Warning *this jar of peanut butter contains nuts*

Better to be safe than sorry?

Yep i can agree with statement it applies to so many situations and its a phrase i have often used myself and will again many more times, within a bdsm context its more ssc (safe, sane, consensual) and sometimes the safety police will come down on you like a ton of bricks if you deviate from ssc..but what about rack (risk aware consensual kink)? oh dear safety police dont like rack it implies your not being safe.

I have no issue with ssc but rack applies more to our dynamic simply because some of the kink that we engage is not regarded as safe or sane come to that, there is more risk involved for example breath play hence the risk aware part most commonly its forms of edge play where rack is more appropriate.

Using breath play as an example, it is something we both enjoy whether it be in a mild form or to the extreme but either way there is risk involved, a risk we are both aware of and yet we choose to engage in it still.  On a personal level for me my enjoyment comes from the buzz of having my ability to breathe under his control, my favourite form being wearing a rubber hood which just has 2 thin nasel tubes which he can clamp closed to cut off my air supply....close second his hands around my throat simply because its more personal.

Now the safety police, these are people i refer to that sit in judgement of those that engage in risky activities, and are quick to point out all the things that could go wrong and yes there is lots that could go wrong within any activity, they the ones that point out all the medical problems that could be caused, and question your sanity!  Just to confirm i am healthy, we are both of sane mind and  i have all my limbs attached thankyou very much.

The key points are being Risk Aware, i work for a school and have done numerous risk assesments which are required by law when taking children out of school premises, so it means filling in a lengthy form detailing the possible risks and giving them a rating to determine how high or low the risk is and what can be put in place to avoid said risks and then an assesment is made on whether the trip out is viable...ie is it worth the risk. 

This is similar to how we view s/m without the form filling, assess what the risks are, how they can be minimised and hopefully avoided, these are bossmans decisions and i trust him to make them coz trust is well established and i know he is of sane mind, consent is always a given, i gave my consent when i agreed to this dynamic....but you know what on odd occasions he asks me to re-affirm that consent when we discuss how our relationship is going etc to consolidate that we are both happy with what we want from this relationship and where it is going.

I always find the issue of consent a dodgy subject because there is that murky line of consenual non-consent which is a paradox of sorts, i think a vital ingredient is trust which is paramount to any relationship and perhaps more importantly in M/s dynamics...but back to consenual non-consent how does this work.

A scenario...and for the sake of the scenario lets assume they have been together for a few years.

Sub asks her dominant to cage her for an hour, it is discussed and agreed, ...in the cage she goes..after about 20 minutes sub is bored it wasnt as exciting as she imagined it would be, she wants out...the dom refuses on the grounds the hour is not up.  The sub protests she is not happy she is withdrawing her consent, still the dom refuses, there is no health/mental or physcial  reasons why she wants out its just boredom and not liking it, when the hour is up she is released.

Yes i have been in this position in the respect that he has done something that i wanted and asked for and i didnt like it, i wanted it to end...and no he didnt end it..and i was not happy afterwards...i sulked..but i got over it (after being told a few home truths)...moral of the story...be careful what you wish for! anway im deviating

Is the dominant acting ethically? i believe so, of course this is a simple scenario but it can apply to many other situations and this is what cnc (consensual non consent) means to me, i cannot change the parameters that have been agreed on on a whim.  Truthfully there have been times i have wanted something to stop, i have sworn at those very moments that i did not sign up for this (not just within s/m)..he takes no notice...he has my previously agreed consent but more importantly he has my trust.

Ok so i went off on a completley different track than where i was originally going...oh well.

Learning lessons

Its been an unsettling week, i havent been at my best, my mood has been at best congenial and at worst complete bitch so i have avoided blogging i couldnt even bring myself to comment much because if i cant say anything nice i wont say anything at all that doesnt make me sound a nice person at all really and being honest this week i havent been.

I havent orgasmed in over a bloody week and no pain not even a teeny weeny bit but im sufferring all the same, i havent done anything wrong its a choice, his choice one im not terribly happy about of course its not stopping him from getting his needs met....im not bloody stupid there is a lesson being taught here....he doesnt tend to do things without a purpose, its very rare he will do something just because he can.  I moaned a while back about how sometimes i wished he would deny me orgasms....why did i moan about that!!! he generally allows me plenty of sexual release, so im not getting any pain because pain does give me sexual gratification....im not getting any outlet.

So its effecting my mood and i have to tread carefully because i know a big problem i have is temper, im not so good at controlling my emotions when i feel agrieved when i feel he is being unfair even though i know its not unfair.....he decides how and when i get pleasure and i should be appreciatative when he does allow it....oh yes see i know a lesson is being taught but im not going to let my temper get the better of me...not this time well im trying hard.....telling him "being good is over-rated" in a stroppy tone of voice because being good doesnt get me anything is not the way to go (which i did recently).....yes i know the message this lesson is saying...it is

I should be good because it pleases him and i want/need to do that not because i seek to be rewarded, my reward is knowing i am pleasing him and his needs come before mine, should he choose to refuse me anything at any time i should accept this without complaint, without sulking, pouting or any other undesirable trait.

Ok lesson learned.

The buck stops here

I think as much as i at times struggle with this mindfield of submission i dont take much time to consider that its not always a walk in the park for dominants either, in some ways perhaps for them its a different mindfield, different challenges, they are after all the ones taking responsibility of being in control, making the decisions...and in some dynamics as it is with mine....the buck stops with them.....thats a hell of a lot of responsibilty to shoulder.
Sure for us thats the way we like and prefer it, he is a man that likes to be in control not just within our relationship but pretty much all aspects of his life, he likes order and structure, he knows what he wants and when he sets his mind to something he gives it his all....yes ok the man is very anal....um what i actually mean is he is very confident, focused and determined.

So because he is this way i tend to take his dominance for granted, i have this expectation that he will always make everything ok, for the most part i am obedient and i do make an effort to make life easier for him, when i do have my wobbly moments i look to him to fix it and put me back on the right track and he does each and every time.  I can get very needy at times...but you know i think he doesnt mind that, i think he likes the fact that i am to a certain degree dependent on his dominance..i wander if thats to do with the being in control element? it would seem likely so.

But taking all this into consideration, its a lot to put on a person, and although dominants may well choose and prefer this course it cant always be plain sailing for them, i certainly couldnt and wouldnt want the responsibility....im inclined to think that for all the moaning and difficulties i go through i have the easy bit which comes as a bit of a realisation because i have always been convinced that dominants have it the easiest as its nearly always their way.

Just hilarious

Had to post this, its got to be one of the most honest reviews of a product i have ever come accross, just read the reviews...im still laughing.


http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK

Isolating

I find that this lifestyle or more particularly these relationships can be quite isolating, i have great family and many friends and a couple of close friends and only one of those knows some of what our relationship is about...yet i have never touched on it being  M/s, the kink side im more relaxed with but i dont feel comfortable sharing that i submit to him beyond the bedroom ...although im pretty sure she has a good idea that its more than what i let on...its just left undiscussed.

We havent stayed in touch with the couples we have met (play and social wise) and its been a few years now, im not sure why i think its been a combination of many things, both of us being too busy work wise, the issues it caused between us and a few of them their relationships ended... so i guess we just slowly drifted.....there is only one couple that i wish we had stayed in more contact with even if the dom did keep calling me subbie lol...gosh i hate being called that....it irrates me just as much as when people say to children doggie or horsey...ok im digressing.

Im by no means ashamed of our dynamic but nor would i feel comfortable exposing those in vanilla relationships to it, with all the best will in the world unless they have an interest in this lifestyle or are active themselves then i dont think they are going to understand and i dont want to be judged or be the topic of the local gossip mongers....i prefer to keep my private life just that..private.

So its isolating in the respect that its not like these people are going to understand or would be able to relate to me and therefore my relationship not just because of the kink but more so the dynamics of it, telling the bossman he can kiss my ass in response to his request for a blowjob as my friend told her husband just wouldnt cut it for me...i like having skin thankyou very much.

Most of the time it doesnt bother me but yet there are times when i feel like having a good rant and yes a moan, we have problems the same as any other couple but perhaps of a different kind and in a different way...and its these times i find the hardest, i have him to talk to yes and he is a great listener but well its not the same...its these times when i feel isolated.....its also why i picked up blogging again because its an outlet to compensate for those odd times of feeling isolated.

Happily laughing

Well i said i would do a happy post so i suppose i had better.

We have had lots of good happy times and no doubt will have many more, its not all rules, rituals, nasty pain and fighting his authority which i do more than i should..there is fun, there is moments of just being, enjoying each others company, just laughing....the dynamic is always present that is a constant and one we both need.

I look back and can laugh at some of the situations and 'scenes' we have had that may not have always gone the way they was meant to, my horror at discovering these innocent looking nipple clamps with rubber ends actually revealed the rubber could be removed to reveal crocodile teeth underneath and my absolute conviction that they surely was for display purposes only....oh the naivety.

He can be so serious and deadpan at times but yet he makes me laugh, sitting in the car listening to his tirade of critisicm of other drivers, cursing at the sat nav if 'she' dares tell him he has taken a wrong turning, sitting in a restaurant and his iphone beeps with a reminder for him that he jotted down earlier in the week "need to beat tori harder" i kid you not! i wouldnt be surprised if he scheduled sex in as well.

Laughing is good, to laugh together and at each other and at ourselves, yes we engage in a lot of heavy s/m but we also have fun with it as well and i like the balance of that, i wouldnt want to constantly fear 'sessions'.  He laughs when i make a drama out of having to lie accross a leather spanking bench naked and its cold on the skin...the irony at the time lost on me that the coldness is the least of my worries, i sometime laugh when im being beaten and i cant stop, i love to turn my head to look at him and he is laughing at my laughing although im not sure why im laughing as its meant to be painful he says...even though we both know he could make it more so..sometimes its more about the enjoyment.

And most of all just talking about anything and everything, lying in bed watching stupid comedies but yet laughing along, i love the heavy stuff, i love the security his strictness gives me but mostly i love being happy and mostly i am.

Oh no..the mother effect

I have just realised i am turning into my mother....this is not a good thing, im finding as im getting older and im only 36  im becoming a grouch..its true i moan a lot more about life etc..is this normal? my mum moans about everything, she picks up the paper and we all have to hear her very long views on whats going wrong with this country/world...omg thats me.

It must stop, i cant become that person, i was replying to mouse on my last post and i thought shit....im my mother...so i will keep the grouch posts to a minimum...feel free to tell me to shut up and enjoy life if i grouch again too much again...seriously...so next post will be positive, it will be enlightening...it will be happy goddamit.