not long now

Sometimes it feels like i take 5 steps forward and 2 steps back, i havent been as attentative as i should have been whilst He has been away, some instructions i was given i havent given my full attention, i dont have any excuses albeit in the first week i was unwell but aside from that i should have focused on what was expected of me. I have found these last 2 weeks very difficult and have missed Him very much and He has been on my mind a lot so its not that i have put Him to the back of my mind. It has been difficult not being able to have the frequent contact that we usually have and i didnt want to taint His break away by informing Him too early that i have disobeyed Him and failed to do as instructed it didnt seem too bad a week ago but now the time is getting closer (He is home tomorrow night) its forefront in my mind.

When i received His text saying "I shall consider how to deal with your disobedience later" i knew that i had disappointed Him and its horrible how just that one sentence can make me feel sick not because of what He will do but because i have let Him down.

On a positive note though i will just be relieved to have Him home and back to regular contact and a week today we will be together even though i have a feeling im going to be firmly put back in my place which probably means a lot of discomfort. But i know i need it and want it especially as its been a while so as much as im aware some aspects are not going to be nice at all im not as anxious or as nervous as i was, well at the moment im not although i have no doubt i will be once He gets me inside the room i wander if i can distract Him with a nice cup off tea first i mean its a british thing isnt it? a good cup of tea makes everything ok..........hmm its worth a try

im so glad Your home Sir
i love You very much xxxxxx

being told no!!

I sent Master a text asking to be excused from my task today as im sore and yesterday i found it uncomfortable and was throbbing in a not nice way for a fair part of the evening afterwards, i really expected Him to say yes so when i got the text back saying no i was to complete task as instructed it came as a shock to be honest. What further surprised me was that i wasnt at all annoyed or pissed off at Him wheras a month ago i would have been and probably would have sent a text back either trying again and begging to be let off or being stroppy which would in both cases meant i would most likely end up being punished. It's a big turning point for me i realise because of the fact i didnt attempt to re-negotiate as i would have done before, and because i didnt feel any resentment at all because sometimes i do struggle with being told no.


Maybe i should not have asked in the first place but i am learning its how i phrase my responses, requests or questions that make the difference as i do have a tendency sometimes especially when given an instruction to do something im not keen to reply with "do i have to" and saying that quite recently earnt me an extra 2 cane strokes. My problem which i am learning to change is thinking before i speak so instead of saying "do i have to" in a sulky manner (not very slave-like) a more appropriate response maybe "yes Sir but i am having some difficulties with this because........" now of course this is not always appropriate and depends on the situation. Of course even if i was to ask anything in a respectful manner it does not necessarily mean i will get the response from Him i would prefer and nor should i expect to be given an explanation and the difficulty i think is knowing when its appropriate to make requests etc and when its not.

If i was to have sent Him a text saying i didnt want to do task because i "dont feel like it" i think its fair to say that this is not appropriate, as a slave its irrelevant whether i feel like something or not, He isnt unreasonable as i was unwell last week He made allowances that i wasnt up to doing the task. However im well now yes im sore and would have preferred not to have had to do task, i made a request and was refused and i dont see that as unreasonable, although i was hoping to take advantage of the fact that as He is away and we are both missing one another He might of relented. But on the other hand it was reassuring that He didnt give in to me because it gave me the security of knowing that even because of the circumstances He still maintains the level of control i need and that i cant twist Him round my little finger, in effect reminding me of my place because sometimes i need to be especialy when contact is minimal.

So i am proud of myself it maybe only trivial but because i know what i have been like previously, to accept His decision gracefully is a big deal to me and i just hope i can keep it up.

the right to keep thoughts to myself?

Well have just finished reading the first four books by John Norman about Gor, well what a pile of crap im just thankfully i got them very cheap off ebay but at least now i know for myself i have wanted to read them for a long time and at least can say i have, albeit only the first four and that was painful enough. I recently have re-read the Story of O after having first read it years ago and i still am not that impressed with it and even bought the film which if it wasnt for the fact that i dislike giving up on things wouldnt have got further than the first half hour. Master gave me some bdsm footage on a computer disc to watch and i really enjoyed those mostly because it was real, some of it made me squirm and make a note to myself not to mention those parts to Him as my first thoughts were "fuck i hope He doesnt do that to me" but even on those moments i still found it arousing but then it doesnt take much to get me aroused.

Now i have realised that when He reads this He is most likely going to ask what these bits was, now i could lie and say it was something different but i really find it difficult to deceive Him not that im implying it is something i do often, but yes i have been known to try and pull the wool over His eyes temporarily on a few occassions. Last time we was together i was gobsmacked that He caught me out, i had promised not to smoke whilst we was together and we was at a pub having dinner and a few drinks and i really was craving a cigarette, so i told Him i was going to the toilet when actually i went out to the front of the pub to have a sneaky cigarette. When i came back out to the beer garden He asked me if i have had a nice pee or something to that effect and i just knew he knew. I felt like a kid who has been caught with their hand in the cookie jar and i thought well no point in digging myself deeper in the shit so admitted that i had been outside for a cigarette and He said He knew i had, i think as well though if i have done something i know i shouldnt have i do have a guilty look so that would have given me away anyway, i would have told Him and my theory was to wait until later when He had had a few more to drink.

I know i shouldnt decieve Him in anyway regardless of how trivial it is such as with the cigarette and im lucky that He didnt pursue the issue and punish me although i think it went in my favour that He genuinly did forget and as i had had a few to drink as well i forgot myself. Also at this time we was together that evening after He had fallen asleep i awoke in the early hours and was aroused, He was asleep and i masturbated without His permission i didnt tell Him until after i was home and rightly so He punished me for this. I am not proud of myself and as i write this i feel ashamed of my behaviour but at that time in my defence i didnt want to tell Him in the morning because i knew that it would mean punishment and as it was our last morning i didnt want to end the weekend on a negative note and this was my was of justifying my actions to myself. However now as time has gone on i know that if this situation was to happen again (although i highly doubt it would) i would tell Him as soon as was possible (not when He is asleep) so i am improving on how i think and how i act, still have a way to go but bit by bit im getting there.

The point im trying to make is albeit not very sucessfully is as much as i may not want to tell Him something for whatever reason, even if its something He is unaware of it is His right to know if it pertains to us or my development as His slave. So in this respect no i dont have the right to keep thoughts to myself.

so where does sex fit in?

I thought i would find this relatively easy to talk about because i am very comfortable discussing sex, it isnt something i consider the most important aspect of our relationship and i dont connect sex with intimacy it is a physical act the same as being whipped or caned is a physical act. It certainly isnt the most important aspect of our relationship although it features heavily especially as nearly always any sexual activity occurs during or after any s&m play which is an important aspect of our relationship. Where i am finding the subject difficult is im undecided whether or not i need any sexual activity myself during s&m, im inclined to say no because i can get the sexual "buzz" i crave from an activity i enjoy, for example being caned in a way i like satisfies my need for relief and i have at times come close to having an orgasm on pain alone so it wont surprise me when i actually do and i certainly find it easier and more intense to orgasm when pain is involved.

Naturally i enjoy having orgasms and am fortunate that very rarely am i denied if i should ask permission to cum, however this is usually when i am being physically stimulated to the point of orgasm anyway whether it be by Him or by me masturbating, without this direct stimulation though i dont have a need to orgasm to feel sexually satisfied. Another way of putting it is i am just as happily satisified by giving Him sexual pleasure whether this be by sucking His cock or being fucked in the ass or whatever else He may desire. But then i have considered what if He chose for whatever reason no sexual activity at all during or after any s&m play, how would i feel? i dont honestly know it would depend on the circumstances although as i said earlier because generally i get a sexual "buzz" from pain anyway i dont think i would be disappointed, and i cant speak for Him so am unsure of whether or not it has same effect on Him albeit in a different context being as He is the one giving the pain.

I do have though an obsession with sucking His cock it is definitley my favourite sexual activity, and i do tend to seek this more so after any pain, even with the upcoming punishment i have due one of my first questions was will i be allowed to suck His cock immediatley afterwards, but i have had conflicting arguments with myself over whether i should be allowed to or not. Of course i want to say yes because i love it and it would make the punishment less of an ordeal knowing that afterwards im getting what i want even though He may desire it also, but then i have to begrudgingly admit that its not a good idea, i think i need to realise for my own improvement that punishment should not be associated with any form of pleasure which at the moment i am. Im comforting and reassuring myself with the fact that i will get to suck His cock afterwards so therefore the punishment will be worth it, ultimatley its up to Him of course but i think personally and as much as it does pain me to admit it in order for the punishment to be effective i shouldnt be allowed any immediate pleasure afterwards.

In regards to sex and intimacy i dont as i said in the first paragraph put the two together, however there are some sexual activities that i am not permitted to do with anyone else most notably anal sex, this is something that is for Him only. As far as intimacy goes to me this is when im in His arms, lying in bed talking openly, He knows my every fantasy and desire, what i crave and what i fear and thats far important to me than sex.

must be better im having pervy thoughts

I must be feeling better im having pervy thoughts, thinking of things i would like to do when im with Master, and im lucky that He does usually indulge me if i request something i would like to do probably because He enjoys it also. I think we are lucky that we are both compatible in the respect that we both have very perverted minds although He is definitley far worse than me and i thought i was bad enough, the more degrading something is the more arousing i find it and sometimes i get frightened about how far i/we could go. The one concern i do have is should some things be left to fantasy could trying something extreme that i fantasize about push me over the edge? and where does it end?

Im a firm believer in that what people (consenting adults) choose to do in private really cannot be regarded as being perverted, and even in bdsm there are aspects that may not appeal to some for example watersports, Master enjoys this a great deal and i do to a certain extent still coming to terms with drinking His piss but as a whole i enjoy it. I dont have any inclination to be involved in scat at all, i had a memo once from someone before i met Master saying that it was an activity they enjoyed, fair enough but its not for me yet i can understand the appeal.

I do find it sometimes disturbing that i relish the prospect of being degraded, i want to be used whether this be sexually or as an object to inflict pain on simply because He desires it, to be left bound until He wants to make use of me. I do admit though i couldnt handle this on an ongoing basis, a couple hours a whole day or evening yes but i would need the security of knowing that eventually i would be in bed in His arms and thats what makes it bearable and enjoyable because i know no matter if He chooses to treat me this way there is always a cuddle and reassurance at the end.

self-esteem

I have spoke to Master briefly which was nice and unexpected, i miss Him terribly and its made me realise how dependant i am on Him especially emotionally as i do have irrational worries sometimes and at these moments i need His reassurance that everything is fine even though i know it is. I got a rotten cold which has knocked the wind out of me usualy i can hold them off but this one has me beaten, im drugged up to my eyeballs which propably isnt a good idea since im in the classroom and in the office everyday but nurofen capsules are whats getting me through each day.



I have lost a bit of weight during the summer and am a little more happier with my figure as it is something that i do stress about even though Master has said He loves my body it is something im concious of, especially with the thought of meeting others im very insecure about myself and i just know i will be comparing myself with the other women i know this is wrong as it is my problem and i wish i could say i was happy with the way i am but im not. Im wandering if this is the main reason why i really want to be hooded or blindfolded as i then wont have to face anybody, i can hide behind the mask so to speak without the fear of having to appear confident when im not.

It does concern me that i have low self esteem because im aware that it does reflect on my behaviour and attitude, i tend to get very defensive over issues that are a big deal to me such as behaving/dressing like a slut in public its not something i have the confidence for, in private just the two of us yes but i know one negative comment from anyone and it would hit me hard emotionally, i havent the confidence to shrug it off it would eat away at me. I know that when we meet up and it comes to meeting the couple i will be a nervous wreck, already im getting anxious thoughts running through my head, what if they dont like me?, what if i do/say something wrong?, what if i dont like them?, what if i cant cope with it all? and this is when i miss Him the most because i cant express these thoughts via text open to misinterpretation and nor do i want Him to have any concerns whilst we have limited contact.

age and intelligence

Well first day been and gone and it was bearable but then its early days, had some mail on collarme from a 20yr old domme which i replied to in a not very polite and respectful way but then when the initial introduction is "hello, i will show you how pain is pleasure" its hard to construct a decent response. Now i admit and always have that i do have an attitude problem when it comes to dominant women i find them difficult to relate to on any level, i have said to Master on several occassions women are natural bitches and dominant women even more so, i would go as far to say that they are probably more cruel than any man. I do admit though that this is mainly my instinct that makes me feel this way and looking through female dominants profiles its no wander, half of them are hardly out of there teens and the other half either want money or perfection okay maybe im exagerrating but it sure does seem this way.

Whilst i fully understand that everybody has to start somewhere to gain experience and i appreciate that it must be hard to be taken seriously in some cases especially the more younger you are the harder i believe you have to work to sell yourself to someone, unless someone is intentionally seeking someone with whom to develop together. Before i formally committed to Master i had the usual amount of mail (basically inundated) and a few from younger men and whilst i always replied i tried to be tactful in my reply without causing offence but they would always end up asking if it was their age that i was against.

It was their age that was a problem for me, im sure some of them were very nice and experienced but my preference is for older men at least 10yrs older than me and its not something i was willing to compromise on no matter how compatible they may have been. Its important to me that someone is experienced not only in bdsm but about life in general and is able to interest me outside of bdsm so i also wanted someone that was more intelligent than myself, and i would say im fairly intelligent certainly capable of holding my own in most conversations but i wanted someone i can learn from as well.

I also know that just because someone is older does not necessarily mean that they are experienced or indeed able to hold a conversation, i admit i do have quite a vicious tongue and can be a complete bitch which is not something im proud of as i do have a tendency to use this against someone whom is shall we say lacking upstairs. Do i think men are above women? no i dont but then neither do i believe in female supremecy, do i think im on an equal footing with Him? no i dont and i dont want to be we are not equal i defer to Him not the other way round. I do however see myself as equal to other dominants, im submissive by nature and therefore my demeanour reflects that but im not their sub/slave and i treat them as i would any other person, this is not only what i prefer but what Master prefers basically i am submissive only to Him unless specifically told otherwise.