and some was worse than others, the worst had to be when He restrained me over a chair (i just couldnt hold position on the bed), i was shaking because i was scared i knew they was going to be hard stokes and they was, well harder than what i have experienced before. I was instructed to count the last 6 but only managed to get to 3 and then He needed to gag me i think my screams might have been pretty loud otherwise, its hard to describe the pain but agony just about sums it up, and He even caned the soles of my feet once that hurt but i guess it gave my ass a short reprieve.
When the caning was over, i registered that He was preparing needles and that set me off shaking again i was terrified that He was going to put them in my nipples and i have been dreading when He does. I attempted to pull away but being restrained didnt get me very far, they seemed to hurt more than previously but i wander if this was only because i was worked up and far from relaxed. He didnt put them in my nipples but He has made it clear that next time they will be and im not going to dwell on that now, i dont want it but im in no position to choose and as He often points out to me i wouldnt have it any other way and i wouldnt.
The dreaded whip was only used once thankfully and i even plucked up the courage and asked for it on my breasts (i must have been having a mad moment) because it fucking hurts, i hate it more than anything its bloody awful right from the first stroke. Its the only thing so far that has brought me close to tears and that was on a previous occassion when He used it on my back.
He also used the cane on my pussy (that was a first) im not sure whether i liked that or not, i think i would like to try it some more when im more relaxed as at the time He was also caning my stomach and tits and i was struggling to escape the blows.
still not finished............
Sometimes it scares me how far i could go and that i enjoy things that once i wouldnt of have even thought of or wanted to do but i suppose its a credit to Him that nothing i suggest or ask about repels Him so in turn im relaxed enough to want to try the more "dirtier" activities. Its like licking His ass, i love it not just because He enjoys it and it pleases Him but i find it a turn on for me and would miss it should over a weekend it doesnt happen (though this is highly unlikely).
I was caned quite a few times over the weekend and some was worse than others, the worst had to be when He restrained me over a chair (i just couldnt hold position on the bed), i was shaking because i was scared i knew they was going to be hard stokes and they was, well harder than what i have experienced before. I was instructed to count the last 6 but only managed to get to 3 and then He needed to gag me i think my screams might have been pretty loud otherwise, its hard to describe the pain but agony just about sums it up, and He even caned the soles of my feet once that hurt but i guess it gave my ass a short reprieve.
When the caning was over, i registered that He was preparing needles and that set me off shaking again i was terrified that He was going to put them in my nipples and i have been dreading when He does. I attempted to pull away but being restrained didnt get me very far, they seemed to hurt more than previously but i wander if this was only because i was worked up and far from relaxed. He didnt put them in my nipples but He has made it clear that next time they will be and im not going to dwell on that now, i dont want it but im in no position to choose and as He often points out to me i wouldnt have it any other way and i wouldnt.
The dreaded whip was only used once thankfully and i even plucked up the courage and asked for it on my breasts (i must have been having a mad moment) because it fucking hurts, i hate it more than anything its bloody awful right from the first stroke. Its the only thing so far that has brought me close to tears and that was on a previous occassion when He used it on my back.
He also used the cane on my pussy (that was a first) im not sure whether i liked that or not, i think i would like to try it some more when im more relaxed as at the time He was also caning my stomach and tits and i was struggling to escape the blows.
still not finished............
lots to say.............
Havent posted for quite a while, been on holiday and then get home to find i have no internet connection which has pissed me off no end, but back online now and i have missed my blog, have just come back from spending the weeked with Him so have quite a bit i want to write about.
Whilst on holiday i had no contact with Him for just over 2 weeks and it was bloody horrible, it made me very restless and my mind was working overtime getting myself worked up over whether or not anything had changed even though deep down i knew it would be fine the lack of contact made me very insecure. Of course my worries were all needless because nothing has changed but i certainly dont want to go through 2 weeks like it again.
Once we were back to talking as regular as we normally do, i was more content although i was then getting myself worked up over the caning that i had asked for to the point that i made my mind up i wasnt going to ask for something anymore (He always makes it worse). He wouldnt let me cum before we got together which means i hadnt orgasmed since before i went on holiday so in total approximatley 4 weeks, that has to be a record and im actually impressed with myself that i managed although i think the thought of what the punishment would be if i did (it would of been really bad) was a big deterrent.
I arrived at the hotel well before Him, i prefer this as it allows me to get ready especially if He requests me to be dressed a certain way and also i can relax a bit, its become a habit of mine to imediatley check out the room for its suitability for bondage, it failed slightly on that part but was roomy so thats a plus, oh and had a bath thats become an essential requirement, just a shower cubicle is no good!!!
I thought i had a very good chance of getting sex first or in particular sucking His cock, even though we had discussed i would get pain first i figured i could manipulate Him into my way of thinking....no such luck....out came the canes. I struggled with the caning it was definitley harder i think than what it has been before, and there was one particular cane i didnt like at all, however there was one that i liked a lot, i think for the first time i managed successfully to get into subspace, i could feel it but it didnt hurt at all, the pain just wasnt registering and it was great until the bastard thing broke. I got a reprieve then and was allowed to suck His cock and remembered to do it slowly and just when i thought i was finally going to get in my ass He decides to cane me some more harder than previously.
Then finally get what i wanted, i love anal sex the more it hurts the better i seem to cope with that sort of pain ok i want it to hurt, He withdrew and came in my mouth which i like, i dont really think about the fact that its been in my ass although i guess if i was to actually see any traces that it had i might be more reluctant but generally im so aroused at that point i couldnt care less i just want it in my mouth, and if im honest the fact that it could be considered "dirty" just makes it all the more appealing, so being instructed to clean His cock is an absolute turn on for me.
more in a while......
Whilst on holiday i had no contact with Him for just over 2 weeks and it was bloody horrible, it made me very restless and my mind was working overtime getting myself worked up over whether or not anything had changed even though deep down i knew it would be fine the lack of contact made me very insecure. Of course my worries were all needless because nothing has changed but i certainly dont want to go through 2 weeks like it again.
Once we were back to talking as regular as we normally do, i was more content although i was then getting myself worked up over the caning that i had asked for to the point that i made my mind up i wasnt going to ask for something anymore (He always makes it worse). He wouldnt let me cum before we got together which means i hadnt orgasmed since before i went on holiday so in total approximatley 4 weeks, that has to be a record and im actually impressed with myself that i managed although i think the thought of what the punishment would be if i did (it would of been really bad) was a big deterrent.
I arrived at the hotel well before Him, i prefer this as it allows me to get ready especially if He requests me to be dressed a certain way and also i can relax a bit, its become a habit of mine to imediatley check out the room for its suitability for bondage, it failed slightly on that part but was roomy so thats a plus, oh and had a bath thats become an essential requirement, just a shower cubicle is no good!!!
I thought i had a very good chance of getting sex first or in particular sucking His cock, even though we had discussed i would get pain first i figured i could manipulate Him into my way of thinking....no such luck....out came the canes. I struggled with the caning it was definitley harder i think than what it has been before, and there was one particular cane i didnt like at all, however there was one that i liked a lot, i think for the first time i managed successfully to get into subspace, i could feel it but it didnt hurt at all, the pain just wasnt registering and it was great until the bastard thing broke. I got a reprieve then and was allowed to suck His cock and remembered to do it slowly and just when i thought i was finally going to get in my ass He decides to cane me some more harder than previously.
Then finally get what i wanted, i love anal sex the more it hurts the better i seem to cope with that sort of pain ok i want it to hurt, He withdrew and came in my mouth which i like, i dont really think about the fact that its been in my ass although i guess if i was to actually see any traces that it had i might be more reluctant but generally im so aroused at that point i couldnt care less i just want it in my mouth, and if im honest the fact that it could be considered "dirty" just makes it all the more appealing, so being instructed to clean His cock is an absolute turn on for me.
more in a while......
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