You cant? hmm really

"you can't punish a masochist with pain, it is counter productive"

I have to disagree with that, and im pretty sure im not the only masochist that would do so.

Firstly, lets define masochism, look it up in most dictionaries and the common factor is "someone who derives sexual gratification from pain" and yep thats me, and yes even when a form of pain is used as punishment i get aroused.

ahh, i know what your thinking....and that is.....so point proven, how can it be a punishment if it turns you on?

because my cunt has a mind of her own, she might be enjoying it, but every other part of me isnt sometimes...however it isnt just that alone that makes a difference.

There are things i dont like, regardless that they arouse me, i dont like it, off the top off my head, the dressage whip, the butt plug inflated past 4 pumps, the cane on my thighs, pretty much any implement on the thighs come to that, especially on the inner thighs, wooden spoons, kitchen tools in general actually...really they should just stay in the kitchen! there are more.

He knows what i really do not like, and therefore what is more effective.

But for me what makes the biggest difference is how i feel, how i respond to his demeanour, if he is punishing me its because i havent been good in some way, usually because i have disobeyed him or behaved in a way he doesnt like, so he isnt pleased with me, and i have no one to blame but myself, so i feel bad, guilty, and im on edge, i find him intimidating at these times, even though i will beforehand (when i know punishment is imminent) sometimes get a bit cocky, try to manipulate him, talk him around (i know, bad slave!) when its actually happening, in that moment, i genuinely am one sorry slave and there is no 'smart mouth' attitude, i guess the best way i can explain it is he makes me feel 'little', nervous and mostly ashamed that i have given him reason to punish me.

The actual punishment itself is a consequence of my actions, but also i need it, dont want it, but need it, because it allows me to move past feeling guilty, it wipes the slate clean, puts things back to the way they should be.

of course, not all punishments need to be physical in nature.

On second thoughts

Well it is said its a womans prerogative to change her mind is it not?, ok so the bossman may well disagree with that, but lets not concern oneself with what he might think for the time being.

So in my last post i was feeling positive, and i still am in respect of how i feel about my submission, i guess sometimes i feel better about it overall than i do at other times,  i think when one does have struggles with submission etc, i wander if its a case of setting ones goals too high, or trying for the elusive perfection.

But i have been dwelling on some of the things that are lacking in my submission, so this is where its a womans prerogative to change her mind comes in!  i cant help but over think things, or maybe its that somethings warrant spending time thinking about, but the point is one thing i am terrible at is procrastinating and trying to find loopholes...ok thats 2 things, there are more but lets stop there!  and these things are not making me a good submissive.

He decided some time back that, perhaps a couple of months ago, cant remember exactly, that he would like to know what i think about when i have the plug in, it was agreed that i would send him an email once a week, with said information, how or what he chooses to do with that information is another matter.

Now, there isnt much, well anything really fantasy wise that he doesnt know about, things i desire, turn me on etc, and for the most part im comfortable in telling him verbally, face to face all these things, but for some odd reason, i dont like to put it in writing, its almost like having it written down in black and white makes it hmm more real?

So, back to the point in question.  

I have been very lapse in writing those emails, and i have said as such to him and he has not mentioned it, so this is where my procrastination and the looking for loopholes comes in.

I havent been writing them because i dont like it, i dont like that having it in writing perhaps might give him ideas, ideas that i may well not be too fond of! and because he hasnt mentioned it i figured that its not a big deal, if he isnt picking up on it, that im not doing it why should i bother? and that is where i look for a loophole, my argument with myself is well he cant punish me for not doing it because he has not said anything because i havent done it.

and this is where i realise im not doing very well, in the respect of my submission......i should do it because he has instructed me to...that is reason enough, the fact that he has not mentioned it is irrelevant, i know i should be doing it.

so here is where my logic goes a bit awry

im going to do it now, so i figure i shouldnt be punished because i have had a lightbulb moment and am now aware that its been wrong, perhaps selfish of me to expect him to keep on top of what i know i should be doing and how i behave, but still, im going to be good now and thats what he should focus on...not that i havent been obedient.

Yeah another grey area of mine is trying to get out of punishments in any way possible....so conclusion

my submission is flowing freely, but in the direction i want it to go...which hmm yes isnt very submissive is it!

Flowing freely

Havent been too well since the beginning of last week, picked up a rotten cold which went to my chest and it knocked me for 6, my immune system is weak due to a combination of medical issues, got a lecture from the doctor he threatened to hospitalise me if i wasnt improved by Monday (im better now, well getting there) i swore i would handcuff myself to the bed rather than go into hospital...yeah im a terrible patient.

I hate being laid up in bed, well when its forced, i did get to catch up on some books i have been wanting to read, and i got spoiled with the complete series of The Walking Dead, well up to as far as its got and Game of Thrones being bought for me, so watched those as well.

So nothing kink wise going on.

He did muse about suspending me fully by my tits in the very near future, he has done this where im pulled up to my tip toes but not fully off the floor....im not so sure my tits can take it i declared..."we shall have to find out" he replied......ahh well something to look forward to i suppose, or not....oh who am i kidding, im excited thinking about it!

We have spoke a fair bit lately about areas he wants to work on with me, aspects of my enslavement as well as pushing me a bit more in s/m, its been a while since he has worked on something new with me or expanded on what we already do.

Over the last few months, there has been a shift, a difference in the way my enslavement manifests itself, since i had that meltdown as i refer to it, back in March when it was q&a month and Master contributed, it hit me harder than i let on, on here, and its taken a lot of 'work' for want of a better phrase to get me past all these ideas that were in my head, it caused a lot of strain.

Although i do think that submitting isnt always easy, i dont think it should be an effort either, and in hindsight i was making it an effort because i was overthinking a lot, questioning the whys and what for's, hung up on what people think, all that became more important than what really is important...and whats more important is what he thinks, what i think about us.

It was holding me back, its been an ongoing thing, as in years, i wouldnt believe him, or rather i didnt want to believe him when he would say that i just needed to let go and embrace what i was, that there is no shame in being his slave, in being a masochist, and i had tried, but well i had hang-ups, about the whole slave label and my masochism.

But this shift thats been happening, its been so slight i hadnt really noticed it until the recent discussions brought it to attention, im submitting effortlessly, im not sure how i can explain it more better than that.

But it feels good.

Return to room 101

I thought i would update this, as kitty http://thesubmissivewife.blogspot.co.uk/ left a comment there recently which made me think that some of the things in this room have changed, perhaps some more things need to be added.

It is one of my most popular posts of all time, http://painspleasure.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/bdsm-room-101.html but im inclined to think this is because people are searching for references to George Orwell's book 1984, and umm they are finding it, not what they were expecting im sure!  its not what i consider one of my best posts either.

The point of room 101, in case you didnt know, is from the book i stated above, its a room where ones worst nightmare is kept, the concept of this was turned into a tv programme where people can choose 3 things to put into room 101 to be banished.

Anyway back to my bdsm room 101, clamps and weights can come out the room, so too can the inflatable butt plug, dressage whip however is staying in there, that can go straight into hell as far as im concerned.

So what 2 things to put in, because there has to be 3, thats the rules of room 101! well my fantasy room 101 that is, he wont let me really banish things in reality, mean man that he is.

1) otk spanking, hate it, find it humiliating..in a way i dont like, he doesnt do it often but when he does i will beg to have to not do it, this just makes it worse so i dont know why i do it, but i do, i think, no i know, he enjoys that i find it belittling, that i genuinely dont want it....besides he broke my favourite hairbrush spanking me with it...i loved that brush!...not on my ass.

2)  enemas, well specifically him doing it to me and then watching me when its ewww time to expel it, i was reading a post mouse wrote about enemas, as she kindly replied to some questions i had about how they work in her relationship, and i would be ok if i could do it on my own, without him being anywhere around......so its not so much the enemas themselves.....its, well yeah....let me have some dignity please..but no not going to happen...he loves my discomfort and humiliation.

So come on people, what 3 things are going in your Room 101, i want to see room 101 posts filling the blog roll lol...because well all is quiet around blogland lately! anyone else think that?

ooh yes i know i have comments to get to...im getting there.