What say you?

Monday..oops Sunday,  it will be March, and March is usually q&a month for blogland.  So i have been thinking back to last year, and the upcoming one, i am quite happy to answer questions about anything...not sports though....i have no knowledge of sports! i like asking as well, its a bit of fun, getting to ask things that perhaps dont crop up on peoples posts but one would still like to know.

However, no questions for the bossman! ta very muchly.

Of course with q&a month, one has to respect that for some people there may be a question they cant answer or dont want to for any given reason, and although i will try to answer the best i can, i cant guarantee the answer will make any sense lol

Last year, got my knickers in a twist, way past that now.  This place is mine, there is an understanding that i can write what i like, he reads the blog, and if he isnt particularly happy about something i might write, i soon know about it, but otherwise its very much my domain.

I realise now, that i didnt like him coming on my blog during last years q&a, but the reason was mostly because i had no control over what he was going to be asked, and certainly no control over what his reply would be.

So, it niggled me that i had no control over the content of what was going to be put on my blog, when i write, i perhaps might tone things down, like the recent s/m session we had, i missed a fair bit out, thats my choice, and he is so blunt, and has a "I couldnt care less what people think" attitude...i do care, i know i shouldnt, but i do.

At the time, last year, i was corresponding via email with a fellow blogger about this subject, and she said how its refreshing to hear from the other side, so to speak, and it is, i like it myself when i read others blogs and occasionally the other side does a post.

She suggested that perhaps i ask him to write a post on occasion, like quarterly, and initially i thought about it and then dismissed it because i would want control...

1) i would want to decide the topic
2) i would want full editing rights before hitting publish
3) if i didnt like it at all, it wouldnt get published at all

and i couldnt see him agreeing to that, well i know he wouldnt.

But now i feel a little differently, although still no questions for him, i think i might ask him if he would do a quarterly post, 4 a year, if of course he wants to... i will think on it.

no title, which is actually a title though!

I have asked Master if i can join Fetlife, i used to be a member there a few years back, but just found it difficult to navigate, and some of the groups...bloody hell it was like being back at school.....the cool gangs..  the "im more a slave than you" mentality know what i mean?  so i deleted account.

But i thought i might give it another go, if he allows it.  With all the fuss going on with blogger at the moment, i dont plan to move to another site, i like it here, i like the community, and the whole picture thing isnt a big issue for me.  It will be different, bloggers moving on etc, so i shall wait it out see what happens...im changing nothing until the date arrives.

So back to Fetlife, should many bloggers leave, i wander if many are members of Fetlife in which case it might be the better option for me, to keep in touch etc, i can adjust to that easier than facing the prospect of moving this blog, im shit with computers, i suppose if i have to go to somewhere like Wordpress i will have to ask Master to import or whatever it is one has to do.

Now since starting this post earlier today,  google has changed its mind, for now, so panic over....so basically i published those pics in a panic, ok so i probably would have anyway..but thats not the point, i dont like being rushed! should i sue google for emotional distress? lol

I wrote a post, and then i removed it, which im glad i did, when Master read it he took in a way that i did not intend, but thats cleared up now, one of the comments on my previous post peeved me a bit...the "how do i justify calling what we do love, when he treats me the way he does etc" ps thank you Roz for pointing the idiot in the right direction.

well, what can i say, having all those orgasms at those times is a burden i have to struggle with every day.

Ok, comments to reply to..on it, well on it tonight!

Good times outweigh the bad

I do love the sadist.  I dont at the time, not always, he is mean, cruel, he wants me upset, hurt, crying and screaming, it turns him on big time, he loves it,  and yeah well bloody hell i do get great orgasms, lots of them. and the good times always outweigh the bad times.

As im tied to the chair, he slides needles in, feels between my legs and yes im soaking, the sadist feels the need to remind me of how once needles were a hard limit, that makes me smile, yeah they were, i recall being adamant that no damn way was he sticking needles in me...... how things change!  I love them now, i like to watch as he puts them in, not through the nipples though, i cant watch that, makes me queasy and he hoods me, my cries muffled as he pushes them through.

The sadist decided its time for a caning, and the needles will stay in, as i lie down on the bench the needles dig into my skin, its uncomfortable and its going to get a lot more uncomfortable.  As im mumbling about wanting a nice caning, he is back to getting snap happy, honestly i know i asked for photos but hello!!!! slave in need of a caning..back to it! 

So my nice caning, is not meant to start with a caning, the sadist is well being sadistic, and i complain, really not wise to complain whilst the sadist is being whack happy, he does change to a paddle, thank goodness for that, or so i thought until i started struggling with it.

Back to the cane, i like thick ones, thuddy is so much more nicer than stingy, and eventually i settled into it, slowly getting to the happy place, but i couldnt stay in it, this frustrated me a lot, later he kept saying its not a competition, but it is for me, i needed to prove to myself that i was back on form, and i wasnt, i didnt do as well as i have done.  As it was he said i was close to having to stop anyway as blood was being drawn, but still i was disappointed with myself, i can and have endured for longer than i did then.

There was some reprieve in between  the caning, the paddling and the wartenberg wheel, he would stop, and let me suck his cock, and i do love this, especially when im bound.

I thought the sadist was finished then, nope, "on the cross" apparently my tits were lacking in attention, really! i thought they were doing just fine, i remove the needles, i like to do that, being whipped on the tits is something i have always struggled with, well tit torture in general is not my most favourite thing.

I didnt get very far before i started my protests, the sadist was actually quite receptive to my protests, whats going on! since when does the sadist take any notice of my protests! he doesnt, he just changes tactic "back it is then" hmm maybe you should go back to being snap happy? no! ok then.

Off the cross, on again, turn around, legs apart, arms up and do the hokey cokey.

And it was ok, more than ok, it wasnt as hard as the whipping i had as punishment, it was endurable, until it wasnt, he said something, i think "hurting?" and being me, through gritted teeth uttered "no!" ahh one should learn not to provoke the sadist, especially when in fact it was hurting, because it results in hurting a lot more.

I think he gave me quite a few hard ones, that had me screaming out before releasing me, and then a nice hard fucking,

Yeah, i do love my sadist, even when i hate him.

Falling...not failing, although im good at doing that as well

This morning, sub-drop hit me hard and unexpectedly, i was bursting into tears throughout the day , crying about the punishment, the posts i wrote, should i have wrote them etc and just feeling bluh.

I was trying to pull myself together as my son was home from college for the day, and we had plans to lunch together before heading off to a meeting at his college late afternoon, i felt bad when he heard me crying in the bathroom, and i came up with some bullshit about worrying about his grandad, who isnt doing well health wise.

Im not usually an openly expressive emotional person (i know thats hard to believe lol) but i couldnt stop myself, it didnt help much when my mum phoned up to give me a hard time about not bothering to come and see her and my step-dad over the last few days, accusing me of being selfish and uncaring, normally i would have given as good as i got, but i had no fight in me left, it was easier to just to hang up....and yeah cry some more.

But, i had to get my shit together for my son, i wasnt going to ruin our time together, and we did have a lovely lunch, albeit later than planned, and it was lovely to hear him talking enthusiastically, looking forward to Uni in September, i cant believe my baby boy will be 18 in April and my daughter 13 the same month, its a cliche but blimey the time flies by.

I stopped taking the happy pills (anti-depressants) around a month ago, against my doctors advice, im starting to think he was right, the doctor, because what the hell is wrong with me?

I should be happy, ok the punishment aside, and yeah things had been rough before xmas but otherwise all is good, or i think they are, there are more people with bigger issues going on than me...but yet here i am bawling my eyes out (yeah again) for reasons i really cant put a finger on, well thats not entirely true some words from  Master earlierset me off again, not that he was horrid or anything but its not taking much to set me off crying at the moment.

Maybe it just is sub-drop, but its never been this bad before.

Right, i swear people a happy, jolly post will be next!

A view inside what happens in the room of doom

Getting these out, due to an email from blogger saying no explicit photos will be allowed in future, anyone else had an email like that?  sort of forced my hand, so umm yeah this is my contribution to photofest Febuary.

Will you still love me tomorrow.

I cant take back what i wrote in the previous post, its how i felt, and its still too raw too think differently, but the anonymous comments hit home, and im inclined to agree with what they both said, in a week or so my reflections probably will be different if i were to write that post again.

What i do know is, as horrid as it was, it was effective, it spelled out that he wont tolerate my blatant disobedience or lying, and in his mind thats mission accomplished, would being comforted afterwards diminish the effect/purpose of the punishment? thats what im left wandering, and it confuses me somewhat to admit that i think it would have...maybe.

In the past there are many times i have got off on his coldness, being left to dwell in my suffering, i like it, a lot, it is i guess emotional masochism, i havent and wouldnt want any comfort of any kind, this time was different, for obvious reasons.

In no way am i angry/pissed with him now, and i wasnt at the time either, perhaps being truthful a little resentful that there was no comfort, i was hurting, not just physically but emotionally, i couldnt pull myself together, i didnt like feeling that way, i didnt like him seeing me that way, although i know he enjoyed seeing me like it, getting tears out of me isnt easily achieved so im very sure he loved it, well i know he did, he said as much.

He was very snap happy, with the camera, i had asked for photos the night before, of the good times its been a long time since we have done that, i was intending to put some of them on the blog, now im not so sure, there is nothing remotely sexy/erotic about seeing images of myself crying/sobbing, with a snotty nose and my hair entangled in it!

Will need to think on that, im quite insecure when it comes to self image, and i admire those that are comfortable with putting pics up, i wouldnt put up anything sexually explicit, thats just not me, but some of the ones he took i do like, sometimes pictures say more than words.

Yep i have comments to get to, and i will.

Like a lamb to slaughter

I cried more in a few hours, than all of the years we have been together.

I didnt want to go in the room of doom, i said as much, in a last ditch attempt of bravado, being defiant was not a wise move, a threat got me moving.

I didnt even get fully undressed, i was left in stockings and my ankle boots usually he wants me totally naked, i think he was getting impatient with me.  Usually im quite fond of anticipation, waiting, watching him, trying to figure out what his move is going to be, but it was not nice in these circumstances.  He didnt need to drill me about why i was being punished, went through that the night before, there was nothing left to be said...just informing me that i would be getting the cane on both my hands and the dressage whip on my back.

He put a thick metal collar with a chain attached on me, its heavy and uncomfortable, not suitable for long term wear.

The tears, started when he told me to kneel on a footstool and hold out my hand, this is worse, for me, when i have to willingly hold my hand out, he has used the tawse before on my hand as a punishment (that was bloody horrid) and i just knew the cane would be worse.....it was, much worse.

I lost count of the strokes, im not a fan of counting during a punishment, i like it when i want to do it, without being told to, in general play, i used to, many years ago, find it baffling how anyone can lose count, how hard can it be for goodness sake....actually quite hard, i have learnt from experience.

I think its because, well speaking for myself, its difficult because emotions are all over the place, its not play, fun, his demeanour although calm its not in anyway nice, im crying, each stroke fucking hurts and your fighting to deal with the pain, before readying for the next one, and when i  said a number, and he said "no" its like being put on pause, im so sure it was that number, but it cant be because he said so, so did i under count or over count?  and there is this moment of panicking, trying to keep track.

The throbbing from my hands was relentless, there was no reprieve at all when he finished, just an instruction to get on the cross, i hate the dressage whip, its in my room 101, and i cant (especially now) see it ever coming out.

The first one, took my breath away, i wasnt expecting it to be that hard, i was struggling to count out at all, let alone keep count, made more difficult because he wasnt giving me any time in between strokes to recover from each one, when i was struggling with each one, and every one had me catching my breath, gasping for air whilst sobbing is not easy i found out, and all the while he is berating me for not calling out the count quick enough, but it was because i was panicking....a part of me hated him in that moment.

After, he had me get in the cage, securing the chain on the collar to the top of the cage so the only position i could hold was crouched down on my knees, it was uncomfortable, when all i wanted to do was lie down and curl up.

I couldnt stop crying, from the pain, from his coldness, i think thats what got to me the most, that i had been punished, and i needed reassurance from him then, some comfort of any kind, just anything to let me know i was forgiven, i needed that...and i got nothing.

I dont know how long i was in there, not overly long, 10 minutes, maybe more, i dont know, it was quiet, i couldnt see him, couldnt hear him, he had actually gone to the bathroom, but i didnt know that, i just sobbed, trying to move to get more comfortable, until he let me out.  I like being caged, but i didnt like being put in there at that time, i was too distraught.

When he did let me out, i thought now he will offer me some comfort, but no, he had me sit on the bondage chair, still sobbing while he restrained my arms and legs, i honestly couldnt believe it, and still cant now, when he said "why are you still crying, your punishment is over"!!!!

I didnt think even he could be that heartless, but clearly i was wrong, well let me see...why am i still crying?

well, it was the worst punishment i have ever had, i struggled with it, i know i deserved it, but i also think i deserved some comfort afterwards, i needed it, i needed to know that i was forgiven, that it was over and done with, it might have been for you, but it wasnt for me, you just left me to deal with it on my own.  Then you had me sit on the chair, to await goodness knows what and i was scared, was i still being punished? was you still disappointed with me? am i going to get more pain i dont like? all these thoughts were going on in my head, and i wasnt coping with it.

I had to ask you if i was forgiven, i shouldnt have had to ask, as much as i deserved to be punished, when it was over i wanted, no, i needed your comfort, reassurance,  surely i deserved that as well? a moments reprieve before moving on?

I need to get that off my chest before moving onto the more pleasanter parts.