As i have a lot of posts in my drafts (100's) and im struggling with writers block i thought i might as well get some out of drafts folder and publish. I have some in drafts i wrote in the 3 year break i had from blogger. This one is from 2009 and just before i had took a break from blogger.
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My number of sexual partners is very small whereas with Master i dont know, he wont say and it irks me that he wont give me a figure, im guessing its a lot, he says he genuinely hasnt kept count its simply not important. His ex subs were more experienced than me, older than me and im not what he normally would look for, im not even sure im submissive enough for him, or that i can be....i just dont feel that im as submissive as some subs are, he says i shouldnt compare.
What i do know of his ex subs is not a great deal, he cared for them and thats evident in that some of them still occasionally keep in touch with him, he isnt a man that is easy to get close to not on an emotional level and sometimes thats difficult to deal with....quite reserved in fact, stoic and im bubbly...i think it gets too much for him...he is so damn stern.
From little bits i have picked up on over the last year or so i know some of them catered to his sadistic needs better than i do, he says im masochistic but im not sure certainly not enough to meet what he would like to dish out...sure he could if he wanted but it would be going way beyond what im able to handle, sometimes i feel that i sense his frustration that he has had to hold back.....and it saddens me that im not able to give him what he needs.
I should be able to give him whatever he wants, i want to please him.
No s/m isnt everything, he tells me my obedience and desire to please him is of more importance, they pretty much are the most important 'rules' in our relationship, im just feeling unsettled probably because he is just so busy and distracted its messing with my head, im creating problems that dont exist because im feeling insecure.
He has been so busy with work, been away working as well and whilst he was i came close to sending him a text asking him if he was fucking someone else! what stopped me was i know he would have been really disappointed in me for thinking it let alone asking it...because i know he isnt and wouldnt.
He wont approve of this post.
*now*
im not sure how i feel about what i wrote here, somethings have changed and some havent.
Sunday, 3 March 2013
Friday, 1 March 2013
The pleasure of denial
Fiona wrote a post on orgasm denial http://sirqandme.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/my-wiring-and-orgasm-denial.html and it was interesting in reading the responses and for many less orgasms equates to wanting less and im deducing feeling like sex less?, i think im in the minority in that orgasm denial plays a part in our dynamic.
For me its about the control, he owns me and therefore my body, he decides when and if i get pleasure in the form of sexual release, orgasm control isnt just about being deprived full stop, it can mean being teased for a time, being brought to the edge continuously and denied, it makes me wild, i buck and scream, beg for release, the intensity of it leaves me exhausted, sweaty and so desperate and at his mercy.....ahh but when release is given its damn well better than the usual orgasms.
Sometimes i do get denied for longer periods of times, the longest i have been denied is approx. 2 months it was punishment for bringing myself to orgasm without permission (he does like making a punishment fit the crime!) and it was horrid. But it was horrid because it was a punishment, it was a harsh way of putting me in my place, a reminder that my body is not mine to do as i like.
There have been other times its been long periods (weeks) simply because its pleased him to keep me wanting, and thats the effect it has on me rather than making me lose interest it feeds my desire, and mentally i get off on the control. That is my biggest turn on..being controlled.
However its not always like that, its just when the mood strikes him, more often than not he enjoys having me orgasm, sometimes it goes completely the other way and im over stimulated and being brought to orgasm over and over again can sound really great...but it can also be painful and im begging for no more.
Most importantly for me in respect of orgasm control, whatever form it might take is that it excites me, that my pleasure is controlled by him and thats a huge aphrodisiac.
For me its about the control, he owns me and therefore my body, he decides when and if i get pleasure in the form of sexual release, orgasm control isnt just about being deprived full stop, it can mean being teased for a time, being brought to the edge continuously and denied, it makes me wild, i buck and scream, beg for release, the intensity of it leaves me exhausted, sweaty and so desperate and at his mercy.....ahh but when release is given its damn well better than the usual orgasms.
Sometimes i do get denied for longer periods of times, the longest i have been denied is approx. 2 months it was punishment for bringing myself to orgasm without permission (he does like making a punishment fit the crime!) and it was horrid. But it was horrid because it was a punishment, it was a harsh way of putting me in my place, a reminder that my body is not mine to do as i like.
There have been other times its been long periods (weeks) simply because its pleased him to keep me wanting, and thats the effect it has on me rather than making me lose interest it feeds my desire, and mentally i get off on the control. That is my biggest turn on..being controlled.
However its not always like that, its just when the mood strikes him, more often than not he enjoys having me orgasm, sometimes it goes completely the other way and im over stimulated and being brought to orgasm over and over again can sound really great...but it can also be painful and im begging for no more.
Most importantly for me in respect of orgasm control, whatever form it might take is that it excites me, that my pleasure is controlled by him and thats a huge aphrodisiac.
Wednesday, 27 February 2013
Would rather stick pins in my eyes
I have to do this talk for work in front of a room full of adults at a seminar next Monday, they have come up before and normally the head of Senco does them, i have been asked before if i would but have managed to avoid it, now im being told i have to as the head has prior comittments....and im bloody terrified.
Put me in a room full of children im fine, competent, confident and i love it, a room full of adults and im the opposite, my colleagues have said i will be fine, im good at what i do so it shouldnt be a problem.....but there not getting it!
I am good at my job, dont like the paperwork aspect (who does?) but i genuinely enjoy working with children..thats why i went down this career route...not to stand and talk in front of adults about it..not a whole room full, no exageration but its making me a nervous wreck thinking about it.
I define as having an introvert personality, im not a lover of parties, huge gatherings, i have a small circle of friends and im happy to be in my own company, just give me a good book and i could escape for days without feeling the need for human contact...of course thats not realistic but if it was i would be content.
Yeah perhaps confidence, or lack of is a part of it, im not confident in social settings, i can get by when i need to but im more at ease with people i know and that know me. Im actually a full on chatterbox and will natter away with those i know and are used to me and on here 'blogland' i can natter, but if this was a 'munch' and in person i would be quiet sitting on the sidelines just content to listen.
The bossman is slightly the opposite, he would not be comfortable in a room full of children but talking to a crowd of adults is no problem but then part of what he does is getting paid to do talks, he has done radio and television so his confidence in that arena is far superior to mine but then thats experience as well.
So im sitting here today trying to write this damn talk but at the same time thinking of how to get out of it....even thinking of pulling a 'sickie' and i know thats really bad but the thought of public humiliation (which is so not my thing lol) is making me feel sick.
Put me in a room full of children im fine, competent, confident and i love it, a room full of adults and im the opposite, my colleagues have said i will be fine, im good at what i do so it shouldnt be a problem.....but there not getting it!
I am good at my job, dont like the paperwork aspect (who does?) but i genuinely enjoy working with children..thats why i went down this career route...not to stand and talk in front of adults about it..not a whole room full, no exageration but its making me a nervous wreck thinking about it.
I define as having an introvert personality, im not a lover of parties, huge gatherings, i have a small circle of friends and im happy to be in my own company, just give me a good book and i could escape for days without feeling the need for human contact...of course thats not realistic but if it was i would be content.
Yeah perhaps confidence, or lack of is a part of it, im not confident in social settings, i can get by when i need to but im more at ease with people i know and that know me. Im actually a full on chatterbox and will natter away with those i know and are used to me and on here 'blogland' i can natter, but if this was a 'munch' and in person i would be quiet sitting on the sidelines just content to listen.
The bossman is slightly the opposite, he would not be comfortable in a room full of children but talking to a crowd of adults is no problem but then part of what he does is getting paid to do talks, he has done radio and television so his confidence in that arena is far superior to mine but then thats experience as well.
So im sitting here today trying to write this damn talk but at the same time thinking of how to get out of it....even thinking of pulling a 'sickie' and i know thats really bad but the thought of public humiliation (which is so not my thing lol) is making me feel sick.
"no"
He doesnt like being told "no" from me that is, unless its a 'no' that means a yes...and they (men) say we are confusing!
When he asks something of me that really at that time im not wanting to do for any particular reason, maybe i just dont feel like it then i tend to say "if it pleases you" this tells him that i dont want to but i will of course submit and i do whatever he has asked.
The no that means a yes times are when we sit talking about us more precise is when he taps into the fantasies in my head and he will mention something specific and i protest that "no not interested in that at all" and he will smile that infuriating all knowing smug grin.
He will ask why im not interested and i hate this because its hard sometimes to verbalise why so i go for the option of "dont know" and i fall into this trap nearly everytime because he never just accepts that as an answer oh no.
He will start describing a fantasy and i put on this act of not being interested and he always asks "are you wet" and i always say "no"....seriously its like this near on everytime like its become a game, and he will put his hand between my legs and yeah of course im wet and he well yeah he just does that smug grin.
He never brings me to orgasm...no....he is playing the game....and of course im horny at this point and he moves in for the kill "dont you want to please me?" yeah but im still not going to admit that actually that fantasy does turn me on..oh..no..me im going to hold out for as long as possible...i will win this time.
He continues "you know that it turns you on, you can protest, you can deny, but we both know that no matter what ideas I put in your head and the more filthier and nastier they are, you love it, you want it"
"Isnt that right slut?"
only one answer to that....
"no"
When he asks something of me that really at that time im not wanting to do for any particular reason, maybe i just dont feel like it then i tend to say "if it pleases you" this tells him that i dont want to but i will of course submit and i do whatever he has asked.
The no that means a yes times are when we sit talking about us more precise is when he taps into the fantasies in my head and he will mention something specific and i protest that "no not interested in that at all" and he will smile that infuriating all knowing smug grin.
He will ask why im not interested and i hate this because its hard sometimes to verbalise why so i go for the option of "dont know" and i fall into this trap nearly everytime because he never just accepts that as an answer oh no.
He will start describing a fantasy and i put on this act of not being interested and he always asks "are you wet" and i always say "no"....seriously its like this near on everytime like its become a game, and he will put his hand between my legs and yeah of course im wet and he well yeah he just does that smug grin.
He never brings me to orgasm...no....he is playing the game....and of course im horny at this point and he moves in for the kill "dont you want to please me?" yeah but im still not going to admit that actually that fantasy does turn me on..oh..no..me im going to hold out for as long as possible...i will win this time.
He continues "you know that it turns you on, you can protest, you can deny, but we both know that no matter what ideas I put in your head and the more filthier and nastier they are, you love it, you want it"
"Isnt that right slut?"
only one answer to that....
"no"
Monday, 25 February 2013
Hidden in plain view
In the garden there is a pole, cemented into the ground with a length of chain attached near to the top and falling to perhaps half way down the pole, its a whipping post, cuffs are attached to the chain when in use.
The pole is situated to the left side of an outbuilding, its a fairly large building, about the same as a double garage, perhaps bigger, it has windows which are curtained and it sits in the very back of the garden. Its kept locked.
The outbuilding is the 'play' room/dungeon or as i call it the room of doom, although its not all doom many pleasures are had in there as well.
Inside it is mostly open plan, there is a small cubby hole to make coffee/tea and there is a wet room large enough for 2 bodies. The 'furniture' consists of St Andrews cross, spanking/caning bench designed so that the top half of the body is fully laid down and the lower half splits in to 2 pieces for legs, so the effect is you are bent over with legs wide, exposed and secured...basically like a hands and knees position.
There is a long padded bench, which is just simply flat, it has a built in cage underneath, the middle of the room is dominated by the suspension rig which works via a pulley. There is a large chest of drawers, full of the little bits and bobs, clamps, needles, weights, cuffs etc, a large ornamental vase holds an array of canes. One wall has a row of hooks for the various whips, crops, paddles...and there is a sofa for 'down time'. Its carpeted throughout...well obviously apart from the wet room.
Its funny i remember thinking when he first introduced me to the outbuilding, aside from the horror/excitement of 'what the fuck have i got myself into' that what must people think, how do you explain that.
And you know people look past it, they accept on the rare occassions a query is made that the pole is whats left of an old washing line that used to be there, the building houses old 'stuff', you keep it simple it and no more is thought of it. The children pay no mind to it because no big deal is made out of it..its understood that its kept locked to keep the 'stuff' safe and thats it..why elaborate!
I wander being the nosy person that i am would i be so easily blindsighted if i was on the outside looking in, i suppose its similar in a way to being submissive, or/and being in ttwd, its not something you or others 'see' its something you are...its just there.
The pole is situated to the left side of an outbuilding, its a fairly large building, about the same as a double garage, perhaps bigger, it has windows which are curtained and it sits in the very back of the garden. Its kept locked.
The outbuilding is the 'play' room/dungeon or as i call it the room of doom, although its not all doom many pleasures are had in there as well.
Inside it is mostly open plan, there is a small cubby hole to make coffee/tea and there is a wet room large enough for 2 bodies. The 'furniture' consists of St Andrews cross, spanking/caning bench designed so that the top half of the body is fully laid down and the lower half splits in to 2 pieces for legs, so the effect is you are bent over with legs wide, exposed and secured...basically like a hands and knees position.
There is a long padded bench, which is just simply flat, it has a built in cage underneath, the middle of the room is dominated by the suspension rig which works via a pulley. There is a large chest of drawers, full of the little bits and bobs, clamps, needles, weights, cuffs etc, a large ornamental vase holds an array of canes. One wall has a row of hooks for the various whips, crops, paddles...and there is a sofa for 'down time'. Its carpeted throughout...well obviously apart from the wet room.
Its funny i remember thinking when he first introduced me to the outbuilding, aside from the horror/excitement of 'what the fuck have i got myself into' that what must people think, how do you explain that.
And you know people look past it, they accept on the rare occassions a query is made that the pole is whats left of an old washing line that used to be there, the building houses old 'stuff', you keep it simple it and no more is thought of it. The children pay no mind to it because no big deal is made out of it..its understood that its kept locked to keep the 'stuff' safe and thats it..why elaborate!
I wander being the nosy person that i am would i be so easily blindsighted if i was on the outside looking in, i suppose its similar in a way to being submissive, or/and being in ttwd, its not something you or others 'see' its something you are...its just there.
Saturday, 23 February 2013
Drumming fingers
Im feeling that i dont have a lot to say, i mean there is only so many times that one can write about M/s, submission, slavery s/m, bondage and all that it entails before you wind up coming back around full circle again.
I am seriously lacking inspiration.
I like doing as im told, i dont have the struggles with submission and being controlled much (yes there are odd wobbly moments) i enjoy being bashed around, but there is only so many times you can talk about being whacked about before it becomes stale.
I think thats how im feeling with this blog at the moment..stale. I dont want to end up just writing for the sake of having a post out, thats not what this blog was intended for.
Think i will go and pester the bossman for inspiriation, failing that a good beating will do.
I am seriously lacking inspiration.
I like doing as im told, i dont have the struggles with submission and being controlled much (yes there are odd wobbly moments) i enjoy being bashed around, but there is only so many times you can talk about being whacked about before it becomes stale.
I think thats how im feeling with this blog at the moment..stale. I dont want to end up just writing for the sake of having a post out, thats not what this blog was intended for.
Think i will go and pester the bossman for inspiriation, failing that a good beating will do.
Thursday, 21 February 2013
teenage angst..oh and like its a picnic for me
I have come to the conclusion that blogger hates me, yeah im getting parinoid and taking it personal, apparently now i dont follow any blogs! unless i log off and back on every time i refresh, and i can reply to comments on my own blog but only when it chooses to let me! at the moment its choosing not...goddamit im being dominated by blogger and im about to go switch on its ass...i will not be beaten.
My son announced yesterday that he doesnt see the point in taking any more of his exams this summer because "dad says i can can go work for him" oh did he, well thats just great, is this the same dad that makes you and your sister promises and maybe one in ten times might keep them? is it? is this the same dad that didnt turn up last Saturday to your rugby match when he promised he would?
Do i say that? no, im trying very hard to not run him down, he is there dad after all, and of course they worship him because he doesnt follow the rules, he treats them as his mates (when he actually spends time with them), me im the horrid parent that keeps them to a routine, gets on their case about homework, makes sure there eating well etc...
Long, stressful talk later with said wanderful dad he agrees to tell our son that he cant work with him and he must sit his exams and go on to college as he previously wanted to...and why do i have this horrid feeling im going to be the worst person in the world...because of course as my son tells me "you enjoy ruining my life" oh the joy of teens.
My son announced yesterday that he doesnt see the point in taking any more of his exams this summer because "dad says i can can go work for him" oh did he, well thats just great, is this the same dad that makes you and your sister promises and maybe one in ten times might keep them? is it? is this the same dad that didnt turn up last Saturday to your rugby match when he promised he would?
Do i say that? no, im trying very hard to not run him down, he is there dad after all, and of course they worship him because he doesnt follow the rules, he treats them as his mates (when he actually spends time with them), me im the horrid parent that keeps them to a routine, gets on their case about homework, makes sure there eating well etc...
Long, stressful talk later with said wanderful dad he agrees to tell our son that he cant work with him and he must sit his exams and go on to college as he previously wanted to...and why do i have this horrid feeling im going to be the worst person in the world...because of course as my son tells me "you enjoy ruining my life" oh the joy of teens.
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