Blast into the past

empting out the draft, folder, because blogger is being a shit, and i have just lost the post i had wrote.

i had a 2 year break from blogger, a few years back, so might as well sneak out the posts i wrote then, but never published.

October 2009

I love being collared and put on a leash, its the only time i get to wear a collar, but im nervous this time as we are going over to M and c's for..well kink stuff, she is really attractive, and i know i shouldnt compare, but i cant help it, he well, i like him, but not like that, not in im attracted to him way, not that it matters to you whether i feel any attraction to him or not.

But i do genuinely like them both, he is so relaxed, jolly, not as rigid as you are, dont take that the wrong way, your strict, formal, yes i know its good for me to learn and have discipline, to reinforce my enslavement, but sometimes its hard.

Im content to just kneel beside your chair,whilst you and M talk, trying not to fidget, i want you to be proud of me, c is making drinks, i dont think i can drink, too nervous, unless its vodka! but you wouldnt let me drink alcohol anyway, which is a bummer, this would all be so much easier if i was blotto, but its not as bad as the first time we did this, the first time i think is the worst in most cases..dunno, maybe.

Im itching to ask questions, ones that i hadnt thought of until this moment, but i know you wouldnt approve of me speaking out until im invited to or addressed, you unclip the leash, and when you do address me my heart sinks a little because you tell me to stand and strip.

I dont want to, and i hesitate, just a little, but enough for you to have to repeat yourself, and i feel bad, i know you do not like to have to repeat instructions, and im really shit at obeying sometimes immediately, but im nervous for goodness sake, give me a free pass.

After im naked, you tell me to kneel down again, i instinctively want to cover myself, but i know better than that, c comes back in, and sits next to her Master on the sofa, hmm im not allowed on the furniture!  i feel out of place, Master casually plays with my hair as they talk, its like he can sense my discomfort and that i need reassurance.

will finish off later, i want to get it down whilst its still fresh in my head, im tired, but a good, well beaten and used kind of tired.

The sadomasochists paradox

Blogger hates me, i have lost a post i spent time putting together, i published a post and it appeared, then disappeared! and i swear my drafts folder has posts missing!

The sadomasochists paradox (wanting/desiring that what we do not like)

Have you ever read something, a blog post, an erotic story etc, saw an image, that at first repulses you, you think its disgusting, too painful, not your 'thing'?  but you find yourself going back, just out of curiosity, and you dont want to admit it to yourself, because eww no its just wrong, but your intrigued by it.

You think about it, perhaps fantasise about it, you dont mention it to anyone else, what might they think! and after all you dont like it, but deep down, if your honest with yourself it holds an appeal, you cant stop thinking about it, you dont want to do it of course, oh no, but yet you keep going back to read that blog post, that story, look at those images.

I have, many a time.

Its through choice, that one may decide to give it a go or not, a conflicting choice, "what if i do it but i really hate it?" or "if i dont, i could be missing out on something i may well enjoy?".......however what if those choices were not yours to make?

My Master insists on being privy to my fantasies, thoughts and ideas etc, does not mean he will necessarily act on them, sometimes i hope he will, and other times my thoughts are like as i described above, there is uncertainty, a dislike, but yet i fantasise about it, but the choice on whether i want to give it a go or not is not mine to make, its his.

So some things, even now, that we do, i dislike, they have been made reality, and i can confirm that my inital reactions were spot on....i dont bloody like it!  no matter how many times it may be re-visited, i still dont like it.

But, still, thinking about it, especially when i know its going to happen, i want it, i desire it, i know im not going to like it, but what i do like is that i have no choice in the matter, its his control, his dominance over me that becomes and is more important than the physical.

Thats the biggest turn on of all.

Get to the point

Most men, i wont say all, as that is unfair, but most men its pointless being subtle, or dropping hints, it tends to go over their heads, you need to get straight to the point, Master is one of these men, well actually i do think he knows if im hinting but he chooses to ignore it, he prefers that i ask for what i want..so it went like this

"im being blunt, i need you to beat the shit out of me Master"

and i got in reply

"your wish is my command"

holy cow, it worked, lets see how far i can push this..

"cool, i wish for a day of unlimited orgasms Master?"

and i got...

"out of luck"

Bollocks!

ahh well, will settle for the beating.

Waddle like a duck

My granny had some odd ways about her, well dont we all!, one of these was the insistence that we should always keep a spare pair of knickers in ones handbag, for emergencies, like getting run over, you know because if one is run over, the first thing on your mind is going to be "ooh is my underwear clean" or maybe the paramedics on arrival might say to one another "hey bob, before we deal with the life saving, best check she has got clean underwear on!!!!  It used to make me laugh when she would go on about this, but you know sometimes i did keep a spare pair in my bag, not always.

Anyways, after a nice session of anal sex, Master and i head off out for a drink and something to eat, as we are walking along, gravity starts to take effect, yeah what goes up must come down....and eww its coming down, so im clenching my ass together, walking very much...well like a duck waddling, desperately waiting to get to the nearest bar....Master finds this highly amusing..the bastard.

And its not exactly pleasant whats coming down, (do hope your not eating, dear readers), and perhaps i should have been better prepared, i knew it was inevitable at some point, but im careful not to complain because Master could decide an enema is the solution in future!

You know how some woman say once you have been in labor, all sense of dignity goes out the window, clearly they have not had a tube stuck up their ass, water poured down it, made to get on hands and knees in bath, and be watched as its expelled.  I mean, i love humiliation, but i do draw the line at some things, and this is one of them, unfortunately the bastard..i mean Master, just crosses that line, perhaps i need to draw it a little bit more clearly...but i doubt that would make a difference.

Hate, hate enemas.

Anyway, get to the closest bar, rush to the ladies loo, well i wouldnt say rush, more like a fast paced waddle, clean myself up....and walllahh a clean pair of knickers are in my handbag.

Granny would be proud......well it was an emergency!

What's it like?...its.....

Its a common thought, question, comment that one sees around, "what is it actually like being a slave 24/7?" sue_lally asks.

Well if i was to describe my past week it would to all intents and purposes appear very ordinary, no being kept in a cage naked all the time...alas....but i guess thats not the answer your looking for.

Its, well its, liberating.

Its being snuggled up against him in bed watching crap tv, laughing

Its being pinned down to the bed, and being brutally fucked, screaming

Its walks along the riverbank, ice creams and lazing on the grass with the daily paper

Its walks in the wood, being bent over a branch and whipped with another branch....seriously who carries a pocket knife on them!!!yeah he does!

Its talking over dinner, debating, discussing the news, work, agreeing and disagreeing

Its being told what a dirty, filthy slut i am, interrogating, provoking me

Its getting all prettied up for a night out, nice dress, sexy underwear, looking beautiful for him, and for me

Its masacara running down my face, snotty nose, tears, after a beating, still beautiful to him

Its him being concerned when my blood sugar is high or low, taking care of me

Its him hurting me, humiliating me, making me feel worthless, that i am nothing to him

Its me moaning about him stinking out the bathroom again, every damn morning

Its being in the bathroom, being pissed on, and left covered in it

Its him treating me like a leper when i have my period, he doesnt do menstrual blood

Its having needles put in my labia, and watching the blood flow when they are pulled out

Its him working long hours, tired, just wanting rest/sleep, relaxing evenings of nothing

Its him feeling stressed because of long hours, long nights in the dungeon as he vents his stress

Its all of this and more, much more.

Let the river run

I am not like a rock that erodes.
I am not like a tree that bends and breaks in a storm.
I am like a river, I flow, I change, I seek knowledge, I evolve.

I turn 40 next year, and how different i feel about this than i did ten years ago approaching 30, how my life has completely changed, im totally ok about turning 40, i cried my eyes out when i turned 30...yeah i know how sad!

Ten years ago, my marriage had just disintegrated, broken down, ended, i had piled on a lot of weight from comfort eating, junk food and chocolate, lots of it, i drank a lot, i wasnt living, i was just getting by, going through the motions.

I met a dominant (not Master) decided to take the plunge, it didnt last long, but it was enough to know that this was something i wanted, needed, just after turning 30 i met Master.

In my 20's i had my life sorted, married young, married for the wrong reasons(security for my son), i knew that then, but nevertheless i was so certain that it was the right choice, and it was going to work, i would make it work.

My career was my priority, apart from my children, but even then sometimes my  time with them was sacrificed and work was put first (im not proud of that) i was so sure of everything, life was good for the most part, no financial worries, mainly due to a large trust fund from my grandfather, undercurrents of feeling unsettled were there, pangs of unhappiness but i managed them as well as i could.

Until they become unmanageable.

My 30's, being with Master, is such a different contrast to my 20's, as im sure with most people, we do change, we grow, think differently, lifes experiences change us, hopefully for the better.  I have changed, im not the woman i was 10 years ago, i dont want to say better, but different.

But even now, i can look back to the start of my 30's with Master and where back then i was so sure of M/s, what it would be like, confident that what i thought was right about so many things, what a slave was etc......and now approaching my 40's much of all what i thought has changed, my opinions have altered, perspectives are just different, im much more confident in my enslavement than i was back then.

Still getting it wrong at times, still sometimes feel like im stumbling along, but thats ok, im content to be like the river.

Sticks and stones.....

I have not been absent through my own choice.


I dont have many rules, its pretty much covered by the being pleasing and obedient expectation, but yes there are specific rules that have been in place from day one and have not changed, i broke one of those rules.

Usually at this point i would come up with a reason, excuse, but there isnt one, i made the choice to disobey him, needless to say he was disappointed with me, you know that saying 'sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me'? what a load of bollocks, words can hurt, most especially when they are from someone you love and respect, add to that being submissive with that need to please, to have their approval, oh, words they can hurt.

Master is not an easy man to get close to, especially in the respect of being close in a relationship, stoic would be an apt description, he isnt an easy dominant to submit to, he very much is of the mind that its his way or no way in the respect of our dynamic, and very black and white in his expectations of me, its simply a case of you chose/wanted to be my slave, submit and obey.

He is strict, harsh even, demanding, and pushes me to be/do better than what i think is my best, a "good girl" is rarely uttered, used sparingly, after all why in his mind should he praise me for doing/being what is expected of me, im his slave, it is after all my 'place' to please and obey him....thats his train of thought.

It took me a long time to come to understand him, what makes him the man, the dominant he is.

Master is an only child, his parents were both only children, he has no living family and he has never wanted children of his own and as such i think being as though im a parent myself, having children changes you, softens the edges, less selfish, its not just you anymore, not just a couple, the overwhelming feelings of love, nurturing and protectiveness that having a child brings out in you, having a tiny being dependent on you.

Master cannot relate to any of that, he can be very selfish, and lacks those soft edges, thats not to say he is unloving or uncaring, because he is, in his way, he just isnt very demonstrative of it, which can be difficult at times, for me.

I know he loves me, as i do him, but a difference is, i believe, is that his love for me is conditional, its my submission he values, my obedience, its the slave he loves, his words to me when i told him i had disobeyed him reiterated that.

A reminder of what i am, i am his property, owned, my body, the way i behave, what i do or do not do are his decisions to make, yeah sometimes it can be hot to be thought of this way, but sometimes the reality of what it all actually means can be difficult and on this occasion it wasnt hot, not a turn on, it was a harsh reality check.

Anyways its good to be back.