Lovely welcome lie-in this morning as its the school holidays, paperwork to do which i will get around to, yeah im a procastinator! blogger seems to being a bit more co-operative today, its actually updating my blogroll...i shall check out shortly if its letting me reply to comments on my posts, im not ignoring people honestly.
Bossman is busy with work, i seem to say that a lot and im feeling..i want to say neglected but thats overly dramatic, perhaps a little needy.
Im going to apologise, and whats worse im not sure who im apologising to, i was left a comment but it went to spam folder and i deleted it by not leaving it unticked, when i mass deleted, so if whoever you are reads this im sorry i wasnt being dissmissive of your comment.
You asked if i recall, not word to word my memory isnt that good lol if there is any resentment over being told no to something i wanted? and testing me?...im not sure what was meant by that?
I would love to say no not at all but that would be stretching the truth, although im not sure i would say its resentment i feel, probably more sometimes its a twinge of disappointment really it depends on what it is i wanted and how much i wanted it, mostly i will just shrug a "no" off because he is consistent in that a no is a no, nothing i say or do will change that so its best to just resign myself to that.
Testing? like as in setting me up to fail? or saying no just for the sake of it? He doesnt do this, most definitley not setting me up to fail, he simply doesnt 'play' those sorts of games, he will only ever ask of me what he knows im able to do, i may not like or want to do xyz but there is still the expectation that i will do it...i guess its that difference between cant or wont, cant is acceptable, wont is not.
When he says no its at his discretion, depends really again on what it is, if its appropriate he will explain why its a no.....im not meaning to be vague but its just well circumstance dependent.
Tuesday, 19 February 2013
Monday, 18 February 2013
Musings on trust
Insecurity is not nice and being as im someone that has really insecure moments where i dont think rationally im aware of the effects it can have on a relationship, rather the effects it can have on us, how much can one person take of someone's neediness.
I dont think being needy is necessarily a 'bad' thing in the context of our dynamic, he likes elements of me being needy, that i am dependent on him, i need his authority, control etc, but the neediness im talking about is borne from insecurity and perhaps a lack of self confidence.
Sometimes albeit not as often as i used to i would get 'down' moments of thinking im not worthy of him, surely he would be better off with someone else, when i displeased him i would beat myself up that i simply wasnt good enough, i wanted/want to be this perfect slave and anything less was failure on my part.
I would get parinoid that he was going to leave me, that i would be released and i would get irrational, panicking over what im going to do..oh it would snowball, rather than talk to him when i first had these thoughts, oh no not me i would dwell on them and my behaviour would change, he would notice but i would deny what i was thinking.
The beating myself up started stopping when he started punishing me when i did displease him, it was the whole being held responsible for my actions and i needed to be that helped..not that i enjoy punishments but rather i need the absolution.
The rest of my insecurities havent been that easy to deal with, on having a discussion with him recentley for the millionth time (ok slight exaggeration) he put it to me that perhaps it was that i didnt trust him enough....i balked at that.
I do trust him, i trust him to make decisions for me and for us, i trust that he will keep me safe, i trust his judgement etc, but then i really started thinking about it.
If i do trust him then i should trust that he isnt just going to leave me high and dry, i should trust that i am good enough for him and that to him i am the perfect slave, me thinking any less than that is not trusting his judgement to know what he wants.
and there it is....it always comes down to trust.
I dont think being needy is necessarily a 'bad' thing in the context of our dynamic, he likes elements of me being needy, that i am dependent on him, i need his authority, control etc, but the neediness im talking about is borne from insecurity and perhaps a lack of self confidence.
Sometimes albeit not as often as i used to i would get 'down' moments of thinking im not worthy of him, surely he would be better off with someone else, when i displeased him i would beat myself up that i simply wasnt good enough, i wanted/want to be this perfect slave and anything less was failure on my part.
I would get parinoid that he was going to leave me, that i would be released and i would get irrational, panicking over what im going to do..oh it would snowball, rather than talk to him when i first had these thoughts, oh no not me i would dwell on them and my behaviour would change, he would notice but i would deny what i was thinking.
The beating myself up started stopping when he started punishing me when i did displease him, it was the whole being held responsible for my actions and i needed to be that helped..not that i enjoy punishments but rather i need the absolution.
The rest of my insecurities havent been that easy to deal with, on having a discussion with him recentley for the millionth time (ok slight exaggeration) he put it to me that perhaps it was that i didnt trust him enough....i balked at that.
I do trust him, i trust him to make decisions for me and for us, i trust that he will keep me safe, i trust his judgement etc, but then i really started thinking about it.
If i do trust him then i should trust that he isnt just going to leave me high and dry, i should trust that i am good enough for him and that to him i am the perfect slave, me thinking any less than that is not trusting his judgement to know what he wants.
and there it is....it always comes down to trust.
Bulldozed by a 2 year old
Its gone midnight, i have snuck out of bed because i was just lying there wide awake, this post might get published tonight if its not realised im missing and i get dragged back to bed!
I should be tired, while they all went out to the movies and bowling i was looking after a friends daughter while she worked (the normal babysitter is sick), i have forgot how much energy a 2 year old has, well she is 22 months old..close enough.
The house is not child proofed because mine are 10 and 15, she seemed to take great delight in emptying any drawers and cupboards that she could get to, we had a minor incident when she pulled the telephone off the sideboard and it fell on her head, i seriously forgot how much a 2 year old can scream (she is fine), i think it was more the shock rather than it really hurting.
The dog took refuge in the laundry room, i desperatley wanted to join him.
I remembered that spaghetti bolognase is not a good choice of lunch to give a toddler, well it is but its messy, so bath and change of clothes later she decides to nap..phew! that lasted less than an hour before the damn dogs barking woke her up, and then she was crying for her mum..understandably, i get that..i was close to crying for my mum at this point.
How the hell looking back did i survive through it with both of mine. The funny thing is you do get through it because you have to, and damn it goes so quick and before you know it there growing up and it all seems a blur in the background. I remember finding it difficult when there at the toddler stage, it can be hard work, yes absolutley the good times far outweigh the tiredness etc, sometimes how i wish mine were small again...goes too fast.
So im up and awake, think i will go clean the kitchen now.
I should be tired, while they all went out to the movies and bowling i was looking after a friends daughter while she worked (the normal babysitter is sick), i have forgot how much energy a 2 year old has, well she is 22 months old..close enough.
The house is not child proofed because mine are 10 and 15, she seemed to take great delight in emptying any drawers and cupboards that she could get to, we had a minor incident when she pulled the telephone off the sideboard and it fell on her head, i seriously forgot how much a 2 year old can scream (she is fine), i think it was more the shock rather than it really hurting.
The dog took refuge in the laundry room, i desperatley wanted to join him.
I remembered that spaghetti bolognase is not a good choice of lunch to give a toddler, well it is but its messy, so bath and change of clothes later she decides to nap..phew! that lasted less than an hour before the damn dogs barking woke her up, and then she was crying for her mum..understandably, i get that..i was close to crying for my mum at this point.
How the hell looking back did i survive through it with both of mine. The funny thing is you do get through it because you have to, and damn it goes so quick and before you know it there growing up and it all seems a blur in the background. I remember finding it difficult when there at the toddler stage, it can be hard work, yes absolutley the good times far outweigh the tiredness etc, sometimes how i wish mine were small again...goes too fast.
So im up and awake, think i will go clean the kitchen now.
Saturday, 16 February 2013
Thats a first (removal of post)
I have removed my last post, not retracted a post before, not that i can recall, i dont like doing it because i tend to stand by what i write, even if later i have a different opinion what i wrote at the time is what i thought/think.
I have many posts in my back catalogue, published ones that i think differently about but i dont remove them because well they show growth etc.
I am going to address that here in ttwd, in bloggerland i do think we are for the most part accepting of others regardless of their situation, there might be the odd debate, heck there is even the odd post that causes a wave throughout our little corner of the world. I have noticed that on certain occassions we will get on the defensive if we feel that one of us in bloggerland is being treated unfairly..usually anonymous comments that cause the furor (spelt right?).
Some might say i have no morals because ...and i quote from a recent message about my last post (now removed) "support those having affairs behind their spouses backs, do you have morals"
I am not going to condemn people for the choices they make, right or wrong its really none of my business and i dont know the ins and outs of their lives.
I have the choice to read whatever blogs i like, no-one forces me to read them much the same as no-one is forced to read mine.
Ok i feel better for getting that off my chest.
I have many posts in my back catalogue, published ones that i think differently about but i dont remove them because well they show growth etc.
I am going to address that here in ttwd, in bloggerland i do think we are for the most part accepting of others regardless of their situation, there might be the odd debate, heck there is even the odd post that causes a wave throughout our little corner of the world. I have noticed that on certain occassions we will get on the defensive if we feel that one of us in bloggerland is being treated unfairly..usually anonymous comments that cause the furor (spelt right?).
Some might say i have no morals because ...and i quote from a recent message about my last post (now removed) "support those having affairs behind their spouses backs, do you have morals"
I am not going to condemn people for the choices they make, right or wrong its really none of my business and i dont know the ins and outs of their lives.
I have the choice to read whatever blogs i like, no-one forces me to read them much the same as no-one is forced to read mine.
Ok i feel better for getting that off my chest.
Friday, 15 February 2013
I get it now
My gran whom passed away a few years ago was a huge influence on me growing up, more so than anyone else, she had these sayings one of which was 'once a man, twice a child' she would say in reference to my grampy at times, (in a light heartened manner, as this post is intended to be!) i didnt get it, for a long time i couldnt make sense of what she was getting at.
This morning i was woken at 6.23 am, (i know it was this time because i was cursing at the glowing numbers) my alarm does not go off until 7am, its an unwritten rule that disturbing me before then will be at your own risk, i heard raised voices and banging so thought i better go and investigate.
Threw my bathrobe on and headed downstairs, stopped at the bottom of the stairs when i realised it wasnt a full on argument, but rather there are the 3 of them in the kitchen all bickering over who ate all of the chocolate coco pops and the noise was cupboards being pulled apart looking for more.
I now think i know what she meant.
I turned around and crept back up to the bedroom before any of them noticed me and i got interrogated, after my alarm had gone off and i was up and about sorting the children out for school, i received a text:
"we need coco pops, did you have the last of them?"
Yep im definitley getting what she meant.
So im off to buy them now to prevent further crisis in the household.
This morning i was woken at 6.23 am, (i know it was this time because i was cursing at the glowing numbers) my alarm does not go off until 7am, its an unwritten rule that disturbing me before then will be at your own risk, i heard raised voices and banging so thought i better go and investigate.
Threw my bathrobe on and headed downstairs, stopped at the bottom of the stairs when i realised it wasnt a full on argument, but rather there are the 3 of them in the kitchen all bickering over who ate all of the chocolate coco pops and the noise was cupboards being pulled apart looking for more.
I now think i know what she meant.
I turned around and crept back up to the bedroom before any of them noticed me and i got interrogated, after my alarm had gone off and i was up and about sorting the children out for school, i received a text:
"we need coco pops, did you have the last of them?"
Yep im definitley getting what she meant.
So im off to buy them now to prevent further crisis in the household.
Thursday, 14 February 2013
Wired up not quite right but not wrong either
I used to think i wasnt wired up right especially in the sense of sex, when i was a teenager and my friends started exploring boys and consequently sex i simply had no interest, in boys or sex, i didnt masturbate and well it just didnt interest me at all on any level.
My first boyfriend wasnt until i was 17 and i was 18 when i lost my virginity to him, he was much older than me and we were together for a couple of years, the sex was ok but then i had nothing to measure it by. I wasnt confident enough to discuss these desires i had in my head, so they lay dormant, he would get frustrated with me because i wasnt sexually adventurous.
When it ended i got married, very quickly afterwards, looking back now yes probably on the rebound. That marriage is not something i dwell on, i dont talk about it. The sex was a huge issue as in i had no sex drive, it was a chore, but i have 2 beautiful children, and thats that. Closed subject.
First dom, hmm i think i have mentioned him before well sex was a large part of it and for me it was more about exploring myself and my desires, we was not compatible on many levels and it ended, not long after starting, but i had explored enough to know i wanted more and a little more knowledge of what 'more' i wanted.
The bossman, well he can be arrogant at times, but credit where its due he reads people very well and as a dominant he is damn good (yes of course im biased), sex was not a subject we discussed much in the beginning (online chats and phone) which i found bewildering, the conversations were part vanilla and part about him asking me what i wanted, what i felt about things from putting the world to rights to kink related subjects.
Im not confident when it comes to sex, that became apparent early on when we physically started getting together, if i had my way it would be lights off, under the covers, however i wasnt going to have it my way, and the first time he asked me to strip off in front of him it was horrid, i felt humiliated and in a way i dont enjoy....change of plan in order.
He blindfolded me, tied me to the bed posts (4 poster bed at the time) and that made a huge difference to how i felt, i was more exposed but yet i felt it less, i was concious that i was naked and he was fully dressed but because i couldnt see and i couldnt move it made it easier to bear.
Now im better but i still wouldnt say sex is something im really confident about, apart from when it involves humiliation, if he degrades me and does 'nasty and dirty' things to me i come alive, i become the whore, the wanton slut, i need to be debased to be liberated sexually.
On the times its 'normal' sex without the frills im more reserved, i find it difficult to completly let go, which is why i have pondered that im not wired up right, i enjoy it yes, but often at these times i will ask him to please hurt me, to humiliate me and he obliges mostly not always, sometimes he is taking me simply for his own pleasure...and that in itself makes me feel debased, that i am being 'used' and thats what i enjoy, thats our making love.
My first boyfriend wasnt until i was 17 and i was 18 when i lost my virginity to him, he was much older than me and we were together for a couple of years, the sex was ok but then i had nothing to measure it by. I wasnt confident enough to discuss these desires i had in my head, so they lay dormant, he would get frustrated with me because i wasnt sexually adventurous.
When it ended i got married, very quickly afterwards, looking back now yes probably on the rebound. That marriage is not something i dwell on, i dont talk about it. The sex was a huge issue as in i had no sex drive, it was a chore, but i have 2 beautiful children, and thats that. Closed subject.
First dom, hmm i think i have mentioned him before well sex was a large part of it and for me it was more about exploring myself and my desires, we was not compatible on many levels and it ended, not long after starting, but i had explored enough to know i wanted more and a little more knowledge of what 'more' i wanted.
The bossman, well he can be arrogant at times, but credit where its due he reads people very well and as a dominant he is damn good (yes of course im biased), sex was not a subject we discussed much in the beginning (online chats and phone) which i found bewildering, the conversations were part vanilla and part about him asking me what i wanted, what i felt about things from putting the world to rights to kink related subjects.
Im not confident when it comes to sex, that became apparent early on when we physically started getting together, if i had my way it would be lights off, under the covers, however i wasnt going to have it my way, and the first time he asked me to strip off in front of him it was horrid, i felt humiliated and in a way i dont enjoy....change of plan in order.
He blindfolded me, tied me to the bed posts (4 poster bed at the time) and that made a huge difference to how i felt, i was more exposed but yet i felt it less, i was concious that i was naked and he was fully dressed but because i couldnt see and i couldnt move it made it easier to bear.
Now im better but i still wouldnt say sex is something im really confident about, apart from when it involves humiliation, if he degrades me and does 'nasty and dirty' things to me i come alive, i become the whore, the wanton slut, i need to be debased to be liberated sexually.
On the times its 'normal' sex without the frills im more reserved, i find it difficult to completly let go, which is why i have pondered that im not wired up right, i enjoy it yes, but often at these times i will ask him to please hurt me, to humiliate me and he obliges mostly not always, sometimes he is taking me simply for his own pleasure...and that in itself makes me feel debased, that i am being 'used' and thats what i enjoy, thats our making love.
Monday, 11 February 2013
SMS
Often on a Sunday we will go out for breakfast, buy our respective newspapers first, he is a Times man, im Daily Mail and we sit having breakfast reading our papers, maybe mention something about an article we are reading but for the most part there is little conversation...a comfortable silence.
For some reason on this Sunday i was feeling needy in a sexual way, we had sex on waking up but i was wanting more (which is unlike me), and over breakfast i took my time observing him whilst he was absorbed in reading his paper, thoughts running through my head of what i wanted to do to him, hmm is appropriate to objectify one's Master..yeah why not..good for the goose, good for the gander.
After breakfast, in the car he suddenly pulled into a layby off the road and this is out of routine so naturally i asked what he was doing to which he replied "giving you what you want" stopped the car, undid both seatbelts, got his cock out and pushed my head down.
"that better?" he asked afterwards.
oh yes. i swear its SMS aka selective mind-reading syndrom!....hmm now lets see if it works if i think about that Gucci bag im after.
PS blogger seems to be playing up, my list of blogs i follow are not updating and refreshing the page i then get lists of posts of one particular blogger i follow, is it just me..just wandering?
For some reason on this Sunday i was feeling needy in a sexual way, we had sex on waking up but i was wanting more (which is unlike me), and over breakfast i took my time observing him whilst he was absorbed in reading his paper, thoughts running through my head of what i wanted to do to him, hmm is appropriate to objectify one's Master..yeah why not..good for the goose, good for the gander.
After breakfast, in the car he suddenly pulled into a layby off the road and this is out of routine so naturally i asked what he was doing to which he replied "giving you what you want" stopped the car, undid both seatbelts, got his cock out and pushed my head down.
"that better?" he asked afterwards.
oh yes. i swear its SMS aka selective mind-reading syndrom!....hmm now lets see if it works if i think about that Gucci bag im after.
PS blogger seems to be playing up, my list of blogs i follow are not updating and refreshing the page i then get lists of posts of one particular blogger i follow, is it just me..just wandering?
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