Take me there....going beyond my pain threshold

I have never asked him to do his worst, i couldnt handle it not yet and i may never will.  He said to me once that he would take me as far into depravity and push my pain threshold as far as i could go and beyond, there have been lots of tears, laughs and lessons learnt along the way.

It has been somewhat of a revelation in the last few years realising and accepting that the more nastier and cruel he is during s/m sessions the more turned on i get, the more worthless he makes me feel through humiliation the more i crave and worship him, when the two are combined im there, im there in that place of just 'being'.

Sometimes i fight against it, i dont want to go there, i have stood in front of you tears streaming down my face begging you to stop, you dont you never do its like as much as i reach the moment of just 'being' and i will endure whatever you need to give me, you reach your own state where your only sated by bringing me pain and humiliation...im merely a conduit in which your desires, sadism and cruelty flow through.

Its so very difficult sometimes at the time, i have hated you, i have been tied to the cross or the bench and pulled against the restraints even tried to undo them with my mouth if its within reach, broke one of the leather wrist cuffs once in my desperation to get free, you calmly and unfazedly resecured me with another. 

Its said there is a fine line between love and hate, i can understand that, at the time i may hate you, but afterwards when your sated and im exhausted, sufferring and tearful i dont think i could love you anymore than i do at that time and i will ask, no i will beg you to take me there again.

Just because he can isnt always enough

Because of the nature of our dynamic there are many things he will and can do simply because he can, he does not need my approval or consent he does not need to explain his reasons behind his decisions and his actions, but its very unusual that he will say 'because i can' as a response to any query i may make, and for the most part he will give an explanation for his desicions and actions.
I question a lot and i like answers, i need an understanding of why sometimes rather than being fobbed off with 'because i can' that doesnt give me anything and although i submit and obey and want and need that, in order to be the submissive i and he wants me to be then i need to understand what he wants and expects from me and i can only know if he tells me.

Much emphasis is placed on the dominant getting inside the submissives head, to understand her further but its a two way street i want to know what makes the bossman tick for the same reason, i want to know his desires and what makes him want to do these nasty but enjoyable things to me, because i want know to know how best to serve those desires instinctively without prompting.

Its not about questioning him at every instruction we have been together long enough now that i pretty much know whats expected and i know why he wants and desires the things he does but sometimes something comes along that i struggle on understanding his reasoning and i need to know that i can ask him about it without being told 'because i can' i find that patronising.

Yes there are times he does act on 'because he can' he doesnt need to say it, he instructs and i obey but i know i can ask him why at an appropriate time so long as its respectful and not challenging his authority.

I need to remember i was a teenager once upon a time

My son left on Sunday lunchtime to go to Barcelona on a school trip, his girlfriend arrived at our house at about 3pm she's a lovely girl and i invited her in and she promptly burst into tears apparently she doesnt know what she is going to do for a week without him...sigh...and deep breath..mantra going around in my head.."i was a 15yr old girl once..." over and over...but i wasnt like that..i was more a nerd and interested in my studies than i was boys but heck i can do this..yes i can....

ok well apparently i cant!  i just had this burning urge to give her a shake and pull herself together..he hasnt even been gone 4 hours yet!..you only been going out 5months..but apparently in teen terms thats a lifetime commitment..should i start looking for hats?  I offerred her something to eat..big mistake..huge mistake...she cant possibly eat her stomach is in bits..and i got a look as if to say do i know nothing.....well considering her every sentence ended with "you know" i think im expected to.    Of course it was difficult to actually have a conversation because her mobile kept going off  with text and facebook alerts "its my bezzies (translate to best friends) checking im ok"....oh dear lord.

Before she left she gave me her mobile number and is going to add me to her friends list on facebook (lucky me) with instructions to get in touch when i hear from him because he hasnt texted her once and its been "like 4 hours you know".....and i thought to myself..yes i do know..i know that he cant be doing with being hassled and putting up with drama, and i know she should step back and let him do the bloody chasing ..but i shut my mouth and smiled.

Im a country girl

I have lived in the country all my life and i feel very lucky that where i live is considered one of the most beautiful places in the UK, i take it for granted, but i know when i go to London or go with Master sometimes on his courses to cities when i get back i appreciate just how fortunate i am.

Its a novelty going to cities but i couldnt live in one, I have family that live in London and i love to go and see them but its such a fast paced way of life, the traffic, the people crowding the streets and dont get me started on the underground it scares the hell out of me and i guess i stick out like a sore thumb.

But i guess a lot of it is what your used to, i suspect many city people wouldnt want to live in the country i know my brothers wife doesnt like coming to visit here very often she considers it quiet and too isolated but its those very reasons and more of why i like it.  Master and i both like going out for long treks, i like being amongst nature not concrete towers, i like the peacefulness and the quiet of being out in the woods and nothing but the sounds of birds and woodland animals and the smells..ok apart from cow and horse poo!

I love waking up, pulling my curtains and seeing the sea and its a 5 min walk to the nearest beach, of course it has its downfalls being a small village community everyone knows everyones business well at least they think they do! but its been a wanderful place to raise my children and because of the small community people look out for each other and my children have been able to go out and be safe, climb trees, make camps in the woods..the things i used to do when i was a child beats sitting at home playing on a game console.

Safewords and subspace

I have written about safewords before but a perspective i hadnt thought of is how sometimes a safeword can be relied on too much, to the point that it could cause a dominant not to monitor his submissive as vigilantly as he should be (mostly related to s/m) because he is relying on her to communicate to him via a safeword if something is wrong.

Personally we dont use a safeword, we did in the begininng but as the s/m became more intense the less one was needed which is odd i know you would think it would be the opposite but as things become more intense i get into subspace more easily and therin lies the problem of relying too much on a safeword.

When i get into deep subspace i am gone, i am in my own bubble, i can barely if at all register if he is saying anything to me let alone communicate myself, i am entirely absorbed by this intense feeling of calm and its when im probably at my most vunerable, he has fisted me before when i have been in subspace but i can honestly say i dont remember it, its hazy and if it wasnt for the fact i know he wouldnt decieve me i would be convinced it hadnt happened..thats how deep under i can get at times.

Relying soley on a safeword at these times could potentially be more of a safety risk because i am unable to register if something is wrong that should be, more importantly it requires that he is extremely vigilant in whats happening, constant checking in to ensure that all is how it should be.

Im not saying that having no safeword at all is the way to go, and there is nothing wrong with having one but i think its more important that due care and attention is paid to the submissives responses and the overall situation than relying on a word being utterred.

No game playing

I think an important part of enslavement is consistencey, this reinforces trust, it provides the slave with the security of knowing if her Owner says something will be done it will be, i couldnt handle changing of mind on a constant basis or one day something be acceptable and the next week its not, i need to know where i stand.  Its important to me that he is upfront about his expectations of me and in return he expects the same, he does not desire bratty behaviour if he gets an indictation im heading that way its stamped out and likewise i dont want to be set up intentionally to fail.

If he wants to beat me he will simply because he wants to, there need not be any other reason than that, it would not benefit me or him to have him 'create' an excuse or to set me up in a no win situation where the consequence is punishment and so he has a reason to hurt me.

Im not saying this is how it should be, this is how it is for us, some people like the role playing of "you have been a naughty girl...." etc and there is absolutley nothing wrong with that but im not talking of simply role playing i mean the act of setting the slave up to fail.

I have a problem with this due to the fact that most slaves need to please, disappointing their Owner is worse than any punishment they could endure so to be set up to fail by their Owner would be crushing and i would go as far as saying damaging to their enslavement.  It doesnt promote a healthy consistencey which in turn effects trust and security which are foundations of the dynamic and once the foundations start get cracks its only a matter of time before it all crumbles.

I dont have a high sex drive

I dont! doesnt mean i dont enjoy it because i do but a couple of times a week would be fine with me, i dont refuse him when he does want it and i enjoy it when it happens, but sometimes i feel like there is something wrong with me.  I dont know why it is, i get aroused very easily and it doesnt take much to make me climax but even when im aroused i dont often have that need to have sex it just happens that im aroused and something has triggered that arousal.

When i am aroused its pain i seek before sex, achieving an orgasm through s/m is just as sexually satisfying to me as actually having sex, sometimes a sex act may be incoporated into the s/m but it doesnt need to be the, s/m alone leaves me sated.

I worry that there is something wrong with me and i know most likely im being silly and i know its stupid to compare to others but i cant help it....why do i not have a high sex drive? i could understand it if i didnt like sex, or the passion was gone but i do enjoy sex and the passion is there but i just dont crave it but yet i crave him..and that doesnt make sense.

I wander if its because i dont associate sex with M/s or anything to do with being submissive i mean yes sure its a part of it but to me it matters little in the bigger picture, i would give up sex before i gave up s/m if that was ever a consideration, and i would give both of them up and just have the M/s dynamic which to me is more important.