The work scenario. I have finally after all this time got confirmation that its over, the mother has come to her senses it appears. The child in question is living with a relative along with a sibling and by all accounts is getting a chance at some sort of normality.
Its been difficult, stressful, i have been monitored at work, our procedures with dealing with vunerable children has been given an overhaul, i feel in one way that i have had to 'prove' myself, that i am fit to do my job and i havent liked it....i know its all been implented to protect us (as staff) and to learn from mistakes.
There was a time, maybe a couple of years ago that i considered working for social services but i wasnt sure i would be able to deal on a full time basis with the emotional impact of handling sensitive situations, now i know i couldnt.
I feel like a weight has been removed from my shoulders, it knocked me back, made me doubt myself and my decisions, i did at one point consider walking away from it all (the job) but i have had great support from fellow staff, parents of the pupils i have worked with and most of all the children, they have given me strength, and they have kept me going.
Wednesday, 28 November 2012
Tuesday, 27 November 2012
And around we go again
I mentioned when answering Liebster award questions that i struggle with my masochism at times, not as much as i used to but i would be a liar if i said i was fully happy and content with my need for pain because im not.
Im scared of how far my need will take me and although i know he will always keep me safe so that doesnt come into question, its more i question my normality, the reasonable part of me knows that its ok and i am who i am but there are these doubts that creep in, that its not right to like what i do....i feel ashamed.
I have blogged many a time about s/m sessions we have had, not all of them, and occassionally the ones i do talk about i 'censor' them because i cant quite get my head around that i enjoyed what was happening.
When we venture into the heavier side of s/m i find i seek the headspace of separating myself from the other 'parts' of who i am, i want to become someone else because then i can attempt to rationalise with myself that in these moments its not me...i know its a crazy train of thought! Lately i have been struggling with my masochism so i know i made a sarcastic post a week or so ago in response to a comment that i havent blogged much about it, but i havent because im struggling to express how i feel at the moment about how i relate to pain if you want the truth.
The bossman puts ideas in my head (plants that damn seed) and i want to be horrified, i might act horrified at his suggestions but we both know im not. There was a recent episode of The Walking Dead (if anyone watches it) where once of the characters was watching a fight between 2 men whilst surrounded by zombies it was in the context of an agreed boxing match with a whole load of spectators, anyway the character watching struggled with the idea that she liked what she was watching yet didnt want to admit that because is it something that should be liked?
Anyway thats what got me thinking, its these thoughts that i have about the 'heavy' s/m we do, i like it, dont like admitting that i like it because well i guess i just havent yet fully accepted my masochism. Mostly its being able to express that i like it the most when i hate it...and i keep coming back to this, i try to explain it not just for others to have an understanding but so i can try to understand myself.
I know im not alone in that there are many people that enjoy s/m to the harder end of the spectrum, the boss man listens to me but he just doesnt get it, he has long since come to terms with his sadism, his need to be cruel to me, he just says "embrace it", "let go" well that doesnt help, sure it would be a damn sight easier if i could and i try.
I know its my 'problem' and sometimes it gets to me more than it does at other times, im having one of these 'bad' times, i want to yell at him that he has made me like this and oh we have been here so many times before im fed up of going around it again myself.
Im scared of how far my need will take me and although i know he will always keep me safe so that doesnt come into question, its more i question my normality, the reasonable part of me knows that its ok and i am who i am but there are these doubts that creep in, that its not right to like what i do....i feel ashamed.
I have blogged many a time about s/m sessions we have had, not all of them, and occassionally the ones i do talk about i 'censor' them because i cant quite get my head around that i enjoyed what was happening.
When we venture into the heavier side of s/m i find i seek the headspace of separating myself from the other 'parts' of who i am, i want to become someone else because then i can attempt to rationalise with myself that in these moments its not me...i know its a crazy train of thought! Lately i have been struggling with my masochism so i know i made a sarcastic post a week or so ago in response to a comment that i havent blogged much about it, but i havent because im struggling to express how i feel at the moment about how i relate to pain if you want the truth.
The bossman puts ideas in my head (plants that damn seed) and i want to be horrified, i might act horrified at his suggestions but we both know im not. There was a recent episode of The Walking Dead (if anyone watches it) where once of the characters was watching a fight between 2 men whilst surrounded by zombies it was in the context of an agreed boxing match with a whole load of spectators, anyway the character watching struggled with the idea that she liked what she was watching yet didnt want to admit that because is it something that should be liked?
Anyway thats what got me thinking, its these thoughts that i have about the 'heavy' s/m we do, i like it, dont like admitting that i like it because well i guess i just havent yet fully accepted my masochism. Mostly its being able to express that i like it the most when i hate it...and i keep coming back to this, i try to explain it not just for others to have an understanding but so i can try to understand myself.
I know im not alone in that there are many people that enjoy s/m to the harder end of the spectrum, the boss man listens to me but he just doesnt get it, he has long since come to terms with his sadism, his need to be cruel to me, he just says "embrace it", "let go" well that doesnt help, sure it would be a damn sight easier if i could and i try.
I know its my 'problem' and sometimes it gets to me more than it does at other times, im having one of these 'bad' times, i want to yell at him that he has made me like this and oh we have been here so many times before im fed up of going around it again myself.
Friday, 23 November 2012
CNC (consensual non-consent)
Renne Rose wrote an interesting article about non consent, and its place in fiction http://www.reneeroseromance.com/2012/11/why-non-consent-is-hot.html?zx=2987ad86964a19aa and its a topic that interests me but more so its place in ttwd.
We practise cnc (consensual non-consent) in our relationship which put simply means that my consent is a given, he does not seek it throughout our relationship, it is clearly understood that i dont deny him any part of me in whatever form this may take.
There are many scenarios in which i consider this 'hot', i like the fact that i dont get a choice in what he wants to do to me or/and what he wants full stop in all aspects, for the sake of argument lets go with the fact that im in a healthy M/s dynamic and he isnt going to expect something which is damaging to me, so it means that there are things i dont really like in that given a choice i would not do them.
Its a big turn on for me to 'have' to endure when i dont feel like and want it and when its happening im hating it and i want it to stop but he wont, i am forced into the position he wants me and not necessarily physical force, he knows what to say to trigger me into obedience and he is always calm, never shouts but its made clear that i will do as im instructed. Its afterwards im buzzing and i find it 'hot' because it demonstrates his control over me, i dont have a 'get-out' and this provides me with the security i need....personally part of my respect for him is because he doesnt back down and if he wants something done...it will be done either the easy or the hard way.
Sometimes its not 'hot', it can be bloody infuriating when im genuinely not wanting do to something or i dont agree with a decision he makes, it might (and usually is) discussed but if he is determined with how he wants something to be then thats how it will be, there is no 'pick n mix' in my submission, i dont get to choose what i will submit to and what i wont, if i find it 'hot' thats great if i dont too bad. This is what works for us, its not the 'ideal' its not how it should be....its us!
Its not always easy, in fact its damn hard at times but im happy, i would not want it any other way...and you know he wants me happy, might do things sometimes that dont make me happy but hey im sure all relationships no matter their 'structure' including vanilla are not always consistently happy....whats more important is overall im happy and the times im not are fleeting.
We practise cnc (consensual non-consent) in our relationship which put simply means that my consent is a given, he does not seek it throughout our relationship, it is clearly understood that i dont deny him any part of me in whatever form this may take.
There are many scenarios in which i consider this 'hot', i like the fact that i dont get a choice in what he wants to do to me or/and what he wants full stop in all aspects, for the sake of argument lets go with the fact that im in a healthy M/s dynamic and he isnt going to expect something which is damaging to me, so it means that there are things i dont really like in that given a choice i would not do them.
Its a big turn on for me to 'have' to endure when i dont feel like and want it and when its happening im hating it and i want it to stop but he wont, i am forced into the position he wants me and not necessarily physical force, he knows what to say to trigger me into obedience and he is always calm, never shouts but its made clear that i will do as im instructed. Its afterwards im buzzing and i find it 'hot' because it demonstrates his control over me, i dont have a 'get-out' and this provides me with the security i need....personally part of my respect for him is because he doesnt back down and if he wants something done...it will be done either the easy or the hard way.
Sometimes its not 'hot', it can be bloody infuriating when im genuinely not wanting do to something or i dont agree with a decision he makes, it might (and usually is) discussed but if he is determined with how he wants something to be then thats how it will be, there is no 'pick n mix' in my submission, i dont get to choose what i will submit to and what i wont, if i find it 'hot' thats great if i dont too bad. This is what works for us, its not the 'ideal' its not how it should be....its us!
Its not always easy, in fact its damn hard at times but im happy, i would not want it any other way...and you know he wants me happy, might do things sometimes that dont make me happy but hey im sure all relationships no matter their 'structure' including vanilla are not always consistently happy....whats more important is overall im happy and the times im not are fleeting.
Wednesday, 21 November 2012
Rulebreaker
So ancilla_ksst nominated me for the bloggy award (but she is naughty and didnt follow the rules! ok so i didnt either)and im going to answer the questions that she set.
1. When did you realise you were kinky, if ever?
i had these urges of wanting to be controlled from mid-teens but i guess thats not a kink, so kink wise came late teens in a first relationship and i wanted to try spanking..it never happened but it didnt leave my head
2. What is your favourite fantasy?
oh gosh, im lucky that the bossman has made a lot of my fantasies come real but there are still some i want to explore, crucifixtion is something i have a fantasy about...so yeah that would be it.
3. What is the one fantasy you wish you could get out of your head, but keeps coming back? (if you have one)
being tied down and gangbanged by lots of men.....in reality this is not something i want because i know i couldnt handle it and he knows it too...so why the bloody hell do i fantasise about it?!
4. Where do you feel most at home?
ok im going to be cheesy and say when ever im with my kids and the bossman
5. What do you want most from the person your with? whether this be partner/dom/sub/slave/Master?
His control/dominance
6. Why do you write a blog?
because i wasnt given a choice! but i got into it, then i took a 3 year break and came back start of this year, i do it because it gives me somewhere to put down these rambles in my head, it can help give me clarity and i love the interaction with others, its a great 'community'
7. What is your favourite tv show?
Criminal Minds
8. Favourite Dessert?
Sticky toffee pudding with lots and lots of fresh cream
9. Favourite time of day?
Night
10. Do you believe in god?/are you a spiritual person?
Im a christian but i have conflicts with my faith
11. What is your favourite sexual position
anal with me on my stomach, hands held/secured behind my back, and head pressed down onto floor/bed..was that tmi lol
1. When did you realise you were kinky, if ever?
i had these urges of wanting to be controlled from mid-teens but i guess thats not a kink, so kink wise came late teens in a first relationship and i wanted to try spanking..it never happened but it didnt leave my head
2. What is your favourite fantasy?
oh gosh, im lucky that the bossman has made a lot of my fantasies come real but there are still some i want to explore, crucifixtion is something i have a fantasy about...so yeah that would be it.
3. What is the one fantasy you wish you could get out of your head, but keeps coming back? (if you have one)
being tied down and gangbanged by lots of men.....in reality this is not something i want because i know i couldnt handle it and he knows it too...so why the bloody hell do i fantasise about it?!
4. Where do you feel most at home?
ok im going to be cheesy and say when ever im with my kids and the bossman
5. What do you want most from the person your with? whether this be partner/dom/sub/slave/Master?
His control/dominance
6. Why do you write a blog?
because i wasnt given a choice! but i got into it, then i took a 3 year break and came back start of this year, i do it because it gives me somewhere to put down these rambles in my head, it can help give me clarity and i love the interaction with others, its a great 'community'
7. What is your favourite tv show?
Criminal Minds
8. Favourite Dessert?
Sticky toffee pudding with lots and lots of fresh cream
9. Favourite time of day?
Night
10. Do you believe in god?/are you a spiritual person?
Im a christian but i have conflicts with my faith
11. What is your favourite sexual position
anal with me on my stomach, hands held/secured behind my back, and head pressed down onto floor/bed..was that tmi lol
Tuesday, 20 November 2012
The Award thingy
Many thanks to Ward and June for the nomination, i do believe its a first for me!
Facts about me: im going to go with 5 vanilla and 6 kink related ones.
1. Im incredibly shy in person and although i natter away on here, face to face im the person in the corner hoping no-one notices me.
2. Im a night owl, and when i can get away with it its when im up cleaning, cooking, and blogging, mornings those who know me just dont talk to me for their own safety.
3. I read a lot, rarely watch tv, prefer the radio.....i am a movie addict though and my dvd collection is well into the hundreds.
4. I cant swim which is incredibly sad considering i live right by the sea, the open sea scares me.
5. Im easy going and laid back, but drink vodka and i turn into a complete bitch so experience has taught me....dont drink it!
6. Im extremely masochistic and this still gives me some bother at times, something im still not completley at ease with.
7. I love being allowed to remove his boots and socks and worship his feet...it gives me that instant feeling of 'this is where i belong'.
8. The cane is my favourite implement and i can take a hard caning, its not unusual for a good session with it for the strokes to go into the hundreds
9. I can orgasm on pain and intense humiliation alone.
10. I dont follow the train of thought that 'submission is a gift'
11. The wooden spoon however is something i will avoid at all costs, damn that thing hurts and not in a way i like.
The questions im answering:
1. What is your favourite pizza topping?
Ham and mushroom
2. What is your favourite eye colour?
Oh well i have never given this any thought so i am now! umm oh blue yes blue
3. Who is your favourite actor/actress?
Liam Neeson so much so that i was pregnant with my son when i went to the cinema to watch Schindlers List and determined if i had a boy that I would name him Liam.
4. What is your favourite song to sing in the shower?
Well i wouldnt exactly call it singing, screeching would be more accurate but i dont have a favourite, just what might be in my head at the time
5. What is your favourite way to connect with your partner?
Ok perhaps might seem boring but lounging in front of the tv, eating take-away and chatting about anything and everything...putting the world to rights usually.
6. Who is your favourite Author?
Love the classics so i will say CharlotteBronte.
7. What is your favourite spanking memory?
Oh um gosh it has to be when the bossman broke my hairbrush whilst spanking me we both ended up laughing when moments before i was wailing my head off.
8. Who do you find inspirational?
Well my gran who died a few years back was a huge influence in my life, an amazing woman that taught me many things.
9. What is your favourite article of clothing?
oh thats an easy one, i have these pjamas that are comfy and perfect for wintry evenings to snuggle on the sofa.
10. If you could meet a famous person living or dead, who would you have dinner with?
Hmm so many but well lets go for Charlie Chaplin
11. If you could have any one wish, what would it be?
For my children to be happy and healthy in their lives.
Now the nominees, oh i hate this because i think everyone who blogs deserves some recognition because we are all putting ourselves out there and letting people in to parts of our lives. Plus i follow a lot of blogs and i enjoy them all.
Im going to go for 3 that i picked at random (yes i know im a rule breaker) DancingBarez, joey and friends and ancilla_ksst.
The questions
1. Where is your dream holiday destination?
2. Whats your favourite food?
3. What one thing would you change about yourself if you could?
4. Name one thing that you love about your partner?
5. Favourite film?
6. Favourite spanking implement?
7. What 3 famous people (dead or alive) would you have to dinner?
8. How old were you when you lost your virginity?
9. What colour is your bedroom decorated in?
10. Do you have any pets?
Ok so i think that about covers it.
Oh rules..yes there are rules...
Well here you go....the small print (ok not so small)
Facts about me: im going to go with 5 vanilla and 6 kink related ones.
1. Im incredibly shy in person and although i natter away on here, face to face im the person in the corner hoping no-one notices me.
2. Im a night owl, and when i can get away with it its when im up cleaning, cooking, and blogging, mornings those who know me just dont talk to me for their own safety.
3. I read a lot, rarely watch tv, prefer the radio.....i am a movie addict though and my dvd collection is well into the hundreds.
4. I cant swim which is incredibly sad considering i live right by the sea, the open sea scares me.
5. Im easy going and laid back, but drink vodka and i turn into a complete bitch so experience has taught me....dont drink it!
6. Im extremely masochistic and this still gives me some bother at times, something im still not completley at ease with.
7. I love being allowed to remove his boots and socks and worship his feet...it gives me that instant feeling of 'this is where i belong'.
8. The cane is my favourite implement and i can take a hard caning, its not unusual for a good session with it for the strokes to go into the hundreds
9. I can orgasm on pain and intense humiliation alone.
10. I dont follow the train of thought that 'submission is a gift'
11. The wooden spoon however is something i will avoid at all costs, damn that thing hurts and not in a way i like.
The questions im answering:
1. What is your favourite pizza topping?
Ham and mushroom
2. What is your favourite eye colour?
Oh well i have never given this any thought so i am now! umm oh blue yes blue
3. Who is your favourite actor/actress?
Liam Neeson so much so that i was pregnant with my son when i went to the cinema to watch Schindlers List and determined if i had a boy that I would name him Liam.
4. What is your favourite song to sing in the shower?
Well i wouldnt exactly call it singing, screeching would be more accurate but i dont have a favourite, just what might be in my head at the time
5. What is your favourite way to connect with your partner?
Ok perhaps might seem boring but lounging in front of the tv, eating take-away and chatting about anything and everything...putting the world to rights usually.
6. Who is your favourite Author?
Love the classics so i will say CharlotteBronte.
7. What is your favourite spanking memory?
Oh um gosh it has to be when the bossman broke my hairbrush whilst spanking me we both ended up laughing when moments before i was wailing my head off.
8. Who do you find inspirational?
Well my gran who died a few years back was a huge influence in my life, an amazing woman that taught me many things.
9. What is your favourite article of clothing?
oh thats an easy one, i have these pjamas that are comfy and perfect for wintry evenings to snuggle on the sofa.
10. If you could meet a famous person living or dead, who would you have dinner with?
Hmm so many but well lets go for Charlie Chaplin
11. If you could have any one wish, what would it be?
For my children to be happy and healthy in their lives.
Now the nominees, oh i hate this because i think everyone who blogs deserves some recognition because we are all putting ourselves out there and letting people in to parts of our lives. Plus i follow a lot of blogs and i enjoy them all.
Im going to go for 3 that i picked at random (yes i know im a rule breaker) DancingBarez, joey and friends and ancilla_ksst.
The questions
1. Where is your dream holiday destination?
2. Whats your favourite food?
3. What one thing would you change about yourself if you could?
4. Name one thing that you love about your partner?
5. Favourite film?
6. Favourite spanking implement?
7. What 3 famous people (dead or alive) would you have to dinner?
8. How old were you when you lost your virginity?
9. What colour is your bedroom decorated in?
10. Do you have any pets?
Ok so i think that about covers it.
Oh rules..yes there are rules...
Well here you go....the small print (ok not so small)
- When one receives the award, one posts 11 random facts about oneself and answers the 11 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
- Pass the award onto 11 other blogs (while making sure one notifies the blogger that one nominated them!)
- One writes up 11 NEW questions directed towards YOUR nominees.
- One is not allowed to nominate the blog who nominated one's own blog!
- One pastes the award picture into one's blog. (You can google the image, there are plenty of them
Sunday, 18 November 2012
Well i got to feel like it
I have it set up on my blog that comments on posts over a week old i moderate, i did this back when i worte the controversial abortion post and just havent got around to altering it. So today i had a complaint on an older post from anon "you dont write about your s and m sessions anymore and I have yet to see a sex post"
Oh im sorry, see i blog what i feel like nattering about not to keep an audience happy, thats not to say i dont enjoy the interaction i do but i have to write like no one else will ever read it because otherwise i worry what people might think if that makes sense and if they like the post great if its not then hey thats fine as well, but just because i feel like it here you go.....
He beat me really hard then fucked me.
Oh im sorry, see i blog what i feel like nattering about not to keep an audience happy, thats not to say i dont enjoy the interaction i do but i have to write like no one else will ever read it because otherwise i worry what people might think if that makes sense and if they like the post great if its not then hey thats fine as well, but just because i feel like it here you go.....
He beat me really hard then fucked me.
Friday, 16 November 2012
Could, should, would.
"I will do anything" sounds great until your confronted with 'anything', i have moments which i liken to 'pillow talk' when i tell him i will do anything for him mostly when im feeling vunerable, this isnt about having limits and holding back from the dominant its about being realistic.
A comment on my last post (about that yucky thing ewww!) asked "what if your Master wanted it" which is unlikely but it does bring about the question of how far would i go to please him? there are 3 words here that come to mind....could, would and should. There was also an interesting observation of "how do you deal with a demand for something that you and your partner have never agreed was a hard limit?"
Pleasing him is important to me and there are occassions i submit to things that i dont enjoy, his pleasure, needs and wants come before mine....but and this is a big BUT would he intentionally ask something of me that i could not cope with on a physical or more importantly an emotional level? something that would be damaging to us?
No. is the short answer. Hence why i believe no-limits is an unrealistic concept, everyone has a breaking point, he doesnt want to break me down, he wants me to grow, to flourish, enforcing something on me that would be damaging...well thats no use to him.
I think when we start out on this journey of ttwd there is a level of uncertaintly to where it will lead, i couldnt have predicted i would be where i am now, i enjoy things i never thought i would, i have experienced things i didnt know about before i started this path. There are more than likely going to be areas where one wants something more than the other and when its the dominant wanting something it is conflicting because as his slave i want to be able to give him everything he wants and desires.
So yeah it comes back around to that good old fashioned talking....and listening....and sometimes (more often than not) its not resolved over night, when he is informed of the reasoning why i have difficulty with something then he can make a decision on whether to pursue the issue or not or just broach it at another time...growth and all that!
The important thing is he knows i want/need to please him and for the most part i am obedient so if a situation was to arrive where i balked at something he asked of me and in a serious way then its not something to be taken lightly. I am all for being pushed, i like being pushed but the dominant needs to know his submissive very well, his/her triggers and to be able to separate fantasy from reality and the reality is yes i have fantasies who doesnt but some i know as much as they may turn me on in my head, if they were to happen it would be far too much that i could cope with.
Just because he is Master doesnt mean he could, should or would, its about taking responsibility and sometimes that means realising and accepting that "i would do anything" has limitiations.
A comment on my last post (about that yucky thing ewww!) asked "what if your Master wanted it" which is unlikely but it does bring about the question of how far would i go to please him? there are 3 words here that come to mind....could, would and should. There was also an interesting observation of "how do you deal with a demand for something that you and your partner have never agreed was a hard limit?"
Pleasing him is important to me and there are occassions i submit to things that i dont enjoy, his pleasure, needs and wants come before mine....but and this is a big BUT would he intentionally ask something of me that i could not cope with on a physical or more importantly an emotional level? something that would be damaging to us?
No. is the short answer. Hence why i believe no-limits is an unrealistic concept, everyone has a breaking point, he doesnt want to break me down, he wants me to grow, to flourish, enforcing something on me that would be damaging...well thats no use to him.
I think when we start out on this journey of ttwd there is a level of uncertaintly to where it will lead, i couldnt have predicted i would be where i am now, i enjoy things i never thought i would, i have experienced things i didnt know about before i started this path. There are more than likely going to be areas where one wants something more than the other and when its the dominant wanting something it is conflicting because as his slave i want to be able to give him everything he wants and desires.
So yeah it comes back around to that good old fashioned talking....and listening....and sometimes (more often than not) its not resolved over night, when he is informed of the reasoning why i have difficulty with something then he can make a decision on whether to pursue the issue or not or just broach it at another time...growth and all that!
The important thing is he knows i want/need to please him and for the most part i am obedient so if a situation was to arrive where i balked at something he asked of me and in a serious way then its not something to be taken lightly. I am all for being pushed, i like being pushed but the dominant needs to know his submissive very well, his/her triggers and to be able to separate fantasy from reality and the reality is yes i have fantasies who doesnt but some i know as much as they may turn me on in my head, if they were to happen it would be far too much that i could cope with.
Just because he is Master doesnt mean he could, should or would, its about taking responsibility and sometimes that means realising and accepting that "i would do anything" has limitiations.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)