*from the unpublished archives, 2008, its funny because reading this now its not something that would bother me, but it clearly did back then...omg i was such a drama queen lol*
Topaz asked me if you show any compassion when your hurting me, when its clear im in pain that im struggling with it and want it to end, my reply without thinking about it was no, you dont, you dont have any compassion at all, the more im not enjoying it the more you like it...thats an accurate observation dont you think?
But you have an answer for that...."your cunt is always soaking wet, the more nastier the pain, the more responsive you become, that is all i need to know!"
That is besides the point.
The caning was brutal, and ok i wont deny that i loved it, once i got into sync and could ride the pain, and then when i was starting to get really spacey, you undid the wrist cuffs, so i could move a bit more freely, ankle cuffs still attached, then you put clover clamps on my nipples, with the chain running underneath the table and connected, and continued with the caning.
You ruined my fun, as i soon realised that as i instinctively rose up from each stroke it would pull on the chain, and it was difficult processing the different sensations, i couldnt relax into the caning as i was before, im guessing that was your intention?
I tried to keep still, but i was struggling, i damn well told you it was hurting a lot, that i didnt like it, and you had the audacity to say "i know" and laugh! i dont feel at all bad at swearing at you, not that you took any notice.
Then, because obviously you didnt feel that i was tormented enough, you rubbed this cream on my ass and up my ass!! and it started to burn, and i started to struggle even more, and im not sure what i was more stressed about my nipples dropping off, which might have been a welcome relief, or my ass setting on fire..
Your dick must be like the rest of you, unfeeling because you fucked my ass, with no condom and the cream didnt effect you!!! whereas i was squirming and screaming like a wild thing....and then you made me lick you clean, and i hate that, you know, when its been there!! oh why the hell not, the rest of me is burning my tongue might as well be as well....but it was ok, one small mercy i suppose.
Nope, not nice.
Thursday, 25 June 2015
Wednesday, 24 June 2015
How well do you know your blog/blogging?
Found this and doing it for a bit of fun..not happy with the post i am working on....and so the draft folder gets even more fuller.
Answer these questions about your blog, no cheating and looking.
1) Your top 5 popular posts, bonus if you get them in order.
Purple boobies, bdsm room 101, nipple piercings, pushing boundaries, ummm umm thinking....the sadomasochistic paradox....im pretty sure the first 2 are in order. first one was right! correct order is purple boobies, nipple piercings, bdsm room 101, you cant? hmm really, return to room 101.
2) Last 5 blogs you commented on.
His slut, a slave to Master, submission to slavery, songs from his nightbird, submissive missions...not in order. yep right
3) How many followers do you have?
191 i think 194, not too far off
4) Your total viewings, to the nearest 100?
no idea, complete guess 150,000 ish 219,594..ok way off, but really who checks that!
5) How many blog posts have you published?
800 ish 813
6) How many posts in drafts?
about 120 131
7) How many blogs do you follow?
no idea, around 100 possibly dont know how to check that!
8) what post has received the most comments?
purple boobies....amazing what a pair of tits can do! well im confident its that post, i dont know how to check! still dont know how to check lol
9) Your first blog entry title?
very short and sweet..."this is the beginning" or words to that effect This is just the start...close enough.
10) Why did you choose the name of your blog?
i didnt, my Master did, he set it all up, and i was told i was blogging! thats how it was!
Monday, 22 June 2015
Me.....complicated!!!
I dont like it, but i want it, i hate it when its happening, but i love it and dont want it to stop.
Im so contradictory.
Im so sure, of what i think, and then im not so sure.
I have often thought myself difficult, still do sometimes, i wander where i fit in, do i need to fit in anywhere?
Being pushed/forced to do something i dont want to do i find really reinforces the mindset of being submissive, for me, but yet he would prefer my compliance because submitting is, using dictionary definition...accepting/yielding to another, so if he has to use force or push me its not submitting is it?
Is that not contradictory?
But he does always get what he wants, one way or another, where im difficult i think is i get these mental blocks in my head, which i cant get past, it could be that im thinking "we shouldnt do this or that, its not right" or i simply waste too much energy on thinking of the what if's.
I do generally come around to his way of thinking, not always, its like with the whole limits thing, its only very recently that i have changed my views on that, but there are things, most especially surrounding the idea of enslavement that i do disagree with him on.
Not that it matters, because its his way that it goes, but that doesnt stop me from having my own opinions, and they are subject to change, he doesnt object to that, as long as i still go his way....and i do.
Im not complicated, im just changeable, dependent on which way the wind is blowing, how much coffee i have had, time of the month.....
Let's just say he is a very patient man! to a certain extent!
(yes comments to reply to, on it tomorrow)
Thursday, 18 June 2015
The chains you cannot see
Kink of the week is chains
I thought i would put a different twist on this.
His chains surround me
keeping me bound
secure in my place
they cannot be seen
but i feel them
i feel them, with every move i make
whether i am by his side or not
they clunk loudly if i stray too far
pulling me back to where i belong
reminding me of my place
there is always a rattle
that cannot be heard, yet they speak to me
giving me reassurance when i need it
safe in these bonds
his possession, his willing captive
chained to him by
chains you cannot see
Tuesday, 16 June 2015
Changes
I made an appointment to see my diabetic specialist, along with my own doctor, i have been putting it off for months because i just didnt know where to start with what i wanted to discuss.
Since being diagnosed with diabetes i have had to face up to the fact that it has changed me, it has impacted certain aspects of our relationship, most especially in regards to s/m, even now im getting the right insulin and its more better controlled than it has been, it does require strict control.
Just for those that have no knowledge of type one diabetes...
Im insulin dependent, i inject 4 times a day, sometimes more if needed, i have to eat regularly, no skipping meals, i have to be careful about what i eat, some fruits contain too much natural sugar, i can have sweet stuff but very little.
My blood sugar levels can drop drastically due to an increase in physical activity, which can result in making me irritable, anxious and cause erratic behaviour, symptoms can vary from my skin being cold and clammy, blurred vision, dizziness, shaking, headaches and more.
It means i need a quick fix of sugar, i usually have glucose tablets on hand, then wait 15 minutes and test blood again, no improvement, repeat, still no improvement..hospital.
And then there is high blood sugar levels, which can be caused by not eating well, emotional stress, feeling unwell. This means i need more insulin, which i always have on hand, if it gets really high its hospital.
So, i spoke to the doctors about how i engage in s/m and if there are any precautions we. or i should be taking, they both were really good, they both have not come across this situation before, so it was quite funny witnessing their reactions.
Diabetic doctor straightaway was "no bruising, no having limbs restricted via bondage, no open cuts no damage to feet at all" (yeah foot problems are a big issue with diabetics) and a lecture on the importance of circulation.
yeah...we have a problem doctor!
feet, i will concede on, i have no problem with missing out on bastinado, but no bruising, no bondage and no open cuts, that is not happening, im not giving up those, just have to exercise more caution.
That pretty much rules out many of the things we enjoy!
The other issues for diabetics, one of which i didnt know and im glad i do now is, it effects my electrolyte levels, which she did explain in great detail..but basically electrical play is very dangerous and can have serious consequences for a type one diabetic, i dont mind admitting she scared the shit out of me when she explained why! so thats a no-no....im mourning that loss! apart from tens units that is acceptable..have to make do with that.
Also i bruise easier, then there is either (dependent on blood sugar level) less feeling of sensation during impact play or more, which explains why sometimes i really have not been able to handle things that before i have had no problems with.
So, yeah it means adjusting, mostly just keeping a check on it more closely, a lot of it is common sense, things that really i should no better..
before play check blood, check it during play (oh yay spontaneity out the fucking window), lots of water on hand, stop play if i get pins and needles, numbness anywhere, dizziness, shaking..the shaking is a problem..because i tend to shake anyway even long before i had the diabetes..from fear, nerves....so not sure how to work around that.
I do feel a lot better that my doctors know, i think its for the best, so worst case scenario and i have to see them for concerns related to s/m..excessive bruising etc they are aware...and if ever i need to be hospitalised.
Since being diagnosed with diabetes i have had to face up to the fact that it has changed me, it has impacted certain aspects of our relationship, most especially in regards to s/m, even now im getting the right insulin and its more better controlled than it has been, it does require strict control.
Just for those that have no knowledge of type one diabetes...
Im insulin dependent, i inject 4 times a day, sometimes more if needed, i have to eat regularly, no skipping meals, i have to be careful about what i eat, some fruits contain too much natural sugar, i can have sweet stuff but very little.
My blood sugar levels can drop drastically due to an increase in physical activity, which can result in making me irritable, anxious and cause erratic behaviour, symptoms can vary from my skin being cold and clammy, blurred vision, dizziness, shaking, headaches and more.
It means i need a quick fix of sugar, i usually have glucose tablets on hand, then wait 15 minutes and test blood again, no improvement, repeat, still no improvement..hospital.
And then there is high blood sugar levels, which can be caused by not eating well, emotional stress, feeling unwell. This means i need more insulin, which i always have on hand, if it gets really high its hospital.
So, i spoke to the doctors about how i engage in s/m and if there are any precautions we. or i should be taking, they both were really good, they both have not come across this situation before, so it was quite funny witnessing their reactions.
Diabetic doctor straightaway was "no bruising, no having limbs restricted via bondage, no open cuts no damage to feet at all" (yeah foot problems are a big issue with diabetics) and a lecture on the importance of circulation.
yeah...we have a problem doctor!
feet, i will concede on, i have no problem with missing out on bastinado, but no bruising, no bondage and no open cuts, that is not happening, im not giving up those, just have to exercise more caution.
That pretty much rules out many of the things we enjoy!
The other issues for diabetics, one of which i didnt know and im glad i do now is, it effects my electrolyte levels, which she did explain in great detail..but basically electrical play is very dangerous and can have serious consequences for a type one diabetic, i dont mind admitting she scared the shit out of me when she explained why! so thats a no-no....im mourning that loss! apart from tens units that is acceptable..have to make do with that.
Also i bruise easier, then there is either (dependent on blood sugar level) less feeling of sensation during impact play or more, which explains why sometimes i really have not been able to handle things that before i have had no problems with.
So, yeah it means adjusting, mostly just keeping a check on it more closely, a lot of it is common sense, things that really i should no better..
before play check blood, check it during play (oh yay spontaneity out the fucking window), lots of water on hand, stop play if i get pins and needles, numbness anywhere, dizziness, shaking..the shaking is a problem..because i tend to shake anyway even long before i had the diabetes..from fear, nerves....so not sure how to work around that.
I do feel a lot better that my doctors know, i think its for the best, so worst case scenario and i have to see them for concerns related to s/m..excessive bruising etc they are aware...and if ever i need to be hospitalised.
Saturday, 13 June 2015
You can lead the horse to water, but you cant make it drink
Confronting refusal/reluctance, brought about by a discussion via email.
There has only ever been one situation that i can recall where i have refused to follow his instructions in the moment, as in during 'play', for sure there have been times when i have and still do say "i dont want to" etc and protest but its still happened, but outright refusal and it hasnt happened..just the once.
There has been times, and im sure there will be more in the future, where we might be discussing a potential scenario etc and i voice that its not something i feel i can do, for xyz reasons.
But...im a slave, i should just obey regardless, because thats what slaves do....ugh, not even going there!
I think there are 3 options the dominant can take in these situations
1) To use force, by any means necessary to ensure compliance.
2) To use positive encouragement, to talk the submissive around, dependent on the situation, to go into what the problem is, to see if it can be resolved there and then.
3) To stop, discuss it, and perhaps re-visit the situation at a later date.
Option one, force, when im reluctant to do something, being confronted with having no choice in the matter, knowing that it will happen whether i like it or not is a huge turn on, but there is a difference between outright refusal and reluctance...its somewhat of a balancing act using force, but mostly the dominant knowing and understanding his sub well.
So for me, i dont enjoy being with a woman sexually, i could quite happily not have to do it at all, but on these times, i am forced/made to do it, the force is not physical (well apart from the time he has shoved my head and held it there between a womans legs) but its more of a "you have no choice"..he knows that i get off on that, still dont enjoy the actual act...but having to do it...fuck yes!
Hypothetical situation.
He ties me up, and tells me he is bringing in another man to fuck me, i wouldnt be reluctant, i would outright refuse, but he forces me too anyway by keeping me tied up and leaving me with no option, or perhaps beat me until i verbally comply, and im fucked by this other man.
Being forced in this situation would have a really negative impact, it would shatter my trust in him, and our relationship as a result would more than likely deteriorate, i wouldnt be able to move past it, it would be well beyond the 'just deal with it and get over it' attitude, my instinct as i even write this, has me saying i would withdraw consent until or if it could even be resolved.
How does he know when its ok to use force and when its not? because he knows me (better than i know myself in many ways), talking a lot, lots and lots, and through the experiences we have with each other.
Whatever option the dominant chooses to take, especially in regards to force, he has to consider the said consequences of that choice, even taking the 3rd option and stopping does not mean he has given in to the submissive, because i think most subs, or rather speaking for myself, i want to obey him, i want to please him, so for me to outright refuse he should know its clearly something i have big concerns with, even reluctance to a certain extent demonstrates im having difficulties that need addressing.
There has only ever been one situation that i can recall where i have refused to follow his instructions in the moment, as in during 'play', for sure there have been times when i have and still do say "i dont want to" etc and protest but its still happened, but outright refusal and it hasnt happened..just the once.
There has been times, and im sure there will be more in the future, where we might be discussing a potential scenario etc and i voice that its not something i feel i can do, for xyz reasons.
But...im a slave, i should just obey regardless, because thats what slaves do....ugh, not even going there!
I think there are 3 options the dominant can take in these situations
1) To use force, by any means necessary to ensure compliance.
2) To use positive encouragement, to talk the submissive around, dependent on the situation, to go into what the problem is, to see if it can be resolved there and then.
3) To stop, discuss it, and perhaps re-visit the situation at a later date.
Option one, force, when im reluctant to do something, being confronted with having no choice in the matter, knowing that it will happen whether i like it or not is a huge turn on, but there is a difference between outright refusal and reluctance...its somewhat of a balancing act using force, but mostly the dominant knowing and understanding his sub well.
So for me, i dont enjoy being with a woman sexually, i could quite happily not have to do it at all, but on these times, i am forced/made to do it, the force is not physical (well apart from the time he has shoved my head and held it there between a womans legs) but its more of a "you have no choice"..he knows that i get off on that, still dont enjoy the actual act...but having to do it...fuck yes!
Hypothetical situation.
He ties me up, and tells me he is bringing in another man to fuck me, i wouldnt be reluctant, i would outright refuse, but he forces me too anyway by keeping me tied up and leaving me with no option, or perhaps beat me until i verbally comply, and im fucked by this other man.
Being forced in this situation would have a really negative impact, it would shatter my trust in him, and our relationship as a result would more than likely deteriorate, i wouldnt be able to move past it, it would be well beyond the 'just deal with it and get over it' attitude, my instinct as i even write this, has me saying i would withdraw consent until or if it could even be resolved.
How does he know when its ok to use force and when its not? because he knows me (better than i know myself in many ways), talking a lot, lots and lots, and through the experiences we have with each other.
Whatever option the dominant chooses to take, especially in regards to force, he has to consider the said consequences of that choice, even taking the 3rd option and stopping does not mean he has given in to the submissive, because i think most subs, or rather speaking for myself, i want to obey him, i want to please him, so for me to outright refuse he should know its clearly something i have big concerns with, even reluctance to a certain extent demonstrates im having difficulties that need addressing.
Wednesday, 10 June 2015
Hoods 'r' us
Spent last night looking for new hoods and browsing Fetlife.
I love being hooded, Master doesnt mind them, he often indulges me by letting me wear one at times, but they are definitely something i love more than he does....he likes having access to my mouth, and to see my eyes...but there is compromise, some hoods dont cover the mouth and eyes, or have detachable parts....personally i prefer full coverage.
Narrowed my selection down to these 2..
I love this watersports one, 2 of my favourite things combined, and it has open mouth and eyes so win-win for both of us.
This one appealed, if only because the advertising tag made me laugh "This piece keeps the mouth firmly closed and stop's your submissive's incessant complaining".....like i complain! :) or another way of looking at is...it would stop me from saying exactly what im thinking at times!
I like the head harness part, we have a head harness with nose hooks, but im liking the mouth cover on this, and i like having the ring on top, allows for more opportunities.
I love being hooded for various reasons, they objectify me, as soon as one is on i get into the headspace of just 'being' very quickly, they are calming, although i have had moments of panic, so if one hasnt worn them before i would recommend one that can be removed very quickly to start with.
They highlight the other senses, touch most especially, it just intensifies everything else, especially with a full hood, when one's sight, hearing, and voice is removed, i either go 2 ways....one it induces fear or i go into subspace...either way i love.
I love being hooded, Master doesnt mind them, he often indulges me by letting me wear one at times, but they are definitely something i love more than he does....he likes having access to my mouth, and to see my eyes...but there is compromise, some hoods dont cover the mouth and eyes, or have detachable parts....personally i prefer full coverage.
Narrowed my selection down to these 2..
I like the head harness part, we have a head harness with nose hooks, but im liking the mouth cover on this, and i like having the ring on top, allows for more opportunities.
I love being hooded for various reasons, they objectify me, as soon as one is on i get into the headspace of just 'being' very quickly, they are calming, although i have had moments of panic, so if one hasnt worn them before i would recommend one that can be removed very quickly to start with.
They highlight the other senses, touch most especially, it just intensifies everything else, especially with a full hood, when one's sight, hearing, and voice is removed, i either go 2 ways....one it induces fear or i go into subspace...either way i love.
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