Internal enslavement is fundementally about consent, it cannot be taken by force it requires time, patience and lots of communication, there must be consent at the beginning when starting this process.
There is much talk of having the right mindset and this has always baffled me, as individuals is it not fair to say that we all think differently, react differently, so how can we define what is the right mindset? In the beginning i liked labeling myself as a slave it was hot it was kinky and it just sounded better...how naive i was.
A slave should have no limits or safewords its often said or used to distinguish between sub and slave, and i have in the past said this myself i admit that....yeah well like i said naive. I have grown since then and i have a better understanding of what internal enslavement is about....its about how i think, what i think, having the outer walls that i have built up around me chipped away, to be completley open, to be accepting of what i am.
It makes you vunerable, dependent even when you let someone in completley, all your inner feelings and thoughts shared and this in turn is what makes it so difficult because when you become so dependent on someone else there is the fear of it all falling apart or worse being abandoned.
I wander how you find that balance of being able to completley give over everything physically but more importantly emotionally and mentaly without losing yourself along the way, its a struggle, i struggle it holds me back because i fight against completley letting go, i guess im scared of where it will lead me.
Slave, sub who is to say what they mean, im submissive and i believe very much in internal enslavement...its more than just doing its a thought process.
Saturday, 10 March 2012
Friday, 9 March 2012
5 years on...trip down memory lane
I think its around this time 5 years ago we first met up, im not very good with dates, im not very good with talking feelings and emotions either, im reluctant to let people in...you risk getting hurt when you do that..but damn it this is going to be a positive post...its been 5 years for goodness sake....thats good..no its not good its bloody amazing.
Its been a very good 5 years i would never have expected it to last this long (ok im working on being positive), im certainly a lot more secure now in my place with him, i dont tend to feel as needy as i used to, yes have the odd moments but i guess im content....would i want more? of course i always want more of him but you make the best of what you have.
We have had lots of amazingly good times a few bumps along the way, you have to have the bumps i think i dont think any relationship of any dynamic is without its bumps. So this time five years ago, and i still remember the first time more than i do the more recent times.....
I didnt follow the recommended guidelines of safety when meeting up the first time (i know im such a rebel lol) no one knew whom i was meeting, where it was to, we had spoken online and on the phone for a couple of months and that was enough so we planned to meet up.
I was so nervous an excited nervous i had had one previous D/ relationship so i had a taster enough to know this is what i wanted, needed. I arrived first and the waiting for him was the horrible bit just getting more and more anxious, wandering if i was doing the right thing, when he arrived i remember feeling relief that he had turned up but not knowing what to say or do....it was like back being a teenager on a first date!
We sat on the bed talked a lot which relaxed me and eased my nerves then we kissed and i remember putting my hand down onto his dick, we was fully dressed, but he pulled my hand away saying not yet.....see the man was infuriating even back then and has just got worse with age!
He had me stand up infront of him and undress to my underwear whilst he sat there and watched and then stood touching my ass, tits etc..talk about feeling like cattle on display in a farmers market! He tied me to the end of the bed (it was a 4 poster) and blindfolded me, oh fuck i was nervous but very turned on, he attached pegs on my tits, feeling my pussy to see my reaction and he had also stripped off.
He untied me and put a pillow under my bum/lower back whilst i was laid on the bed and then we had sex (with a condom..safety police!) of course it was good it bloody good. It was a good 2 days and 2 nights, exploring pain, i had my first taste of a flogger and a cane on my tits and he caned my ass, the thing i remember specifically is when he caned me it got to a point where i asked it to stop and he asked if i would take 3 more for him, i had a safeword in place at this point but i wasnt close to using it, i took the extra 3. Now i realise i think that this was a start in judging how i would respond to being pushed that little bit further than i wanted to go..i could be wrong but he does tend to even now when i have had enough ask me to take that little bit more..not always....well actually let me correct that now he doesnt ask he insists.
There is more so much more......and hopefully much more to come in the future.
Its been a very good 5 years i would never have expected it to last this long (ok im working on being positive), im certainly a lot more secure now in my place with him, i dont tend to feel as needy as i used to, yes have the odd moments but i guess im content....would i want more? of course i always want more of him but you make the best of what you have.
We have had lots of amazingly good times a few bumps along the way, you have to have the bumps i think i dont think any relationship of any dynamic is without its bumps. So this time five years ago, and i still remember the first time more than i do the more recent times.....
I didnt follow the recommended guidelines of safety when meeting up the first time (i know im such a rebel lol) no one knew whom i was meeting, where it was to, we had spoken online and on the phone for a couple of months and that was enough so we planned to meet up.
I was so nervous an excited nervous i had had one previous D/ relationship so i had a taster enough to know this is what i wanted, needed. I arrived first and the waiting for him was the horrible bit just getting more and more anxious, wandering if i was doing the right thing, when he arrived i remember feeling relief that he had turned up but not knowing what to say or do....it was like back being a teenager on a first date!
We sat on the bed talked a lot which relaxed me and eased my nerves then we kissed and i remember putting my hand down onto his dick, we was fully dressed, but he pulled my hand away saying not yet.....see the man was infuriating even back then and has just got worse with age!
He had me stand up infront of him and undress to my underwear whilst he sat there and watched and then stood touching my ass, tits etc..talk about feeling like cattle on display in a farmers market! He tied me to the end of the bed (it was a 4 poster) and blindfolded me, oh fuck i was nervous but very turned on, he attached pegs on my tits, feeling my pussy to see my reaction and he had also stripped off.
He untied me and put a pillow under my bum/lower back whilst i was laid on the bed and then we had sex (with a condom..safety police!) of course it was good it bloody good. It was a good 2 days and 2 nights, exploring pain, i had my first taste of a flogger and a cane on my tits and he caned my ass, the thing i remember specifically is when he caned me it got to a point where i asked it to stop and he asked if i would take 3 more for him, i had a safeword in place at this point but i wasnt close to using it, i took the extra 3. Now i realise i think that this was a start in judging how i would respond to being pushed that little bit further than i wanted to go..i could be wrong but he does tend to even now when i have had enough ask me to take that little bit more..not always....well actually let me correct that now he doesnt ask he insists.
There is more so much more......and hopefully much more to come in the future.
Wednesday, 7 March 2012
Nature or nurture
Its question time this month apparently so my biggest one (question that is) is what contributes to making us who we are, why are we submissive or dominant, masochistic etc, is it nature or nurture? Can people be made submissive or dominant? is it just the way we are or is it the influences we encounter growing up and into adulthood? or both?
ok so more than one question....something i do wander about.
ok so more than one question....something i do wander about.
Tuesday, 6 March 2012
asymmetric expectations
I think its reasonable to have expectations, there are things i expect from my Master off the top of my head..leaving aside emotional needs
to keep me safe....(in regards to s&m)
to be honest with me
to be consistent
to push me to be the best i can (for him and for me)
His expectations of me are different apart from being honest that works both ways, but there are things i dont expect from him and that list would be much longer..even off the top of my head...because there is an element of us being unequal.
This is a relationship that is asymmetrical, ie having no balance and misproportioned, he can have expectations of me that i dont with him for example if he asked to see my emails then i would hand them over, i would not expect the same from him and it would not cross my mind to want to.
This leads to privacy...simply any privacy i have is what he allows me i am not to keep anything that he needs or wants to know from him, this does not work both ways, of course unless its something that would be detrimental to either or both of us.
I think the term asymmetric is more apt than using the term unequal because its about the lack of balance....the scales definitley tip more in his favour....is this right? oh thats a whole different issue altogether.....do i think this is fair? no i dont but this in itself is what makes the relationship asymmetric it is what i think in some ways defines D/s or M/s dynamics..well for me anyway.
to keep me safe....(in regards to s&m)
to be honest with me
to be consistent
to push me to be the best i can (for him and for me)
His expectations of me are different apart from being honest that works both ways, but there are things i dont expect from him and that list would be much longer..even off the top of my head...because there is an element of us being unequal.
This is a relationship that is asymmetrical, ie having no balance and misproportioned, he can have expectations of me that i dont with him for example if he asked to see my emails then i would hand them over, i would not expect the same from him and it would not cross my mind to want to.
This leads to privacy...simply any privacy i have is what he allows me i am not to keep anything that he needs or wants to know from him, this does not work both ways, of course unless its something that would be detrimental to either or both of us.
I think the term asymmetric is more apt than using the term unequal because its about the lack of balance....the scales definitley tip more in his favour....is this right? oh thats a whole different issue altogether.....do i think this is fair? no i dont but this in itself is what makes the relationship asymmetric it is what i think in some ways defines D/s or M/s dynamics..well for me anyway.
Monday, 5 March 2012
Purple boobies
Its not very often i will put photos up but im so proud of these marks especially as it bloody hurt getting them, the chair (see previous post) was just the beginning of the torment...he wasnt finished. After getting out the chair he put my arms behind my back and secured them with an arm binder which fits from wrists to just below shoulder, i struggled against this it really is uncomfortable.
He used the paddle some more as well as this smaller flogger but i wasnt being very co-operative so he said he would bind my tits if i kept moving which just made my eyes light up....i love having my tits bound with rope, i love the tightneness of it. I knelt in front of him as he sat in a chair and secured the rope around them a fair few times and behind the neck creating a rope bra effect, my tits just stuck out nice and firm but most of all nice and sensitive....the advantage of having them bound is they bruise much more easily.
He had me sit on the spanking bench, he stood behind me with one arm grasping me around the neck and in the other a whip, i couldnt move and i actually didnt want to, it hurt yes but this time was differrrent and im struggling to define how, it may have helped that he allowed me to play with myself at the same time. I dont know how many it was or for how long it lasted its all very blurry now even though it was only a couple of days ago.
The next morning when we woke up i was delighted with the bruises that had come up over night, so was he, he likes to see the results of his work he says. I love being marked and will relish these bruises for as long as they last it makes all the pain in getting them worthwhile although i dont think quite like that at the time. So im being brave and putting a piccy up.
Sunday, 4 March 2012
The Torture Chair
When he said to me "we need to mark your tits up its been too long" i felt dread as well as thinking what do you mean "we"! but i figured there was no point questioning that i knew what he meant.....i dont like tit torture or rather its not my most favourite thing.
He had me stand up with hands behind my back and he used a paddle with holes in it...my hands didnt stay behind my back i kept moving them to cover myself...i do not like that paddle, as i couldnt keep my hands still he put me in the chair.
The chair is as obviously stated a chair but it has straps to secure the 'victim' in, wrists, ankles, and waist so you are rendered immobile but it doesnt stop there..oh no it has an attachment at the front much like a gate which opens and closes and secures to the chair . The 'gate' has 2 bars one lower than the other and these bars have chains with clamps attached on the end this is all connected to a winch on the gate which can be turned to pull the chains tighter. ...the clamps connect to the nipples and the clit.
There is no head cage on the one we used. As he is securing me in i start to beg, i was due on so more sensitive than usual and im damn sure i didnt want my nipples clamped and yanked but this wasnt deterring him, he started turning the winch....and i screamed, i called him names, told him i hated him, and he laughed, his fingers in my pussy confirmed what he knew already i was dripping wet. He used a whip on my tits and i was helpless no hands getting in his way now, i pleaded to let me have one of my hands free to use the magic wand and he allowed this.....oh yes as i brought myself off he pulled more on the winch and there was the perfect balance of pain and pleasure.....until he removed the clamps!
I hate that i love that chair.
He had me stand up with hands behind my back and he used a paddle with holes in it...my hands didnt stay behind my back i kept moving them to cover myself...i do not like that paddle, as i couldnt keep my hands still he put me in the chair.
The chair is as obviously stated a chair but it has straps to secure the 'victim' in, wrists, ankles, and waist so you are rendered immobile but it doesnt stop there..oh no it has an attachment at the front much like a gate which opens and closes and secures to the chair . The 'gate' has 2 bars one lower than the other and these bars have chains with clamps attached on the end this is all connected to a winch on the gate which can be turned to pull the chains tighter. ...the clamps connect to the nipples and the clit.
There is no head cage on the one we used. As he is securing me in i start to beg, i was due on so more sensitive than usual and im damn sure i didnt want my nipples clamped and yanked but this wasnt deterring him, he started turning the winch....and i screamed, i called him names, told him i hated him, and he laughed, his fingers in my pussy confirmed what he knew already i was dripping wet. He used a whip on my tits and i was helpless no hands getting in his way now, i pleaded to let me have one of my hands free to use the magic wand and he allowed this.....oh yes as i brought myself off he pulled more on the winch and there was the perfect balance of pain and pleasure.....until he removed the clamps!
I hate that i love that chair.
withdrawl symptoms
I havent had access to blogger this weekend via my own laptop and him being a meanie wouldnt let me on, he sat there in the restaurant on his iphone reading one of my posts and wouldnt let me on not because of anything specific but because i think he just enjoys winding me up for the sake of it...i came close to getting a bit pissy but held back...whoa yes im getting better!
What i actually realised and did admit to him is that i have become a bit addicted to blogging again after having roughly 2 years away from it, and im very protective of my blog, thankfully he lets me get on with it with no interference...read that as i dont want him on my blog! ok i cant stop him it is in his email address plus i wouldnt/couldnt say no to him, anyway but he has no interest in contributing....it was set up for me, its my little corner of the world and im possessive of that little corner.
A good weekend im on a high still, i will write about some elements of it, i like to get my thoughts down but at the moment im relishing being on my high...hoping there wont be a low or sub drop if you prefer.
What i actually realised and did admit to him is that i have become a bit addicted to blogging again after having roughly 2 years away from it, and im very protective of my blog, thankfully he lets me get on with it with no interference...read that as i dont want him on my blog! ok i cant stop him it is in his email address plus i wouldnt/couldnt say no to him, anyway but he has no interest in contributing....it was set up for me, its my little corner of the world and im possessive of that little corner.
A good weekend im on a high still, i will write about some elements of it, i like to get my thoughts down but at the moment im relishing being on my high...hoping there wont be a low or sub drop if you prefer.
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