Often times i feel like this blog is on one repetitive loop, in fact im so sure i have written a post similar to this before! and when i feel like this i wander what and why im still here, reading around blogland as of late there seems to be similar thoughts around.
What keeps me here is its good for me to get my thoughts down, whether they be serious, or light hearted, kinky or vanilla, and i would miss the interaction with fellow bloggers, and it keeps the loneliness at bay.
I wouldnt want to change my relationship with the bossman, im happy, but i find it kind of lonely, in the respect that because of the nature of our relationship, how our dynamic works there is that sense of not being able to really be me, like with friends and family, there is that saying of 'a face for indoors and a face for out' and thats how i feel it is.
Im certainly not saying that i would want to be doing kinky things in front of other people, vanilla people, but to feel comfortable letting my submission show, albeit in a subtle way, mouse wrote a piece a week or so ago http://aslavestale.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/i-don-care-what-you-say.html which struck a chord in me.
The bossmans approval is important to me, what he thinks about me, how i behave etc is what matters most, and yet i am conscious of what people may think when i am subservient to him in a public/vanilla setting and it does hold me back in these situations.....i guess i have to admit, i cant stand the idea of people saying behind my back "ooh did you see the way she did everything" or thinking of the bossman "what an arrogant/chauvinistic ass" they may not, its probably just me convinced they do.
I wander because of society being as it is now, if behaving in this way, ie being subservient to him, makes people uncomfortable because its not something that is considered the norm in these times, as my friend says (who knows a little about our dynamic) "he does know its 2014 not 1915, doesnt he?" she says it teasingly but yet there is a hint there i suspect of what she might really be thinking....and im not sure i really would like to know what she really thinks.
And therein, is what makes this lonely, other than fellow bloggers here, i have no one whom i can relate to, or can relate to me, its like if i were to say to this friend "bloody hell its masturbation May, and he wont let me" even jokingly, she would no doubt go into a tirade of......he cant stop you, i wouldnt be having any of that, who does he think he is etc etc.....so even with my closest of friends, there is this huge part of my life, and important part of me, that i keep hidden.
So its lonely.
Thursday, 8 May 2014
Tuesday, 6 May 2014
Found my mojo
A view from the bottom.
Im naked, your fully dressed, i stand in the room of doom waiting, "wrists" and i offer them to you, and i study you as you secure the cuffs, theres that look i love so very much, its a look of determination, as your eyes reach mine i see that glimpse in your eye, that grin, oh i know these looks, they are the looks of someone who is going to enjoy causing pain.
A ball gag is put into my mouth, im not a fan of this gag, its the drooling, i hate the drooling.
You have me raise my arms, and attach the cuffs to the suspension hook, i watch as you crank it up so im on my tippy toes, you walk to the far wall where the whips, floggers and other various 'tools' are, i wander if your deliberating over what to use, or have you already decided but your enjoying my anticipation, knowing in my head im thinking "no, not that one" or "please, please, pick that one", do you enjoy hearing my sigh of frustration as you pick what you know im not keen on? or my "mmmm" as you pick a favourite?
The leather multi tailed whip it is then, thats a mmmmm, i love watching you as you walk back over to me, there is a hint of a smile on your face, and im grinning back at you, you move behind me, and im waiting, i think you like to keep me waiting, wandering when that first one is coming, no matter how prepared i am, its still a shock when that first one comes.....and when it does, i jerk in my bonds, its a good hurt, you change to the bullwhip, moving slowly around me, im struggling, really struggling now.
You stop, watching as you walk over to the draws, clamps, im pretty sure its going to be clamps and im right, oh, 2 sets, i groan, you chuckle as your hand reaches between my legs, im so very wet, i strain my body against your hand, so close, so very close but you pull it away, a sharp intake of breath as you apply the clamps to my labia, you tug on the chains, tightening them, im trying to pull away now.
Your hands play with my tits, pinching and twisting my nipples before the 2nd set of clamps are put on, you stand back, studying me, i wander what are you thinking right now? is it whether or not to continue the whipping?, moving me to a different piece of equipment? i get my answer as you go back to the draw to retrieve some weights, and attach them to the chain from the clamps, first the labia, and you get the first cries of pain from me as you suddenly drop the chain, then repeating to the clamps on my tits, my muffled screams bringing a satisfied look to your face.
You choose a cane and as the cane strikes the front of my thighs, my body writhes and as it does so the chains swing, sending the weights rocking,so many different sensations, im trying to focus on the caning, but the pain from the weights is distracting me from enjoying it as much as i would like.
Blow after blow, stomach, thighs, then moving behind me my ass is next, harder now, just how i like it, rhythmic and i orgasm as you continue until im gone, floating, each strike sending me further and further away into that happy place.
I dont know for how long it went on, its a blur, im still floating when you release me, and put me to my knees, your cock invading my mouth, pushing down my throat, hands gripping my head, holding it firmly when i try to pull away to get air, i contain my panic and adjust, breathing steadily, eager for your release.
Finished, you adjust your clothing, as i kneel there, exhausted, sore, but yet very, very satisfied, "look in the mirror" you say, i dont want, to, i ask to stay where i am, but he insists, slowly i get up, wincing at the tenderness between my legs, in the mirror i see a body covered in welts, some cuts from the whip and cane that have drawn blood, im thinking to myself what a mess, concern, uncertainty is on my face at what im seeing, he comes up behind me, his hands tracing over the marks "beautiful".
Im naked, your fully dressed, i stand in the room of doom waiting, "wrists" and i offer them to you, and i study you as you secure the cuffs, theres that look i love so very much, its a look of determination, as your eyes reach mine i see that glimpse in your eye, that grin, oh i know these looks, they are the looks of someone who is going to enjoy causing pain.
A ball gag is put into my mouth, im not a fan of this gag, its the drooling, i hate the drooling.
You have me raise my arms, and attach the cuffs to the suspension hook, i watch as you crank it up so im on my tippy toes, you walk to the far wall where the whips, floggers and other various 'tools' are, i wander if your deliberating over what to use, or have you already decided but your enjoying my anticipation, knowing in my head im thinking "no, not that one" or "please, please, pick that one", do you enjoy hearing my sigh of frustration as you pick what you know im not keen on? or my "mmmm" as you pick a favourite?
The leather multi tailed whip it is then, thats a mmmmm, i love watching you as you walk back over to me, there is a hint of a smile on your face, and im grinning back at you, you move behind me, and im waiting, i think you like to keep me waiting, wandering when that first one is coming, no matter how prepared i am, its still a shock when that first one comes.....and when it does, i jerk in my bonds, its a good hurt, you change to the bullwhip, moving slowly around me, im struggling, really struggling now.
You stop, watching as you walk over to the draws, clamps, im pretty sure its going to be clamps and im right, oh, 2 sets, i groan, you chuckle as your hand reaches between my legs, im so very wet, i strain my body against your hand, so close, so very close but you pull it away, a sharp intake of breath as you apply the clamps to my labia, you tug on the chains, tightening them, im trying to pull away now.
Your hands play with my tits, pinching and twisting my nipples before the 2nd set of clamps are put on, you stand back, studying me, i wander what are you thinking right now? is it whether or not to continue the whipping?, moving me to a different piece of equipment? i get my answer as you go back to the draw to retrieve some weights, and attach them to the chain from the clamps, first the labia, and you get the first cries of pain from me as you suddenly drop the chain, then repeating to the clamps on my tits, my muffled screams bringing a satisfied look to your face.
You choose a cane and as the cane strikes the front of my thighs, my body writhes and as it does so the chains swing, sending the weights rocking,so many different sensations, im trying to focus on the caning, but the pain from the weights is distracting me from enjoying it as much as i would like.
Blow after blow, stomach, thighs, then moving behind me my ass is next, harder now, just how i like it, rhythmic and i orgasm as you continue until im gone, floating, each strike sending me further and further away into that happy place.
I dont know for how long it went on, its a blur, im still floating when you release me, and put me to my knees, your cock invading my mouth, pushing down my throat, hands gripping my head, holding it firmly when i try to pull away to get air, i contain my panic and adjust, breathing steadily, eager for your release.
Finished, you adjust your clothing, as i kneel there, exhausted, sore, but yet very, very satisfied, "look in the mirror" you say, i dont want, to, i ask to stay where i am, but he insists, slowly i get up, wincing at the tenderness between my legs, in the mirror i see a body covered in welts, some cuts from the whip and cane that have drawn blood, im thinking to myself what a mess, concern, uncertainty is on my face at what im seeing, he comes up behind me, his hands tracing over the marks "beautiful".
Sunday, 4 May 2014
Masturbation May
It is, google says so, and if google says it then it must be right...May is international masturbation month.
yet i suspect that i will not be eligible to take part in this very important celebration, although i feel i should im all for marking important events, i would settle for watching him wank off though.....i will offer him the choice.....coz im kind and considerate like that.
yet i suspect that i will not be eligible to take part in this very important celebration, although i feel i should im all for marking important events, i would settle for watching him wank off though.....i will offer him the choice.....coz im kind and considerate like that.
Friday, 2 May 2014
Values on behaviour
On commentating on a blog post, http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/2014/05/scared.html .....in part of my comment i said something along the lines of that if i were to act up/intentionally disobey/ to get his attention/to get s/m, to provoke him into pushing me harder, he would not be pleased, he would consider it topping from the bottom.
Now, it shouldnt need to be said, but to make it clear, i dont think this behaviour is wrong, many enjoy the 'brat' type of dynamic, and i think perhaps if i could get away it with then i could well be inclined to be a brat, to act up to get what i want.
But, my Master is not the type of dominant that will tolerate this sort of behaviour, he values submissive behaviour, what he considers submissive behaviour to be more precise, so any attempts on my part (and there has been) to play him up, to provoke him in order to get a reaction that hopefully would result in a good hard s/m session, disappoints him and all i would achieve is hearing his disappointment.
He expects me to ask, to say if i need his attention, if i want a damn hard beating, im allowed and expected to ask for it and i do, but if my request is denied then im expected to accept that no gracefully (yeah, still working on that part!)
Sometimes its difficult, especially when he is very busy and focused with work, i kind of feel neglected at times and i have to fight the urge to not 'act-up', i dont always win that fight, it wasnt long ago that i confessed on this blog that i hadnt been doing the butt plug twice a day as im meant to, because i was wanting his attention.
Oh. I got his attention alright, but not in a nice way, his disappointment was made very clear, and punishment was inevitable....was it worth it? no, his disapproval of my behaviour especially when i know better was gut wrenching, and i feel that when i dont meet his expectations in this way, then he is forced to lower his expectations of me, and that makes me sad.
He is strict, sometimes i think overly so, i may not always agree with his decisions, or his expectations of me, but its out of respect that i do try to behave accordingly to his values, which for the most part are reasonable.
So on the times i lose the fight, he sees its as being disrespectful, and not the submissive behaviour he values, he expects better from me, and he deserves better.
Now, it shouldnt need to be said, but to make it clear, i dont think this behaviour is wrong, many enjoy the 'brat' type of dynamic, and i think perhaps if i could get away it with then i could well be inclined to be a brat, to act up to get what i want.
But, my Master is not the type of dominant that will tolerate this sort of behaviour, he values submissive behaviour, what he considers submissive behaviour to be more precise, so any attempts on my part (and there has been) to play him up, to provoke him in order to get a reaction that hopefully would result in a good hard s/m session, disappoints him and all i would achieve is hearing his disappointment.
He expects me to ask, to say if i need his attention, if i want a damn hard beating, im allowed and expected to ask for it and i do, but if my request is denied then im expected to accept that no gracefully (yeah, still working on that part!)
Sometimes its difficult, especially when he is very busy and focused with work, i kind of feel neglected at times and i have to fight the urge to not 'act-up', i dont always win that fight, it wasnt long ago that i confessed on this blog that i hadnt been doing the butt plug twice a day as im meant to, because i was wanting his attention.
Oh. I got his attention alright, but not in a nice way, his disappointment was made very clear, and punishment was inevitable....was it worth it? no, his disapproval of my behaviour especially when i know better was gut wrenching, and i feel that when i dont meet his expectations in this way, then he is forced to lower his expectations of me, and that makes me sad.
He is strict, sometimes i think overly so, i may not always agree with his decisions, or his expectations of me, but its out of respect that i do try to behave accordingly to his values, which for the most part are reasonable.
So on the times i lose the fight, he sees its as being disrespectful, and not the submissive behaviour he values, he expects better from me, and he deserves better.
Who is liebster, i should google, shouldnt i
but i cant be arsed.
Oooh this came at a good time, i have a post half written in drafts, which just isnt coming together at all, so a welcome distraction this is, thankyou http://mckittenspillowtalk.blogspot.co.uk/ for the nomination.
Oooh this came at a good time, i have a post half written in drafts, which just isnt coming together at all, so a welcome distraction this is, thankyou http://mckittenspillowtalk.blogspot.co.uk/ for the nomination.
1. Thank the person who nominated you and post a link to their blog on your blog.
2. Display the award on your blog-- by including it in your post and / or displaying it using a "widget" or "gadget".
3. Answer 11 questions about yourself which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.
4. Provide 11 random facts about yourself.
5. Nominate 5 to 11 blogs you feel deserve this award, who have less than 1000 followers. (Note that you can ask the blog owner this since not all blogs display the widget that lets readers know this information.
6. Create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer.
7. List these rules on your post. Once you have written and published it, you then have to :
8. Inform people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster Award and provide a link for them to your post so they can learn about it (they might not have heard of it!)
2. Display the award on your blog-- by including it in your post and / or displaying it using a "widget" or "gadget".
3. Answer 11 questions about yourself which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.
4. Provide 11 random facts about yourself.
5. Nominate 5 to 11 blogs you feel deserve this award, who have less than 1000 followers. (Note that you can ask the blog owner this since not all blogs display the widget that lets readers know this information.
6. Create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer.
7. List these rules on your post. Once you have written and published it, you then have to :
8. Inform people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster Award and provide a link for them to your post so they can learn about it (they might not have heard of it!)
so the 11 questions from mc
1) Whats your favourite colour?
purple
2) If you could go anywhere in the world for a week's holiday, where and why?
oh there are so many places, but mostly Egypt because i love history and would love to see the pyramids and the tombs, to see for real what i have read a lot about.
3) What's your favourite book? (if you can pick just one)
Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte
4) What's your favourite band? (again, if you can just pick one)
this is more difficult, i have quite a varied musical taste, but at a push it would have to be Queen
5) What kink do you love, even though it really surprises you that you love it?
probably predictable here lol, but needles, started out as a hard limit, was so sure i would not like them, i feared them...now i love them and one of my favourite kinks
6) If you were an animal, what would you be?
A tiger, simply because they are my favourite animals
7) What sex related toy could you just not be without?
remote controlled vibrating eggs, just so much fun for the both of us
8) What sex related toy would you be quite happy if it fell off the face of the earth?
inflatable butt plug....asses are not designed to be blown up...i just cant convince him of that!
9) What's the last thing you do at night?
close my eyes...sorry couldnt resist
10) What's your favourite month of the year, and why?
April, both my babies (well not so much babies now) were born that month, 5 days between them.
11) What's your favourite snack? (healthy or otherwise)
Being a diabetic, chocolate is a treat for me now, and if i get to Saturday night and my blood sugar has been good all week (ie i have been keeping myself well monitored, which i do tend to neglect) then i get a treat....and i tend to choose Guylian praline sea shells.
ok, 11 random facts about myself
1) i have a passion for handbags, my most treasured one being a vintage Chanel one which my grandfather bought me for my 21st birthday.
2) i live near the ocean, cant swim, im terrified of open water, even going on a boat scares me
3) originally my chosen career was law, i dropped out after about 8 months, opting for child psychology instead
4) im a bit ocd when it comes to cleaning, better than i was, but i cant go to bed if there is so much as a coffee cup left out somewhere, i would lie in bed stressing about it, i would be compelled to get up wash, dry and put it away.
5) i believe that ghosts exist
6) my favourite film is The Notebook, watched it numerous times and cry every time
7) i really, really want a pet pig, but not allowed
8) im terribly scatty and clumsy, if there was needle on the floor, it would come as no surprise if i tripped over it
9) i dont like texting, when i have to its to the point and as short as possible
10) love the theatre, seen nearly all of Andrew Lloyd Webber's productions as well as others
11) i am happier being in my own company than i am in a large crowd of people whether i know them or not
ah, now the part i dont like, nominating, its hard because i figure if your on my blog list, its simply because i like your blog!
so im going to get round this by simply nominating the first 4 that appear on my blog roll at this very moment that as far as i know have not been nominated..and these are
http://subjoolz.blogspot.co.uk/
http://littlepreciosoone.blogspot.co.uk/2014/05/an-email-from-sir.html
http://aslavestale.blogspot.co.uk/2014/05/do-everything-that-in-you.html
http://slavetomasterblog.blogspot.co.uk/
no obligation to take part.
questions
1) how did you meet your significant other?
2) best childhood memory?
3) if you had to live somewhere other than you do now, where would it be?
4) worst bad habit?
5) favourite book?
6) any big ambitions that you have yet to achieve?
7) name one guilty pleasure?
8) favourite film?
9) if you could or wanted to change one thing about your partner, what would it be?
10) what would they want to change about you?
7) i really, really want a pet pig, but not allowed
8) im terribly scatty and clumsy, if there was needle on the floor, it would come as no surprise if i tripped over it
9) i dont like texting, when i have to its to the point and as short as possible
10) love the theatre, seen nearly all of Andrew Lloyd Webber's productions as well as others
11) i am happier being in my own company than i am in a large crowd of people whether i know them or not
ah, now the part i dont like, nominating, its hard because i figure if your on my blog list, its simply because i like your blog!
so im going to get round this by simply nominating the first 4 that appear on my blog roll at this very moment that as far as i know have not been nominated..and these are
http://subjoolz.blogspot.co.uk/
http://littlepreciosoone.blogspot.co.uk/2014/05/an-email-from-sir.html
http://aslavestale.blogspot.co.uk/2014/05/do-everything-that-in-you.html
http://slavetomasterblog.blogspot.co.uk/
no obligation to take part.
questions
1) how did you meet your significant other?
2) best childhood memory?
3) if you had to live somewhere other than you do now, where would it be?
4) worst bad habit?
5) favourite book?
6) any big ambitions that you have yet to achieve?
7) name one guilty pleasure?
8) favourite film?
9) if you could or wanted to change one thing about your partner, what would it be?
10) what would they want to change about you?
Friday, 25 April 2014
All tied up or not
"shouldn't you be able to hold position instead of having to be restrained, it shows more willing submission rather than having to be forced, especially being as your a slave"
you know, im not sure if this is meant sardonically or not, however im in a very jolly mood as i have had a glass of wine and chocolate, which is a rare treat for me these days, so i shall give the benefit of the doubt.
Firstly being a slave has nothing to do with it in my opinion, unless i missed the memo stating otherwise, you know what niggles me is this whole idea that there are these set in stone ideas of what a slave should or should not do, so lets get rid of some common myths shall we.
1) a slave cant or should not have a safeword.......bollocks
2) a slave cant or should not have limits.....yeah bollocks to that one as well
3) a slave is a 'level up' from being a submissive....and that can join the bollocks list as well, being a slave does not make one more superior than being a submissive, just perhaps a different 'type' of submission.
4) a slave is weak.....quite the opposite, it takes a lot of strength to submit completely to the will of another.
Now, holding position, does it show more willing submission?
if you think it does, then thats fine, personally its not something i have given a lot of thought to, my Master has certainly never implied as much on the times i have needed to be restrained, so i figure if he hasnt got a problem with it then i havent either.
I love to be tied up, not just for the purpose of s/m but just being in bondage alone without any other kink does it for me, i find it calming, and it gets me into a very submissive head space, very quickly, if i had my way i would spend a lot more time in bondage than i do now.
Now, when it comes to s/m, sometimes i can hold position quite comfortably, and other times i cannot as much as i want to, when your say, holding onto a cross and a whip is striking you hard, taking you beyond your endurance level, pushing you beyond your normal limits its very difficult to maintain position, for those that can, fair play to them.
But im a wriggler in general, even without it necessarily being harsh im inclined to thrash about, so for safety reasons its better that im restrained......certain implements more so than others you dont want hitting you in the wrong places if one should unexpectedly move their position.
Plus, i can take a lot more when im restrained, not just because i cant escape it, but because as explained above it just puts me in a really good headspace, but yes of course because i am restrained it reinforces in my head that i have simply no choice but to accept what is happening and generally, albeit not always stops any fighting against what is happening.
All in all, there are other ways, ways that are more important to me, and to him that show my willingness to submit.
you know, im not sure if this is meant sardonically or not, however im in a very jolly mood as i have had a glass of wine and chocolate, which is a rare treat for me these days, so i shall give the benefit of the doubt.
Firstly being a slave has nothing to do with it in my opinion, unless i missed the memo stating otherwise, you know what niggles me is this whole idea that there are these set in stone ideas of what a slave should or should not do, so lets get rid of some common myths shall we.
1) a slave cant or should not have a safeword.......bollocks
2) a slave cant or should not have limits.....yeah bollocks to that one as well
3) a slave is a 'level up' from being a submissive....and that can join the bollocks list as well, being a slave does not make one more superior than being a submissive, just perhaps a different 'type' of submission.
4) a slave is weak.....quite the opposite, it takes a lot of strength to submit completely to the will of another.
Now, holding position, does it show more willing submission?
if you think it does, then thats fine, personally its not something i have given a lot of thought to, my Master has certainly never implied as much on the times i have needed to be restrained, so i figure if he hasnt got a problem with it then i havent either.
I love to be tied up, not just for the purpose of s/m but just being in bondage alone without any other kink does it for me, i find it calming, and it gets me into a very submissive head space, very quickly, if i had my way i would spend a lot more time in bondage than i do now.
Now, when it comes to s/m, sometimes i can hold position quite comfortably, and other times i cannot as much as i want to, when your say, holding onto a cross and a whip is striking you hard, taking you beyond your endurance level, pushing you beyond your normal limits its very difficult to maintain position, for those that can, fair play to them.
But im a wriggler in general, even without it necessarily being harsh im inclined to thrash about, so for safety reasons its better that im restrained......certain implements more so than others you dont want hitting you in the wrong places if one should unexpectedly move their position.
Plus, i can take a lot more when im restrained, not just because i cant escape it, but because as explained above it just puts me in a really good headspace, but yes of course because i am restrained it reinforces in my head that i have simply no choice but to accept what is happening and generally, albeit not always stops any fighting against what is happening.
All in all, there are other ways, ways that are more important to me, and to him that show my willingness to submit.
Wednesday, 23 April 2014
head....bang...wall
good times, shitty times, highs and lows....he pisses me off and i piss him off at times...thats life, thats relationships.
sometimes i let my mind wander to how good it would feel to give him a good slap when he is all "because thats the way it is" when i moan and bitch about how he is being unfair....and i should have giant holes in my tongue from holding back when he has a goddam answer for everything....it pisses me off.
and, and i dont always want rational, the man is so infuriatingly calm and rational when im having one of my shit-fits (the fact that i might be throwing a paddy because i havent got my own way, is not the point) well it might be...but lets overlook that.
and...yes im on a role...how about this
"you should learn to love that what you dislike, you should learn to love it because it pleases me"
then
"you should ask for things you dislike, rather than it always being what you like"
well, ok then Yoda...
if i liked everything that i disliked, then i wouldnt have nothing to ask you for that i dislike....but im sure there will be a reasonable explanation...in fact im counting on it.
and they say woman are confusing!
and who the heck likes everything anyway.
and i dont know why im getting my knickers in a twist about this, but it just feels good to let it out.
sometimes i let my mind wander to how good it would feel to give him a good slap when he is all "because thats the way it is" when i moan and bitch about how he is being unfair....and i should have giant holes in my tongue from holding back when he has a goddam answer for everything....it pisses me off.
and, and i dont always want rational, the man is so infuriatingly calm and rational when im having one of my shit-fits (the fact that i might be throwing a paddy because i havent got my own way, is not the point) well it might be...but lets overlook that.
and...yes im on a role...how about this
"you should learn to love that what you dislike, you should learn to love it because it pleases me"
then
"you should ask for things you dislike, rather than it always being what you like"
well, ok then Yoda...
if i liked everything that i disliked, then i wouldnt have nothing to ask you for that i dislike....but im sure there will be a reasonable explanation...in fact im counting on it.
and they say woman are confusing!
and who the heck likes everything anyway.
and i dont know why im getting my knickers in a twist about this, but it just feels good to let it out.
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