Feeling secure or suffocated?

"Isn't it suffocating being dominated and controlled and is it everything?"

The short answer is no and no.  This isnt about suffocating me in fact the complete opposite, he wants me to think for myself, have my own opinions and express them, he wants to know i can make my own decisions, choices etc...i am just happier and more content deferring to him, doesnt mean i dont have a voice....oh trust me i do and i have no issues with letting him know what i think!  (just need a little work on expressing what i think in a more appropriate manner).

The extent to which i am controlled doesnt seem excessive to me but i think thats perhaps because i have got used to it gradually over time, in the beginning there was not this much control its been a gradual process as the relationship has progressed.

Im sure that to some people it would cause some discomfort and i can understand that, 6 years ago i more than likely would be disturbed that someone would want this amount of control over someone and i sure as hell wouldnt have thought i would want this level of control.

I might be wrong and completley off target here but i think for the majority of people exploring ttwd its an eye opener looking back as you go along, remembering how something you might do now you never would have imagined doing, and now you enjoy it, crave it even. 

I could list countless things but i wont, that cover a wide range, not just kink, s/m etc but silly things that i never thought i would take enjoyment from, these relationships foster trust, intimacy and allow us to open up to endless possibilities. 

There are times i have niggles and they are well documented throughout this blog, i mentioned in an earlier post that i think i have been 'steered' in this direction and a consequent comment from someone was is that similar to being manipulated, and yes i suppose in a way it is.

However i do believe he has simply worked with what was already there and yes guided me in the direction he wants but there has to be that desire, need and willingness on my part, forcing his control over me might work in the short term (being forced can be hot in certain contexts) but for the long haul sometimes its been to his benefit to exercise patience.

I feel secure under his control, and this is because its been at a pace i have for the most part been comfortable with, too much too fast and too soon could be suffocating, he was upfront about his expectations from the start but he was also clear he didnt expect an all singing dancing perfect slave from day one..it was me i think if anything who was unrealistic in that department.

The good feelings should outweigh any bad ones eg. the niggles, he wants me to want to submit because i need, desire to, not through fear or threats, he inspires me to want to please him and im rewarded with the security of his control/dominance.

Its Friday....im going random

I know my language can be shall we say 'colourful' at times on here and i do get picked up on it, but you should see the way he talks to his sat nav (which has a female programmed voice) she gets more abuse thrown at her than i do! im quite convinced he goes through a temporary personality transplant the moment he gets in the car....is it disturbing that sometimes im jealous of the bitch.

To quote Jerry Hall

"My mother said it was simple to keep a man, you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom"

Can we not just hire the first two..problem solved....although knowing how fussy i am about cleaning (slight ocd in that area) maybe not.....but the cook i could go with, i enjoy cooking i do, im just not that great at it.

Should i consider putting a disclaimer at the start of every post? maybe something like this:

*these are my words, expressing my thoughts, opinions and feelings they are not intended to cause offence nor are they implying that this is how you should do things, this blog is not a how to manual, a rule book or god forbid certainly do not mistake it for an example of being "the perfect slave/sub" you will be disappointed*

Actually thats not a bad idea, no one would get upset about being judged (and hands up im guilty of getting upset over comments i have recieved on here), and maybe just maybe it will avoid those "what if he wants to remove a limb" sort of questions and possibly but im probably pushing it, people wont feel the need to inform me im being abused.

I love cheese on toast.

I think too much, i question, im interested in peoples opinions whether i agree or not, blogger gives me an outlet to express what my thoughts are, as great as the bossman is he cant understand how i feel about everything or what its like (coz well he isnt submissive and he is a man...say no more!) and i have so many thoughts in my head i like getting them out and getting other peoples thoughts.

Cruelty is being served mushy peas, torture is being made to eat them.

Blogger compensates for the fact that i dont know anyone in r/l that i can identify with about ttwd or whom i can 'talk' with, there is no local community and we no longer engage in meeting with others (unless that changes, but unlikely). ...it can get lonely and this is my outlet.

I have all my limbs and he has no desire to remove them, phew thats such a relief.

I love card games, poker is my favourite, im damn good at playing chess as well if i do say so myself.

Im embarrassed to admit that when my daughter got Just Dance 4 game on the Wii for xmas i was addicted to the point that on my day off playing it, the time went so quick before i knew it 7 hours had gone by! (you have never seen a body move so fast when i realised the time and they were all due home very soon) im still crap at dancing though and i have been banned from playing it....by my daughter!  and i have always swore im not a computer game person.

Thank goodness its the weekend, i plan on having Saturday morning lazing in bed with my book, that plan will not go my way.

What lies beneath....sadism

Being dominant and having control over another comes with responsibility, i see the bossman as being more than just Master, he is counseller, teacher, mentor, good cop/bad cop, lover, friend, he is all of these for me and more, some more so than the others at times, dependent on my needs.  I say needs rather than wants because sometimes i dont want to be 'counselled' but he recognises that i need to be, especially as im not one for doing indepth emotional discussions it makes me uncomfortable dependent on the subject, but for my own fullfillment and progress in tpe, for both of us it is a need.

So in short being my Master is more than just dominating, its a position that wears many 'hats'.

He also has needs, one of which is the need to hurt me, its not a need in the definition of he couldnt live without hurting me, the same applies of my need to be 'counselled' i could live without it but its a need in that it fullfills him.  He is a sadist, and his sadistic needs need to be met.

Lil wrote an interesting post http://submissivesanctuary.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/fantasy-sadists.html?zx=592cb2914701dfd6 there was some interesting comments as well, and it got the cogs turning in my head, i havent really paid much mind to the bossmans sadism, and i wasnt sure how i would define it, does it need to be defined even?, on lil's post i commented that my Master was a sexual sadist.

The best definition i can give of sexual sadism (although its open to interpretation) is that for the bossman hurting me, making me suffer, sexually excites him, it sates him in the same way that sex does for people, there does not need to be any sexual interaction or climax achieved, inflicting pain on me is enough, he can be satisfied with just that.

That doesnt mean sex in any form doesnt happen at all, sometimes it does, its dependent on his mood.

Mostly when we regularly engage in s/m im enjoying it in a mentally receptive way as well as physically, there is tears, begging and screams etc but im loving my sufferring as much as he is loving giving it.  Given a choice between sex and an s/m session i will choose the s/m every time, it gives me a release which is far more satisfying.

Then there are his favourite times, which occur not so often, but when they do its genuine fear on my part, his focus is purely on sating his desires, there are tears and screams but unlike above i really want it to stop, he doesnt want me to enjoy it, he wants me to be really sufferring and i do.  He wouldnt however want to hurt someone that truely did not desire it on any level, and i do, they need to be masochistic and i am.

This is where i do struggle with my masochism at those times, i genuinely dont want it, but my body says otherwise, my arousal is evident by the wetness dripping down my legs but still i dont enjoy it, and he loves this, because it confirms to him that on some level i do desire it and the icing on the cake for him is im not enjoying it.

For as long as he has this need for sadism then i will do my best to cater to that need, but needs change and should they do so it will i guess mean me changing to adapt accordingly, yes s/m plays a large part in our relationship but its not the most important part, the sadist in him is another 'hat'.

Up and down like a whores knickers

I dont understand that phrase, i mean would a whore wear knickers?

Bloody men.  Is it too late to revoke my previous post...yes suppose it is.. ok i shall go test the theory of whether chocolate can compensate for lack of an orgasm.

Over and out.

Lets get it over with..coz its coming

That day..Valentines day, dont celebrate it, never have.  I know what a miserable bitch.

But reading a post on Joey's blog  http://joeyred51-joeyandfriends.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/valentines-day-month.html?zx=a4884354190febb8  made me think.  Im not very expressive in terms of love and romantic feelings, its just not me, and you will be hard pushed to find soppy posts here.

Yes i love the man, he is exasperating, infuriating, selfish and arrogant (at times) but its these traits i love about him as much as they irritate me at times, i love his intelligence, his wicked sense of humour, his cruelty and i love that he makes me feel safe.

I love lying in bed with him, i still love and dont think i will ever tire of exploring him kissing every inch pinching and biting his nipples, payback is a bitch! but oh so much fun! and i just love being next to him, whether it be at his feet or curled up in bed.

I love that he can be so cruel, treat me like dirt, humiliate and degrade me and still make me feel like the most luckiest girl on the planet.

I love that he loves me in all that i am.

Ok sappy post over and done with for another year.

A view from behind bars

Captivity is something that intrigues me, it was a fantasy of mine before i met the bossman to be caged and im lucky that this is a fantasy that has been made reality and for once its something that lives up to the fantasy.

I would love to experience captivity/caging for an extended amount of time, days but not really practical at the moment..perhaps one day.

I love the cage, its somewhere i feel safe, its a sanctury of sorts, and it feeds my need to be objectified in the sense of 'being put away' during (for a break) and after he uses me, mostly when its s/m orientated, i like being contained and its a different sense or feeling of containment than being in bondage. I dont have any negative associations with it.

Its a long cage and i can lie down fully in it, but cannot fully sit up or turn around, i can just about get on my hands and knees, its long because the top of the cage doubles as a spanking/caning bench, the underneath being bars all the way around and the door which is locked shut with a padlock.

I like watching him when im in it, especially if i have been put it in for a 'time out' when i need to come down and perhaps calm down from whats already happened, and being in the cage at these times i know he is not finished and it gives me time to contemplate him and what he has going through his mind to do next.

Sometimes he will sit and watch, and he looks at me in a manner as if he is studying me, similar to that of a rat in a cage in the course of a scientific experiment!  i wander if he is thinking "what shall I do to you now"

Sometimes he will move about getting ready for what he has planned, and i observe quietly, always quiet when im in the cage, will he go to the drawers where the needles are? that gets me excited, or maybe the third drawer down, the clamps and weights?, a shiver of apprehension and fear..not my favourite drawer.

He might stand looking at the selection of whips, flogger and canes etc, pick a few up and have a feel, put it down and move onto the next, some he picks up have me silently pleading he chooses it, others have me silently pleading the opposite and im hoping he moves on.

I love it when he is purusing his weapons of choice sometimes he will turn and look at me, he knows that whatever he is holding in his hands at that time will either fill me with excitement or dread, and sometimes the bastard will smile that all knowing smile and in that little trivial moment, with that 'look' i dont care whether i like what he is holding or not, just get me out the damn cage now im ready to 'play'.

What was and what is

It was in replying to a comment on a post mouse made  http://aslavestale.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/30-days-of-submission.html that i got fixated on being called a slave, i do that, i dont know why, i tend to pick up on something that might be said in a post and go off on a tangent...i can see why the bossman gets exasperated at times because this is what im like.

In trying to write this post im struggling to make some sense of my thoughts, this is my 4th attempt, the others have gone in draft folder which i really should have a sort out of...but thats a job for another day.

So anyway being called a slave.

The bossman refers to me as his slave (as well as other terms) he has a clear understanding of what it means to him, and really that should be all that matters, im searching for the right word/description on how it feels to me now, first and forefront in my mind im scared of it, of what it represents and am i worthy of it because i know what it means to him and its not how i imagined it to be.

There are some points which i think have contributed to me being 'uncomfortable' with it.

1.  When we first discussed enslavement and pursuing tpe, i bigged the word slave up, i was so sure of what it meant, i was to a cetain extent caught up in the fantasy images of what it would be like, i had this imagery of a lot of s/m, sex stuff and kink in general, i wasnt naive enough to think it would be that all the time but those were what i focused on.

2.  Being honest im just going to admit it way back, i thought slave made me sound 'better' more 'superior' than just being submissive, i mean it just sounds so much more sexier, more real?

3.  Its over-used now, thrown about like a boomerang,  you see it a lot...sub meets dom, enjoy kinky sex, bit of s/m perhaps etc every so often and within a few months its a full on tpe M/s relationship. (edited to add, that im not saying this is not the way it shouldnt be etc, its my reflections, thoughts, and that applies to all the above)

Maybe im being too sceptical...or perhaps realistic?

So now, well now i know different, its not what i thought it would be, oh sure the kink and everything is there but thats not what its about, its about the t (total) in tpe..complete, absolute, everything and...

and i still have some of those proverbial walls up. i still try to hold onto little bits of independence..and yes i try to hold onto some measurement of control, its about communicating lots and lots, holding nothing back, coz how can he truely own me unless i surrender all that i am, was and will be to him?

For him this is what tpe and slave means, everything, all in its entirety...and its scary, but yet its also comforting and im not sure how i got from what was to what is....its just happened, i want to say natural development but im more inclined to think i have been very carefully 'steered' in the direction he wants us to go.

So in effect this is what it means for us.